Meeting after a month of NC. Tips?

[cristy]

cristy wrote:

Ok so. This is confusing.

 

Well I am not, confused, and this is not complicated, or unique.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, but I am not confused.

And in advance, sorry, I may sound harsh in my long reply.

 

He is not ready to reconnect, that is why you got lips and the «unique»,

the sentence no-one on here has heard before (I am being sarcastic)

«He said he misses me but that he's scared we will go back to what we used to be =

I don't know what I want» from the stupid ex-hole.

 

Listen to me, cristy.

 

Even if your ex-hole had said:

«I love you. I miss you. Let's try again. Let's kiss some more and make up.

We can work through this.»

 

But you know what?

 

He said and did all those things whilst you were dating, right,

and what happened in the end?

He still broke up with you.

 

Also, you know what it is like to date someone on drugs,

must be similar to dating someone abusing alcohol.

 

I made this promise to myself during no contact:

 

Only to break no contact if dildo face wrote or said:

«I have stopped drinking»

or «it has been months since my last drink».

 

So he couldn't win me back with: I miss yous or I love yous.

 

And even then, I would wait many months before I made contact with him.

 

Your ex-hole is NOT starting to feel he has made a mistake,

it has only been days since you last saw each other.

And not that long ago since the break up.

 

He is just feeling he doesn't want to be alone, and needs someone to get him over the hump, so to speak.

You are that someone.

 

He is showing classic signs of someone abusing drugs, drug of choice: pot.

 

He probably thought that being with you, when he wanted to, would help him get on the right track,

and stop being a fu*king loser pot head, and wasting his, and your, life on drugs.

This is a common belief for someone using drugs or alcohol to escape what is really going on.

 

But since he still hasn't dealt with the reason he is using pot,

the pot will still have a grip on him, and the pot will ALWAYS win.

This would have been your future, yes, today I am Madame thora-tiki, for 20 dollars I can tell you the future:

 

- He'd be high during your month of no contact, since you don't dare to have no contact longer,

since you are afraid he'll meet someone new in 27 days. Someone that thinks him on pot is so fun and lovely*.

- He'd be high when you two reconnected. (Super)

- He'd be high when you moved in together. (Lovely)

- He'd be high when he proposes - and this is him saying when smoking a doobie:

«will you... hehehe... that camel has a hump... marry... it wasn't a camel... hehe… it was a cloud... me?… hehehe...»

- He'd be high at your wedding. (And I, thora-tiki, am declining the wedding invitation right here, right now,

I don't want any part of that fu*king pot wedding)

- He'd always be high the next day. (Nice)

- He'd find someone selling pot on your honeymoon,

even if you tried to make the honeymoon someplace where someone selling that sh*t are scarce. (Fabulous)

 

- He'd be high the night you two make...hehe... that lamp has a shade...hehe... love, and make a baby. (Even better)

 

- He will not NOT use pot for 9 months, to be supportive of you, since you have to be sober those months. (Yay)

- He will not be a good father, he will probably be high almost everyday,

and ask you to get that kid to shut up, when the little 3 month old is crying. (Awww)

- He will be out back getting high, or sit home smoking, when you need him the most. (Great)

- He will NOT be there for you. (What a catch!)

 

* Why do people think if they let go of their ex for a few months months or more,

they will never get them back, but in the next breath say that their ex loved them as much as they loved their ex?

 

If their ex loved them as much as they believed, then what's the worry, they will want you back again.

Using no contact to get your life back will not drive your ex away.

 

He knows that the pot always gives him the same result every time he smokes.

 

You, on the other hand, are more complex.

You are not the same everyday, and you talk back, something the pot does not do.

 

The pot will always win. He will always chose himself, the pot, what he wants, and maybe,

if you are lucky, you come as number four on his list.

(I think I was number 6 on old dildo face's list.)

 

It's all about him. He plays a victim... Wah. Wah. Wah.

Your fu*king ex needs to evolve (and man up) something fierce, he is selfish and a fu*king crybaby to boot.

Some questions to ask yourself: 


- Do you really want to be with this person? 


- What good does he offer you? 


- Why are you really with him? 


- What can you do to cope with his smoking pot and continue to live your own life?

- Are you prepared to do so?

You can not change him.

 

If you enter into a relationship hoping to change your partner, you will fail, I have made that mistake myself. Gaah!

 

It is not your job to change him.

 

Please, start no contact. TODAY!

 

This is not about him, this is about you taking back control, and getting your life back.

 

Cristy, I want to reach out, through the wires of Internet, and grab you, and shake you!

 

Wake the fu*k up!

 

What the other posters don't know, or get,

because they may not have been dating someone that has a drug/drinking problem, is:

 

Dating someone using drugs or abusing drugs,

is that to date them is not the same as to date someone commitment phobic, «normal» flaky guy.

 

My ex loved alcohol.

 

Your ex loves pot.

 

In your relationship there was three people:

you, him and pot.

 

This will never end in a good way unless you get that, and that he has to stop using drugs,

and he has to realise he has to stop using drugs, on his own, you can not tell him that.

 

So you can not use this, telling him to quit drugs, as a way of seeing him... again.

 

He knows how you feel about this.

 

After my ex broke up with me, I never said anything to him about:

«If you stop drinking and start rehab and therapy then I will get in touch».

 

Even when he wrote me, after two months of no contact,

«I don't know what to do to».

Because I knew he knew how I felt about the alcohol.

 

Kick the pot smoking douche bag off the pedestal you put him on,

and place yourself there instead.

 

You need to think about yourself first, then your ex.

Like on planes, they tell us to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on others.

 

You need to put yourself first. Since I believe you put your all in this relationship,

and kept nothing for yourself, he on the other hand, gave 35% and kept the rest for himself.

 

This is why he didn't feel he lost himself in the relationship, and can now act cool and wishy-washy,

he also had/has his fu*king «medicine» to keep him from ever really get attached to you or your old failed relationship.

 

You need time to heal, and get stronger - on the inside.

 

About waiting:

If you feel you are «waiting», that just means you are looking too far ahead.

This will ruin your personal evolution.

What do you think your ex/other guys finds more desirable?

A weepy woman waiting on her ex to come back,

or someone that other guys find attractive?

 

To me, yes, you are someone waiting.

So here are tips to what not to do/do during no contact:

 

- Sit there counting off 30 days and expecting your ex to come back like magic.

- Find any reason

(no matter how lame, like kissing and talking about your feelings like you just did when you were there to sort out unfinished business - yes hot)

to break no contact

and contact your ex out of fear they won’t remember you after 30 plus days of no contact.

- There is much work to be done during no contact and the faster you stop working against the break up

and start working with the right tools, the faster you'll be ready for reconnection, make sense?

- During your time alone you will make a list of the pros and the cons of your relationship to figure out

if you even want your ex back.

Once you calm down and start thinking you might realise it was a bad match after all,

or you will see that it was a great match, but there were some issues.

- List these issues as something to work on when you get back together with your ex later on.

- You also need to examine your past relationship to see where it started to fall apart,

every clue you uncover will give you a better chance at getting your ex and keeping your ex.

- The bottom line is, no contact is not a 30-90 day thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down,

and evaluate your emotional state,

work on the past problems, and plan for the future - with or without your ex.

- How will you know you are ready to meet?:

When you call and ask them out to a short meeting (coffee) and if they say «no»,

you can calmly accept that without panicking, there are more chances to do this later on, right?

- The fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the «just friends zone», is to properly use the no contact, and stick to it.

To me it seems like everything should be on his terms, when to meet, break up, throw up, hah, etc.

 

If you break up again, he'll know that you'll come crawling back, when he says:

Let's sort out this bill or this unfinished business, etc., like you did this time.

Maybe this was what he did last time as well?

He attempted to murder your heart, and then he swoops back into your life as if nothing has happened,

and even gets a kiss, but doesn't have to apologise or nothing.

 

This is the time for all or nothing.

 

I am officially printing this and stucking it to my wall.

So.. here's the update. I tell you, it ain't pretty and I am NOT proud of myself, I'd just rather make up a beautiful story about how strong and determined I was... But you know what? I hope what I'm going to tell helps people on this forum to NOT. MAKE. THE. SAME. MISTAKE. I. DID.

 

He called on Sunday. Just after two days since the akward kiss we shared. Wanted to meet for drinks. I thought, well, it could be a chance to set the spark back on, so I said yes.

 

Wrong. Omg, I can't stress this enough. WRONG.

 

He was lovely, romantic, a complete and amazing gentleman. Everything I've ever wanted him to be. He was what he was like at first, when we first met. Met at his place, had a glass of wine, two, three... He took me out to dinner, said it was on him. We laughed, we had so much fun. Went back to his place (after some more glasses of wine, btw) and I just... couldn't. I was WEAK, he knew exactly what he had to say to make me fall for it and I did.

"I missed you. I love you... too much. I cried the whole night when we broke up. I know we can work things out, we just need time and will to work on it..." and SO ON. He even suggested a mini trip together next weekend.

 

Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?

 

WRONG. WRONG!!!!

 

Listen to me, everybody on this forum, listen to ME right NOW.

If you've been in NC, and your ex pulls THIS kind of CRAP, it's a JOKE. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Please!!!

If you're still thinking "omg what is she bitching about, she had a great time", KEEP READING:

 

The morning after, I woke up in his place. I had to go to class, so I left. He'd asked the night before to meet again later that day, so when my class was finished, I told him so. He said he couldn't and he said how about tuesday? I said fine.

 

AND HELLO, SURPRISE!! Well, surprise for no one but me, really. Certainly not a surprise for thora-tiki when she reads this (I just hope you don't get an urge to slap me. I know I want to slap myself, if that helps!)

 

We meet today, right? Everything SUPPOSEDLY ok. Somewhere along the conversation, he says "oh, we should talk about last Sunday".

 

And here it goes people:

"I was feeling so alone... and the wine... everything I said was out of insecurity because I feel like I'm never going to find someone else. I don't love you... but wait, I do love you, I just don't wanna be with you right now. I'm afraid to go back to where we ended things and I don't wanna be unhappy again."

 

Long story short: HERE I AM, 2.30 in the morning, feeling like TOTAL CRAP because I've just been PLAYED again. And willingly and blindly went for it, like I'm retarded or something.

 

PLEASE, don't let this happen to YOU. This was a HUGE setback for me, I feel like SH*T and it's all because I let my F*CKING emotions take the best of me. I wanted it SO badly (not the s*x, obviously, I've been getting plenty of that since we broke up) that I just DIDN'T WANT TO see that this was a HUGE mistake.

 

If they pull this kind of crap: DON'T FALL FOR IT. I beg you. If I feel like I helped someone prevent this from happening to them, it might just be worth the pain.

 

It just sets you back. BIG TIME. You go back to the same self-loathing, crying mess you were when they first broke up with you!! SO NOT WORTH IT.

 

Bring it on, people. I'm ready for the bashing now. I'm taking willingly all the "I told you so" posts. Whatever. I'm sort of numb anyway and, after all, I just proved myself I so sorely need it.

[BC1980]

I am officially printing this and stucking it to my wall.

So.. here's the update. I tell you, it ain't pretty and I am NOT proud of myself, I'd just rather make up a beautiful story about how strong and determined I was... But you know what? I hope what I'm going to tell helps people on this forum to NOT. MAKE. THE. SAME. MISTAKE. I. DID.

 

He called on Sunday. Just after two days since the akward kiss we shared. Wanted to meet for drinks. I thought, well, it could be a chance to set the spark back on, so I said yes.

 

Wrong. Omg, I can't stress this enough. WRONG.

 

He was lovely, romantic, a complete and amazing gentleman. Everything I've ever wanted him to be. He was what he was like at first, when we first met. Met at his place, had a glass of wine, two, three... He took me out to dinner, said it was on him. We laughed, we had so much fun. Went back to his place (after some more glasses of wine, btw) and I just... couldn't. I was WEAK, he knew exactly what he had to say to make me fall for it and I did.

"I missed you. I love you... too much. I cried the whole night when we broke up. I know we can work things out, we just need time and will to work on it..." and SO ON. He even suggested a mini trip together next weekend.

 

Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?

 

WRONG. WRONG!!!!

 

Listen to me, everybody on this forum, listen to ME right NOW.

If you've been in NC, and your ex pulls THIS kind of CRAP, it's a JOKE. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Please!!!

If you're still thinking "omg what is she bitching about, she had a great time", KEEP READING:

 

The morning after, I woke up in his place. I had to go to class, so I left. He'd asked the night before to meet again later that day, so when my class was finished, I told him so. He said he couldn't and he said how about tuesday? I said fine.

 

AND HELLO, SURPRISE!! Well, surprise for no one but me, really. Certainly not a surprise for thora-tiki when she reads this (I just hope you don't get an urge to slap me. I know I want to slap myself, if that helps!)

 

We meet today, right? Everything SUPPOSEDLY ok. Somewhere along the conversation, he says "oh, we should talk about last Sunday".

 

And here it goes people:

"I was feeling so alone... and the wine... everything I said was out of insecurity because I feel like I'm never going to find someone else. I don't love you... but wait, I do love you, I just don't wanna be with you right now. I'm afraid to go back to where we ended things and I don't wanna be unhappy again."

 

Long story short: HERE I AM, 2.30 in the morning, feeling like TOTAL CRAP because I've just been PLAYED again. And willingly and blindly went for it, like I'm retarded or something.

 

PLEASE, don't let this happen to YOU. This was a HUGE setback for me, I feel like SH*T and it's all because I let my F*CKING emotions take the best of me. I wanted it SO badly (not the s*x, obviously, I've been getting plenty of that since we broke up) that I just DIDN'T WANT TO see that this was a HUGE mistake.

 

If they pull this kind of crap: DON'T FALL FOR IT. I beg you. If I feel like I helped someone prevent this from happening to them, it might just be worth the pain.

 

It just sets you back. BIG TIME. You go back to the same self-loathing, crying mess you were when they first broke up with you!! SO NOT WORTH IT.

 

Bring it on, people. I'm ready for the bashing now. I'm taking willingly all the "I told you so" posts. Whatever. I'm sort of numb anyway and, after all, I just proved myself I so sorely need it.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I probably would have fallen for the same thing before I knew better.

 

What happened to you is a good example of why you should make someone earn their way back to see if they are sincere. There are so many things I wish I had known at the time of my breakup.

[Mariposa10]

And this is why you leave confused people alone. There are a couple of threads here in this section with people experiencing the same thing and still sticking around, even knowing their exes are with someone else. I'm glad you finally understood you needed to get some distance from him. Do not be surprised if he reaches out to you again. Please be prepared for that.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Mariposa10

[aybc123]

I am officially printing this and stucking it to my wall.

So.. here's the update. I tell you, it ain't pretty and I am NOT proud of myself, I'd just rather make up a beautiful story about how strong and determined I was... But you know what? I hope what I'm going to tell helps people on this forum to NOT. MAKE. THE. SAME. MISTAKE. I. DID.

 

He called on Sunday. Just after two days since the akward kiss we shared. Wanted to meet for drinks. I thought, well, it could be a chance to set the spark back on, so I said yes.

 

Wrong. Omg, I can't stress this enough. WRONG.

 

He was lovely, romantic, a complete and amazing gentleman. Everything I've ever wanted him to be. He was what he was like at first, when we first met. Met at his place, had a glass of wine, two, three... He took me out to dinner, said it was on him. We laughed, we had so much fun. Went back to his place (after some more glasses of wine, btw) and I just... couldn't. I was WEAK, he knew exactly what he had to say to make me fall for it and I did.

"I missed you. I love you... too much. I cried the whole night when we broke up. I know we can work things out, we just need time and will to work on it..." and SO ON. He even suggested a mini trip together next weekend.

 

Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?

 

WRONG. WRONG!!!!

 

Listen to me, everybody on this forum, listen to ME right NOW.

If you've been in NC, and your ex pulls THIS kind of CRAP, it's a JOKE. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Please!!!

If you're still thinking "omg what is she bitching about, she had a great time", KEEP READING:

 

The morning after, I woke up in his place. I had to go to class, so I left. He'd asked the night before to meet again later that day, so when my class was finished, I told him so. He said he couldn't and he said how about tuesday? I said fine.

 

AND HELLO, SURPRISE!! Well, surprise for no one but me, really. Certainly not a surprise for thora-tiki when she reads this (I just hope you don't get an urge to slap me. I know I want to slap myself, if that helps!)

 

We meet today, right? Everything SUPPOSEDLY ok. Somewhere along the conversation, he says "oh, we should talk about last Sunday".

 

And here it goes people:

"I was feeling so alone... and the wine... everything I said was out of insecurity because I feel like I'm never going to find someone else. I don't love you... but wait, I do love you, I just don't wanna be with you right now. I'm afraid to go back to where we ended things and I don't wanna be unhappy again."

 

Long story short: HERE I AM, 2.30 in the morning, feeling like TOTAL CRAP because I've just been PLAYED again. And willingly and blindly went for it, like I'm retarded or something.

 

PLEASE, don't let this happen to YOU. This was a HUGE setback for me, I feel like SH*T and it's all because I let my F*CKING emotions take the best of me. I wanted it SO badly (not the s*x, obviously, I've been getting plenty of that since we broke up) that I just DIDN'T WANT TO see that this was a HUGE mistake.

 

If they pull this kind of crap: DON'T FALL FOR IT. I beg you. If I feel like I helped someone prevent this from happening to them, it might just be worth the pain.

 

It just sets you back. BIG TIME. You go back to the same self-loathing, crying mess you were when they first broke up with you!! SO NOT WORTH IT.

 

Bring it on, people. I'm ready for the bashing now. I'm taking willingly all the "I told you so" posts. Whatever. I'm sort of numb anyway and, after all, I just proved myself I so sorely need it.

 

I think anybody would've fallen for this i know it probably hurts like hell but there's really no way you could've seen that coming i dont think without having experienced something like it before. So dont beat yourself up about it.

[cristy]

And this is why you leave confused people alone. There are a couple of threads here in this section with people experiencing the same thing and still sticking around, even knowing their exes are with someone else. I'm glad you finally understood you needed to get some distance from him. Do not be surprised if he reaches out to you again. Please be prepared for that.

 

We went NC for good this time. Actually after talking about it we both agreed it was for the best.

My God the things I do when I don't control my emotions.. I'm not even thinking about him right now. I genuenely wanna go full NC for me, to get a grip and my life back..

[Mariposa10]

We went NC for good this time. Actually after talking about it we both agreed it was for the best.

My God the things I do when I don't control my emotions.. I'm not even thinking about him right now. I genuenely wanna go full NC for me, to get a grip and my life back..

 

Sometimes we need that final nail in the coffin, if you ever feel like contacting him soon, re-read this thread.

 

He already knows how you feel, so no need to keep repeating it.

 

We're all here for you! We're all in the same boat!!