Ending Toxic Friendship.

[Nyla]

I recently decided to end a toxic seven year friendship. Since my bestie and I were codependent, it feels like a limb has been cut off. I know that I need to move on though.

 

We met seven years ago at work. For years, I have watched my bestie make very bad decisions and I was there to support her each time. She keeps choosing awful men and now she has two kids for a deadbeat who doesn't look after his kids. It was frustrating and painful to watch somebody I love keep putting herself in bad situations.

 

I am weary of giving her solicited advice, watching her ignore it and then listening to her bawl about her messes. I have given this person money, time and support. I was the first one at the hospital when her preemie baby was born and I bought the child's first clothes. I sat with her for HOURS in the hospital, when she was bleeding during that same pregnancy. I fed her when she was starving and I listened to her weep constantly when her children's father left, even though I wanted to tell this woman that it was her own stupid fault. Recently, this fool bought a car and then had the nerve to ask me for money for groceries. I didn't give it to her.

 

She did not care when I was hit by a car and broke my hand. She also was indifferent when I recently had a tumor removed from my liver. Friendship is about give and take; I tend to attract people who take advantage of how kind I am. That is what is happening with this person. I need to be more careful about who I am good to. I think that most people are selfish.

 

I know this will sound terrible, but I am a far better person than she is. My ex bestie is ghetto trash. She sits on welfare and pops out kids with a loser. She also only likes to date worthless men who do not work and couch surf. I would never sit on the public purse and have kids. The kind of men my ex bestie loves could not even hold my hand when I was single. Now she is dating a guy who works full time, has a car and house yet sells drugs. I am DONE.

 

I have other friends who work, use birth control and do not date or marry losers. Those are the kind of people I need around me; positive and intelligent women who behave like rational adults.

[Silly_Girl]

Nyla, that's a tough one. I have 'let go' 2 friendships this year. I wouldn't say they were toxic, but they were unequal, and difficult and as a result I found maintaining them tiring and hurtful. Both girls have the same name.

 

Oddly, friend A has bounced right back. My stepping away has instigated a change in her attitude and I am so happy for that. Friend B - we are so different now where once we were like peas in a pod. Our lives had some parallels where now they have none.

 

What I don't see here is where you guys had parallels... what kept you close? What did you love about her? Or why did you need her?

 

I am too soft in these scenarios. Friend B has been letting me down since I was 16. I loved her very much. I miss her a lot. But there is no room for someone who does not show me love and care. Having her in my life is a worry for me, a grey cloud, and it has large ups and downs. I eliminated those things from my love life, so I'm definitely not going to tolerate it in my friendships!

 

I don't see that you have any choice but to back off from this friend. It seems she doesn't want your help and is going to hurt you more, and you deserve better. You are a good friend and have every right to expect that back. It's so hard though

[Nyla]

Nyla, that's a tough one. I have 'let go' 2 friendships this year. I wouldn't say they were toxic, but they were unequal, and difficult and as a result I found maintaining them tiring and hurtful. Both girls have the same name.

 

Oddly, friend A has bounced right back. My stepping away has instigated a change in her attitude and I am so happy for that. Friend B - we are so different now where once we were like peas in a pod. Our lives had some parallels where now they have none.

 

What I don't see here is where you guys had parallels... what kept you close? What did you love about her? Or why did you need her?

 

I am too soft in these scenarios. Friend B has been letting me down since I was 16. I loved her very much. I miss her a lot. But there is no room for someone who does not show me love and care. Having her in my life is a worry for me, a grey cloud, and it has large ups and downs. I eliminated those things from my love life, so I'm definitely not going to tolerate it in my friendships!

 

I don't see that you have any choice but to back off from this friend. It seems she doesn't want your help and is going to hurt you more, and you deserve better. You are a good friend and have every right to expect that back. It's so hard though

 

I still love my friend even though I can't be in her life any longer. I loved the way she didn't judge me for certain things. I also loved our years of friendship and the fact that she watched me fall in love an marry my husband. I also think that helping her with her problems helped me not to focus on my own, which is not healthy. We came from the same cultural background even if our social class is different.

 

I tend to attract users and jealous women. Maybe it is because my mom was the first "mean girl" in my life. It is also because users see that I am a kind person and take advantage. I really need to be more careful and less compassionate.

[Arabella]

Reading your post, I honestly wonder how this friendship ever made it to "best friend" status, or last this long.

 

Seven years is a long time. Sometimes, over the course of such a friendship, people mature and change in different ways and might drift apart as a result.

 

It sounds like her choices have landed her in a tough spot, while you've made better choices for yourself. A lot of people will tell you that real friends will be there for you to matter what. But the reality is that it's difficult to be close friends for someone who constantly makes you shake your head in disapproval.

 

Inequality seems to be a prominent theme in your friendship. You're better off financially, you have a happy marriage, and you care more than she does. If you're anything like me, you're perpetually going to be trying to give her advice so she can "fix" her life, but this will not work. She's dug that hole for herself, and only she can get herself out. She will eventually resent you (and come across as uncaring), and you will resent that she chooses to have a crappy life.

 

It doesn't sound like you need advice, just encouragement. You already know this friendship isn't working for you. I would suggest that you simply let this one go. Don't have some big talk about it... just let it drift away. If she truly cares about your friendship, she will notice your absence and make amends. But in the meantime, ask yourself... even if she became a better friend to you, do you feel like she brings value to your life?

 

Go ahead and try to cultivate friendships with women who are more like yourself. I reckon you will find them far more rewarding and easier to get along with, and you will eventually wonder why you wasted so much time in such a dysfunctional friendship.

 

-A

[Nyla]

I already wonder why I wasted all this time. I guess I really believed that my friend would make better choices eventually. Sadly, she is too ignorant and foolish to do so.

 

I am tired of caring a lot more for friends who really don't give two phuks. For example, I have a long time friend who rarely returns my calls. We talk on Facebook, but I have learned to simply stop calling her. It is less frustrating and hurtful that way. I know she loves me to death; this is just the way she is. She cared about my hand injury and my liver tumor.

 

My ex bestie uses her two toddlers as an excuse to be selfish. I don't expect to see her or speak to her every day, but she can at least come visit after I have an operation! I know I am not being unreasonable. She tried to call me but I never pick up anymore.

 

Everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to learn when to walk away from a toxic friend as well as the importance of not giving too much to the wrong people. I am loyal to a fault and everyone in my life told me that this woman is bad news. I knew it for years; I just didn't want to face up to the truth.

 

I wish my ex bestie and her children the best of luck. Those poor kids will need it with such a foolish and neglectful mother. I hope she finds a career in order to give her kids a good life and stops dating drug dealers.

[Arabella]

I am tired of caring a lot more for friends who really don't give two phuks. For example, I have a long time friend who rarely returns my calls. We talk on Facebook, but I have learned to simply stop calling her. It is less frustrating and hurtful that way. I know she loves me to death; this is just the way she is. She cared about my hand injury and my liver tumor.

 

How DO you know she cares about you? Aside from talking on Facebook, does she ever take initiative to spend time with you?

 

Personally, I'm a big fan of 'actions speak louder than words'...

 

My ex bestie uses her two toddlers as an excuse to be selfish. I don't expect to see her or speak to her every day, but she can at least come visit after I have an operation! I know I am not being unreasonable. She tried to call me but I never pick up anymore.

 

It sounds like she just wants the friendship on her terms. Meaning, she'll expect you to be there for her when she needs you, but every other time she will just be "too busy" raising her children and try to make you sound like the bad guy for expecting her to care about you.

 

Everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to learn when to walk away from a toxic friend as well as the importance of not giving too much to the wrong people. I am loyal to a fault and everyone in my life told me that this woman is bad news. I knew it for years; I just didn't want to face up to the truth.

 

Your friendship with this gal reminds me of my ex-H. We started out as friends before we got together. I was 18 at the time, and he was 24. For some stupid reason we became involved, got married, and the whole thing went south in a few years. I left him when I was 25 because, among many other reasons, he seemed to have no interest in becoming a better person. But it wasn't a bitter end, and a couple of years later, we tried to rekindle our friendship.

 

Needless to say that didn't work. In our time apart I'd become a fairly successful individual again (after I'd murdered my fledgling career in my home country to come be with him in the US) and he was in exactly the same place he was at when I met him. He had made no progress at all. He kept making stupid choices. I just couldn't stand it and had to end the friendship. He just brought no value to my life as a friend, and we had nothing in common anymore. We keep in touch a couple times a month via text, but that's about it.

 

Sometimes, people just grow out of each other. Like a pair of shoes that doesn't fit anymore, it's best to stop trying to squeeze yourself into them and buy a new, more comfortable pair.

 

I wish my ex bestie and her children the best of luck. Those poor kids will need it with such a foolish and neglectful mother. I hope she finds a career in order to give her kids a good life and stops dating drug dealers.

 

You never know... just like you grew apart, you could grow together again. If she decides to get herself together, she will come to miss your insight and may try seek you out again.

 

-A

Edited October 30, 2013 by Arabella

[Nyla]

How DO you know she cares about you? Aside from talking on Facebook, does she ever take initiative to spend time with you?

 

Personally, I'm a big fan of 'actions speak louder than words'...

 

 

 

It sounds like she just wants the friendship on her terms. Meaning, she'll expect you to be there for her when she needs you, but every other time she will just be "too busy" raising her children and try to make you sound like the bad guy for expecting her to care about you.

 

 

 

Your friendship with this gal reminds me of my ex-H. We started out as friends before we got together. I was 18 at the time, and he was 24. For some stupid reason we became involved, got married, and the whole thing went south in a few years. I left him when I was 25 because, among many other reasons, he seemed to have no interest in becoming a better person. But it wasn't a bitter end, and a couple of years later, we tried to rekindle our friendship.

 

Needless to say that didn't work. In our time apart I'd become a fairly successful individual again (after I'd murdered my fledgling career in my home country to come be with him in the US) and he was in exactly the same place he was at when I met him. He had made no progress at all. He kept making stupid choices. I just couldn't stand it and had to end the friendship. He just brought no value to my life as a friend, and we had nothing in common anymore. We keep in touch a couple times a month via text, but that's about it.

 

Sometimes, people just grow out of each other. Like a pair of shoes that doesn't fit anymore, it's best to stop trying to squeeze yourself into them and buy a new, more comfortable pair.

 

 

 

You never know... just like you grew apart, you could grow together again. If she decides to get herself together, she will come to miss your insight and may try seek you out again.

 

-A

 

The friend on Facebook used to take initiative to spend time with me but she does not now. When we speak on FB, she always asks about my life and when I was injured, she was very caring.

 

I have broken up with my bestie before. I want this to be our last breakup. I don't see her changing as it has been nearly seven years of her stupid choices. She doesn't appear to learn from her mistakes. I am very tired of the drama and selfishness.

[Charlie Harper]

 

I know this will sound terrible, but I am a far better person than she is.

 

You are a better person, but you are not buying it, You may say so but if you did not act over it on 6 plus years, then you are digging yourself into a hole.

 

The problem is that you choose to help this person and trough tick and thin you stood there like a warrior an you did not receive what you needed.

 

Its your fault

 

I am DONE.

I really hope you are hearing yourself and do it, it difficult, but you know the alternative.

 

I have other friends who work, use birth control and do not date or marry losers. Those are the kind of people I need around me; positive and intelligent women who behave like rational adults.

 

Amen to this, do it, value yourself and be positive, you may end up lonely and alone for some time, but keep omproving and you wil see a change, its just like some very obese person who want to get into shae in a month ITS IMPOSIBLE, it takes effort, courage and patience....

 

Ill tell ya a little story: One of my closest friends was super nice to me and we had incredible chemistry, by some weird twist of fate we never were a couple although we had a very deep relationship and it onvolved sex occasionally, she was very destructive, but I grew tired of her destructive behaviour, soI stopped seeing her, fast forward 15 years, I bump into her and she is divorced from a men who beat her and sent her to the hospital twice, ad substance abuse, lost her job and had an adopted kid, she has struggled for 5 years and now she is in better shape than before and we hang out ocasionally an I am happy for her.... to this day I still dont know why I put up with so many of her weird stuff in first place but I guess I was way too insecure and needed her in some sick way.

 

Work, grow and let go, toxic people only feed on you energy, and life.

[d0nnivain]

Nyla -- I too am in the midst of detangling myself from a toxic friendship. If there was no explosion -- no big I never want to see you again -- just let it go gradually. Stop calling her or initiating any kind of contact. That can be hard & that's the part that feel like a limb is missing as you said because for 7 years she was your go-to friend & now she's not there any more but as you are aware, you have to get this poison out of your life. If she contacts you be polite but brief, be busy a lot when she wants you to do things. Eventually she'l just fade away.

[Nyla]

 

 

 

You are a better person, but you are not buying it, You may say so but if you did not act over it on 6 plus years, then you are digging yourself into a hole.

 

The problem is that you choose to help this person and trough tick and thin you stood there like a warrior an you did not receive what you needed.

 

Its your fault

 

I really hope you are hearing yourself and do it, it difficult, but you know the alternative.

 

 

 

Amen to this, do it, value yourself and be positive, you may end up lonely and alone for some time, but keep omproving and you wil see a change, its just like some very obese person who want to get into shae in a month ITS IMPOSIBLE, it takes effort, courage and patience....

 

Ill tell ya a little story: One of my closest friends was super nice to me and we had incredible chemistry, by some weird twist of fate we never were a couple although we had a very deep relationship and it onvolved sex occasionally, she was very destructive, but I grew tired of her destructive behaviour, soI stopped seeing her, fast forward 15 years, I bump into her and she is divorced from a men who beat her and sent her to the hospital twice, ad substance abuse, lost her job and had an adopted kid, she has struggled for 5 years and now she is in better shape than before and we hang out ocasionally an I am happy for her.... to this day I still dont know why I put up with so many of her weird stuff in first place but I guess I was way too insecure and needed her in some sick way.

 

Work, grow and let go, toxic people only feed on you energy, and life.

 

I read somewhere that people associate themselves with whomever they think they deserve to be associated with. I was attracted to how friendly and loving my bestie was when we met. She isn't a bad person; she just allows her abandonment issues to lead her life. There are parts of me that are equally damaged; I have just tried much harder to work on them and make better decisions.

 

It is very difficult. I miss our good times and the way I could share anything without her judging me for it. I just can't allow myself to be used anymore. People who love me have told me that my ex bestie is bad news. I know she is; I just wanted to believe that she would change eventually. I also know the pain of being cut off by friends in the past and I didn't want to do the same to someone else.

 

If she calls again, I won't be answering the phone. I have taken her off Facebook and blocked her. I also put her number on the reject list.

[mea_M]

You're friend sounds completely self absorbed and in denial. Not caring that you were hit by a car? That's not right at all. Sounds like it was more of a one way street type of friendship. I understand you're thoughts and position. It's probably in you're best interest to move away from this toxic relationship. At least until she can own up to her end of the friendship. But it sounds as if she has a couple good size personal issues to clean up before she can be a healthy friend. Sorry you're in this position. Been there.

 

Mea:)

[Nyla]

She will never again find a friend like me.

 

None of her other friends help her as much as I do or listen to her complain to the extent that I have. It is her loss.

 

I feel grief and sadness but I know I made the right choice. I am not an idiot who keeps making the same mistakes, so what the hell do I need people like that in my life for?

 

I am getting better at setting boundaries with friends. In the past, I would keep hanging around women who were negative and rude because I hoped it would get better. Now I get rid of them quickly.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Nyla

[mortensorchid]

I was where you were a few years ago. I ended two childhood relationships that were toxic friendships. Both of them were miserable, vain shrews who used and abused people all around them, myself included. There is a part of you that says "I should hold onto this person because they are part of the past and because we went through our childhoods together, etc." And yet I did and do not seem to tolerate verbal or emotional abuse from others in the same way as you did them.

 

It's been nearly 15-20 years since those two and I fell out (separately), and life is good if not better. At first it felt like I had lost a part of my body or something, but I got over it. In fact, I saw that as loosing the very last of my childhood awkwardness and now free to truly become an adult. It was painful, but it was like breaking an addiction, because I realize it was an addiction. Now life is better without them. You will feel the same way over time.

[Nyla]

I was where you were a few years ago. I ended two childhood relationships that were toxic friendships. Both of them were miserable, vain shrews who used and abused people all around them, myself included. There is a part of you that says "I should hold onto this person because they are part of the past and because we went through our childhoods together, etc." And yet I did and do not seem to tolerate verbal or emotional abuse from others in the same way as you did them.

 

It's been nearly 15-20 years since those two and I fell out (separately), and life is good if not better. At first it felt like I had lost a part of my body or something, but I got over it. In fact, I saw that as loosing the very last of my childhood awkwardness and now free to truly become an adult. It was painful, but it was like breaking an addiction, because I realize it was an addiction. Now life is better without them. You will feel the same way over time.

 

The bolded part resonated with me. I felt like I had to stay friends with my ex bestie because of how long we had been friends, as well as being present for big moments in each of our lives.

 

My life feels peaceful yet sad right now. I know it will pass. I feel excited to focus on healthier friendships. I am glad that I have the confidence to walk away from toxic friendships. I need to do something about why I attract users and mean women all the time.

[mortensorchid]

I hate to say this as well, but would you ever hear a man talk about another man friend like this? Honestly, you wouldn't. This is something I have noticed which seems to go on between women/women friends. Is it a "girl thing"? Maybe it is. But that is terrible when someone will not call you even when one or both of you is in dire need (your surgery story). Leave the woman you're talking about be, you'll be happier.

[Nyla]

I hate to say this as well, but would you ever hear a man talk about another man friend like this? Honestly, you wouldn't. This is something I have noticed which seems to go on between women/women friends. Is it a "girl thing"? Maybe it is. But that is terrible when someone will not call you even when one or both of you is in dire need (your surgery story). Leave the woman you're talking about be, you'll be happier.

 

I have found that women are much harder to get along with than men. In my experience, women are generally catty, selfish and jealous.

 

Though I miss my friend, I am much happier without her.

 

I don't appreciate being used and I am tired of watching her make the same stupid choices repeatedly.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Nyla