MelodyJ Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Hey all, I hope everyone had an enjoyable weekend! OK, my daughter, 16, has a crush on the new kid at school, apparently so do all the girls, he is a "hottie". Well, he likes her too, they talk on the phone for hours, and walk home sometimes. He is a Sr. and she is a Jr. His mom thought my daughter was just the sweetest, most beautiful girl, and encouraged the relationship, until she found out her age. Now, she is telling him he can't see her anymore because she is afraid of a statutory rape situation. I guess this happened to the kids older brother and I'm not sure the extent of the situation, but she did tell her son that "she didn't want to lose another son". My daughter of course is crushed. She said he is so nice and treats her very respectfully. She told him that I was ok with it, and he should tell his mom to talk to me to put her concerns to rest. I understand where the mom is coming from, and can't say I wouldn't react the same way considering the cisrcumstances with one son already, but I know my daughter, she is a good girl, with a very good head on her shoulders. She maks good decisions for herself, is involved in groups at school, and all her and her sisters friends are "straight edge". No drugs, alcohol, or sex before true love. I told her that he has to live with his mom. And respect her feelings, but if the mom wants to talk, or maybe get together for dinner with both the kids, I would be ok with that. They just moved here and she is a also single mom, she may want to make some friends in the area. Am I wrong to think that the age difference is ok? A girl at 16 and a boy 18 are pretty much on the same wave length mentally, and a 17 yr old boy can get just as horny as an 18 yr old. It comes down to respect, him for her and her for herself, and that is already established. Any thoughts are appreciated. Winter formal is around the corner and they want to go together, but I don't know if I should encourage it or not. What do you guys think?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Have you spoken directly with his mom? I don't see a problem with the age difference, but given one statuatory rape situation, I can understand why she would be afraid. I just looked up the 'age of consent' in California and see that: For the purposes of this section, a "minor" is a person under the age of 18 years and an "adult" is a person who is at least 18 years of age. (b) Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is not more than three years older or three years younger than the perpetrator, is guilty of a misdemeanor. Is the mother afraid that you will press charges for a misdemeanor charge? Maybe if you two sit down and have a talk about it, and reassure her that it is ok with you things can work out.
Dakini Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 M: I agree with Lucrezia. I see nothing wrong in the age difference. In this instance, though, neither you, your daughter, nor the young man in question have any say in the matter at this point. If the young man's mother has made up her mind, then there is very little you can do to change it. If you try to force the mother in to allowing her son to date your daughter, I imagine things will back fire - badly. However, I think sitting down with her and discussing this issue would be a wonderful idea, especially considering that you both have commonalities. Keep us updated. Good luck.
alphamale Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by Ms. M but I know my daughter, she is a good girl, with a very good head on her shoulders. She maks good decisions for herself, is involved in groups at school, and all her and her sisters friends are "straight edge". No drugs, alcohol, or sex before true love. Any thoughts are appreciated. Winter formal is around the corner and they want to go together, but I don't know if I should encourage it or not. What do you guys think? I think the other mom's concern's are valid. It would be HER son going to jail if anything happened, not your daughter. In addition, EVERY PARENT I KNOW says what you said above. "My kids are great kids". You most likely don't know the half of what your daughter is up to cause it is extremely easy to pull the wool over your parents' eyes. I mean, there are a lot of kids out their having sex, drinking, doing drugs, etc etc etc. And there are a lot of parents saying "My kids would never be involved in that, no way!!!" So who's kids are doing all these bad things???
FolderWife Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 To answer your question, no you're not a bad parent at all. His mother is just looking out for his interests....there are a lot of girls out there who'll give it up, and then when the boy dumps them, will yell rape. She is 16. If they did date, they'd be lucky to make it a month, before both of them are looking at other people. Of course, now that his mom has said no, they are going to want to do it, because forbidden fruit is sweeter....stupidity on her part. Don't even worry about it. They go to school together, so they'll be making out under the bleachers whether his mom says it's ok or not.
Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 To answer your question, no you're not a bad parent at all. His mother is just looking out for his interests....there are a lot of girls out there who'll give it up, and then when the boy dumps them, will yell rape. SOOOOOOOOOO very sad but so true.....I agree they will probably see each other secretly anyway, if your daughter isn't one of the types mentioned above(in no way am I saying she is) maybe speaking to his mother is a good idea...if it doesn't work then just like Monday said they'll probably date in secret...
Bo408 Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by Monday To answer your question, no you're not a bad parent at all. His mother is just looking out for his interests....there are a lot of girls out there who'll give it up, and then when the boy dumps them, will yell rape. She is 16. If they did date, they'd be lucky to make it a month, before both of them are looking at other people. Of course, now that his mom has said no, they are going to want to do it, because forbidden fruit is sweeter....stupidity on her part. Don't even worry about it. They go to school together, so they'll be making out under the bleachers whether his mom says it's ok or not. She is 16. If they did date, they'd be lucky to make it a month, before both of them are looking at other people. That's not always true!!!!!!!!!
HokeyReligions Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I think that this situation is an excellent way to talk with your daughter about sex, protection, diseases, pregnancy, love, and even smoking and drugs, etc. And not just one talk, frequent talks. Keep communication open with your daughter. Reinforce what you have taught her all along and listen to what she says about what her and her friends talk about. Peer pressure is a powerful thing. Since the boy's mother is new in the neighborhood I think it would also be nice for you to invite her over for coffee and just get to know each other. Talk about the neighborhood, school, etc. and be upfront about understanding her concerns. She might appreciate that and you may find a new friend too! If she doesn't want her son to see your daughter it would be good for you and she to be on good terms if the kids don't follow her mandate. Or maybe you two can even reach some compromises - such as chaperones and curfews. But if they do see each other outside of school (or even in school) and they decide to have sex they will find a way to do it. Better that they are both prepared. Talk to your daughter about how to protect herself should he, or any boy she dates, becomes violent or attempts to force her. Make sure you both know where the line between rape and persuasion lay. And that she knows who to call for help should she need to. It's a tough spot for a parent because your kids are not under your watchful eye all the time and you have to start letting go and trusting them. Your fears will be less when you are more involved in your daughters life and you are confident she is armed with the knowledge of what to do in certain situations. Two years age difference isn't much - except when it comes to the law. As scary as it is, it might be a positive situation to be in because it will help both of you (all of you?) be prepared for her independence and be confident in her abilities.
Naive Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I don't really see such a big problem, they are both in the same HS and all. You should talk to his mother and assure her that you are ok with them dating.
Author MelodyJ Posted December 14, 2004 Author Posted December 14, 2004 Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I am very involved in all my kids lives. They have curfews and they stick to them, I monitor their computer time, and we joke about all the things they do woth their friends. I am very lucky in this way. I am the mom who everyone wants to stay with, picks them up and drops them off, drives them around, has all the cell phone numbers, knows where they all live, and always talks to the parents on the phone before they head out for any activity. My daughters are very open with me, that is why she was able to share her feelings about this boy and his mothers concerns. She has nothing to hide from me. We talk about sex and drugs, they have very strong opinions about both subjects, and several girls at their school already have babies, my daughters think it is the stupidest and most irresponsible thing they can imagine. They even give advice to their friends about getting birth control if they know they are going to do it. I know all parents say this, but they really are good girls. They are the kids you want to babysit for you. I will see what happened at school today shortly, he was supposed to call her yesterday and didn't. Maybe ther is nothing to be concerned about after all, because she already told me she doesn't chase any guy! Smart girl!! M
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