Second Time around is so much harder

[doubled]

Here's a little background since I usually post in Infidelity. My soon to be ex WH had an A and dday was over 3 years ago. The A was with a mutual friend. We tried to R on and off over the years. I realized I would never get past it and filed for a D.

 

This is going to be my second D. My first M only lasted a year. We were high school sweethearts and realized quickly that neither of us was happy. It was an easy quick amicable D.

 

This time around is sooo much harder. We have a house and 2 young children. He is now seeing the OW and I hate that there is no legal way I can keep him from bringing her around the kids. I know they won't last and I don't want to see the kids suffer again in the end. I tried to discuss it with him and he laughed at me. I don't know maybe he is just acting this way out of anger that I want a D.

 

I'm not really looking for advice, just venting since I can't to family and friends since they feel I should still be trying to R. He was truly sorry and really trying but I just couldn't live with the hurt and anger anymore.

 

Thanks for listening

[longjourney]

Hi, I am going through the beginning stages of finding out about my WH's A. I am a mess. I too am afraid to end my M because I KNOW my WH will go to the OW. Quite frankly, I do not know why he is still here with me. I feel as if he is waiting for me to play the D card. I spend most of my time thinking he is only here for our children. Is that fear of your H and the OW being together the reason you attempted R? I can see that as the driving force with me and staying in my M.

 

How do you R with yourself the ending of your two M's? Have you dissected all of your actions and second guessed yourself in thinking you contributed to both M's ending, and in turn your second H turning to another W? I find I spend my days either worrying about where my WH is and if not I am ripping myself apart.

 

I find myself hoping it will get easier and then I read a post such as yours. You are D and your hands are still tied and your WH is back exactly where my H will be IF I decide to do the same.

[doubled]

I think part of the reason I tried is because I didn't want them to be together. It was when we separated 2 years ago that I did realize he loved me and wanted to be with me. He would still be here with me if I called off the D. He is just with her right now by default and that's why I KNOW they will not last.

 

In the beginning I felt the same. Always wondering if he was seeing OW or talking to her. Again I realized he wasn't when we separated and they weren't together. Most couples in my situation do R because my WH did show true remorse and was doing the work to try. I just couldn't get past it. I think the fact that I was betrayed by my H and a friend made it harder.

 

As for my first D, I don't really think to much about it because it was mutual and there were no hard feelings. It was just a mistake. He is now remarried and has a baby girl.

 

I hope whatever you decide to do you find peace with it and don't make it about just not wanting him to be with the OW. He needs to prove he just wants to be with you.

[longjourney]

I tried to discuss it with him and he laughed at me.

 

If it is true that he does still want to be with you and he loves you not the OW, why would he go running to again? Why would he laugh in your face? That is not showing you any kind of respect. That is the epidemy of wayward thinking. You said in your post that your WH "did the work". How is it that he would do this to you then? Wouldn't he be crying and begging you to take him back. Doesn't he realize that him running to the OW is the ONE thing that will make that never happen?

 

I don't mean to offend, however it sounds as if he has not changed his thinking at all and he is still selfish and is looking for that allusive "happiness" he thinks he had with the OW. That just makes me angry because now he gets to have the OW and his children. I am sorry I think I am projecting, but this may be good for me. It is time I get angry and stop feeling sorry for myself.

[doubled]

He's being this way and doing all this because he knows 100% I am done and there is no chance for us anymore. I think he is with the OW to try and piss me off or make me jealous but it doesn't. He's with her right now because she strokes his ego and worships him but the fun will wear off because it's not an exciting secret life anymore. I just worry about my kids.

[doubled]

 

It is time I get angry and stop feeling sorry for myself.

 

I agree. Do you really think they would last in the real world? If i'm remembering correctly didn't she initiate NC with your WH? If she really meant it I doubt they would end up together. You can't think of that anymore and start thinking about what you have to do for yourself.

[longjourney]

I think he is with the OW to try and piss me off or make me jealous but it doesn't.

 

How can it not? He is carrying on with the OW who you fought SO hard to get over during you R and now he is right back in her bed. I was never the most secure person and now after my WH's A my self esteem doesn't exist at all. I have read that many times it NEVER comes back.

 

I am sorry, but you have awakened something in me that I haven't felt since my WH's DDay a few months ago. I cannot even imagine putting in YEARS of work, you said you felt and KNEW that he loved YOU, and he does this. How do you know it ever stopped? That is my fear. The OW just popping back into his life? It sounds odd. I could very easily see my WH taking his A under ground. It was a LTA, he had REAL and TRUE feelings for her. You mean to tell me they disappeared and now reappeared. THAT is my BIGGEST fear. God help me. How am I going to make it through this. My kids need me, they need their Dad too.

[longjourney]

I agree. Do you really think they would last in the real world? If i'm remembering correctly didn't she initiate NC with your WH? If she really meant it I doubt they would end up together. You can't think of that anymore and start thinking about what you have to do for yourself.

 

Do you really want to hear my way of thinking? I don't trust anyone now. I don't know if I ever will, but I am actually thinking that my WH and the OW came up with that NC letter together. How does a LTA just come to an end so abruptly. I have asked my WH this repeatedly since the NC letter. His answers are vague to say the least. My WH"s "oh well" reaction is what made me think they thought this up together He did not seem sad, angry or hurt. It didn't seem real KWIM?

[doubled]

How can it not? He is carrying on with the OW who you fought SO hard to get over during you R and now he is right back in her bed. I was never the most secure person and now after my WH's A my self esteem doesn't exist at all. I have read that many times it NEVER comes back.

 

I am sorry, but you have awakened something in me that I haven't felt since my WH's DDay a few months ago. I cannot even imagine putting in YEARS of work, you said you felt and KNEW that he loved YOU, and he does this. How do you know it ever stopped? That is my fear. The OW just popping back into his life? It sounds odd. I could very easily see my WH taking his A under ground. It was a LTA, he had REAL and TRUE feelings for her. You mean to tell me they disappeared and now reappeared. THAT is my BIGGEST fear. God help me. How am I going to make it through this. My kids need me, they need their Dad too.

 

I'm not jealous because I'm not in love with this man. The man I fell in love with never existed. I tried for myself and my children. I am glad I can say that I didn't just give up and walk away. I really don't think he saw her this whole time. I will never know 100%. He admitted to me that he contacted her after he received the D papers and knew for sure I was done. He just can't stand to be alone and she was happy to be there for him.

 

Don't get me wrong, of course it stings. You will get through this for your kids. A lot of people on the infidelity forum were and are able to R. Every story is different. Are you in MC or IC? He has to do the work and prove to you that he is where he wants to be.

[doubled]

Do you really want to hear my way of thinking? I don't trust anyone now. I don't know if I ever will, but I am actually thinking that my WH and the OW came up with that NC letter together. How does a LTA just come to an end so abruptly. I have asked my WH this repeatedly since the NC letter. His answers are vague to say the least. My WH"s "oh well" reaction is what made me think they thought this up together He did not seem sad, angry or hurt. It didn't seem real KWIM?

 

I don't think I will ever be able to trust again either. A lot of men don't show emotion like we do. He might have been mad or sad about it ending but didn't want to hurt you more by showing you. It can abruptly end when they get caught. If you really believe in your gut they still see each other then maybe you should hire a PI or a lot of people talk about a voice activated recorder. Maybe that will help you know what the right decision is for you. I don't know if cheaters ever fully get the pain and damage they cause families.

[Just1me]

Second time definetely worse for me too. First one we we reusing and right or if high school. This one has crushed me and left me really heart broken as well as my kids.

[longjourney]

The man I fell in love with never existed.

 

Are you in MC or IC?

 

You are COMPLETELY RIGHT ABOUT THAT. My WH was in love with OW before we were even M. He was never mine to begin with. The more I read here the more I see how so many wasted so much precious time on R only to have it end and still be rejected and be second choice. I am leaning toward cutting my loses. Why live in doubt for so many years.

Yes I am in IC and he is too. I just can't see recovering from this though. How did you do it in the early days? I don't want to tell too many people, how did you get support. If it wasn't for my kids I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed

[doubled]

Yes I am in IC and he is too. I just can't see recovering from this though. How did you do it in the early days? I don't want to tell too many people, how did you get support. If it wasn't for my kids I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed

 

I told everyone including my family. The ow was a mutual friend so I needed my real girlfriends to know who she really was and they have supported me through it all. Maybe you should try MC. I did it because I wanted to be able to tell my kids when they are older and can understand better that I tried everything. I wish the best for you longjourney and I hope you get all of the answers you deserve. Noone should feel second best.

[LuvsTrucks2]

I agree with Just1me, the second time around is much worse. My second I am going through now, rocked me to my core.

[longjourney]

I told everyone including my family.

 

 

I have been thinking about telling my family, but I just can't get myself to do it. How do you look your parents in the eye and tell them your H cheated on you for years, but yeah Mom and Dad he's a keeper. How do you still have family get-togethers and not feel the tension in the air. Your WH was "ok" with that? I can just see MY WH completely put his foot down and retreat into a cave if I ever told him I was thinking about telling my parents. I think he would avoid ALL future family occasions. I would be worried about sharing the LTA, what if we do wind up together? Family won't be as forgiving as I may be.

[doubled]

I have been thinking about telling my family, but I just can't get myself to do it. How do you look your parents in the eye and tell them your H cheated on you for years, but yeah Mom and Dad he's a keeper. How do you still have family get-togethers and not feel the tension in the air. Your WH was "ok" with that? I can just see MY WH completely put his foot down and retreat into a cave if I ever told him I was thinking about telling my parents. I think he would avoid ALL future family occasions. I would be worried about sharing the LTA, what if we do wind up together? Family won't be as forgiving as I may be.

 

 

I was sooo mad I just wanted everyone to know. He was pissed and embarrassed but more about his family knowing. Everyone was there for me and understood my reasons for staying and now for leaving. The first year was tough. There weren't too many family get togethers. You shouldn't have to hide from what he did.