loosingme31 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I work with a highly funtional autistic boy which led me into research and Now it all makes sense. The inability to connect emotionally, his misunderstanding of every thing I say. His need for order and control, his weird head movement, his obsession with guns and machinery. His irritability when plans change. His rigidity. His limited conversation skills. His lack of friends.the lack of eye contact during sex. Him never understanding that he hurt me. His inability to say sorry. I asked him indirectly, and he said all he knows is computers and doesn't understand most human interaction. He says he doesn't understand why human conversations can't be like working with a computer We got in an argument and I told him I think he has aspergers and he denied it and now says he is scared I will try to have him committed and he would lose his job. I told him I wouldn't do that and that you can't be commited for a developmental problem. I now realize that his father and sister both have traits of aspergers Jesus, what have I gotten myself into. I cannot marry this man and spend a lifetime of never connecting emotionally or getting any of my needs met. Help!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 I cannot marry this man and spend a lifetime of never connecting emotionally or getting any of my needs met. Help!!!!!! Break up with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 He's one problem, bearing a child with the diagnosis / very stressful. Marriage failure rate w diagnosed child is huge. Early interventions are often successful but I'd agree, end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 I love him but you guys are so right. Sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 If he didn't have developmental issues we could go to counseling and work on it, but since he does counseling will not help because he will have aspergers forever. Link to post Share on other sites
TylerDurdenn Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 Do not break up with this guy yet. He has issues, work with him and you'll be a better couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I am almost 100 percent sure he has aspergers. I have work with individuals with mental and developmental issues for years. When I met him he didn't seem odd but as time went on I saw a lot of quirks. When I moved in with him his true self came out because he could no longer hide it. My fiancé fits all the traits of Aspergers, the Monotone voice, wearing the same kind of clothes everyday, eating the same kinds of food everyday. Anxiety when there is a change in routine, not understanding sarcasm believes in and obsess about conspiracy theory. No emotions when I cry not to mention his admission that he only knows computers and has a hard time with human emotions and interaction. I am pushing him to go to the doctor to get an official diagnosis. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 If he's not willing to get help for it, you can't make him. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You should never feel bad that you are leaving someone that doesn't make you happy. Remember, you aren't married to him, there were never any vows exchanged. You didn't make that final plunge. Look, I did something similar with an ex-girlfriend. She had depression. She would take anti-depressants daily. I have issues with mind control drugs, even the prescription type, so I would see days when she was artificially happy and then days when she was just tired, for no reason. You couldn't go out, couldn't take her to visit your family because she was always tired, always insecure. Then when things started going wrong she threatened suicide. Took the knife to her hands more than once. I couldn't handle a lifetime of that. A lifetime of isolating family and friends, of having a partner insecure about every decision you make, etc. I left her, and never looked back and I am married to the polar opposite kind of woman now. I also have a friend whose marriage ended after not even a few years. No kids, thank God, but while he isn't autistic he clearly has ADD. Not that you can't be a succesful person with ADD, but his wife would complain that they never talked, or watched movies together or that he ever did anything that she wanted to do. It was true. My friend is one of the funnest guys you can ever hang out with, but he makes a terrible husband. He just isn't husband material. So that's a decision you have to make here. I am almost certain that Sheldon from the show "Big Bang Theory" has aspergers. They just don't say it on the show of course, but a guy like that would drive me crazy. Let alone 50 years of it. Don't make a mistake with this guy if you are having these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Thank you clockwork. Sheldon is definitely a aspie for sure. My fiance does try but it seems so artificial like he is trying to be neurotypical. He put on a good front to seem normal.He is a good man but I need more. Thanks for all the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I am almost 100 percent sure he has aspergers. I have work with individuals with mental and developmental issues for years. When I met him he didn't seem odd but as time went on I saw a lot of quirks. When I moved in with him his true self came out because he could no longer hide it. My fiancé fits all the traits of Aspergers, the Monotone voice, wearing the same kind of clothes everyday, eating the same kinds of food everyday. Anxiety when there is a change in routine, not understanding sarcasm believes in and obsess about conspiracy theory. No emotions when I cry not to mention his admission that he only knows computers and has a hard time with human emotions and interaction. I am pushing him to go to the doctor to get an official diagnosis. Only doctors can make a true diagnosis. However, as someone who has worked with developmentally challenged teenagers, I agree that your fiancé has traits of Asperger's. My husband is an engineer. It doesn't help that he was raised by a mother who disliked him in a cold and unaffectionate home. I have been able to open my husband's heart and draw him out a little bit, but it took A LOT of patience on my part. He used to be extremely cold and aloof, along with having a talent for ruining special moments with stupid words. Sometimes I think he has Asperger's when I see how awkward and shy he is around new people. My husband is very brilliant but he is socially inept around people he doesn't know. I am an extrovert and my husband says he loves that about me. I get to see the romantic and passionate version if this quiet math whiz. If you really love your fiancé, you will try to work through this with him instead of just walking away. That is what true love is all about. Let him know that you will end the relationship if he refuses to seek help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Thanks Nyla, my fiance is a very smart man with a great job. He is very generous and treats my daughter well. Realizing that he could have aspergers makes things more clear but I am struggling with what to do. I do love him so i won't make any decisions right now. I am gonna revisit the issue later when we are both calm. You are awesome To love your man through thick and thin, that's what's love all about. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 It seems to me that in situations like these it all depends on how much effort BOTH partners are willing to make. You can only do so much if he's not motivated to change. =/ good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 He won't change because he is in denial. I have learned a valuable lesson never to jump into any relationship until you truly get to know someone because sometimes people move fast to hide what wrong with them and by the time you realize it you are already knee deep. God help me. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I am almost 100 percent sure he has aspergers. I have work with individuals with mental and developmental issues for years. When I met him he didn't seem odd but as time went on I saw a lot of quirks. When I moved in with him his true self came out because he could no longer hide it. My fiancé fits all the traits of Aspergers, the Monotone voice, wearing the same kind of clothes everyday, eating the same kinds of food everyday. Anxiety when there is a change in routine, not understanding sarcasm believes in and obsess about conspiracy theory. No emotions when I cry not to mention his admission that he only knows computers and has a hard time with human emotions and interaction. I am pushing him to go to the doctor to get an official diagnosis. does he have any scars and where are they....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 What do you mean scars? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 What do you mean scars? Not sure, I assumed she's referring to cutting. She'll be back to elaborate, I'm sure. OP, I recall your prior posts. Perhaps it did take moving in with him to realize the severity of the problem. How difficult is it going to be for you to get out? Please make the emotional health of both you and your daughter the first priority. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author loosingme31 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 He does have scars from accidents years ago but he is not a cutter. Like this morning we were talking in the car about our issues and he begins making fun of me because I stuttered a word. I told him that was hurtful and he says he is tired of being treated badly. I try to understand him but he is incapable of understanding anything about communication until he recognizes the issues and work on them. I couldn't make my lunch this morning because he stands in the middle of the kitchen and just stares at me trying to find what I will do wrong. I told him it makes me uncomfortable but he still does it. I took a day off work because I was super tired and he says I lied to him about having a good work ethic because I was home sleeping. I am so confused Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Loosingme, what is keeping you holding on to this guy and this abuse? Seriously - sit down and write down a list of pros and cons and decide why you think you should stay with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
hatsya Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 You can never have a truly fulfilling, real relationship with an aspie. I was best friends with one for almost 10 years and I finally realized it was a very unhealthy, unfulfilling friendship. I knew he had aspergers for years but I just put up with it. He had every single symptom. But he would deny it too, if I brought it up. Anyway, I'm only talking about friendship in my case but obviously if I can't have a close, healthy friendship with an aspie, you can't have a close, healthy MARRIAGE with one. That's supposed to go way deeper. They're just too afraid to connect with others. They're completely in their own heads and mostly self-focused. They do better focusing on what they're talented at and obsessively working on it alone in a basement. He would be better off marrying another aspie, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
ConstantVoyager Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 You can never have a truly fulfilling, real relationship with an aspie. I was best friends with one for almost 10 years and I finally realized it was a very unhealthy, unfulfilling friendship. I knew he had aspergers for years but I just put up with it. He had every single symptom. But he would deny it too, if I brought it up. Anyway, I'm only talking about friendship in my case but obviously if I can't have a close, healthy friendship with an aspie, you can't have a close, healthy MARRIAGE with one. That's supposed to go way deeper. They're just too afraid to connect with others. They're completely in their own heads and mostly self-focused. They do better focusing on what they're talented at and obsessively working on it alone in a basement. He would be better off marrying another aspie, honestly. That's just not true. You can have a deep fulfilling relationship with someone with Asperger's, but (like a lot of relationships) it takes work. A lot depends on how early they're diagnosed and what kind of support they get as children. As adults, I think relationship or marriage counseling would be important for both partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shimmychanga Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 You loved him, with all the same qualities, before you put this label on him. It sounds like the label of Asperger's is scaring you more than who he actually is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) I would get yourself checked out too OP. It is common for Aspies to seek out each other and form friendships/couples. Women tend to develop skills at masking many of the traits... but we are all somewhere on the spectrum. Personally I adore aspie males and especially females. Never a dull moment; great to work with, generally more physically attractive and they know their ****.. what's not to love? But I am easy to be around so it all works out. If you are grating, needy or want constant small talk, look elsewhere. Of course this male may just be an average bloke with poor social skills. I would hold fire until there is a diagnosis. Any decision about the relationship should be based on one thing only, do you genuinely love the guy? When that is real it is not uncommon for people to find ways to overcome challenges and find ways to have most of their needs met. If he gets on your nerves, leave the man to find love elsewhere. That is all there is to it methinks. Whatever happens don't get too cosy with the whole blaming/catastrophic thinking thing... Take care, Eve x Edited November 10, 2013 by Eve 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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