rble618740 Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 As some of you may know, my husband moved out in June (we'd only been married 9 months at the time). We worked things out and he came home in August. Since he's been home, things have been WONDERFUL. I realize, though, that his leaving me has made me trust him less and fear that he might leave again. He's been reassuring (very affectionate, telling me how wonderful things are, saying he wouldn't want to be anywhere else) but I was wondering if anyone has experienced this and, if so, if they have any advice for how to deal with it. As I said, things have been terrific, but when I think about having kids or buying a house, I think, "what if he walks out on me again?" It has even carried over into other areas of our life. I have always believed that he would NEVER cheat on me, and I don't have any reason to think that he would, except that I thought he would never walk out on me and I was wrong (and lots of women whose husbands have cheated believed he would never cheat on them). Part of the problem is that he wrote a letter before he left that contains some things that are hurtful (but not mean) that I can't get out of my head. For example, in the letter he wrote that shortly after getting married he'd thought we had made a mistake (and those were good times). I want to stay in my marriage (and things have been so much better since he came home) but I don't want to live in fear of my husband leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by rble618740 I want to stay in my marriage (and things have been so much better since he came home) but I don't want to live in fear of my husband leaving. You can not keep anyone from leaving at anytime. Unless you have them shackled or chained up in the basement. No one can fully control the behavior of another individual and remember that you are only in control of your half of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rble618740 Posted December 13, 2004 Author Share Posted December 13, 2004 I appreciate your response. I totally agree with what you said. I think what's concerning me so much about this "fear" is that I usually do not worry about things over which I have no control (and I always know that someone's else's actions fall within the perview of things I cannot control). I was just wondering if anyone had any helpful tools for getting past the violation of trust that occurs when someone walks out. To some extent I think my husband looks at it like it's the past and we just don't talk about it much (sometimes it's like he never walked out). I don't know that it's healthy to ignore or dwell on the past. It was just such a traumatic experience that I can't pretend it didn't happen, but it's affecting my thoughts about the future in a way that I don't like. I guess I just need some reassurance that people can separate once, reconcile and live happily ever after. Especially since his leaving took me completely by surprise, happened so early in our marriage, and was not preceded by any effort to fix what he thought were problems in our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by rble618740 I appreciate your response. I totally agree with what you said. I think what's concerning me so much about this "fear" is that I usually do not worry about things over which I have no control (and I always know that someone's else's actions fall within the perview of things I cannot control). I was just wondering if anyone had any helpful tools for getting past the violation of trust that occurs when someone walks out. To some extent I think my husband looks at it like it's the past and we just don't talk about it much (sometimes it's like he never walked out). I don't know that it's healthy to ignore or dwell on the past. It was just such a traumatic experience that I can't pretend it didn't happen, but it's affecting my thoughts about the future in a way that I don't like. I guess I just need some reassurance that people can separate once, reconcile and live happily ever after. Especially since his leaving took me completely by surprise, happened so early in our marriage, and was not preceded by any effort to fix what he thought were problems in our relationship. Men leaving temporarily is normal. This is how we sometimes deal with adverse situations, by leaving. I call it "avoidance therapy". Why don't you turn it around. What guarantee does HE have that you won't ever decide to get up and split one day??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rble618740 Posted December 13, 2004 Author Share Posted December 13, 2004 You're right, he has no guarantee that I won't leave except my vow. He has no reason not to trust that vow. However, I know with certainty that he is capable of setting aside his vow and walking out the door. It's sort of a propensity argument. It would work the same way in cheating. There's an imaginary line and it's hard to recover once you've crossed the line. I believe it's possible, or I wouldn't still be working on my marriage. It is very frightening, though, to find out that someone you trust is willing to violate a promise to you. It is especially frightening when the circumstances which can cause that person to violate their promise are not extreme (but instead are relatively incidental to marriage.) To me, it makes our my future with him riskier. It makes buying a house riskier, having children riskier, etc. When I got married, I started with the assumption that my husband would keep his vows. Now I have proof positive that, to some extent, his promises were condiitonal. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Marriage counseling. Both of you go to couseling, find out what he was lacking in your marriage to make him want to leave, and make sure that you address those issues. Do the same for yourself as well, because odds are there are some things that you are likely needing out of this marriage that you're not getting as well. Beyond that, I don't know of anything short of time. Time for him to re-demonstrate his commitment to you. Time for the hurt that you've felt over this to fade some. It may never go away...my wife had an emotional online affair this past Spring...and when I confronted her about it, she "left" me for him. In truth, she spent the week in a motel getting stuff together and waiting on the flight to go to where he lived. This regardless of the fact that they had NEVER met face to face. Its been seven months since the truth came out. They've broken all contact, and my wife has finally begun to convince me that she's not going anywhere. I still hurt, and may hurt for a LONG time to come. But, the pain and distrust seem to lessen as she continues to demonstrate her desire to stay and fix things. I expect it should likely be similar for you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Men leaving temporarily is normal. This is how we sometimes deal with adverse situations, by leaving. I call it "avoidance therapy". LOL! Sorry to laugh, but is kinda is true. My H doesn't 'leave' as in move out of our house...But he definately needs to figure things out on his own before he's ready to talk or deal with whatever the issue is at large. I give him space to figure it out and eventually he comes around. I support him and his decisions. Even if I don't agree with some of it, in the end it is his problem and only he knows the right way to deal with it. Just allow yourself to give eachother the chance. Try and let go of the worry he will leave. I know that is easier said than done but if you stress over it, he may feel pressured. Don't go looking for problems that may not actually be there. Maybe find a friend or someone close to you that you can open up to. Or even a therapist to help you sort out these feelings and worries. Just afew suggestions. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale You can not keep anyone from leaving at anytime. Unless you have them shackled or chained up in the basement. I think one of the keys to getting over insecurity is to accept certain truths in relationships. An important one being just as Alphamale said. You couldn't stop it anyway if it happened. I find what helps me is to remind myself, sometimes daily , that I've elected to trust. It makes it more active. A verb...something you do. You can't stop him from leaving if he wants to. You've already made it through the experience once, so you have the comfort of knowing that while difficult and painful, you can survive it. The important thing as you further invest in the relationship, is that you both acknowledge the insecurity and take steps to minimize it. Perhaps, continuing on in a career, or investing in enough savings to make you comfortable? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts