LDR - worth it or not?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

[Phoe]

Depends on how far.

 

2-3 hours? I could do it.

 

 

Across the country? Doubt it.

[MercuryMorrison1]

I made a cross country LDR last for just over a year when I was younger.

 

I live in West Texas while at the time she was living in Batavia Illinois, a suburb of Chicago.

 

Our relationship ended not because of any stresses that we were having due to being apart, but more so due to the fact that she would drop her pants for just about any guy that asked.

[Carenth]

For me it's been worth it so far. It hasn't been easy by any means but bloody hell I'm crazy about her. I still coming to terms that the distance will end in a few weeks, I can't wait.

 

Love doesn't conquer all LDR as so hard if there is no end in sight and so painful that you can't be with the person you love. I understand fully that it isn't for the light hearted, don't blame them either.

[LittleTiger]

It's our four year anniversary in two weeks and, for us, yes it's definitely been worth it. Closing the distance has been a lot more difficult than we anticipated but we're both still 100% committed and now on the home stretch - unless another major problem interferes with our plans. Even if we finished it tomorrow, I still wouldn't regret a single moment.

 

Whether or not it's 'worth it' probably depends on the circumstances and the people involved. How special the person is, how often you can communicate, how often you can see each other and for how long, does it suit your lifestyle etc? Considering we've been 10-12,000 miles apart for a large part of our relationship, we've been very lucky in comparison to some.

 

Several people have said to me "why don't you just find someone closer?". The answer is, because he isn't just 'someone'. He's exceptionally special, I love him, I'm madly 'in love' with him and we love being together. I'm not prepared to settle for anything less.

 

Dont get me wrong though, it certainly hasn't been a bed of roses. We've had more than our fair share of tough times, for all sorts of reasons, and I have occasionally thought that we must both be crazy - but I still wouldn't have missed any of it for the world.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's our four year anniversary in two weeks and, for us, yes it's definitely been worth it. Closing the distance has been a lot more difficult than we anticipated but we're both still 100% committed and now on the home stretch - unless another major problem interferes with our plans. Even if we finished it tomorrow, I still wouldn't regret a single moment.

 

Whether or not it's 'worth it' probably depends on the circumstances and the people involved. How special the person is, how often you can communicate, how often you can see each other and for how long, does it suit your lifestyle etc? Considering we've been 10-12,000 miles apart for a large part of our relationship, we've been very lucky in comparison to some.

 

Several people have said to me "why don't you just find someone closer?". The answer is, because he isn't just 'someone'. He's exceptionally special, I love him, I'm madly 'in love' with him and we love being together. I'm not prepared to settle for anything less.

 

Dont get me wrong though, it certainly hasn't been a bed of roses. We've had more than our fair share of tough times, for all sorts of reasons, and I have occasionally thought that we must both be crazy - but I still wouldn't have missed any of it for the world.

 

Aw I love your story LittleTiger

[Els]

Pretty much everything LT said.

 

That being said, I do think that it might be just a wee bit unrealistic to think that 'love conquers all'. This was hashed out in a previous LDR thread, but the summary is, my view is that everyone has a limit. When practical circumstances require both parties to remain apart for longer than the limit, love alone might not be enough to tide them through. We went through 2.5 years of distance before we closed the distance, so we survived it, but would we have been able to do 5 years or 10? Probably not. Same people, different circumstances.

 

Are you considering something, ES?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Pretty much everything LT said.

 

That being said, I do think that it might be just a wee bit unrealistic to think that 'love conquers all'. This was hashed out in a previous LDR thread, but the summary is, my view is that everyone has a limit. When practical circumstances require both parties to remain apart for longer than the limit, love alone might not be enough to tide them through. We went through 2.5 years of distance before we closed the distance, so we survived it, but would we have been able to do 5 years or 10? Probably not. Same people, different circumstances.

 

Are you considering something, ES?

 

Hehe just thinking about life, relationships, how it all works

[Carenth]

Well for me basically I'm 26 have worked to get myself a stable career but love has never really been a high priority on my list to be honest. It has always been secondary, the amount of people I have truly been in love with I can count on a few fingers.

 

Basically it has been very hard for me to find people I'm actually interested in. Figures the person I'm crazy about lives on the opposite of the world from me, sucks but that is life.

 

So yeah, basically I decided if I'm going to do something crazy, I'll do it while I'm still relatively young. I mean this is actually a massive thing for me I'm usually pretty adverse to risk taking and this is probably the biggest risk I've ever taken moving overseas. But I figure it's an adventure I've always wanted to live overseas at some point. It's nice I will have someone to share that with who I really care about.

 

If worse comes to worse and it doesn't work out well I won't regret it, I already have a lot of great memories and more to come I'm sure. Basically I sat down and thought would I regret this in 10 years time if I didn't at least try to make this work, for me the answer was yes.

 

It will probably will set me back initially having to start working again in another country as I won't have the comfort of the network of contacts I have here but I've never shied away from a challenge and at the end of the day it's just money. I would rather live a life well lived than a life with a stack of money and no one to share life's experiences with.

Edited October 30, 2013 by Carenth

[Els]

Well for me basically I'm 26 have worked to get myself a stable career but love has never really been a high priority on my list to be honest. It has always been secondary, the amount of people I have truly been in love with I can count on a few fingers.

 

Basically it has been very hard for me to find people I'm actually interested in. Figures the person I'm crazy about lives on the opposite of the world from me, sucks but that is life.

 

So yeah, basically I decided if I'm going to do something crazy, I'll do it while I'm still relatively young. I mean this is actually a massive thing for me I'm usually pretty adverse to risk taking and this is probably the biggest risk I've ever taken moving overseas. But I figure it's an adventure I've always wanted to live overseas at some point. It's nice I will have someone to share that with who I really care about.

 

If worse comes to worse and it doesn't work out well I won't regret it, I already have a lot of great memories and more to come I'm sure. Basically I sat down and thought would I regret this in 10 years time if I didn't at least try to make this work, for me the answer was yes.

 

It will probably will set me back initially having to start working again in another country as I won't have the comfort of the network of contacts I have here but I've never shied away from a challenge and at the end of the day it's just money. I would rather live a life well lived than a life with a stack of money and no one to share life's experiences with.

 

At the very least, you'll benefit immensely from the experience, IMO. I learnt a lot more about people and the world from the cultural shift over the past 3 years, than the 20+ that I spent in my home country. Living in a place with different perspectives, norms, and cultures really helps broaden one's mindset.

 

And yes, definitely easier to do it while young.

[Els]

Hehe just thinking about life, relationships, how it all works

 

Good, good...

[John Grogan]

I don”t think i am in the shoes of giving anyone advices, while i have the story that i had, but i can say this: It”s worth doing this if that person is absolutely that type of person that deserves your love.

 

You should look at every fact, every act or decision and if that person will do the same thing you are willing to do, then yes, she is the one you should do this with.

 

Time is the most important thing we can give to that one. No one will give that back if we are taken for granted and we are willing to make any sacrifice for them.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

 

It is not ideal for most of the population as it is most natural and common for one's partner to be closer in proximity. Most of the successful LDR I have seen in my life entailed a real world foundation first where they spent lots of valuable time in person first; confirming the authenticity of the relationship and solidifying the foundation before a departure on one end or both. It is certainly not for the faint of heart.

 

I also believe one has to be serious minded and ready to settle down if it is a really far distance requiring plane rides and especially international love. Why bother with so much sacrifice for something casual?

 

The most unsuccessful long distance relationships I have seen is when there are too many variables involved and no definite end date. End date is all. I think when visas are required to live somewhere else it can make it especially stressful and risky because marriage has to be imminent or some kind of work/business visa. I am crossing my fingers personally for my situation but exploring local options (without getting too serious until the fate of the LD potential romance is confirmed in person). If I wasn't ready to settle down I honestly wouldn't even bat an eye at it. I am more of a pragmatist than a hopeless romantic so I don't believe love with no wisdom/reason/actions behind it will have a happy ending. I also don't like to get my hopes up in vain and weigh all the options and consequences before making important decisions. But that is just me

[Eternal Sunshine]

It is not ideal for most of the population as it is most natural and common for one's partner to be closer in proximity. Most of the successful LDR I have seen in my life entailed a real world foundation first where they spent lots of valuable time in person first; confirming the authenticity of the relationship and solidifying the foundation before a departure on one end or both. It is certainly not for the faint of heart.

 

I also believe one has to be serious minded and ready to settle down if it is a really far distance requiring plane rides and especially international love. Why bother with so much sacrifice for something casual?

 

The most unsuccessful long distance relationships I have seen is when there are too many variables involved and no definite end date. End date is all. I think when visas are required to live somewhere else it can make it especially stressful and risky because marriage has to be imminent or some kind of work/business visa. I am crossing my fingers personally for my situation but exploring local options (without getting too serious until the fate of the LD potential romance is confirmed in person). If I wasn't ready to settle down I honestly wouldn't even bat an eye at it. I am more of a pragmatist than a hopeless romantic so I don't believe love with no wisdom/reason/actions behind it will have a happy ending. I also don't like to get my hopes up in vain and weigh all the options and consequences before making important decisions. But that is just me

 

Yeah I agree with this. I am a hopeless romantic but I have a dose of realism to know that unless there is a firm commitment in place, it's best to explore local options and take it one day at the time.

[oldshirt]

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

Not true at all. Love doesn't conquer anything. Love is just a feeling.

 

The only thing that conquers anything is taking action.

 

LDRs are simply a bandaid at best or are most likely just snakeoil to sooth someone's desire for a real relationship and simply settling for talking to someone on the phone.

 

A real relationship is in person, in the flesh, in the now and there is just simply no substitute for being there.

 

 

Now I am not talking about established couples that are temporarily separated due to work or military service or school etc.

 

But people who are inlove with words and pictures on a computer screen or a voice on the phone are deluding themselves and wasting time and energy they could be spending on finding a real relationship.

 

Now that's not saying that the person on the other end of the phone or on the computer may not be a great person and a compatable match.

 

But what I am saying is that unless people take the action of getting themselves together in the same place at the same time in the physical world, it is all just fantasy and hope and wishful thinking at best and a delusion at worst.

 

The only LDRs that can be considered "successful" are the ones that are no longer LDRs and are now relationships in the present, physical world.

[LittleTiger]

LDRs are simply a bandaid at best or are most likely just snakeoil to sooth someone's desire for a real relationship and simply settling for talking to someone on the phone.

 

A real relationship is in person, in the flesh, in the now and there is just simply no substitute for being there.

 

Now I am not talking about established couples that are temporarily separated due to work or military service or school etc.

 

But people who are inlove with words and pictures on a computer screen or a voice on the phone are deluding themselves and wasting time and energy they could be spending on finding a real relationship.

 

Now that's not saying that the person on the other end of the phone or on the computer may not be a great person and a compatable match.

 

But what I am saying is that unless people take the action of getting themselves together in the same place at the same time in the physical world, it is all just fantasy and hope and wishful thinking at best and a delusion at worst.

 

The only LDRs that can be considered "successful" are the ones that are no longer LDRs and are now relationships in the present, physical world.

 

Oldshirt, do you also believe that the only "successful" marriages are those that survive 'until death do us part"?

 

Any relationship, whether that be a friendship, a romantic relationship (married or not) or a business partnership, is as successful as the people involved believe (or feel) it to be.

 

Not all relationships are the same and nor should they be. We all have different needs and different desires and different ways of living our lives and, in my opinion, it's not for anyone to judge anyone else's choices - provided they are not causing harm of course.

 

With LDRs you have two extremes. At one end are those who have never met and communicate only 'virtually' but believe themselves to be in a relationship and fantasise about their imaginary SO and an imagined future. At the other end are people who are very much together and completely committed, but temporarily separated due to work or other circumstances. Then there are all the LDRs that fall somewhere in between.

 

In my own LDR we met online and made it 'real' after only two months, and we now live our lives as a married couple who, because of current financial constraints and government laws, are only able to live together for a limited time each year. However, I don't see my relationship as any more 'successful' than someone who only sees their SO for a weekend every few weeks. That's not for me to judge.

 

LDRs are really no different from other relationships in their variety. Some couples date for a while, then move in together, then get married and then have children. Some couples do it all in a different order. Others skip the 'children' part, or skip the 'marriage' part or even skip the 'moving in together' part. Who are we to say which constitutes a 'successful' relationship?

 

I believe there is only one criteria that defines a 'successful' relationship (LDR or not) - if the couple is 'happy' then their relationship is successful - and it will continue to be successful 'until it's not'.

[LittleTiger]

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

 

Not true at all. Love doesn't conquer anything. Love is just a feeling.

 

The only thing that conquers anything is taking action.

 

Returning to the original question (sorry my last post may have wandered OT), no, love doesn't 'conquer all' but neither is love 'just a feeling'.

 

In my opinion love is both a feeling and an action or, more specifically, love creates the action.

 

It's love that drives LDRers to take action to be together in the first place; it's love that drives the behaviours that will keep the relationship going through sometimes long periods of separation and it's love that holds everything together when the going gets really tough.

 

Love by itself will not override all the problems that are specific to LDRs, but it is both the catalyst needed to kick start the endeavour, and the 'grease' that will, hopefully, keep things running smoothly.

 

ES, if your primary relationship goal is to live with someone and start a family asap, an LDR may not be worth it for you. However, if your goal is finding a partner who is 'the best fit', an LDR is worth considering. If 'Mr Right' happens to live a distance away, you will both find a way to make it work - for as long as you want it to - if not, he isn't Mr Right'

[Million.to.1]

I say "yes"!!! and concur with TigerLily, Elswyth and Careth on their points made.

 

- as long as the "A" plan is to close that distance gap.

 

 

I certainly wouldn't have chosen the LDR route, but that's how it had to be to eventually be with the man i truly loved.

 

All totally worth it.

[Els]

Oh, right, I didn't answer the damn question.

 

I have certainly never regretted staying in my LDR.

 

I was in another one that didn't work out, before (we spent about a year together IRL then held out for a few months LD before we called it quits) and I don't regret that either, honestly. It taught me a lot about myself and what I needed in a R.

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, do you also believe that the only "successful" marriages are those that survive 'until death do us part"?

 

Any relationship, whether that be a friendship, a romantic relationship (married or not) or a business partnership, is as successful as the people involved believe (or feel) it to be.

 

Not all relationships are the same and nor should they be. We all have different needs and different desires and different ways of living our lives and, in my opinion, it's not for anyone to judge anyone else's choices - provided they are not causing harm of course.

 

With LDRs you have two extremes. At one end are those who have never met and communicate only 'virtually' but believe themselves to be in a relationship and fantasise about their imaginary SO and an imagined future. At the other end are people who are very much together and completely committed, but temporarily separated due to work or other circumstances. Then there are all the LDRs that fall somewhere in between.

 

In my own LDR we met online and made it 'real' after only two months, and we now live our lives as a married couple who, because of current financial constraints and government laws, are only able to live together for a limited time each year. However, I don't see my relationship as any more 'successful' than someone who only sees their SO for a weekend every few weeks. That's not for me to judge.

 

LDRs are really no different from other relationships in their variety. Some couples date for a while, then move in together, then get married and then have children. Some couples do it all in a different order. Others skip the 'children' part, or skip the 'marriage' part or even skip the 'moving in together' part. Who are we to say which constitutes a 'successful' relationship?

 

I believe there is only one criteria that defines a 'successful' relationship (LDR or not) - if the couple is 'happy' then their relationship is successful - and it will continue to be successful 'until it's not'.

 

As I said in my first post, if a couple is already an established couple and get temporarily separated for some reason, that is different.

 

My main point with LDRs, especially for those that met online is that it is all fantasy and smoke and mirrors. It's not real. It's not in the here and now. It's not in person. It's snakeoil soothing someone's desire for a real relationship.

 

My biggest concern with it is that when people are in the moment cyberchatting with their LD lover is that they ARE happy and content and they are sitting there being occupied by a glowing rectangle rather than interacting with a real flesh and blood person in real life.

 

It's kind of lot smoking pot. Smoking pot feels good and probably doesn't really hurt anyone but it makes you perfectly happy to just sit there and eat chocolate instead of getting out and accomplishing things in the real world.

 

LDRs are the same way. They can make you feel like you are in love and are loved but it's a delusion. the other person isn't there, they are across the country or across the globe. The problem with that is you are sitting there in front of a glowing rectangle instead of out meeting and interacting with flesh and blood women in the real physical world.

[Els]

 

LDRs are the same way. They can make you feel like you are in love and are loved but it's a delusion. the other person isn't there, they are across the country or across the globe. The problem with that is you are sitting there in front of a glowing rectangle instead of out meeting and interacting with flesh and blood women in the real physical world.

 

What happens when those two people who started out with 'glowing rectangles' meet IRL, still want to be together, the visit ends, and they're back to 'glowing rectangles'? What happens when they do that several times? And finally relocate?

 

Several people have met online, some even on LS, and a few relocated successfully and are still in LTRs or married to the person they met online.

 

Rarely is life ever so cut and dried. There are a myriad of ways to meet people, and one is not any better than the other.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Oldshirt, do you also believe that the only "successful" marriages are those that survive 'until death do us part"?

 

Any relationship, whether that be a friendship, a romantic relationship (married or not) or a business partnership, is as successful as the people involved believe (or feel) it to be.

 

Not all relationships are the same and nor should they be. We all have different needs and different desires and different ways of living our lives and, in my opinion, it's not for anyone to judge anyone else's choices - provided they are not causing harm of course.

 

With LDRs you have two extremes. At one end are those who have never met and communicate only 'virtually' but believe themselves to be in a relationship and fantasise about their imaginary SO and an imagined future. At the other end are people who are very much together and completely committed, but temporarily separated due to work or other circumstances. Then there are all the LDRs that fall somewhere in between.

 

In my own LDR we met online and made it 'real' after only two months, and we now live our lives as a married couple who, because of current financial constraints and government laws, are only able to live together for a limited time each year. However, I don't see my relationship as any more 'successful' than someone who only sees their SO for a weekend every few weeks. That's not for me to judge.

 

LDRs are really no different from other relationships in their variety. Some couples date for a while, then move in together, then get married and then have children. Some couples do it all in a different order. Others skip the 'children' part, or skip the 'marriage' part or even skip the 'moving in together' part. Who are we to say which constitutes a 'successful' relationship?

 

I believe there is only one criteria that defines a 'successful' relationship (LDR or not) - if the couple is 'happy' then their relationship is successful - and it will continue to be successful 'until it's not'.

 

I agree with both of you to some capacity. He doesn't mean your relationship isn't authentic or real nor is he discrediting your "feelings," but you cannot say a long distance relationship "was successful" without transitioning into the real world where the distance is behind you. Once you pass that hump and are in the same place at the same time and still maintain the relationship at a close proximity, then it can be deemed on a practical level "a success" because it passed the test of the distance obstacle. Granted you can break up for reasons other than distance.

 

And also logically, yes a marriage is only "successful" if it does reach a death departure; this is logical. Divorce is not a sign of success. A "successful failed marriage?" I think not...

 

I do believe that love is more than just a feeling; both feelings AND actions. However in my little logical mind for me love is actions that lead me to have feelings but for most is feelings that drive actions.

Edited October 31, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[oldshirt]

What happens when those two people who started out with 'glowing rectangles' meet IRL, still want to be together, the visit ends, and they're back to 'glowing rectangles'? What happens when they do that several times? And finally relocate?

 

Several people have met online, some even on LS, and a few relocated successfully and are still in LTRs or married to the person they met online.

 

Rarely is life ever so cut and dried. There are a myriad of ways to meet people, and one is not any better than the other.

 

Again, as I said in my first post, a "successful' LDR is one that ends as an LDR and the people come together in the same place at the same time and have a real relationship in the physical world. An LDR is only successful when the LD part ends. Therefor by definition an LDR is not successful. It's unfinished business.

 

If people are making forward progress towards coming together in the physical world with the end goal to be together as a real couple in a real relationship, I have no issue with that.

 

The problem is when people substitute an LDR for a real relationship.

 

I have no problem with people having pen pals in their spare time as long as they are out meeting people and interacting with people looking for a BF/GF/SO/mate/spouse in the real world. It's when people take themselves off the market and are no longer looking in the real world that's the problem.

[oldshirt]

I agree with both of you to some capacity. He doesn't mean your relationship isn't authentic or real nor is he discrediting your "feelings," but you cannot say a long distance relationship "was successful" without transitioning into the real world where the distance is behind you. Once you pass that hump and are in the same place at the same time and still maintain the relationship at a close proximity, then it can be deemed on a practical level "a success" because it passed the test of the distance obstacle. Granted you can break up for reasons other than distance.

 

 

I agree with you there.

[oldshirt]

 

And also logically, yes a marriage is only "successful" if it does reach a death departure; this is logical. Divorce is not a sign of success. A "successful failed marriage?" I think not...

 

And disagree with you here.

 

this probably should be a separate topic but ....

 

"till death do us part" is a romantic notion that has ruined many lives for the living.

 

A marriage that ends in divorce can be much more successful than a marriage that drags on making people miserable until one of them dies.

 

If a couple has a real love, gets married, raises some healthy, well-adjusted and well prepared children. Maintains a safe, healthy and happy home to raise the children in and over the years the mutual love, respect and compassion fades and they mutually agree to continue to coparent and support the children and agree to remain civil and respectful to each other and dissolve the marriage BEFORE it breaks down into adultery, abandonment, abuse etc etc etc and both people move on and continue to live happy, healthy lives - just not as a married couple.

 

.....how is that not successful????????????

 

 

How is that less successful than two people living in a constant state of disappointment, dissatisfaction and despair for several more decades until one dies?