Endlessly alone and no end in sight

[Eivuwan]

I agree with the posters that say that therapy is bullsh*t. In most cases, the therapists themselves have serious issues.

 

The best people to talk to are those close to you, since they know you best.

 

But, ultimately, the best cure for the issues that many of these guys have is self enlightenment. They need to take their own journeys and come to conclusions themselves, as opposed to being force-fed them.

 

I don't think the people who have close supportive people to talk to are the ones who are going to therapy... Oftentimes, the patients who are coming in are deeply distressed and are neglected and abused by the people who are suppose to be close to them. I don't know where you get the feeling that therapists have serious issues... I'm in a Phd program and everyone is generally psychologically healthy and motivated to do their best for their patients. Also, if you go to a psychodynamic therapist, they usually undergo long term therapy of their own to fix their problems to be more aware of their biases. There is also a theory that the average psychologist is a bit more deviant than the average person because it helps us relate to our patients, but not so deviant that we use the patient for our own motives. Honestly, the key is to shop around a bit before you find a therapist that is a good match. On the other hand, all I needed was a referral to find my current therapist who is a great match for me. Sometimes, I have been with psychologists so long that I forget that there are still so many misconceptions of therapy out there.

[Eivuwan]

Many of the counselors/therapists I saw worked in direct conjunction with a psychiatrist, which is why medication was pushed so heavily by them. Psychiatrists lose money if they have no one to prescribe medication to.

 

Haha, I see. Yeah, in my program there is an general unspoken consensus that medications should be used as a last resort.

[felicity1]

split instant there's a single downward dip, many people in society seem conditioned to treat that as the other person being some kind of "freak" or that there's something wrong with them and leave immediately.

 

Does that sound like what love is? It doesn't to me. It fact it sounds like the fundamental opposite of love.

 

I don't understand why people operate this way. It makes no sense. Why can't I bridge the communication gap? I literally cannot even begin forming relationships with people because they don't allow it to start. They dose the flame with water the moment I pull out a match, by analogy.

 

 

 

 

 

A person flees another's pain b/c they can't face their own pain. We live in a society where pain and suffering is just not cool-it's a bad thing that we have to avoid at all costs. And everybody has to do what everyone else is doing othewise you don't fit in and that renders you "weak" and rejectable. No one wants to be that. The problem is that many of us don't use our higher brain. We keep succumbing to our primitive ways of being ie:living to merely survive and not to thrive.

 

Well, at least you can take solace in the fact that you are not completely alone with your feelings. There are some such as myself, who "get" you.

[felicity1]

I don't think the people who have close supportive people to talk to are the ones who are going to therapy... Oftentimes, the patients who are coming in are deeply distressed and are neglected and abused by the people who are suppose to be close to them. I don't know where you get the feeling that therapists have serious issues... I'm in a Phd program and everyone is generally psychologically healthy and motivated to do their best for their patients. Also, if you go to a psychodynamic therapist, they usually undergo long term therapy of their own to fix their problems to be more aware of their biases. There is also a theory that the average psychologist is a bit more deviant than the average person because it helps us relate to our patients, but not so deviant that we use the patient for our own motives. Honestly, the key is to shop around a bit before you find a therapist that is a good match. On the other hand, all I needed was a referral to find my current therapist who is a great match for me. Sometimes, I have been with psychologists so long that I forget that there are still so many misconceptions of therapy out there.

 

I've seen about 20 counsellors/ psychologists/psychotherapists in the last 8 years. Boy, do they have issues!!! All I ever experienced was projection projection projection and more projection!!!!!! I acknowledge it's a damned difficult job, probably up there with the job of a brain surgeon. In a good support group there are "boundary rules" which have to be adhered to by all attending. This is the key to successful therapy.

[mercuryshadow]

split instant there's a single downward dip, many people in society seem conditioned to treat that as the other person being some kind of "freak" or that there's something wrong with them and leave immediately.

 

Does that sound like what love is? It doesn't to me. It fact it sounds like the fundamental opposite of love.

 

I don't understand why people operate this way. It makes no sense. Why can't I bridge the communication gap? I literally cannot even begin forming relationships with people because they don't allow it to start. They dose the flame with water the moment I pull out a match, by analogy.

 

 

 

 

 

A person flees another's pain b/c they can't face their own pain. We live in a society where pain and suffering is just not cool-it's a bad thing that we have to avoid at all costs. And everybody has to do what everyone else is doing othewise you don't fit in and that renders you "weak" and rejectable. No one wants to be that. The problem is that many of us don't use our higher brain. We keep succumbing to our primitive ways of being ie:living to merely survive and not to thrive.

 

Well, at least you can take solace in the fact that you are not completely alone with your feelings. There are some such as myself, who "get" you.

 

 

This is great. And I'd like to add that we are suffering at the hands of delusion. All of us. Those of us who seem to be "happy" and "content" most of the time just do a better job of hiding our suffering. No one is exempt. I believe we also forget that our mind is something that we can step back and observe. We can watch when our mind starts to become invaded by negative thoughts, and we can do something about it, but a lot of times, I think we forget that we can. And sometimes, even with the best of intentions, we can become so self-consumed that we cannot see clearly our potential. An attitude of "I want" or "why can't I have" or "it's not fair" is pretty poisonous, and repels others. I know for fact that once we begin to BE the kind of person we'd want to meet or be in a relationship with, things start to come together.

[OnlyHonesty]

I think when someone seeks completion externally from another, they give out a vibe of desperation, neediness, overbearing energy and people will pick up on this even if they don't realise it.

 

You say you have tried getting involved with hobbies etc but the issue is, you just tried and then probably gave up when you saw no results. The problem is, what ever you do, if it isn't done with congruency then you are likely to fail. If you get involved in a hobby, do it for yourself and no other reason. Truly do what you wish to do in life.

 

 

The only way you are going to hold what you wish to grasp is to completely let go of the rope. As long as you try to climb while looking down every now and then, you do not have faith in your objective and you are more likely to fall.

 

In my opinion, only when you truly have faith in what you are doing and do it for yourself, will you be free enough to attract someone else into your life. As it stands, you are obsessed and focused consciously and subconsciously in finding another. Regardless of what you do for yourself, this that always lays at the back of your mind will end up sabotaging what you do.

 

Without the faith to completely let go, you will always end up falling back to the same place.

 

I don't believe theraphy is likely to help but that's my unprofessional opinion. If you live life without turning back to see if a woman has started to 'follow' if you give your body what it needs mentally, physically, healthily, if you live with faith and let go, only then will you be able to find what you should not be seeking. What you have is a case of hyper intention.

 

It will take true courage to let go, I believe this is where you are going wrong. However, often the place we are in can prevent us from seeing why we are in it. It is possible that you will not follow any advice here or maybe you will when you are ready to.

 

It's a cliche but I believe it to be true, seek love, find none, look for life, find both. Faith are your glasses, hyper intention and doubt are your frames.

[Eivuwan]

I've seen about 20 counsellors/ psychologists/psychotherapists in the last 8 years. Boy, do they have issues!!! All I ever experienced was projection projection projection and more projection!!!!!! I acknowledge it's a damned difficult job, probably up there with the job of a brain surgeon. In a good support group there are "boundary rules" which have to be adhered to by all attending. This is the key to successful therapy.

 

That really sucks. I firmly believe that all therapists should undergo their own analysis to prevent these sorts of issues.

[OnlyHonesty]

That really sucks. I firmly believe that all therapists should undergo their own analysis to prevent these sorts of issues.

 

I studied therapy briefly for a few years and the vast majority of the people in the class had been through the most terrible experiences. Often that was why they decided to become a therapist. On one hand they had a lot of empathy and depth of understanding concerning the problem but on the other hand, there was a risk of many types of projection.

 

Many students also studied and helped others in order to help themselves (if they were honest). The problem is that some issues can't really be helped by someone who hasn't gone through the same or similar (in my opinion) but if they have then how can they be objective. A catch 22 situation in some senses.

[Eivuwan]

I studied therapy briefly for a few years and the vast majority of the people in the class had been through the most terrible experiences. Often that was why they decided to become a therapist. On one hand they had a lot of empathy and depth of understanding concerning the problem but on the other hand, there was a risk of many types of projection.

 

Many students also studied and helped others in order to help themselves (if they were honest). The problem is that some issues can't really be helped by someone who hasn't gone through the same or similar (in my opinion) but if they have then how can they be objective. A catch 22 situation in some senses.

 

That is very interesting. I know that I've been through a difficult childhood (coming from another country, cultural clash with parents etc.), but it seems to me that most of the people in my doctoral program have had a good life (probably better than average). Did you study therapy in some kind of master's or social work program? Those are easier to get into which may be why you see that your classmates have serious issues whereas in my case I sometimes wonder if my classmates had too good of an upbringing to really understand their patients. Regardless of whether the therapist have issues or not, it is important for them to undergo their own therapy to make sure these issues do not interfere negatively in treatment. That's what I do.

[OnlyHonesty]

That is very interesting. I know that I've been through a difficult childhood (coming from another country, cultural clash with parents etc.), but it seems to me that most of the people in my doctoral program have had a good life (probably better than average). Did you study therapy in some kind of master's or social work program? Those are easier to get into which may be why you see that your classmates have serious issues whereas in my case I sometimes wonder if my classmates had too good of an upbringing to really understand their patients. Regardless of whether the therapist have issues or not, it is important for them to undergo their own therapy to make sure these issues do not interfere negatively in treatment. That's what I do.

 

 

I studied it in a local college, I did a 10 week introduction course and then went on to intermediate. Easy enough to get in to if you can handle the challenges of self realization it includes. When you get to to the higher levels, it is compulsory for you to take a certain amount of therapy sessions for yourself. I don't remember how many hours but this was always an important requirement.

 

It's possible that some may have had a good life but personal tragedy can hide beneath the pristine doorway or the facade of joy. However, I think it is difficult to strike a balance between personal pain and the ability to help someone with theirs. Many people dropped out of the class, mostly men though. I was amongst the last man standing by the end lol.

[Eivuwan]

However, I think it is difficult to strike a balance between personal pain and the ability to help someone with theirs. Many people dropped out of the class, mostly men though. I was amongst the last man standing by the end lol.

 

Yes it is difficult, hence that's why it is important to at least gain insight and improvement on our issues before seeing clients.

[felicity1]

I think when someone seeks completion externally from another, they give out a vibe of desperation, neediness, overbearing energy and people will pick up on this even if they don't realise it.

 

You say you have tried getting involved with hobbies etc but the issue is, you just tried and then probably gave up when you saw no results. The problem is, what ever you do, if it isn't done with congruency then you are likely to fail. If you get involved in a hobby, do it for yourself and no other reason. Truly do what you wish to do in life.

 

 

The only way you are going to hold what you wish to grasp is to completely let go of the rope. As long as you try to climb while looking down every now and then, you do not have faith in your objective and you are more likely to fall.

 

In my opinion, only when you truly have faith in what you are doing and do it for yourself, will you be free enough to attract someone else into your life. As it stands, you are obsessed and focused consciously and subconsciously in finding another. Regardless of what you do for yourself, this that always lays at the back of your mind will end up sabotaging what you do.

 

Without the faith to completely let go, you will always end up falling back to the same place.

 

I don't believe theraphy is likely to help but that's my unprofessional opinion. If you live life without turning back to see if a woman has started to 'follow' if you give your body what it needs mentally, physically, healthily, if you live with faith and let go, only then will you be able to find what you should not be seeking. What you have is a case of hyper intention.

 

It will take true courage to let go, I believe this is where you are going wrong. However, often the place we are in can prevent us from seeing why we are in it. It is possible that you will not follow any advice here or maybe you will when you are ready to.

 

It's a cliche but I believe it to be true, seek love, find none, look for life, find both. Faith are your glasses, hyper intention and doubt are your frames.

 

You couldn't hit the nail more on the head!!

[felicity1]

I studied therapy briefly for a few years and the vast majority of the people in the class had been through the most terrible experiences. Often that was why they decided to become a therapist. On one hand they had a lot of empathy and depth of understanding concerning the problem but on the other hand, there was a risk of many types of projection.

 

Many students also studied and helped others in order to help themselves (if they were honest). The problem is that some issues can't really be helped by someone who hasn't gone through the same or similar (in my opinion) but if they have then how can they be objective. A catch 22 situation in some senses.

 

During my therapy I felt the therapist was constantly in fear of losing their power by flinging patronizing comments at me, whomever I saw. It was a terrible struggle for me and only made me feel more abused. I did not find one therapist who was able to be on equal level with me.

[Eivuwan]

During my therapy I felt the therapist was constantly in fear of losing their power by flinging patronizing comments at me, whomever I saw. It was a terrible struggle for me and only made me feel more abused. I did not find one therapist who was able to be on equal level with me.

 

What kind of patronizing comments?

[Eivuwan]

If this is true, then why are anti-depressants a billion dollar industry?

 

Psychiatry and psychology are two fairly distinctive disciplines. Psychiatrists are MDs and trained primarily as medical doctors (more focus on medication) whereas psychologists are Phds (more focused on therapy, research, and assessments). Psychologists do a very terrible job at public education and outreach in terms of what we offer. We are also make less compared to psychiatrists because we don't prescribe drugs. They can see many patients per day with 15 minute med checks while we see a few per day with 1 hour sessions. Hence, because drug companies have a lot of money they are more able to advertise drugs. How often do you see a commercial for therapy? It really comes down to the money and power that drug companies and the medical field has hold for a long time whereas a doctoral in psychology is a fairly new profession.

[SilentSymphony]

Hi again folks. Thanks for your continued thoughts and posts, as always.

 

I still am not the slightest bit compelled to see a therapist. Appeals to authority just are not a strong argument to me. If anything, when I hear an argument based on a an appeal to authority it only makes me even more repelled by that supposed authority. True reasoning is derived from first principles and direct analysis only, not by somebody sticking an arbitrary title on themselves (e.g. psychologist).

 

Also, I have been happy with myself for quite some time from the perspective of my hobbies and my general development and so on. I already am fully self aware and self defining and I already believe in myself. None of that has ever changed anything though. I've ridden this roller coaster up and down many times. No matter how high I manage to get my confidence and no matter how content I am in my life, it never yields any changes.

 

I appreciate that you all are trying to help me. I really do. However, this commonly stated advice of either therapy or being "content and complete by myself" are all things I've heard before. It leads nowhere. I've tried.

 

I don't really understand why it's like this for me. I know that I feel completely warn out, numb, and exhausted. The whole situation is ridiculous. There's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have had some kind of relationship connection of some kind by now, but that's the way it is. What I need is for people to give me a chance and let me experience them. I do nothing wrong to deserve being alone like this.

 

For my entire life, people have just pretty much automatically treated this way. It doesn't matter what I do.

 

Anyway, I sincerely hope one day I figure out a way to relief my pain. I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is a prison designed to torment me, dangling things in front of me and never letting me get where I really want to, irrespective of my effort or how much good will I try to have.

 

I should probably go to sleep soon. I'm still hoping against hope that somehow something will change for me. Been waiting for it my whole life...

 

Good night

[felicity1]

What kind of patronizing comments?

 

I have written some in my diary(in relation to child abuse). They were uttered by three different therapists:

 

"you just want people to feel sorry for you"

 

"you give me the impression you haven't healed at all in the past 10 years. I hope I don't see you for another ten."

 

"how long are you going to go to that social outcast group?"(the therapist didn't want me to attend the support group).

[felicity1]

I think when someone seeks completion externally from another, they give out a vibe of desperation, neediness, overbearing energy and people will pick up on this even if they don't realise it.

 

 

 

Hey SilentSymphony, if you're still around, this quote is really important.

[chickenbaguette]

I havnt had time to read through all of this to work out if you're male or female. If you're male I reccomend going on youtube and watching lots of videos from RSD (real social dynamics).

 

This guy was a nerdy ginger type, shy and awkward. He now gets laid by hot chicks all the time. Nothing to do with money or looks, you just have to know how to behave.

[d0nnivain]

Silent Symphony --

 

You are doing this to yourself. It's a self fulflling prophecy.

 

The very definition of crazy, is doing the same thing over & over but expecting different results.

 

You have been repeatedly referred to therapy but you continue to insist you don't need therapy. If you have tried various forms of it & they didn't work, fine but since what you are doing isn't working, why not try something different?

 

In addition if you are having physiological reactions -- being numb & tired -- you may benefit from medication but this is something you need to discuss with a doctor, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

 

To meet people & make friends you have to get out there. You say you have interests. Do you belong to any groups that share those interests? Do you do to the events? If not, why not? Odds are you aren't going to meet quality people off free internet sites.

 

To get over social anxiety, I suggest joining a group called ToastMasters.

[Eivuwan]

I have written some in my diary(in relation to child abuse). They were uttered by three different therapists:

 

"you just want people to feel sorry for you"

 

"you give me the impression you haven't healed at all in the past 10 years. I hope I don't see you for another ten."

 

"how long are you going to go to that social outcast group?"(the therapist didn't want me to attend the support group).

 

=/, I'm sorry you have to go through all that esp with people who are suppose to be understanding. I struggle sometimes to be patient when I'm having a bad day, but these quotes do sound pretty patronizing. =/

[hatsya]

The OP sounds/seems aspergers to me.. have you researched it? Do you have the symptoms? If so, maybe join a group related to that for support.

 

I agree with some of the other posters.. you have to change what you're doing if you want different results. You're actually lucky you're single because you don't have someone keeping you tied to their issues and limitations. You can create whatever life you want. A fresh start. And you're still young.

 

Oh and yeah, grow your hair back and find a talented hairstylist to give you a cool look. It will help. Unfortunately people judge us by our appearance at first. So we have to work with that.

 

Also, is it possible you come on too strong by sharing too much of yourself at first with people? Maybe you should stay reserved at first and gradually tell more about yourself. Maybe try to keep the focus on them and ask questions. Keep asking questions. Don't talk about yourself too much and definitely don't be negative - everyone is repelled by negativity or depressed people. You might just have to fake being happy to find someone.

[felicity1]

=/, I'm sorry you have to go through all that esp with people who are suppose to be understanding. I struggle sometimes to be patient when I'm having a bad day, but these quotes do sound pretty patronizing. =/

 

In my experience it was not really about therapists lacking patience but more that they simply couldn't cope. But I do believe this problem can be solved, if they are open to client feedback and willing to be more sensitive to clients' needs and work on their self-awareness. I tried to be open about this issue with many of the therapists I saw, only to receive further defensive patronizing comments.

 

I find social workers to be better equipped at handling trauma/grief.

Edited November 2, 2013 by felicity1

[Eivuwan]

In my experience it was not really about therapists lacking patience but more that they simply couldn't cope. But I do believe this problem can be solved, if they are open to client feedback and willing to be more sensitive to clients' needs and work on their self-awareness. I tried to be open about this issue with many of the therapists I saw, only to receive further defensive patronizing comments.

 

I find social workers to be better equipped at handling trauma/grief.

 

 

That is interesting. I've always thought that therapists have the hardest time with people who were abusers or who are just generally unlikable because they act like jerks.

[felicity1]

That is interesting. I've always thought that therapists have the hardest time with people who were abusers or who are just generally unlikable because they act like jerks.

 

Yeh, that only makes sense, but sadly it also extends to individuals who are genuinely wanting to heal. Many people in my support group have had similar issues with therapists. Perhaps the training in australia is insuffient? It seems the therapists here do not really understand the impact of child abuse.