Wants vs. needs

[lucy_in_disguise]

To all,

 

I appreciate the feedback, I really do.

 

But the guilt trips are truly not helpful.

 

For one, I am already racked with guilt over having these thoughts. I have stayed as long as I did because the guilt tends to cause me to jump back in/ make it work.

 

Also, telling someone to leave heir partner so they can find someone better generally has the opposite effect. It triggers jealousy and reads like a challenge. Poor reasons to stay with someone, but that's the effect IMO.

 

I am the one posting, not my bf. yes, it's a trite problem and yes, sucks for the dude dating me. But I am the one seeking advice and the one looking for change. So rather than pointing out my flaws to make me feel bad, can we keep it constructive?

 

Thanks.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Dichotomy, if the flame burns out anyway, why is it necessary to have it in the beginning?

[Zapbasket]

 

For one, I am already racked with guilt over having these thoughts. I have stayed as long as I did because the guilt tends to cause me to jump back in/ make it work.

 

Your guilt is understandable, but so are your conflicting feelings.

 

Your emotions encircle two relationships, both lacking something, and the something lacking in one relationship is the something that is present in the other.

 

It seems your thinking is that perhaps you can "fill" this lack by prioritizing one something above the other, and choosing the relationship that has the higher-priority "something."

 

But perhaps there's another possibility: that both relationships, in lacking something important enough that it stirs deep ambivalence in you, are not the right relationships for you, ultimately.

 

You don't necessarily have to decide between them now. The way I see it, it's not "unfair" of you to feel ambivalence toward your current partner, so long as you continue to show up to the relationship. When the time is right, for instance, it might be illuminating to ask your current bf whether HE feels sparks in the relationship, and then--diplomatically, of course--tell him a bit about some of your reservations. Reservation is not a lack of commitment per se; it's simply a set of questions that, if you are committed, you seek, honestly, to answer--and you give your partner the opportunity to provide some perspective. Sometimes hearing the other side can alter your views drastically.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Green cove, thanks for the response, what you said makes sense. I too have been trying to make myself recognize that there are two separate issues here: whether my bf is right for me, and whether it would be possible to make it work with my ex.

 

I agree that doubts/ reservations are ok to have if I am still showing up but I feel like I need to figure it out more definitively soon. He is supposed to be moving in in 2 months and I am not sure I can go through with it feelin as I do now. I don't want to go through another holiday season faking happiness either. It was the same story the last 2 years and I just feel like its getting ridiculous. If it is this much work for me to feel fulfilled perhaps something is missing in a big way.

 

Right now, I am pretty sure I want out. I am just tired of flip flopping about it.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Ugh, I am a mess.

 

We talked last night. He actually initiated the conversation, expressing his doubts about moving in (based on my distant behaivior the last few weeks).

 

He too believes my constant doubts do not bode well for our future. And that we have issues with communication.

 

It was my opportunity to end the relationship. Instead, as I have done in the past, I broke down and begged him not to leave.

 

It was clear to me how much I love him. And yet, I'm not sure I can guarantee my doubts will go away. I'm afraid if I commit, I will resent him down the road for the life I'll be forced to live.

 

It's not a bad option, being upper middle class with a loving husband and kids. But the prospect of giving up on my dreams - of a better career, geographic mobility, being closer to my family, sharing the passion of a joint business venture with my spouse- still seems a high price to pay for contentment.

 

And yet- I can't let him go.

 

Help?

[Elliotte]

This seems less about getting over your ex, and more about figuring out what you want from your life right now. Several times you've written lists about different positives from either option. What do you want from your life right now? You obviously can't have everything, you should at least know what you want most and try to pursue that as best as possible. Second guessing and self doubt will be there along the way, to be sure, but at least things will be a lot more clear.

 

I get that getting over first love is hard. There's been plenty of times I've wanted my first relationship back, but I know what I really wanted was not only her, but that feeling of not having been hurt by her, or anyone else since. The first relationship is so awesome because you haven't hit the realities of love, until it ends and you have to pick up the pieces and move on.

 

I certainly would advise against moving in, or moving forward at all with your current relationship and try to figure things out for yourself. Try approaching things from different angles than before and figuring out how to move yourself forward. Don't be distant with your bf, be honest, and allow him to decide whether or not he wants to stay with you through this or not.

 

Hope that helps in some way.

[todreaminblue]

In my opinion "needs" have no place in a marriage. In my life I've learned to "need" no one, and because of that I am much happier. Those in my life I want there.

 

Relationship wise my fiancee is always saying things like "you didn't need to do that" (referring to something nice I did) and my response is always "I made the choice to as I wanted to make you smile, if I didn't want to do it I wouldn't have". As need has always come off to me as not being able to self sustain or make your own decisions.

 

i say this too when i do something nice i chose to .......i didnt need to do it i wanted to ...if people "needed" each other to survive....then when one partner dies the other would do......i do believe...though over time......that my family has this trait....my grandparents..one dies and not long after the other grandparent died ...they did need each other to survive...but that need was developed over a lifetime of love and affection it was really sad actually ...and i miss them still hurts when i think of them...... doubt it will ever stop......deb

[lucy_in_disguise]

This seems less about getting over your ex, and more about figuring out what you want from your life right now. Several times you've written lists about different positives from either option. What do you want from your life right now? You obviously can't have everything, you should at least know what you want most and try to pursue that as best as possible. Second guessing and self doubt will be there along the way, to be sure, but at least things will be a lot more clear.

 

I get that getting over first love is hard. There's been plenty of times I've wanted my first relationship back, but I know what I really wanted was not only her, but that feeling of not having been hurt by her, or anyone else since. The first relationship is so awesome because you haven't hit the realities of love, until it ends and you have to pick up the pieces and move on.

 

I certainly would advise against moving in, or moving forward at all with your current relationship and try to figure things out for yourself. Try approaching things from different angles than before and figuring out how to move yourself forward. Don't be distant with your bf, be honest, and allow him to decide whether or not he wants to stay with you through this or not.

 

Hope that helps in some way.

 

Thanks for this. It's the conclusion I've been coming to as well.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think what is confusing to me is, I always thought above all, I valued family. Finding a great husband and starting a family seemed (seem?) like the most important things.

 

But now that it's an option... A very real proposal to move to he suburbs to start a family with my bf... I am realizing all the other things I expected I would have had, too. The list I mentioned.

 

Maybe a great guy is not enough...

[lucy_in_disguise]

LS, please advise. I am so confused.

 

Here is where things are now. I left my bf a few months ago. I got back in touch with my ex that id been pining for. We had a serious connection. He was in a relationship but has subsequently broken up with his gf of several years. I have a ticket back to my college town to visit next weekend.

 

I should be thrilled, right? Well, I am having seriously cold feet. I miss my most recent ex and wonder if I made a mistake. The connection with college bf is still strong, but if we don't speak for a few days, I tend to check out.

 

Should I go, and see if I can get some kind of closure? Or should I just close the door now, possibly gettin back together with the other guy?

 

Boy, I'm a mess...

[Grumpybutfun]

Obviously neither of these guys is your forever guy. One you feel passion, but he isn't stable enough for you, and the other you feel stability but it lacks passion. The see saw effort you are making to figure out two negatives and trying to make a positive is futile. Therefore, forget both of them at this time and concentrate on your career and your friends and family. You want certain career goals and now is the perfect time to set your goals in order and follow them.

Best,

Grumps

[lucy_in_disguise]

Obviously neither of these guys is your forever guy. One you feel passion, but he isn't stable enough for you, and the other you feel stability but it lacks passion. The see saw effort you are making to figure out two negatives and trying to make a positive is futile. Therefore, forget both of them at this time and concentrate on your career and your friends and family. You want certain career goals and now is the perfect time to set your goals in order and follow them.

Best,

Grumps

 

Is it that obvious/ simple?

 

I feel like my mind keeps playing tricks on me.

 

While I was getting reaquainted with my ex these last few months, it frustrated me that we were not together, when the connection was so clearly there, we seemed to understand each other so well, and want the same things out of life.

 

I was aware of his flaws, but hoping badly that it could work out. I figured, you love who you love, and I've loved him for 10 years.

 

Now that the fantasy is getting real, I'm starting to question my judgement. Part of the issue is that he has pulled away since finally ending his relationship. Rationally, I understand that that's normal and probably healthier than if he was coming to me for emotional support at this time. After all, he was with her for several years, and he needs time/ space to grieve.

 

Still, the distance makes me insecure. I wonder if he regrets his decision. I wonder if he will ever be truly available.

 

And through all this drama... I miss my other ex. I miss talking to him every day and knowing he was there for me. I know it was not a spur of the moment decision to break up with him... I had been unhappy and pondering the breakup for years before finally pulling the plug... but I still miss him. I don't think it's just a matter of not getting my needs met right now, either. I feel like I really might have made a mistake, not appreciating what I had.

 

Which brings me to this trip. On the one hand, I feel like I owe it to myself to go. I have thought about this guy for so long, and at the least, this trip will satisfy my curiosity.

 

On the other hand... I don't really want to. This confuses me because it's something I've wanted so badly for so long. But what I want right now, is to drive to the other guy's house, cuddle up with him on his couch, and have a netflix marathon.

[xxoo]

When you're ready, and you've found the right person, you won't be wondering if you should consider someone else.

[Dean13]

When you're ready, and you've found the right person, you won't be wondering if you should consider someone else.

 

I wonder if this is true for her. Some people just have trouble making important decisions like this without second guessing and torturing themselves over it.

 

I know I did through most of my 20's, and still do to a lesser extent.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't know if it will be as simple as "when u know, u know" for me. I am one of the most indecisive people you will meet. More accurately, I am a flip flipper, able to completely believe one thing one minute, the opposite the next. That goes for all aspects of my life including career, life goals, friends, hobbies, etc.

 

Part of the problem is that i overthink everything and Am always calculating opportunity costs. The other issue is that my "gut feeling" is totally out of whack. Without my instincts to guide me, there are only feelings and logic, which I am able to twist any way I want to serve my needs.

 

I wonder if there is something fundamentally damaged about me that prevents me from desiring true intimacy. I know everyone wants what they can't have, but I feel like I take that to an extreme.

[Dean13]

I don't know if it will be as simple as "when u know, u know" for me. I am one of the most indecisive people you will meet. More accurately, I am a flip flipper, able to completely believe one thing one minute, the opposite the next. That goes for all aspects of my life including career, life goals, friends, hobbies, etc.

 

Part of the problem is that i overthink everything and Am always calculating opportunity costs. The other issue is that my "gut feeling" is totally out of whack. Without my instincts to guide me, there are only feelings and logic, which I am able to twist any way I want to serve my needs.

 

I wonder if there is something fundamentally damaged about me that prevents me from desiring true intimacy. I know everyone wants what they can't have, but I feel like I take that to an extreme.

 

Lucy,

 

You and I are similar in many ways. I also tend to over-think things and sometimes obsess over analyzing the pros and cons of decisions. Coincidentally, I also analyze data and numbers for a living. This personality type led me to date my current wife for almost 5 years before proposing(I was 29). She was very patient!

 

That being said, I have no magic advice for you. I can tell you that this over-thinking has lessened as I got older(early 40's now), and that probably comes from a general sense of confidence you get with age. The best I can tell you is sometimes, no matter how you come to the decision(analysis or gut), you have to just go with it and hope for the best. Continually waffling back and forth about whether you made the right decision will never allow for you to be content and happy with where you are.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

was this guy your first guy you had sex with? if so, theres your answer. you cant get over that.

 

you will, takes time.