Pandora08 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Hi there! I'm currently in a LDR with my boyfriend of 18 months. He went out to Malaysia to study for a year and has been gone for 3 months so far. With both of us struggling with work/uni loads and issues, we've only been managing to email once a day (plus hes very bad at communicating - always has been ) and skype once a week... Ive booked to visit him first of january, and am very excited. But am finding everything at the moment really difficult, like theres no point anymore. I get angry when he doesnt reply to me when I know hes online. He does't seem to appreciate or put the effort in for me as much as I do for him....i understand that hes in another country and everything is still exciting....but I dont think he understands how hard it is for me. I love him to bits but I hate all these negative thoughts that constantly pop into my head. My trust issues with him have dropped ( we broke up before he left as he said he wanted to be single again before he gets married and that he wanted to experience new things...bit ***ish i know) but we got back together...even so, when the person you adore says that to you, it shakes you up a bit...but then he says hes planned stuff for us to do when I go out to visit and he seems genuinley really excited about me going out?! Any words of advice/anyone else whos been in the same boat or had experiences please let me know! Link to post Share on other sites
nomadic_butterfly Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Hi there! I'm currently in a LDR with my boyfriend of 18 months. He went out to Malaysia to study for a year and has been gone for 3 months so far. With both of us struggling with work/uni loads and issues, we've only been managing to email once a day (plus hes very bad at communicating - always has been ) and skype once a week... Ive booked to visit him first of january, and am very excited. But am finding everything at the moment really difficult, like theres no point anymore. I get angry when he doesnt reply to me when I know hes online. He does't seem to appreciate or put the effort in for me as much as I do for him....i understand that hes in another country and everything is still exciting....but I dont think he understands how hard it is for me. I love him to bits but I hate all these negative thoughts that constantly pop into my head. My trust issues with him have dropped ( we broke up before he left as he said he wanted to be single again before he gets married and that he wanted to experience new things...bit ***ish i know) but we got back together...even so, when the person you adore says that to you, it shakes you up a bit...but then he says hes planned stuff for us to do when I go out to visit and he seems genuinley really excited about me going out?! Any words of advice/anyone else whos been in the same boat or had experiences please let me know! If he is super young his feelings are normal. Marriage is a huge commitment and he might not be mentally and emotionally prepared for such an investment yet. Coupled with unknown variable like where he will get a job, people he might see and interact with regularly near by, etc. might be weighing on his mind. I personally think long distance is more suited to mature individuals because it is a huge sacrifice and takes lot of self discipline. You should respect the fact he was very honest about how he feels and see how it goes over the next few months. January is just around the corner! Cut him some slack; let him focus on his studies and vice versa. If it is meant to be it will work out later on in life if that is more feasible. Enjoy one of the best times of your life girlie! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pandora08 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 If he is super young his feelings are normal. Marriage is a huge commitment and he might not be mentally and emotionally prepared for such an investment yet. Coupled with unknown variable like where he will get a job, people he might see and interact with regularly near by, etc. might be weighing on his mind. I personally think long distance is more suited to mature individuals because it is a huge sacrifice and takes lot of self discipline. You should respect the fact he was very honest about how he feels and see how it goes over the next few months. January is just around the corner! Cut him some slack; let him focus on his studies and vice versa. If it is meant to be it will work out later on in life if that is more feasible. Enjoy one of the best times of your life girlie! Thank you very much! thats true - at the moment we're taking it as it comes. we're both 21 and i know im not thinking about marriage yet, but im thinking about going abroad too this year, just to take the advantage while hes away! I like the independance Im having at the moment, and i love being with him, but im worried he feels as though being with me is holding him back....lots of his friends have stayed with their girlfirends while theyre out there too (his friends have been in couples for about 3 years!) which makes me feel a bit better thank you for the advice though, will definately cut him some slack! Link to post Share on other sites
nomadic_butterfly Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 If he is super young his feelings are normal. Marriage is a huge commitment and he might not be mentally and emotionally prepared for such an investment yet. Coupled with unknown variable like where he will get a job, people he might see and interact with regularly near by, etc. might be weighing on his mind. I personally think long distance is more suited to mature individuals because it is a huge sacrifice and takes lot of self discipline. You should respect the fact he was very honest about how he feels and see how it goes over the next few months. January is just around the corner! Cut him some slack; let him focus on his studies and vice versa. If it is meant to be it will work out later on in life if that is more feasible. Enjoy one of the best times of your life girlie! Thank you very much! thats true - at the moment we're taking it as it comes. we're both 21 and i know im not thinking about marriage yet, but im thinking about going abroad too this year, just to take the advantage while hes away! I like the independance Im having at the moment, and i love being with him, but im worried he feels as though being with me is holding him back....lots of his friends have stayed with their girlfirends while theyre out there too (his friends have been in couples for about 3 years!) which makes me feel a bit better thank you for the advice though, will definately cut him some slack! Any time! Good luck to the both of you with school and love! Life has a way of working things out; don't sweat the small stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) I get angry when he doesnt reply to me when I know hes online.Since you have real-time interaction just once a week right now, try to be rational and not to waste that precious time together. You might write everything in one of your emails, keeping it nice. Keep a gentle tone. Don't be hard on him or you might come across as needy. Plan something nice for Christmas if you'd like that. Don't be like a pitbull at his neck. If you want to be that woman he'll want to spend his life with, you'll need to prove you're the right one. It was wise of him to think of being single for a while to live life and experiment... I'm saying this now, probably I wouldn't have said this 20 years ago. But this is what life taught me. I heard friends regretting some choices, or being in doubt when they were too ahead in a relationship feeling like they had no way out. It's not a good feeling. So it's better for anyone when they have done something with their lives, and they can tell what's best for them and what they really want. The worst thing you could do now would be suffocating him. That doesn't mean you need to be happy with anything he does..... It's just about being reasonable. So this is mainly up to you, because he seems to be fine with how things are now. Hold out until January. Then, when you'll be with him in person, it'll be easier to talk and let him know about your concerns. Keep it light though. No drama. Right now, you could tell him you won't write for a week, but that you'd enjoy reading his emails anyway, even if you won't be writing. At least, he will know what it feels like. Edited November 3, 2013 by justwhoiam Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pandora08 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 I've just seen this - turns out we did manage to stay together, and ended up staying together 8 months after as well! - saying that, he broke up with me a month ago for the same reasons that he said before he went away. Oh if only I knew back then! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Sorry to hear it didn't work out, OP. I think it's for the best, really - if you want a long-term R that could potentially lead to a lifetime together, and he knows he wants to be single again at some point in the future, the two of you have incompatible desires for the relationship. You should be with someone who wants the same things that you want. An LDR is an investment, and there's no purpose in investing in something that has little chance of yielding the end result you desire. On the bright side, you are now free to look for this person, and he might even live close to you! Link to post Share on other sites
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