At a loss

[mandy]

I have been married for almost thirteen years, I have realize after counceling that I have never gotten what I needed in my marriage (always thought he would change), I knew it at times that I was settling for way less then anyone deserves , but with kids and house and just life it kinda just went by, now I am seperated (he was seeing someone) and I have told him I don't know if I want to be his wife anymore, because he had done alot of things that really destroyed me and my love for him,and I need proof that he won't treat me badly ever again before we can fix our marriage,he has not shown me proof he says he loves me and would do anything to fix it , but he has said it before ,so his words don't mean anything to me ,he has done the opposite , he is acting immature ,going out with new friends, not paying the bills on time, saying the desision is mine to make , and seems to think that a person can just wipe all the pain away like it was never felt, I still feel it all like it was yesterday , I trusted him to keep me safe and secure ,and whats worst he seems to be doing things to push me further away , do you think a divorce is what he really wants ,but is too cowardly to say it? I think what he really would like is me just to leave and he would be just fine with the house and kids . I feel like I have never been a realpart of his life Its like I am just here to clean and cook and raise the children , he never treated me special at all and thinks that I am being a bitch ,because I am not letting go of my pain and past ,A marriage is two people who share a life togeather , but we never had that it was him and the kids , and never about me ,like I'm not a valued person or something , I don't understand it. I am a very attractive , good hearted person.

 

He seems to want to punish me for his mistakes, he is the one who caused the pain ,why am I expected to fix it , he wants to have no conseuence to what he has done he just wants to do it and move on like it doesn't affect oneone.

 

I don't understand why he acts this way , Can anyone help me understand?

[Tony T]

There are just so many reasons why a man may act this way, there is no point in speculating. However, chances are excellent that he was raised in a family similar to the one he has created here, where there was little affection or interaction between his own parents.

 

The question now is when do you cut your loses and move on to something more fulfilling for yourself. It's hard to believe you've had this much patience. Hanging in their because of a committment is one thing...but to remain with someone as cold, distant, and uninterested as this guy is not something most people would do.

 

In leaving, be sure to look out for yourself. Get legal advice to be sure all of your rights are respected. Yes, there will be pain. But once you've gone through that, you will be able to find happiness in a relationship where you will get the things you need. Just pay lots of attention in your search and don't ignore warning signs.

 

Your marriage is pitiful and I'm so sorry you got stuck in it. Also, staying together for the sake of the children is really wrong. Those children can be destroyed by being around two people who interact as the two of you do...and the sins of the father (this marriage) will be passed on to further generations...who will replicate the same family system you have here.

 

I'm sure you don't want that for your children.

[Rachel]

I am sorry about your difficult situation.

 

However, it seems that you have put up with a lot for 13 years, and always wanted to do what "he" wanted.

 

What do you want? I think that is the real question. It really doesn't matter what he wants at this point. Its time to start thinking of your needs.

 

Only you can make you happy.

[Ed]

Probably the best thing you can do right now is continue your counseling. Also, see if you can find some other support group to help you through this time. From what you have described, it is going to be tough for a while.

 

It sounds like your husband is a very selfish person. He is thinking of no one but himself. He does not know the pain he feels, much less the pain he is causing to those around him. And he may never know. He apparently is blaming you for the state of the marriage. He probably has rationalized his affair as being your fault. He would prefer that you end the marriage, because then he can say that you wanted a divorce, absolving himself of guilt. He will probably lie to himself and others all the way through this.

 

No one can tell you what to do about your marriage. You will have to make that descision for yourself and your family.