skylarblue Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Just trying to get an idea of timescales here. I'm nearly eight years in, has anyone else managed to continue this long? Seven year A with xMM that I believe would still be going on today if I hadn't end it. I don't even know where the time went or how we lasted that long. It's been 2yrs since it ended, but we are still friends and still communicate although I'm still on the fence as to whether friendship has been a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 The big question is length. Does that count starting and stopping? Physical vs emotional? In total 6 years. Went 2 years without speaking in between. Emotional 4. Physical for 2.5. I can't even quantify it. We still talk, but monthly at the most. Does that count? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 It's never too late to get him to change his mind. How old are your twin boys and how big toll has it been on them? It is incredibly naive to think you can change someone's mind like that. Sofie has shown true remorse for her affair but there are no guarantees at all that her husband will choose to reconcile. She is doing all she can for now. I also would be far from confident if I were you to assume that your husband would stay with you if he found you had been having an affair with a family friend since before you even got married. I have seen the pain and devastation affairs cause to BS (fWS here). You won't even be able to predict what will happen in the next 5 minutes let alone predict your husband will stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I think while the affair is going most people do so much justifying in their head that it doesnt seem that bad at times and the WS starts thinking if they got caught their marriage probably won't end especially if you can stay together for the kids. Keep in my mind if you keep your spouse and family that often the reconciliation process isn't worth the trouble and even if your kids forgive you the spouse will be so devastated(especially if it's uncovered that it started before you had children) that you will never see the same person you knew ever again, you will have destroyed that persons ego, confidence and trust for a lifetime... Not always but likely especially for masculine husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
Arty54 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I had an affair for 8yrs with a women that I fell in love with, my wife never actually found out as there was no real evidence but knew there is no smoke without fire, tried to make a go of it but divorced me, I lost everything, financial security, beautiful house, my two teenage kids, in hindsight it was never worth it, the pain and devastation that divorces cause families and friends is NEVER worth it, but when your in it and loved up you just don't see the heartache and pain coming your way and for what, a bit of excitement. I was still in love with my wife so shouldn't have betrayed her, still living with that guilt even though she has now after a few years moved on, I am happy for her though just wish I hadn't put everyone through it all!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I was a single OW for 6 months. He left his long-term R a little over a month ago. We are together still. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 She didn't believe that people would have an A with no intention of leaving their Spouse. Oh, please, I wish I hadn't read that. I want the man I love to do what makes him happy. I am not here to get my hopes up. We are 1.5 years in and going strong! Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I just had this conversation with my WS. She didn't believe that people would have an A with no intention of leaving their Spouse. ...I don't even want to think about the subconscious intentions some of us harbor. Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 The big question is length. Does that count starting and stopping? Physical vs emotional? In total 6 years. Went 2 years without speaking in between. Emotional 4. Physical for 2.5. I can't even quantify it. We still talk, but monthly at the most. Does that count? Sure it does! 17 months just friends, 15 months intimate, but I left him for 2 months this year so...? I don't count the months I was gone, because I was still with him in spirit. So... Calculate it as your heart dictates. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Oh, please, I wish I hadn't read that. I want the man I love to do what makes him happy. I am not here to get my hopes up. We are 1.5 years in and going strong! I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that, only having an A with the intention of leaving for love. It's fantastic that you're so giving in that way, but I'm sure there's a limit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that, only having an A with the intention of leaving for love. It's fantastic that you're so giving in that way, but I'm sure there's a limit. Aw, thank you! I sincerely just want him to be happy, to not settle in life, and be fulfilled. I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't have any hopes, only appreciation for the time we share. We've discussed the secret sauce in our recipe to success: staying in the moment and not getting wound up in the future, which will take care of itself in its own time anyway. We just stay in the moment, focus on friendship, and communicate. Winning! ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Three years, four months here. I am head over heels in love; but it's getting harder and harder to endure being the OW. I've set a deadline of January 2014, which will be four and a half years. If he can't sort himself out to the extent that we are at least openly seeing each other by then... I'm out! Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 What an interesting thread. I sure could argue the merits of ending up with one significant other, and not continue an affair any longer than necessary to get rid of the mate you don't want to be with. I guess I'm a one woman person..... Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Three years, four months here. I am head over heels in love; but it's getting harder and harder to endure being the OW. I've set a deadline of January 2014, which will be four and a half years. If he can't sort himself out to the extent that we are at least openly seeing each other by then... I'm out! SolG. I felt the same way. I hope for your sake that it goes well...and you don't get hurt. I still have some hope/delusion, but I'm getting to where I won't be a second choice...I want to be the only one..and I want confidence from the person who chooses me...that they aren't second guessing... Link to post Share on other sites
Sofie2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 It's never too late to get him to change his mind. How old are your twin boys and how big toll has it been on them? Will I am hoping he will change his mind. I don’t know if it well happen. My boys are 7. They haven’t taken very hard and it only been a few weeks since we separated. My husband and I talked to them about the divorce and what it meant .At first they seemed fine. After a week or so they stared asking questions like, whens daddy coming, why isn’t daddy home, why doesn’t dad want to live here. I had to set them down and tell them about the divorce again and what it meant. They cried and still do. The nights are the hardest on them I try to keep them. My heartbreaks every time they cry and I can’t do anything about. People on this site like to think young kids are more resilient, That’s not true at all they suffer just as much. Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Children age 6-11 deal the best with divorce. Studies have proven this. It's never 110% easy but that's the best age bracket in general. An expansion in the life of children at this age makes them distant from their parents in general. They are more surrounded by friends and spend a good amount to time in play ground. This sometimes help them deal with the issue better. In the early stages the child may feel rejected but as time passes they realize their importance in your life. Ages 6-11 An expansion in the life of children at this age makes them distant from their parents in general. They are more surrounded by friends and spend a good amount to time in play ground. This sometimes help them deal with the issue better. In the early stages the child may feel rejected but as time passes they realize their importance in your life. Though, some children have difficulties in accepting the truth and consequently show poor results in school. Some may involve themselves in activities to forget about the incidents. They may even prefer to stay at home instead of going to school. Reassuring safety and spending quality time each day with your disturbed child will help him come out of the situation. Encourage your child to indulge in extra-curricular activities, share your emotions and show your care. Do things that interest them most. Pulling them out from loneliness will help in accepting the situation. Help them understand that they are not responsible for the divorce. http://www.lovingyourchild.com/2013/07/understand-the-effects-of-divorce-on-children-by-age/ Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Children age 6-11 deal the best with divorce. Studies have proven this. It's never 110% easy but that's the best age bracket in general. An expansion in the life of children at this age makes them distant from their parents in general. They are more surrounded by friends and spend a good amount to time in play ground. This sometimes help them deal with the issue better. In the early stages the child may feel rejected but as time passes they realize their importance in your life. Ages 6-11 An expansion in the life of children at this age makes them distant from their parents in general. They are more surrounded by friends and spend a good amount to time in play ground. This sometimes help them deal with the issue better. In the early stages the child may feel rejected but as time passes they realize their importance in your life. Though, some children have difficulties in accepting the truth and consequently show poor results in school. Some may involve themselves in activities to forget about the incidents. They may even prefer to stay at home instead of going to school. Reassuring safety and spending quality time each day with your disturbed child will help him come out of the situation. Encourage your child to indulge in extra-curricular activities, share your emotions and show your care. Do things that interest them most. Pulling them out from loneliness will help in accepting the situation. Help them understand that they are not responsible for the divorce. Understand The Effects Of Divorce On Children By Age | Loving Your Child It says that the author is a blogger for a law firm. Does that mean they have experience with children or are they using research from someone else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 That was just a quick reference to a suggestion regarding children's age and impact of D. Obviously it's different for every child, every case... It's just in general younger children deal with an amicable D better than older. In the D's that have happened to friends and family that has always stood true for me, but I really don't know of many horrific D's. The worst S/D I know of first hand would be mine and my xH, even then our young children are doing great happy and healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
mal0980 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Will I am hoping he will change his mind. I don’t know if it well happen. My boys are 7. They haven’t taken very hard and it only been a few weeks since we separated. My husband and I talked to them about the divorce and what it meant .At first they seemed fine. After a week or so they stared asking questions like, whens daddy coming, why isn’t daddy home, why doesn’t dad want to live here. I had to set them down and tell them about the divorce again and what it meant. They cried and still do. The nights are the hardest on them I try to keep them. My heartbreaks every time they cry and I can’t do anything about. People on this site like to think young kids are more resilient, That’s not true at all they suffer just as much. I'm sorry, it's really rough for you, your boys, and your husband. Kids do suffer more when parents are going through a separation or divorce. You just have to be there for them and support them, and be there when they ask the tough questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Approaching 4 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightonrock Posted November 6, 2013 Author Share Posted November 6, 2013 Just goes to show, whatever the time length of the affair, the same strong feelings continue to remain throughout.... Link to post Share on other sites
BrookeRL Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Married to my husband for 8 years. I have been having an affair with another man for 3 years now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mamas girl Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 One year. Couldn't stand it any longer. Both of us married. I wanted more, he didn't. Going on three weeks NC. Think about him every day. Cry a little. Miss him so much. Have no desire to contact him though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightonrock Posted November 15, 2013 Author Share Posted November 15, 2013 One year. Couldn't stand it any longer. Both of us married. I wanted more, he didn't. Going on three weeks NC. Think about him every day. Cry a little. Miss him so much. Have no desire to contact him though. I wish I had been that strong. I think when one or both of you are married it makes it even harder. I certainly didn't think for one minute when my relationship with OM started that I would still be just emotionally involved eight years on. Long term affairs are interesting as well as exhausting as you go through many different stages, you love, then you hate, you obsess then you find yourself becoming complacent towards them. Power games are played, you wonder who really is the one in control. You find yourself getting hopeful again, then hopes are dashed - again. you know the relationship doesn't have a future but you remain in it, a toxic habit...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 I wish I had been that strong. I think when one or both of you are married it makes it even harder. I certainly didn't think for one minute when my relationship with OM started that I would still be just emotionally involved eight years on. Long term affairs are interesting as well as exhausting as you go through many different stages, you love, then you hate, you obsess then you find yourself becoming complacent towards them. Power games are played, you wonder who really is the one in control. You find yourself getting hopeful again, then hopes are dashed - again. you know the relationship doesn't have a future but you remain in it, a toxic habit...... That's most enlightening brightonrock, and thankyou for such an open post.......... Link to post Share on other sites
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