Emotionally unavailable man broke up with me. I need to understand.

[Pumpkin4]

Hi everyone,

 

I welcome any advice and opinions from other with similar experiences, and hopefully other emotionally unavailable men themselves.

 

Relevant background info: 2 year relationship, both 29. For anyone familiar with the emotionally unavailable man, he treated me well, introduced me to friends and family, made me a part of his life, etc... all the while never wanting to talk about the relationship, commit further than boyfriend/girlfriend status, discuss our problems or admit his faults. It was always about him, never about me, what he wanted was #1 all the time. As long as his need were met and he controlled the relationship, he was content in our seemingly happy stalemate relationship he knew wouldn't go anywhere because of his issues.

 

He, at least knew he was emotionally unavailable and expressed that to me whenever I would ask him about opening up more. However, he had no desire to work on himself to change that. I stupidly, believe he would change - that's all on me.

 

The breakup: 5 days ago, over the telephone. I had become slightly distant the past 4 weeks, contemplating the relationship wondering if I should end it myself.

He was also not emotionally okay during that time, wrestling whatever demons he had in his head.

I expressed to him that I knew we'd never have an emotional connection because of the way he is, and that it hurt because it's the best part of a relationship for me. He agreed, and understood he was holding us back. He was genuinely apologetic in admitting it was a ****ty position for me to be in. I think this is the day it all changed for him. He had never once, before then put himself in my shoes.

 

That was 2 weeks ago. Things seemingly went back to normal after that. We booked a weekend vacation together a while ago that was a gift to me and cost a lot on his end. We took the vacation last weekend, made love, things seemed normal. Then 2 days later. Called and broke up with me.

Reasons include: no future due to him not being able to commit to more than a boyfriend status, him feeling I could do better and him not feeling the same way anymore. If I remember correctly. I was shaking as he spoke to me and don't really recall much. I kept asking him for reasons, he keep stuttering, saying he had no speech prepared and didn't know what to say.

 

I repeatedly told him he was a horrible person for leading me on all this time. I asked him how he'd be able to sleep at night, how he could do it over the phone, etc. General angry breakup reaction. He sounded horrible.

 

I sent him, an email a few hours later, telling him how much the breakup had opened up my eyes to the way he truly was. Not a scathing, swearing yelling email - more a reflective one, where I used words implied to make him think about who he was, and the life he's leading. No respinse, not that I expected one.

 

No contact on either end since. I've sent his friends and sister a "good luck\I'll miss you" parting message as they'll all always been good to me.

 

Besides that, nothing.

 

I'm struggling to make sense of this, which is why I'd like input from others. I know this was for the best, I'm just struggling to believe he'd be so selfless breaking up with me for my own good. Everything has always revolved around him. Why, in this instance did it once revolve around me and what I needed?

 

Thank you to all who comment.

This has devastated me, and I'd like to have some insight as to his frame of mind when he broke up with me, and right now. I'd like to know, if others think he'll contact me again one day so I can mentally prepare myself for dealing with it.

 

Thank you again, will all my heart.

[Assasda]

First of all from your post it seems like you smothering him with emotional questions that he just couldnt answer. Like you wanted something more from him that he just couldnt give.

 

I have no Idea what a happy stalemate relationship is. And I dont know why it would be an awful thing.

 

You did a good job to guilt trip him when he was breaking up with you, but the fact is you dont even know what you want. You dont even know if you want him to stay or to go..

 

Its like you were seeking some weird contentment that wasnt there. He did the right thing, in my opionion

[whichwayisup]

, I'm just struggling to believe he'd be so selfless breaking up with me for my own good. Everything has always revolved around him. Why, in this instance did it once revolve around me and what I needed?

 

He broke up with you because the 'fun and light' of the R was gone. Replaced were 'talks', which to most men, makes them shut down. They hate drama and having to deal with emotions and 'talking'/opening up.

 

Fact is, he had no speech ready, and didn't know what to say when he ended it so it's not like he did this to protect your heart or for your best interest. IF he wanted what was best for you, he would have ended it months ago.

 

When someone tells you who they are, believe them!

 

The red flags were there all along and you chose to ignore them.

 

I feel for you, a break up is not easy, especially with someone who is like how you described.

 

You are great, so do NOT let him or this break up ruin your self esteem or feel bad about you.

 

The guy doesn't want to be committed, he isn't long term material or future husband material.

 

HIS loss, really.

[Pumpkin4]

It's just odd. Because for 2 years, I didn't pressure him.

 

Even rereading our messages, I told him I know it's the way he is and I accepted it. I never told him to change.

 

I know I ignored the red flags. This isn't all on him, I should have listened to my gut.

 

I'm trying my best, but finding it extremely difficult. I'm actually thinking about getting counseling.

 

I don't have many friends, so there's no one really to talk to.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[FitChick]

He wants things his way. He was planning to dump you when he took you on an expensive vacation. He felt less guilty that way.

 

You might have a patten with men of this sort. Keep your eyes open next time and don't stay as long. After a year bail if he doesn't want more.

[Pumpkin4]

I agree. Strange however, as he made future plans during the vacation - I told him the next weekend I saw him I'd give him some money to pay for our hotel stay - he made sure to text me the exact amount of the bill, etc. Why the hell do that if you're not planning on seeing me again?

[salparadise]

As long as his need were met and he controlled the relationship, he was content in our seemingly happy stalemate relationship he knew wouldn't go anywhere because of his issues.

 

He, at least knew he was emotionally unavailable and expressed that to me whenever I would ask him about opening up more. However, he had no desire to work on himself to change that. I stupidly, believe he would change - that's all on me.

 

Hmmm, sounds a bit like men who attach to emotionally crippled women and dream that one they'll just show up having decided they'll be unBSC from now on. They say that primates emerged from the sea, so I guess anything is possible if you're willing to wait long enough. Maybe yours is the one in a million who sprouts legs and decides walk upright instead of swim.

 

I'm just struggling to believe he'd be so selfless breaking up with me for my own good. Everything has always revolved around him. Why, in this instance did it once revolve around me and what I needed?

 

It's not selflessness. It's fear. Fear is the core deficit of the emotionally unavailable. I wonder if there isn't more going on with him than being emotionally unavailable. You didn't say that much about his tendencies but chances are if he's really unable to attach and love like a healthy person, there are other issues. People build walls or defenses to protect themselves from experiencing fear, and one way for such a person to avoid the fear of getting dumped is to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. If you had been pushing for a breakthrough on the intimacy aspects and then started distancing, he was probably panicked. Dumping you assuaged the fear on both ends.

 

I know it's hard even if the relationship wasn't what you hoped it would be, but just try and look at this as an opportunity to find a relationship that does meet your needs. It could never happen otherwise.

[Emilia]

I don't know what you mean OP by emotionally unavailable? Is that because he wouldn't marry you? He was in a relationship with you after all. I also don't understand why you are saying he led you on since he was always honest - according to your post - that he didn't want to go beyond boyfriend status. I'm not surprised he has gone quiet, you are giving him a hard time over something he has never denied. Why go out with someone who clearly says he doesn't want to give you what you want? How is that his fault and not your own? You have to look after yourself, it's your responsibility, not his. The thing is, the world doesn't owe you rainbows and butterflies. It is what it is.

[whichwayisup]

It's just odd. Because for 2 years, I didn't pressure him.

 

Even rereading our messages, I told him I know it's the way he is and I accepted it. I never told him to change.

 

I know I ignored the red flags. This isn't all on him, I should have listened to my gut.

 

I'm trying my best, but finding it extremely difficult. I'm actually thinking about getting counseling.

 

I don't have many friends, so there's no one really to talk to.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

Do the counseling, it'll help you cope and grieve the loss in a healthy way.

 

It hurts, and I feel for you.

 

Google baggage reclaim and read the articles on there, so many can help you.

 

Time to make some new friends, and also reach out the ones you do have, as well as your family.

[Pumpkin4]

What do you mean by other issues? Like tge things that happened years ago that caused him to become emotionally unavailable or different things all all together?

 

I didn't push for a breakthrough though. Two weeks ago we had a conversation and I explained to him I would love if he'd be able to trust me, but that I was essentially giving up on seeing that side of him. Expressed I was throwing my hands up in defeat in that regard.

[Pumpkin4]

Hmmm, sounds a bit like men who attach to emotionally crippled women and dream that one they'll just show up having decided they'll be unBSC from now on. They say that primates emerged from the sea, so I guess anything is possible if you're willing to wait long enough. Maybe yours is the one in a million who sprouts legs and decides walk upright instead of swim.

 

 

 

It's not selflessness. It's fear. Fear is the core deficit of the emotionally unavailable. I wonder if there isn't more going on with him than being emotionally unavailable. You didn't say that much about his tendencies but chances are if he's really unable to attach and love like a healthy person, there are other issues. People build walls or defenses to protect themselves from experiencing fear, and one way for such a person to avoid the fear of getting dumped is to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. If you had been pushing for a breakthrough on the intimacy aspects and then started distancing, he was probably panicked. Dumping you assuaged the fear on both ends.

 

I know it's hard even if the relationship wasn't what you hoped it would be, but just try and look at this as an opportunity to find a relationship that does meet your needs. It could never happen otherwise.

 

What do you mean by other issues? Do you mean the things in his past that have made him like this? Or completely different things I have no idea about?

 

I wasn't pushing for a breakthrough regarding his emotions. I accepted it. Two weeks ago we had a conversation, our last conversation regarding this, and I explained I was giving up the hope he'd ever let me in one day. Throwing up my hands in defeat. I explained I had done all I could to prove I was trustworthy but accepted him being vulnerable around me would never happen.

[stillafool]

Hi everyone,

 

 

Relevant background info: 2 year relationship, both 29. For anyone familiar with the emotionally unavailable man, he treated me well, introduced me to friends and family, made me a part of his life, etc... all the while never wanting to talk about the relationship, commit further than boyfriend/girlfriend status, discuss our problems or admit his faults. It was always about him, never about me, what he wanted was #1 all the time. As long as his need were met and he controlled the relationship, he was content in our seemingly happy stalemate relationship he knew wouldn't go anywhere because of his issues.

 

He, at least knew he was emotionally unavailable and expressed that to me whenever I would ask him about opening up more. However, he had no desire to work on himself to change that. I stupidly, believe he would change - that's all on me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If he expressed to you he was unavailable emotionally, why did you spend 2 years trying to change his mind? You should have broken up with him as soon as you found out he wasn't going to give you the emotional support you needed. I imagine this is a lesson learned when you go forward with your next relationship. You have to make sure the next guy thinks as you do regarding a relationship. I can't say that your ex was wrong in any way because he was honest with you as to who he is. You just stuck around too long.

[Pumpkin4]

If he expressed to you he was unavailable emotionally, why did you spend 2 years trying to change his mind? You should have broken up with him as soon as you found out he wasn't going to give you the emotional support you needed. I imagine this is a lesson learned when you go forward with your next relationship. You have to make sure the next guy thinks as you do regarding a relationship. I can't say that your ex was wrong in any way because he was honest with you as to who he is. You just stuck around too long.

 

I know I should have left sooner. Fully aware. It's difficult, because he's not a bad person and would continually give me glimpses of the the person he could be. He'd tell me me he'd open up eventually, it just took time with him. It's hard to not take someone at their word when you're in love.

[Emilia]

I know I should have left sooner. Fully aware. It's difficult, because he's not a bad person and would continually give me glimpses of the the person he could be. He'd tell me me he'd open up eventually, it just took time with him. It's hard to not take someone at their word when you're in love.

He could be but not he is. You need to make that decision before you fall in love rather than expect the other person to change.

[MissBee]

It didn't revolve around you, it's still about him, just couched in language about you.

 

The simple truth is: he is emotionally unavailable and has told you so, and that's really the answer to the riddle.

 

You will run yourself into the ground trying to "understand" or wait for an emotionally unavailable person to change.

 

There is a helpful site which has TONS of articles on emotionally unavailable men (and women): Baggage Reclaim. I stumbled across it several years ago when I was going through my own dramas with such men and it was like the heaven's opened and it all made sense!

 

Nowadays I can spot them and I know the script and don't bother to date them or take their behavior personally. You shouldn't either, but it can really eff with your head when you don't understand or at least don't accept it. It is not about being a bad person...it's just about being a bad person to be in a relationship with. Emotionally unavailable men can be sweet, nice, funny, great with kids, etc...but still be a pain in the ass for a committed, loving, stable relationship. That is the nature of the beast sometimes and too many women keep looking at what he "could be" instead of what he IS. He could change technically, but it doesn't happen without conscious work on HIS part, it's not by magic or having the "right woman" to love him into availability...it doesn't work like that and so many women invest into this dead end hoping they can be like Belle and tame the Beast...but then it comes right back to the beginning of "I am a beast...I hurt you...but I also told you so beforehand."

 

If someone says they are emotionally unavailable: BELIEVE THEM! Then run! Seriously though, too many women think this is something they can "help" him work through and tack their worth to this person's behavior, when you can't and it's not about you. Usually too, women who date such men have their own issues of unavailability, hence they gravitate towards these self-sabotaging relationships.

Edited October 30, 2013 by MissBee

[Pumpkin4]

It didn't revolve around you, it's still about him, just couched in language about you.

 

The simple truth is: he is emotionally unavailable and has told you so, and that's really the answer to the riddle.

 

You will run yourself into the ground trying to "understand" or wait for an emotionally unavailable person to change.

 

There is a helpful site which has TONS of articles on emotionally unavailable men (and women): Baggage Reclaim. I stumbled across it several years ago when I was going through my own dramas with such men and it was like the heaven's opened and it all made sense!

 

Nowadays I can spot them and I know the script and don't bother to date them or take their behavior personally. You shouldn't either, but it can really eff with your head when you don't understand or at least don't accept it. It is not about being a bad person...it's just about being a bad person to be in a relationship with. Emotionally unavailable men can be sweet, nice, funny, great with kids, etc...but still be a pain in the ass for a committed, loving, stable relationship. That is the nature of the beast sometimes and too many women keep looking at what he "could be" instead of what he IS. He could change technically, but it doesn't happen without conscious work on HIS part, it's not by magic or having the "right woman" to love him into availability...it doesn't work like that and so many women invest into this dead end hoping they can be like Belle and tame the Beast...but then it comes right back to the beginning of "I am a beast...I hurt you...but I also told you so beforehand."

 

If someone says they are emotionally unavailable: BELIEVE THEM! Then run! Seriously though, too many women think this is something they can "help" him work through and tack their worth to this person's behavior, when you can't and it's not about you. Usually too, women who date such men have their own issues of unavailability, hence they gravitate towards these self-sabotaging relationships.

 

You are completely correct. Thank you for your response. It's funny how after a relationship ends it all becomes clear in hindsight. I know the signs all too well now too. I will note date someone like this again. I refuse to do it to myself.

 

The effect he had on on my self esteem and self worth however, is a different story.

[salparadise]

What do you mean by other issues? Do you mean the things in his past that have made him like this? Or completely different things I have no idea about?

 

I wasn't pushing for a breakthrough regarding his emotions. I accepted it. Two weeks ago we had a conversation, our last conversation regarding this, and I explained I was giving up the hope he'd ever let me in one day. Throwing up my hands in defeat. I explained I had done all I could to prove I was trustworthy but accepted him being vulnerable around me would never happen.

 

I mean that he may have emotional scars that run deeper than his inability to be open emotionally. I am hesitant to speculate, but yes, things from his past that have nothing to do with you. The point being that being more open and meeting your needs for intimacy may not be an option that's available to him. It may be that he has done the best he can given his limitations.

 

Telling him that you're giving up, throwing up your hands in defeat, accepting that essentially he'd never be who you wanted him to be could certainly have be taken as rejection, or a sign that you were done and ready to terminate the relationship. Rejection, or never having been loved and accepted simply for who his is could be the etiology of the larger underlying issue. To him it may have felt like the dreaded, inevitable outcome, a repeat of the pain he has experienced in every valuable relationship throughout his life.

 

So try to understand that his limitations are not about you having done everything possible to prove your trustworthyness and he being unreceptive... it's just who he is, and once again it was about to be confirmed to him that being who he is isn't good enough, that he isn't inherently lovable. So rather than waiting helplessly for the axe to fall he preempts and ends it himself, perhaps saving a little face for himself.

 

Some people carry deep wounds, and develop all kinds of strategies to avoid their pain. The defenses often make them ineffective in social and interpersonal relationships, which results in more wounds and re-experiencing the earlier ones as well. So emotional unavailability is really a defense mechanism, or his subconscious doing its best to help him survive. These people crave intimacy but are terrified of vulnerability. They try to manage by existing in the narrow space between abject loneliness and the terror triggered by the inherent vulnerability associated with falling in love. Trying to push him out of this safe zone in either direction triggers fear.

 

The takeaway is that if you desire deep emotional intimacy in a relationship (as most of us do), you need to find someone already capable of reciprocating in that regard. Be compassionate but you can't compromise your own needs on a fixer-upper. I'm sorry for what you both must be feeling.

Edited October 30, 2013 by salparadise

[Pumpkin4]

I mean that he may have emotional scars that run deeper than his inability to be open emotionally. I am hesitant to speculate, but yes, things from his past that have nothing to do with you. The point being that being more open and meeting your needs for intimacy may not be an option that's available to him. It may be that he has done the best he can given his limitations.

 

Telling him that you're giving up, throwing up your hands in defeat, accepting that essentially he'd never be who you wanted him to be could certainly have be taken as rejection, or a sign that you were done and ready to terminate the relationship. Rejection, or never having been loved and accepted simply for who his is could be the etiology of the larger underlying issue. To him it may have felt like the dreaded, inevitable outcome, a repeat of the pain he has experienced in every valuable relationship throughout his life.

 

So try to understand that his limitations are not about you having done everything possible to prove your trustworthyness and he being unreceptive... it's just who he is, and once again it was about to be confirmed to him that being who he is isn't good enough, that he isn't inherently lovable. So rather than waiting helplessly for the axe to fall he preempts and ends it himself, perhaps saving a little face for himself.

 

Some people carry deep wounds, and develop all kinds of strategies to avoid their pain. The defenses often make them ineffective in social and interpersonal relationships, which results in more wounds and re-experiencing the earlier ones as well. So emotional unavailability is really a defense mechanism, or his subconscious doing its best to help him survive. These people crave intimacy but are terrified of vulnerability. They try to manage by existing in the narrow space between abject loneliness and the terror triggered by the inherent vulnerability associated with falling in love. Trying to push him out of this safe zone in either direction triggers fear.

 

The takeaway is that if you desire deep emotional intimacy in a relationship (as most of us do), you need to find someone already capable of reciprocating in that regard. Be compassionate but you can't compromise your own needs on a fixer-upper. I'm sorry for what you both must be feeling.

 

His emotional scars do run deep. His father abandoned his mother when he was young. Girl broke his his heart previously. His mom passed a few years ago.

 

I do see his side of things. I regret somewhat sending him an email right after we broke up. I was angry, called him cowardly multiple times for ending it it over the phone. I told him flat out the relationship failed because of his emotional issues and that I was glad it was ending.

 

I feel bad. I did tell him I Ioved him in the email though. Only positive I guess. The first time in 2 years I've said it. We'd hadn't spoken a word about love before. Ever.

 

What do you think he felt about my email?

[whichwayisup]

The effect he had on on my self esteem and self worth however, is a different story.

 

Men like that can rip your heart out and ruin self esteem, make you feel insecure and doubt yourself.

 

You must rebuild your confidence level and spoil yourself as well! No man, let alone HIM, is worth losing "yourself" over. He certainly isn't sitting around crying and thinking about it. Sorry to say that, but the truth is, men like that are cruel and really don't care if they deeply hurt someone.

 

Make peace with things, there are good enough reasons as to why it didn't work out. In time, find it in your heart to forgive him and wish him well -- Doing this rids of resentment and sets YOU free. Good vibes kind of a pay it forward... A release.

[Delilah1623]

I went through a relationship and breakup with a man like this a few months ago. It sucks. It feels like it's you and you just weren't "enough"..., pretty enough, smart enough, confident enough, etc. I think with men like this they use any excuse to keep you and bay and avoiding admitting to and facing that part of the problem is their own issues. It leaves you feeling like it's your fault when reality is it probably has little to do with you at all.

 

For example my ex obsessed that I was going to get fat and he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore and woulda make comments about what I was eating. I would lie about what I had for dinner to avoid the judgement. And I am 28 years old, 5'4" and 105 pounds....

 

It sucks and it hurts and it doesn't make sense but soon you'll look back and realize how much happier you are without him. Good luck

[FitChick]

His emotional scars do run deep. His father abandoned his mother when he was young. Girl broke his his heart previously. His mom passed a few years ago.

Plenty of people have experienced the same or worse. Excuses, excuses. They have to fix themselves first instead of subjecting innocent parties to their crap.

 

Unless you are his shrink, fixing him is not your problem. Don't waste your time analyzing HIM, analyze yourself to find out why you put up with this.

[Pumpkin4]

Plenty of people have experienced the same or worse. Excuses, excuses. They have to fix themselves first instead of subjecting innocent parties to their crap.

 

Unless you are his shrink, fixing him is not your problem. Don't waste your time analyzing HIM, analyze yourself to find out why you put up with this.

You're right, thanks.

 

When I sent him our "breakup email" lol, I told him I wished he'd just deal with everything and finally face it for for himself. I explained that though some of the circumstances in his life were super ****ty, there are many much worse than him and instead of complaining about it endlessly he should try to change something. Stop feeling sorry for himself. Told him all he was doing was existing.

 

Looking back I felt it was harsh but maybe not, I I don't know. Thank you for your insight.

[joystickd]

 

What do you think he felt about my email?

Hurt.

I was in his same shoes earlier this year. I was with someone that really loved me and just was emotionally unavailable. I treated it like an FWB. She wanted a relationship and did everything for me. Inside I wanted the same thing but I was terrified of really opening up and saying it. A few years before that I had lost my virginity and fell in love with a misandrist succubus (a nicer term than what I really want to say). I had put up with being humiliated and lied to. When I moved on she became friends with the person I was trying to be with and destroyed that relationship. She lied and told people I was stalking her and had dented her car. I had lost a few friends because of her. On top of all of that I had got laid off my job and family stressing the hell out of me about doing something with my life. Before all of this though I would have bouts of depression and at one point contemplated suicide. I had someone I thought was a friend wanting to kill me. I never really dealt with all of this stuff because as a man we have to suck it up and move on. Before I had this woman I hurt I had tried therapy but it just harmed more than help. It just made me very angry and it was because I had to think about all of that stuff that happened to me.

 

I ended it with her because I was absolutely terrified of really opening up myself emotionally. I had been burned by women I had feelings for and family members that it had took a toll on me. I actually told her I had been talking to someone else and sent the woman's profile to her on FB. It's been months now since we broke up. I still love her. I never told her but felt that way.

 

Women don't understand that opening up emotionally is a big thing for men.

[Pumpkin4]

Hurt.

I was in his same shoes earlier this year. I was with someone that really loved me and just was emotionally unavailable. I treated it like an FWB. She wanted a relationship and did everything for me. Inside I wanted the same thing but I was terrified of really opening up and saying it. A few years before that I had lost my virginity and fell in love with a misandrist succubus (a nicer term than what I really want to say). I had put up with being humiliated and lied to. When I moved on she became friends with the person I was trying to be with and destroyed that relationship. She lied and told people I was stalking her and had dented her car. I had lost a few friends because of her. On top of all of that I had got laid off my job and family stressing the hell out of me about doing something with my life. Before all of this though I would have bouts of depression and at one point contemplated suicide. I had someone I thought was a friend wanting to kill me. I never really dealt with all of this stuff because as a man we have to suck it up and move on. Before I had this woman I hurt I had tried therapy but it just harmed more than help. It just made me very angry and it was because I had to think about all of that stuff that happened to me.

 

I ended it with her because I was absolutely terrified of really opening up myself emotionally. I had been burned by women I had feelings for and family members that it had took a toll on me. I actually told her I had been talking to someone else and sent the woman's profile to her on FB. It's been months now since we broke up. I still love her. I never told her but felt that way.

 

Women don't understand that opening up emotionally is a big thing for men.

Thank you for responding. I am sincerely sorry for what you've been through.

 

He broke up with me. He wanted me gone. He did it over the telephone, after a 2 year relationship, where we were indeed boyfriend/girlfriend. If he did indeed love me, his fear overcame that love and he pushed me away. In the most ultimate form.

 

Can I ask you honestly, what would he expect from me other than anger at that point? He caught me completely off guard. He knew I would not take the break up well, and honestly I believe he did it in the most crappy way as possible so I would be super mad & mean to him. So it wouldn't hurt as much if I was horrible to him while he ended it.

 

I don't think I should send an apology email now. I don't want him to think I'm wasting away over this; that I'm a fallback option for him. It's been exactly one week. Do you think it would be appropriate? I highly doubt it. I highly doubt he's giving me a second though, and I'm mourning him desperately.

 

I understand that your emotionally unavailable because of what you've been through. And I think you should completely, apologize to that girl you love and tell her how you feel in the future ONLY if you commit to becoming a different man now and facing your demons. Becoming available to have a trusting, healthy, open, loving relationship. Everyone is capable of change. They just have to want it desperately.

 

I hope I knocked some sense into him with that email. Though I don't want what we had back unless he came to me a completely changed person, I hope that email gave him some things to reflect. That was the purpose of it. Not to make him feel bad. I just don't know what else I could have done. I was desperate to get through to him, hate me or not, with that email. Not for my benefit, but because I care for him and want him to grow and do well; become a better person for himself.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Pumpkin4

[spiderowl]

He may be very self-contained, maybe even mildly autistic. It could be that he hasn't got what you need because of that. If he was close to or bordering on mild autism, he would find your emotional needs too much and irrelevant to him. I don't say that to hurt, he just would. A member of my family has mild autism and sees emotions much in the same way as we might see an annoying fly - something to avoid or bat out of the way if it gets too irritating. He might at some level realise he is not pleasing you and so decided not to continue.

 

This is an opportunity for you to meet a guy who can give you what you need. There is no point trying to cope with less just because of the way a guy is. I suspect he simply couldn't handle normal emotional involvement and that there is no other reason. If he's like that, it's even doubtful he could feel love. Honestly, I think you deserve a more open and emotional kind of guy who you could relate to and vice versa.