Double Emotional life?

[Dane1965]

I have been always wondering what the formulae is to be with one person? How to keep your happiness in your relationship. How to lead a meaningful life and yet be challenged with the facts that life changes, people changes, the whole world changes.

 

I have this thought that we all live some double emotional life. The one we live in. The one we want to live in. A double life when in balance you would probably find yourself in some harmony. If not, a complex situation will occur an you may find your self not knowing what is right nor wrong. Perhaps a simple definition. I guess I am expecting the people in this forum to give their own suggestion.

 

The key question would be:

Are we suppose to only love one person in our lives?

if not

Can we love more than me?

and if we can:

How do you build a sound barrier to live your life in some harmony with dealing with the norms we currently live under?

 

I am not trying to create something black and white. I would love to start an objective discussion. A discussion perhaps can show that life isn't black and white. A discussion, which shows that we all do know what's right and wrong. Or perhaps we don't want or need to know.

 

Is it sex or just love or perhaps simply knowledge. What do the statistics tells us? Or what do we think is really happening in every society?

 

looking forward to this discussion

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Dane1965

The key question would be:

1. Are we suppose to only love one person in our lives?

if not

2. Can we love more than one?

and if we can:

3. How do you build a sound barrier to live your life in some harmony with dealing with the norms we currently live under?

looking forward to this discussion

 

I can only answer for myself on this one, but:

 

1. Whether or not you think that entirely depends on your upbringing, your social environment, your religious beliefs, your moral standings on it, and your emotional capacity to do so:

The way I see it, loving only one person in your life is a choice - not a matter of fact or of nature. Our basic biology drives us to procreate and perpetuate our genes for the survival of the species. Our human nature determines how we incorporate that into our lives.

 

2. Loving more than one person depends on your emotional capacity to do so. I know people who can and do love more than one person, and I know people for whom that is unthinkable. It all depends on the individual. It is not up to one person to determine how another person loves, but in a relationship - both partners need to have a clear understanding of the other's emotional capacity and parameters for love.

 

3. If your norm is loving and being in a relationship with more than one person - and it is a norm shared by your partners, then I see nothing wrong with that as long as all parties involved share that norm and live in harmony and understanding with it.

 

In order to live your life in harmony with societal norms, you need to acknowledge the societal norms and respect the rights of others to live by these societal norms even if you don't follow or agree with them. Nothing says you have to live your life by those norms, but - you have to expect and understand that you'll catch hell for it if you don't 'fit with the norm' in a given situation. You can either be a reed (accommodating) bending to the wind of 'societal norms' or you can be an oak (rebelling) and be uprooted by it.

 

I choose to love only the man and the child that I am with now - but otherwise, I live my life like the reed. I bend to the societal norms in that I acknowledge them, but I'll never let them break me or change how I am. The stronger you are, and the more secure you are - the easier it becomes to live 'outside the norm'.

[Owl]

Well, I'm likely to upset a few with my feelings on the subject, but it wouldn't be the first time, and likely not the last either!

 

I think it all depends on what you want to define as "love". If you're referring to the "in love" feelings that we all get in the first part of a relationship, where everything that person does/is overwhelms us and convinces us that they are "the one", I think its possible for someone to feel that more than once in their lives. I also don't feel that that is the "true love" that we should have in our lives.

 

Can we love more than one person in our lives? I'd say many people can, yes. Can we love more than one person AT THE SAME TIME? Not really. Because real love takes WORK to keep going. Its NOT blind. Its working through the problems...not avoiding them. And trying to do that with more than one person at a time isn't really possible. You end up giving one of the two people less than all of your attention and love.

 

Living a double life doesn't create more harmony...it creates more stress. Talk with some of the MM/MW from the Infidelity board who have tried to do exactly that...most of them are so relieved that the lies and double life is over when the affair is out in the open that they are ecstatic.

 

Harmony is found by living the way you're supposed to live. By not hiding from everyone. By being honest and open with the person you love...and know that they are doing the same with you. Its knowing that you're having a positive affect on the people around you...and its not having a conflict in your heart and your mind. No conflict trying to decide where you should be...who you should be with...who you told what lie to. THAT is harmony.

[Dane1965]

Thanks for the replies. I am not looking for a formula which results in any lame excuses. I am curious why people have made the decision to be with one person. And why, perhaps, with two people in their lives. Could it be that you seek some sort of “you make me complete” (Jerry Maguire) concept with different levels of love? If you haven’t had too much love in your life that you acknowledge that nobody can give it to you unless it provided my many? And how much does the ego truly need in order to still show humanity towards your self and for other you care for?

 

I do feel that we need to look into different scenarios which can e.g. dependent of your upbringing or simply based on the morals you have created. I am just thinking that in all of us we have a need, the need to develop. People change as everything here on earth. If we choose to stick to one love (please correct me if I am wrong) then we perhaps need to work with the three principles from Fromm: discipline, patience and concentration. Something I believe I saw mentioned in the first reply. But then again, what is love. What love did we receive when we were young and in our lives? Each person has his/hers own definition what love they need. Its just that the society we live in provides us with some template of what exercises we should follow indeed to show love, family, getting married etc. Is this what we all need? Just look at all those singles nowadays. Do we need to create some sort of evolutionary step to adapt to our new lifestyles?

 

Sometimes we don’t have all the luck to meet someone special. I am also a believer that people are good pretenders of showing love when if you e.g. don’t want be alone, economically dependant, need a man to support you and your kids etc. You then "fall in love" in what is needed to survive. Maybe harsh, but I have heard so many stories.

 

My point is, just to stick to the subject, and is that I think a person can love several people. The question is: what is love? Isn’t this the subject that has been song about for centuries? That no matter how much we think about it, it is still a mystery.

 

Maybe I should ask this question. If we say that we cannot love e.g. 2 people in the same way, could it then be that you could be in love with two people because these two "loves" (if you can say that in English) are of a different context?

[Owl]

OK...I think that you can only love one spouse...or other person in your life as your lifemate/husband/wife/girlfriend/whatever. I mention the difference between being "in love" and love because to me (and to a lot of psychologists, therapists, counselors, etc...) there is a HUGE difference between the initial feelings you have when you meet someone that you are strongly attracted to, and to the feelings you have for someone that you have known and shared your life with for a long time. Take it from someone who's been married to the same person for 17 years...they are NOT the same thing.

 

Can you be "in love" (read strongly attracted to, infatuated with, etc..) for a short time with more than one person? Yes...because those feelings will NEVER last anyway.

 

Can you LOVE more than one person in the same manner as you love a long term spouse/significant other at the same time?? No...because you have to work to make that happen. You have to build and maintain a relationship...and if you're building or maintaining a relationship with one person, you can't do it effectively with another. (Look at how many of us that have had our spouses involved in an affair KNEW that something was going on...because we felt the loss of intimacy and love in OUR relationship...because our spouse was unable to do both at the same time. How many times have wandering spouses told their spouse "I still LOVE you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you."? Hence my question about differntiation.)

 

Sorry if you don't like my response. Clarify exactly what kind of feelings you're asking us to consider...what you are asking us to review is too broad and vague. Or are you looking for a specific answer already???

[Dane1965]

Oh, I am happy with the responses. Don’t get me wrong. Perhaps the subject is vague but then again so is my believe what end result I would expect. And I think that both responses so far have been good.

 

Maybe I have mixed things a bit. Maybe I can ask a more direct question after a while discussing this. The root is to find the defintition of love. Then again, arent we all so different, different cultures, different backgrounds, that we cannot generalize what love is?

 

I agree that we have the "in-love" feeling and the "true love" build after many years. To make the subject clearer, I am referring to the love build during many years.

 

I am truly happy to hear that you both have made sense to your self and your spouse. I am here talking about relationship and love. I agree that honesty lasts longer. Maybe we should perhaps hear from someone who hasn’t had that luck in life. Just to keep an open mind.

 

We all want to have some meaningful life. Avoid the "mr scrooge" effect as I call it. Your character may not change but the knowledge of your own identity may.

 

Perhaps we should try to think out of the box. Try to understand the periphery (the boundaries) of the circle so we can truly find the Centrum (cause/reason) of the matter.

[Owl]

Too esoteric for me...and I'm as far outside the box as you can imagine. Good luck on your vision quest.

[fanou22]

The root is to find the definition of love.

 

There is not one simple definition of love. You are wondering why some people choose to spend their lives with one person. IMO the answer is simple. That ONE person complements your life in every aspect. We all look for a mate to spend our lives with. As humans this is the quest of our life.

 

Some people might argue that but then again it is only my opinion. Why some people need more than one person? Because when you look deep into their soul they are not happy with their lives. Very rarely do these people admit to their own happiness. They aimlessly wandering in search of the next excitement whether be it an affair (in case of married people) or a new toy or a new job. These people will never find peace, joy, happiness, and love. Some of the things are good enough for the time being but never good in the long run.

 

I have never been married so I don't know the feeling of love in the long run. But I have seen among people that I know what you mentioned. I have seen people fall out of love and hate each other. Of the same token, I know a couple who are in love with each other as much as when they first started dating and that was eons ago. I haven't worked it yet to ask these people what is their secret. But I am guessing that they accept each other the way they are. They don't try to change each other. They seek new excitement together and not individually.

 

I have wondered about these same notions and they usually depress me. I did question love, trust, and commitment and I came to the conclusion that no matter how many questions you ask and how many opinions you seek; it all comes down to what you believe in.

 

Yes, love exists. Sometimes, it is just there for us but we refuse to believe it and let it go. When someone hurts us, it is our defense mechanism that kicks in and we question all our beliefs. But you know what? we are humans, we have feelings. We do get hurt. Pain is a reminder of our humanity.

[Dane1965]

I have wondered about these same notions and they usually depress me. I did question love, trust, and commitment and I came to the conclusion that no matter how many questions you ask and how many opinions you seek; it all comes down to what you believe in

 

Very nice statement. Thanks.

 

I sometimes wonder that if we dont doubt ourselves, when can you ever grow.

 

Here are some comments I have picked up:

 

1. So love, which you believe in and have decided to be with one person. So it is a decision. Back to the Fromm theories.

2. The way I see it, loving only one person in your life is a choice I wonder how many people have made that choice. If they have, has it been purely based on true love?

3. The stronger you are, and the more secure you are - the easier it becomes to live 'outside the norm'. For some people one norm is normal. For others it may have another character. How do you truly define what love is if your belives are different. If you have captured the sense in a whole different perspective? Is therefor the 'word" love not become some part of globalisation which has defined what the norms are and how we identify love from people. Isnt true love a matter of deep respect and care for another person in some unselfish manner? What if the definition of respect and care different from person to person?

4. most of them are so relieved that the lies and double life is over when the affair is out in the open that they are ecstatic Correct. then again what do we know what the other person is thinking. Just imagine the fact that you knew exactly what the other person, who you perhaps knew for years, thought of. Regardless the true good nature of this person, you would not like to know. The point I am trying to make is that how secret should your needs be? How much does a person need to verify his/her true feelings to the outside. How many times have people not dared to show them, because of the norms we live in. Afraid of getting hurt. I always believe in that you need minimum one person in your lif who you do not lie to. Maybe two if you count yourself.

 

Has anyone ever been truly honest to him and herself? Is the fact that we keep ourselves "civilized" just because we need to manage our existence. In our times now, we should perhaps realize that if the society as it is now doesnt adapt to the emotional needs and instead confront us with a continious flow of easy material consumption, people will start defining their own need for love.

 

perhaps people from 60's (too young for that..:-)) can explain what they went through of the peace and love moment. Why it was so important to sharing everything. Maybe to some extreem. But what was the reason for that need?

 

I am still not convinced that you cannnot love more than one person. Maybe there are some who knows better then me?

[fanou22]

1. So love, which you believe in and have decided to be with one person. So it is a decision. Back to the Fromm theories.

 

Love is a feeling and an emotion. You decide to be with one person because you cannot imagine life without them. This is love. Of the same token when you truly love someone. You would rather get hurt than hurt the other person even if the same love is returned.

 

2. The way I see it, loving only one person in your life is a choice I wonder how many people have made that choice. If they have, has it been purely based on true love?

I cannot answer that for I haven't found my one and true love yet.

 

3. The stronger you are, and the more secure you are - the easier it becomes to live 'outside the norm'. For some people one norm is normal. For others it may have another character. How do you truly define what love is if your belives are different. If you have captured the sense in a whole different perspective? Is therefor the 'word" love not become some part of globalisation which has defined what the norms are and how we identify love from people. Isnt true love a matter of deep respect and care for another person in some unselfish manner? What if the definition of respect and care different from person to person?

 

Recently people have quantified what is not. Some people equate love with valuables. IMO, it is true that with love comes a deep respect and care in some unselfish manner. Nobody would be able to define and generalize respect and care. It differs from one person to the other. The respect that you give a family member is not the same as the one you give your boss or your loved one. The respect and care you give for your loved one is the one where you are in awe that they are part of your life and that the other person simply came to exist is the same lifetime as yours.

 

I will not try to convince you that you cannot love one person. Yes you can. But you cannot love 2 persons (as in significant other) at the same time. Because if this was an mathematical equation, it will negate itself.

You can love and fall in love time and time again. Some people fall in love with their spouse time and time again and some others fall in love with the OW/OM.

 

The strains put on us by our lives drive us to seek another person.

 

I would love to hear more from you and about the situation that drove you to questioning. Feel free to PM if you don't want to post the story to the public.

[Dane1965]

I think that your opinions are very close to what i think myself.

 

Though, we have now defined what is possible or not. That we may have different opinions is another matter.

 

Does this then mean that we do not have a subconscious emotional pattern? Like i wrote in an earlier post, people get together for different reasons, being in love is sort of the start mechanism. To support your way through the beginning. Something to remember of.

 

maybe we should separate commitment to the word love. that you are committed, is based on love and respect etc

 

maybe meeting someone special (i hope you do btw) is special at that moment you meet that person. But what if, when you have had years of relationship, you may change, your partner may change. And perhaps respect turns to love or vice versa.

 

I still think that for a human being that we have two emotional lives. Which started this discussion in the first place. What we have and what we need. Also our desires (erotic love as fromm calls it) can have an effect.

 

its all about treating your partner with respect...but perhaps i am so wrong and kidding myself. maybe I just need to discuss how to get a muse in life to still grow. perhaps i see things differently and need another way of love then many people do. This i can accept. What i cannot accept is that if i lie to myself and once get 60 years old and i think back in my life....is not to feel that i have missed something in life..i want to avoid the mr scrooge effect..

 

 

all this is my quest for life...and trying to see things in a more objective and realistic manner