vanhalenfan Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I am just curious...How long did you date before getting married? I am in a serious relationship now, 31 years old with 2 kids from a previous marriage. The man I am with is 40 years old. We've been together for only 5 months, but I am starting to consider a life with him. My kids love him, he loves the kids, we are very compatible in many ways. However, 5 months isn't a very long time! I know it's hard to put a time stamp on everything and all that really matters is the people involved, but I was thinking to at least wait a year before even thinking of becoming engaged. We have briefly discussed this and it seems like he's on the same page as me as far as beginning to think about marriage in the near future. What are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 We got engaged after a year, after we moved in together. Married after 2 years. Talk to your man, see what he thinks. I'd give it until about a year or so before you formally announce your engagement, after you've both really thought about it and decided it's a for sure thing. No rush, enjoy the wedding planning. You're old enough to know the right person for you in a shorter amount of time versus someone who's younger and inexperienced with relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I don't think 5 months is too soon to start thinking about marriage, if "thinking about it" means serious discussions including what "marriage" means to each of you, your obligations and commitments to the marriage, what you expect to give and receive from each other as a married couple, and the practical details of living as a married couple and family. On one hand there's truth to the advice that you have a better idea of what marriage involves and the characteristics you want in a partner than a couple half your age does . . . on the other hand, you are likely to be less adaptable and flexible than a younger couple. Perhaps more importantly, you each have mental, emotional, and physical factors from the past that must be addressed as you work toward establishing a marriage. I'd say that being together at least a year before marriage is still a good rule of thumb. My wife (of 39 yrs) and I were both 23 when we married, just one year plus two weeks after we first laid eyes on each other. (You can find the story in my old posts.) However, we wrote to each other - increasingly serious, personal, letters - for over 3 months before we met, so it may be more accurate to say we married about 16 months after being introduced. We became engaged a little over 3 months after first meeting, or around 7 months after we started writing. (We didn't live together until after we were married.) At that age we weren't sophisticated enough to do a thorough, conscious, examination and analysis of our expectations and beliefs about marriage. However, most of our dating was done as houseguests of each other's families, and I think we absorbed a lot of that knowledge by observing each other's parents and families, and how we interacted with them. We also made use of professional counselors who offered guidance and suggestions as we prepared to marry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stellablue Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I think 5 months is way too soon when kids are involved. It will turn their life upside down and I would probably wait several years to make sure the relationship would work out before taking that jump. You can never be too careful when your kids are involved. Their needs and wants should come before yours. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 does he have children? does he want children? do you want more children? how old are your kiddos? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 We got engaged after a year, after we moved in together. Married after 2 years. This is almost exactly what I have done; dated for a year but he wouldn't have me move in without an engagement because of his kids. It was important for him to demonstrate to his kids to take things slowly. The engagement is 11 months along and I'm getting married next month. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 At that age, I'd say a year or so. With kids, 5 months is too soon. Please experience all 4 seasons with him first. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
countryrider13 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 We've been together for a month and already know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Were not technically engaged yet, but have expressed that we want to spend our lives together. We're 31 and have had or fair share of relationships, but we just know....there's something special between us. Now don't get me wrong we're in no hurry and will be engaged for a while before we get married, but I believe there's no timer limit. You'll just know. I work for elderly and hear stories of them getting married after a week of knowing Eachother and have been happily married all these years 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanhalenfan Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 does he have children? does he want children? do you want more children? how old are your kiddos? No, he does not have children, but would like to have one. I do want more (most likely just one, and he is okay with that.) I have 6 year old boy/girl twins. Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) No, he does not have children, but would like to have one. I do want more (most likely just one, and he is okay with that.) I have 6 year old boy/girl twins. It's a good sign that you two are discussing kids. Especially at his age, 5 months may be too soon for him to know how he really feels about this (but don't hold that against him). It may be that he truly does want to be a father, and older dads tend to do a better job of it. Or it could be that this is just a dream or fantasy he has held for 20 years, without seriously examining it. Children are a significant part of marriage, and a couple needs to be mostly in agreement on this, but marriage is more than kids. Edited October 30, 2013 by ThomasD Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 We got engaged in mth 6, moved in together in mth 7, chose a new house in mth 9 and moved in mth 12, married in mth 15 and our first baby will be born in mth 24. It's as though we've always been together. Can't describe it. Once I stopped panicking about it being too good to be true everything fitted in to place as though it just always had been that way. It just gets better. We could not have made a better choice of partner for ourselves. That doesn't mean it will work out the way we want, but we have the best chance! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I am just curious...How long did you date before getting married? I am in a serious relationship now, 31 years old with 2 kids from a previous marriage. The man I am with is 40 years old. We've been together for only 5 months, but I am starting to consider a life with him. My kids love him, he loves the kids, we are very compatible in many ways. However, 5 months isn't a very long time! I know it's hard to put a time stamp on everything and all that really matters is the people involved, but I was thinking to at least wait a year before even thinking of becoming engaged. We have briefly discussed this and it seems like he's on the same page as me as far as beginning to think about marriage in the near future. What are your thoughts? I don't see how waiting before you legally marry is any disadvantage personally. I think it is riskier to marry too soon, than "not too soon." Therefore, I think you should enjoy your relationship, keep building it, and if you're still together and going strong after a year, then sure, marry. Marriage for me is not a goal in and of itself. I want a GOOD relationship and life partner. So for me, I don't really see any reason to rush into marriage. If I can see a life with you after 5 months...I don't see any negatives of continuing to be together and making it official later. It's not like marriage has an expiration, where if you don't do it quick the love and relationship will go away. Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 . . . married in mth 15 and our first baby will be born in mth 24 . . . . Was that deliberate? I've heard of couples in previous generations who planned so their wedding-night consummation would likely result in impregnation. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Was that deliberate? I've heard of couples in previous generations who planned so their wedding-night consummation would likely result in impregnation. Really??? Crikey. Not at all for us! We booked our ceremony around his shifts and job restrictions, weather, and my son's school exams. In fact, wedding excitement/stress meant my whole cycle moved by a week a month beforehand. I'm a little bit older than many who are trying to get pregnant, and my husband has never had cause to know whether he was fertile or not, so we started trying with no idea at all how long it might take, or whether it could happen at all. We conceived the day after we returned from honeymoon, but funnily enough baby is due the 2nd anniversary of our first date. If only he/she would arrive that day! Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Really??? Crikey. Not at all for us! . . . Yeah, I agree. I heard that idea about planning marriage around the wife's fertile time many years ago, and always wondered if it was really true or some kind of sexual folklore. As you said, the stress and activity is likely to shift things a few days even for girls that are very regular. And even when cultural teaching was pretty strict about such things I wonder how many couples actually waited . I suppose some could make a kind of erotic fantasy fetish around the idea, but personally I think it would be a little intimidating - if not totally disturbing - to know when I entered my wife, that she would be pregnant when I slid out. If your child comes as predicted you'll have to tell him/her of the coincidence when he/she is an adult. Our last kid arrived on Sept 25, which was also the predicted due date. (It was quite a few years ago). As soon as we had the calculated date I started referring to our baby as "my Christmas present". (How much time is there from Christmas, until the next Sept 25?) I told my wife that the name would be either "Noel" or "Noelle". She decided that it would be terribly embarrassing for the child to go through life explaining that the name wasn't given because he/she was born on Christmas, but rather because he/she started as a Christmas present. When she went into labor on Sept 25, she even told the delivery room staff that if she was under anesthesia I did NOT have permission to name the baby! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Even - or especially - for second marriages, I think 2 years dating is wise, with perhaps the second living together. It takes a long time to know what someone is like under different conditions and stressors, to show who they really are. Unless there is a good reason to marry, don't. Living together is sufficient, IMO - after a few more years you may decide to marry, but by then there should be no nasty surprises. Still, I'm surprised at how many people will marry even after seeing significant problems that can't be resolved. One of the biggest I hear about is mismatched sex drives - it won't get better with time OR marriage! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 If your child comes as predicted you'll have to tell him/her of the coincidence when he/she is an adult. Our last kid arrived on Sept 25, which was also the predicted due date. (It was quite a few years ago). As soon as we had the calculated date I started referring to our baby as "my Christmas present". (How much time is there from Christmas, until the next Sept 25?) I told my wife that the name would be either "Noel" or "Noelle". She decided that it would be terribly embarrassing for the child to go through life explaining that the name wasn't given because he/she was born on Christmas, but rather because he/she started as a Christmas present. When she went into labor on Sept 25, she even told the delivery room staff that if she was under anesthesia I did NOT have permission to name the baby! Ha ha! That's pretty funny. I think your wife was right, but I love the story! Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I think 5 months is way too soon when kids are involved. It will turn their life upside down and I would probably wait several years to make sure the relationship would work out before taking that jump. You can never be too careful when your kids are involved. Their needs and wants should come before yours. This. 5 months is too soon even without kids. It is WAY too early to talk about marriage. The first two years are the honeymoon period. I believe it is best to wait until after that time to make permanent decisions about a relationship. My husband and I were together for nearly two years when he proposed. We married in October of the following year after an almost two year engagement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 This. 5 months is too soon even without kids. It is WAY too early to talk about marriage. The first two years are the honeymoon period. I believe it is best to wait until after that time to make permanent decisions about a relationship. My husband and I were together for nearly two years when he proposed. We married in October of the following year after an almost two year engagement. Five and a half months after we met we decided we wanted marriage and children. Not one person - not one - who knew us both, had spent time with us, said it was soon. I was positive my husband would get stick from friends/relatives or someone would recommend caution at least. None, nothing. My husband says it's because we're absolutely perfect for each other and that it's obvious to everyone. I think it's more to do with our age. Mid-thirties, have lived a bit, know our own minds and what we want from a partner/life in general. My son mentioned us having children before we ourselves spoke about it. He wanted it to happen and was seeing a future before we allowed ourselves to even have that conversation. If we had been younger we'd have waited a bit longer before getting engaged. Not much though. Not 2 years I reckon. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Five and a half months after we met we decided we wanted marriage and children. Not one person - not one - who knew us both, had spent time with us, said it was soon. I was positive my husband would get stick from friends/relatives or someone would recommend caution at least. None, nothing. My husband says it's because we're absolutely perfect for each other and that it's obvious to everyone. I think it's more to do with our age. Mid-thirties, have lived a bit, know our own minds and what we want from a partner/life in general. My son mentioned us having children before we ourselves spoke about it. He wanted it to happen and was seeing a future before we allowed ourselves to even have that conversation. If we had been younger we'd have waited a bit longer before getting engaged. Not much though. Not 2 years I reckon. SG, I am so glad that you knew your husband was the one very quickly. However, I stand by my opinion. Five months is way too early. Though it works for some people, in my experience going too fast leads to disaster. I have seen more than one divorce because the couple barely knew each other. Sometimes the marriages I am speaking of were rushed because of a child on the way. My husband and I wanted to be absolutely certain that we were making the right choice. We waited until the honeymoon stage passed and we knew we could manage hard times together. Oh and my husband was in his mid thirties when he proposed. Age had nothing to do with our choice to take it slow, even though you are implying that my husband and I didn't "know our minds" or "lived long enough to know" what we wanted. We simply wanted to make sure we were making an intelligent and well thought out choice. There is nothing wrong with taking a lot of time to make such an important decision. It is indicative of maturity and wisdom. May you have a long and happy marriage my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 SG, I am so glad that you knew your husband was the one very quickly. However, I stand by my opinion. Five months is way too early. Though it works for some people, in my experience going too fast leads to disaster. I have seen more than one divorce because the couple barely knew each other. Sometimes the marriages I am speaking of were rushed because of a child on the way. My husband and I wanted to be absolutely certain that we were making the right choice. We waited until the honeymoon stage passed and we knew we could manage hard times together. Oh and my husband was in his mid thirties when he proposed. Age had nothing to do with our choice to take it slow, even though you are implying that my husband and I didn't "know our minds" or "lived long enough to know" what we wanted. We simply wanted to make sure we were making an intelligent and well thought out choice. There is nothing wrong with taking a lot of time to make such an important decision. It is indicative of maturity and wisdom. May you have a long and happy marriage my friend. Oh Nyla, don't think ANY of my post was about you. It wasn't, it was about us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 It took us seven years of dating before we made the engagement official and eight years before we were married. But we were young and just didn't have any reason to rush things. I don't think it's necessary to wait that long. I actually did some research on this, and the couples with the marriages most likely to last were the ones that waited a little over two years to get married. Less time than that and the couples often found out they didn't know each other as well as they thought. More time than that and it could be a sign that somebody is dragging their heels because there are problems in the relationship. So giving it two years until you have the wedding should be a safe bet. Given that it can take a year to plan the wedding, I think getting engaged when you've been together for just over a year is probably fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Five and a half months after we met we decided we wanted marriage and children. Not one person - not one - who knew us both, had spent time with us, said it was soon. I was positive my husband would get stick from friends/relatives or someone would recommend caution at least. None, nothing. My husband says it's because we're absolutely perfect for each other and that it's obvious to everyone. I think it's more to do with our age. Mid-thirties, have lived a bit, know our own minds and what we want from a partner/life in general. My son mentioned us having children before we ourselves spoke about it. He wanted it to happen and was seeing a future before we allowed ourselves to even have that conversation. If we had been younger we'd have waited a bit longer before getting engaged. Not much though. Not 2 years I reckon. I know you are trying to say that your post was about you, but my perception is that you were trying to pass remarks in a roundabout way. My post about five months being too short was not meant to insult you or your husband. It is just my opinion. Many experts also say that the honeymoon period lasts for two years, so maybe couples who wait that long aren't as young and naïve as you believe them to be? I use the word naïve because you mentioned "knowing our own minds and have lived a bit." My husband and I did what worked for us, just as you and your husband did the same. It is easy for people in the honeymoon stage to say that they want to marry their partners. They barely know the person that they are "in love" with. Whirlwind courtships can result in long and happy marriages. I just believe that it is much better to wait until the hormones from new love have died down. My brother was in his late twenties and dating a woman with a lot of emotional issues. At four months, he was already talking about marriage and he gave me the same speech as you; "We are older so we know what we want and we don't need a lot of time." They broke up three years later because my brother's girlfriend did not want to resolve her problems. Can you imagine the disaster that would have followed if my brother married this woman almost immediately? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 It took us seven years of dating before we made the engagement official and eight years before we were married. But we were young and just didn't have any reason to rush things. I don't think it's necessary to wait that long. I actually did some research on this, and the couples with the marriages most likely to last were the ones that waited a little over two years to get married. Less time than that and the couples often found out they didn't know each other as well as they thought. More time than that and it could be a sign that somebody is dragging their heels because there are problems in the relationship. So giving it two years until you have the wedding should be a safe bet. Given that it can take a year to plan the wedding, I think getting engaged when you've been together for just over a year is probably fine. The bolded words are exactly what I have heard experts say about marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 3 years seems to be the minimum from my observations of my friends. I know 2 that got married after 10 yrs of dating. All still together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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