LDR - worth it or not?

[nomadic_butterfly]

Again, as I said in my first post, a "successful' LDR is one that ends as an LDR and the people come together in the same place at the same time and have a real relationship in the physical world. An LDR is only successful when the LD part ends. Therefor by definition an LDR is not successful. It's unfinished business.

 

If people are making forward progress towards coming together in the physical world with the end goal to be together as a real couple in a real relationship, I have no issue with that.

 

The problem is when people substitute an LDR for a real relationship.

 

I have no problem with people having pen pals in their spare time as long as they are out meeting people and interacting with people looking for a BF/GF/SO/mate/spouse in the real world. It's when people take themselves off the market and are no longer looking in the real world that's the problem.

 

I agree with the first part, but the second is kind of extreme. For instance, my mom and I immigrated to America when I was just a tot and though my dad proposed while she was pregnant way before she was coming to the US, they didn't get married until I was about 3 1/2, about a year and a half after we came to the US. They had to be long distance for that year and a half and of course their relationship was authentic. I'm 26 now and they are still married.

 

If you have a real world foundation and have to be apart for a while, then it is very real. Why would someone after say, 3 years together and then let's say one person is studying abroad for a year, just give up on the relationship unless they just flat out weren't ready to settle down or didn't see a future with that specific partner?

 

If my potential situation works out while he gets his visa sorted, if when we meet in the coming months we hit it off I am very much willing to wait. He will know within the next several months a better estimate of when he will be here more specifically as the visa bulletins get updated. There is an end in sight.

 

I do however, have limitations and boundaries. Because we met online, I will not be willing to put my life on hold should there be a hiccup and let's say we would have to wait until 2015 to establish a relationship. If I thought from the beginning it would take more than 6 months I wouldn't have bothered. But life happens, and I have my own specific limit and yes until we meet for real in the coming months I am dating locally. However, if we had already met and hit it off, I would have waited for a certain period of time. It's easy to say what one would or wouldn't do hypothetically but then when one comes head to head with the situation, his/her mind might change about it. Especially if you met someone like none other and there is a reasonable (as determined by the two people) end date in mind.

[Els]

I agree with both of you to some capacity. He doesn't mean your relationship isn't authentic or real nor is he discrediting your "feelings,"

 

Honestly, I have no personal stake in this. My LDR closed the gap 3 years ago, and we've been together since. I do, however, think that the 2.5 years in which we were LD were no more or less 'real' than the 3 years after we closed the gap. That was mostly the part I was disputing, I think - where he says that only interaction in the 'real physical world' counts. It really isn't the only thing that counts, IMO. The memories and interactions we had during the LD portion of our R contributed their own bit to the strength of our R alongside the moments we had in the 'real physical world'.

 

I also think it's a bit odd for him to describe LDRs as a 'band aid', to be honest. LDRs are typically harder to maintain than the average R, so if one were to truly just desire a 'band aid' for their loneliness without truly wanting to be in an R with that person, it stands to reason that casual dating or FWBs would be the more attractive option, not a LDR.

 

but you cannot say a long distance relationship "was successful" without transitioning into the real world where the distance is behind you. Once you pass that hump and are in the same place at the same time and still maintain the relationship at a close proximity, then it can be deemed on a practical level "a success" because it passed the test of the distance obstacle. Granted you can break up for reasons other than distance.

 

And also logically, yes a marriage is only "successful" if it does reach a death departure; this is logical. Divorce is not a sign of success. A "successful failed marriage?" I think not...

 

I do believe that love is more than just a feeling; both feelings AND actions. However in my little logical mind for me love is actions that lead me to have feelings but for most is feelings that drive actions.

 

I think what LT means is that 'success' is an ongoing thing. If two people have been together for 10 years and very happy, I'd tell them they were a huge success. Don't need to wait til one of them dies to prove it, yeah?

 

Again, as I said in my first post, a "successful' LDR is one that ends as an LDR and the people come together in the same place at the same time and have a real relationship in the physical world. An LDR is only successful when the LD part ends. Therefor by definition an LDR is not successful. It's unfinished business.

 

We seem to differ on what a 'real relationship' entails.

 

If people are making forward progress towards coming together in the physical world with the end goal to be together as a real couple in a real relationship, I have no issue with that.

 

The problem is when people substitute an LDR for a real relationship.

 

I agree with this, but this is a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

 

I have no problem with people having pen pals in their spare time as long as they are out meeting people and interacting with people looking for a BF/GF/SO/mate/spouse in the real world. It's when people take themselves off the market and are no longer looking in the real world that's the problem.

 

Do you mean before the first meet? Or even after that?

Edited October 31, 2013 by Elswyth

[oldshirt]

I agree with the first part, but the second is kind of extreme. For instance, my mom and I immigrated to America when I was just a tot and though my dad proposed while she was pregnant way before she was coming to the US, they didn't get married until I was about 3 1/2, about a year and a half after we came to the US. They had to be long distance for that year and a half and of course their relationship was authentic. I'm 26 now and they are still married.

 

If you have a real world foundation and have to be apart for a while, then it is very real. Why would someone after say, 3 years together and then let's say one person is studying abroad for a year, just give up on the relationship unless they just flat out weren't ready to settle down or didn't see a future with that specific partner?

 

Last time I say it then I'll let it go, if a couple has established a relationship in the real physical world and are separated temporarily for some legitimate reason, then it's all good.

 

In this case if they had a relationship and had children together then it is perfectly legit to try to maintain an LDR until they can be together again.

[oldshirt]

 

If my potential situation works out while he gets his visa sorted, if when we meet in the coming months we hit it off I am very much willing to wait. He will know within the next several months a better estimate of when he will be here more specifically as the visa bulletins get updated. There is an end in sight.

 

I do however, have limitations and boundaries. Because we met online, I will not be willing to put my life on hold should there be a hiccup and let's say we would have to wait until 2015 to establish a relationship. If I thought from the beginning it would take more than 6 months I wouldn't have bothered. But life happens, and I have my own specific limit and yes until we meet for real in the coming months I am dating locally. However, if we had already met and hit it off, I would have waited for a certain period of time. It's easy to say what one would or wouldn't do hypothetically but then when one comes head to head with the situation, his/her mind might change about it. Especially if you met someone like none other and there is a reasonable (as determined by the two people) end date in mind.

 

Just a quick question - by any chance is this some form of an arrainged partnership? There may be some cultural practices at play here that change up the playing field a little bit.

[LittleTiger]

As I said in my first post, if a couple is already an established couple and get temporarily separated for some reason, that is different.

 

My main point with LDRs, especially for those that met online is that it is all fantasy and smoke and mirrors. It's not real. It's not in the here and now. It's not in person. It's snakeoil soothing someone's desire for a real relationship.

 

My biggest concern with it is that when people are in the moment cyberchatting with their LD lover is that they ARE happy and content and they are sitting there being occupied by a glowing rectangle rather than interacting with a real flesh and blood person in real life.

 

It's kind of lot smoking pot. Smoking pot feels good and probably doesn't really hurt anyone but it makes you perfectly happy to just sit there and eat chocolate instead of getting out and accomplishing things in the real world.

 

LDRs are the same way. They can make you feel like you are in love and are loved but it's a delusion. the other person isn't there, they are across the country or across the globe. The problem with that is you are sitting there in front of a glowing rectangle instead of out meeting and interacting with flesh and blood women in the real physical world.

 

Two points here:

 

1. What right have we to say that someone shouldn't spend their life getting high on pot or sitting around eating chocolate - if that's what makes them happy. It might not be your choice of lifestyle, it certainly isn't mine, but what other people accomplish 'in the real world' is their own business.

 

2. You are viewing LDRs entirely from your own standpoint and assuming that everybody should want your 'definition' of a relationship. I'm not referring to my own relationship here because, even by your definition our relationship is 'real' but who says that long distance 'love' is a delusion or a fantasy? 'Who says that you have to live around the corner from one another and spend physical time together 'at least once a week', or whatever your criteria is, before your feelings for one another can be considered genuine? I really don't understand your logic.

 

I have close friends and even family members who, because of distance, I have spent very little time with in all the time I have known them. Just because I can't physically touch them most of the time, it doesn't mean they are any less important to me than the friends I socialise with on a more regular basis. In reality it's actually the reverse.

[oldshirt]

 

That was mostly the part I was disputing, I think - where he says that only interaction in the 'real physical world' counts. It really isn't the only thing that counts, IMO.

 

The memories and interactions we had during the LD portion of our R contributed their own bit to the strength of our R alongside the moments we had in the 'real physical world'.

 

I also think it's a bit odd for him to describe LDRs as a 'band aid', to be honest. LDRs are typically harder to maintain than the average R, so if one were to truly just desire a 'band aid' for their loneliness without truly wanting to be in an R with that person, it stands to reason that casual dating or FWBs would be the more attractive option, not a LDR.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes we differ on what we think is "real." In your case it worked out (ie you were able to relocate so that it was no longer LD) but in countless other instances, people aren't able to bridge that gap or when they do finally come together in the physical world the R fizzles out because they can't interact well together in the physical world.

 

now this is just one guys opinion but IMHO when an LDR doesn't work out or if the R falls apart in short order once people do relocate to be together, that whole time spent is the LDR is just time wasted and pi$$ed away. It had no real value.

 

Read on...

 

And the reason for that is also why I have been calling LDRs Bandaids and snakeoil.

 

The reason I have no faith in LDRs is because people can say anything and be anything from behind a keyboard. People can measure their responses, they can wait hours to think of a good reply to txt. They can sort through dozens or even hundreds of selfies or other pictures of themselves and crop and photoshop the pictures they present as themselves.

 

(and let's not even get into the whole "CATFISH" type situations where people are completely and intentionally fraudulent)

 

Behind a keyboard people can present only the best, most well thought-out versions of themselves. They can edit and screen themselves to the nth degree and only present what they think the other will want to hear.

 

Skype and Facetime may show facial expressions and voice inflections but theres no body language, no day to day real world interactions. You are only seeing what the other person wants you to see and you are only presenting yourself what you want the other person to see of you.

 

It's a virtual presence, it's not real human to human interaction.

 

I do agree with you that for SOME people an LDR IS truly more challenging and harder. But for a number of other people an electronic, keyboard-based medium is a million times easier. And the problem is, those are the people where a silicon-based relationship IS a substitute for a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in the here and now.

 

These are the people that can cyber-chat with someone 5,000 miles away and present themselves as the world's coolest person but they can't have a face to face conversation with a carbon-based human 3 feet away.

 

The people that need to get out and interact with other real people the most are the ones that sit for hours pounding away at a keyboard infront of a glowing rectangle.

 

The real catch is that for those people when that cyber-based LDR dries up or fades away like a fart in the wind, they are just sitting there by themselves in their Mom's basement. These aren't the kind of guys or gals that just go out and get FWBs or casual dates on a whim.

 

These are the people that are getting sold snakeoil to sooth their needs for human touch and interaction. They are being sold a bill of goods that ISN'T REAL.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Just a quick question - by any chance is this some form of an arrainged partnership? There may be some cultural practices at play here that change up the playing field a little bit.

 

Nope. I had quit online dating since mid 2011 and remembered I had forgotten to delete one particular profile at the end of 2012. The moment I was about to press "delete" I had mail and I liked his profile and pics. I was bored so I entertained the convo. It turns out (IF what he has told me and shown me so far is accurate), I have never had that much in common past, present, and future plans with anyone. It also just so happened after talking he told me he was moving to LA and that's where I was moving to after moving back to US after living in Europe. I met him like 6 weeks after I left Europe interestingly enough, and he lived close to London where I was.

 

Basically he was coming on one kind of visa I think business/tourist visa and thought he'd be here by the summer. Then in May he won the visa lottery so it delayed things and he already used up the two year visa he had on his ex when he lived in LA for 6 months, back in EU for 6 months and that visa route was closed in 2013. I was conflicted sometimes so when it got to be too much for me I told him to contact when he was actually here...and then we kinda missed each other so we started communicating again and are working towards a winter meet-up. I couldn't leave the country to visit him either while I was job hunting for a while and after I got a job, I of course had to wait at least 5 months to accumulate the time off to take a week off. He is doing a mission trip in Africa soon so we will meet after that.

Edited October 31, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[LittleTiger]

........you cannot say a long distance relationship "was successful" without transitioning into the real world where the distance is behind you. Once you pass that hump and are in the same place at the same time and still maintain the relationship at a close proximity, then it can be deemed on a practical level "a success" because it passed the test of the distance obstacle. Granted you can break up for reasons other than distance.

 

And also logically, yes a marriage is only "successful" if it does reach a death departure; this is logical. Divorce is not a sign of success. A "successful failed marriage?" I think not...

 

I do believe that love is more than just a feeling; both feelings AND actions. However in my little logical mind for me love is actions that lead me to have feelings but for most is feelings that drive actions.

 

I completely disagree with what you've said here and I don't think your arguments are logical.

 

You say that a 'successful marriage' is one that lasts 'until death do us part'. Then you say that a 'successful LDR' is one that lasts beyond the distance - presumably regardless of whether it lasts until death?

 

To me, relationships are personal to the people involved, so the success of any relationship is determined only by the people within that relationship and by their own definition of success.

[LittleTiger]

Yes we differ on what we think is "real." In your case it worked out (ie you were able to relocate so that it was no longer LD) but in countless other instances, people aren't able to bridge that gap or when they do finally come together in the physical world the R fizzles out because they can't interact well together in the physical world.

 

now this is just one guys opinion but IMHO when an LDR doesn't work out or if the R falls apart in short order once people do relocate to be together, that whole time spent is the LDR is just time wasted and pi$$ed away. It had no real value.

 

Read on...

 

And the reason for that is also why I have been calling LDRs Bandaids and snakeoil.

 

The reason I have no faith in LDRs is because people can say anything and be anything from behind a keyboard. People can measure their responses, they can wait hours to think of a good reply to txt. They can sort through dozens or even hundreds of selfies or other pictures of themselves and crop and photoshop the pictures they present as themselves.

 

(and let's not even get into the whole "CATFISH" type situations where people are completely and intentionally fraudulent)

 

Behind a keyboard people can present only the best, most well thought-out versions of themselves. They can edit and screen themselves to the nth degree and only present what they think the other will want to hear.

 

Skype and Facetime may show facial expressions and voice inflections but theres no body language, no day to day real world interactions. You are only seeing what the other person wants you to see and you are only presenting yourself what you want the other person to see of you.

 

It's a virtual presence, it's not real human to human interaction.

 

I do agree with you that for SOME people an LDR IS truly more challenging and harder. But for a number of other people an electronic, keyboard-based medium is a million times easier. And the problem is, those are the people where a silicon-based relationship IS a substitute for a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in the here and now.

 

These are the people that can cyber-chat with someone 5,000 miles away and present themselves as the world's coolest person but they can't have a face to face conversation with a carbon-based human 3 feet away.

 

The people that need to get out and interact with other real people the most are the ones that sit for hours pounding away at a keyboard infront of a glowing rectangle.

 

The real catch is that for those people when that cyber-based LDR dries up or fades away like a fart in the wind, they are just sitting there by themselves in their Mom's basement. These aren't the kind of guys or gals that just go out and get FWBs or casual dates on a whim.

 

These are the people that are getting sold snakeoil to sooth their needs for human touch and interaction. They are being sold a bill of goods that ISN'T REAL.

 

What you're talking about here is LDRs where the people haven't actually met, or have spent next to no time in one another's company and, in that situation, I would agree with you. However, this is only one example of a LDR. There are many examples, on LS alone, where the couple goes backwards and forwards for a long period until they can close the distance - and that's a whole different ball game from the one you're talking about here.

 

Personally, I disagree that any time in a relationship of any sort is ever 'wasted'. If a relationship ends, we can learn what we need to learn, grow as human beings and then move on to something better. It's all just part of the rich tapestry of life.

Edited October 31, 2013 by LittleTiger

[nomadic_butterfly]

I completely disagree with what you've said here and I don't think your arguments are logical.

 

You say that a 'successful marriage' is one that lasts 'until death do us part'. Then you say that a 'successful LDR' is one that lasts beyond the distance - presumably regardless of whether it lasts until death?

 

To me, relationships are personal to the people involved, so the success of any relationship is determined only by the people within that relationship and by their own definition of success.

 

A long distance relationship does not have to result in marriage. Everyone does not have the goal of becoming married and many don't believe in it. For some life partners suffice. Also, if you have a LDR for lets say 3 yrs and then end up in the same place at the same time in close proximity for 3 more years, yes the Long Distance aspect of the relationship was successful in my opinion. If a LDR never transitions into the real world successfully then I do not deem it successful and that is my opinion. I don't agree with your opinion but nonetheless I respect it because we are all entitled to one. I've never seen anyone refer to a "successful marriage" as one that is not still in progress; you may have had different experiences and this is understandable. Usually people say we've been "successfully married for 30 yrs, etc."

[LittleTiger]

A long distance relationship does not have to result in marriage. Everyone does not have the goal of becoming married and many don't believe in it. For some life partners suffice. Also, if you have a LDR for lets say 3 yrs and then end up in the same place at the same time in close proximity for 3 more years, yes the Long Distance aspect of the relationship was successful in my opinion. If a LDR never transitions into the real world successfully then I do not deem it successful and that is my opinion. I don't agree with your opinion but nonetheless I respect it because we are all entitled to one. I've never seen anyone refer to a "successful marriage" as one that is not still in progress; you may have had different experiences and this is understandable. Usually people say we've been "successfully married for 30 yrs, etc."

 

That's just my point. If that couple who had been 'successfully married for 30 yrs' then gets divorced after 35 or 40 years, that doesn't negate the successful years of their marriage. I'm divorced but, when I was married, my marriage was a happy one, and therefore successful, for most of the time we were together. If you ask any happily married couple on this site whether they consider their marriage a success, they will tell you 'yes'. Many of those currently happy people will get divorced at some point in the future, but that doesn't mean their marriage is not successful here and now.

 

LDRs are no different. I don't need to defend my own relationship but it may help you to understand what I'm saying if I use it to illustrate my point. My fiancé and I consider our LDR to be very successful because we are both happy and enjoying the relationship. We've lived together for over twelve months in the four years since we met online and our time together is as successful as our time apart. Due to the nature of his work, it's very likely that we'll continue to live apart at least 50% of the time until he retires.

 

What you seem to be telling me is that our current relationship cannot be called 'successful' until at least three years after he has retired and we have lived together full time. By then we will have been in a happy, loving, supportive, romantic, passionate and deeply fulfilling relationship for over twenty-five years - and you still want me to accept that it can't be considered 'successful' because it doesn't fit your definition of how a 'real' 'successful' relationship should be.

 

Obviously we are all entitled to our own opinion, but you are placing arbitrary time frames and formats on other people's relationships. If you're willing to accept that not everybody wants to get married and that, for some, 'life partners will suffice'. Can you not also see that for others a long term or even permanent LDR might suffice? Or a series of short term romantic interludes might suffice? Or even a completely virtual relationship might suffice?

 

The reason I'm continuing to press this point is because I used to think that 'online relationships' weren't 'real' - at least not until the people had met IRL. Now though, I'm not so sure. Life has thrown me a few severely 'curved balls' over the past year or so and my whole perspective has changed. We don't know what the future holds so we should all grab whatever happiness we can, however that happiness presents itself. If that means a whirlwind online romance that never leads to anything concrete, so be it. If it makes two people happy, even just for a short while then, to me, it's a great success and is definitely 'worth it'.

[Els]

 

These are the people that are getting sold snakeoil to sooth their needs for human touch and interaction. They are being sold a bill of goods that ISN'T REAL.

 

Well, yes, that does happen to some, especially prior to the first meeting. That being said, it's analogous to the early stages of dating, IMO. There have been people who have gone out on dates for months, only to find out pretty horrific things about their partner later on. Or one person puts the other on a pedestal and refuses to see the glowing red flags in front of them. The risk goes down the longer they get to know each other, but it still happens, sometimes even after years of interaction.

 

So yes, if a person has lied about themselves in a LDR (or in a real-life R...), the relationship probably was not 'real', in the sense that the lied-to person was interacting with a fantasy (although their feelings were still real, arguably). That is a byproduct of lies and delusions, though. Not the byproduct of distance. Distance makes it more easy to lie and subject oneself to delusions (which is why many of us encourage meeting for the first time ASAP), but the two aren't necessarily always correlated.

 

now this is just one guys opinion but IMHO when an LDR doesn't work out or if the R falls apart in short order once people do relocate to be together, that whole time spent is the LDR is just time wasted and pi$$ed away. It had no real value.

 

We have to agree to disagree about this. Going by this logic, if two people break up with zero chance of reconciliation, the time spent in their R was 'time wasted and pi$$ed away', too. Some people view it that way (which is a valid viewpoint), but LDRs hold no monopoly over that.

Edited November 1, 2013 by Elswyth

[oldshirt]

 

We have to agree to disagree about this. Going by this logic, if two people break up with zero chance of reconciliation, the time spent in their R was 'time wasted and pi$$ed away', too. Some people view it that way (which is a valid viewpoint), but LDRs hold no monopoly over that.

 

Yes we have differing opinions and that's cool.

 

However I do not think it is really and apples to apples comparison to compare a failed LDR R with a failed RL R.

 

In short, the real life R is....well... real. You are doing things together, experiencing things in the real world together, getting to know the 'real' person, cuddling on the couch watching a spooky movie, running errands together, having sex! the list goes on and on.

 

In a RL R you are getting to know the real person, having real life experiences with them and interacting with the real person. If one or both realizes it's not working out and the R ends THAT'S FAIR. They made a decision based on reality. It was a real R while it was going on.

 

In an LDR it's two people that are really nothing more than electronic pen pals and the interaction is only what each person is presenting themselves as.

 

If that goes belly up the only thing they'll have to show for it is hours spent in front of a computer screen. and those hours could have (should have IMHO) been spent out in the real world interacting with real people and finding someone who is really there for you.

[Kate9292]

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

 

Not for me. I have enough temptations as it is.

 

30 mins to an hour would be doable for me.

[HeavenOrHell]

For me it depends on how often I could see my partner, how strong our feelings for each other are, how far away we are from each other, ie I am phobic about flying, so that's one major cut off point for me, friend zoned from the start, and how good the communication day to day.

 

I've been in an LDR since April 2010, that's when we first met face to face after 3 months communication. We meet on average every 6-8 weeks for 4 days to 16 days at a time, on average it's a week each time.

Any less than this and it wouldn't work for me.

I'm one of the few people in a long term LDR who has no end in sight, but it's still worth it for our visits and what we share day to day and feeling them in your heart.

 

I don't want to stop it and look for someone closer to home as I feel our r/ship is worth it despite the phases we have which aren't so easy.

 

Bottom line for me is if the misery of missing them, and all the problems which can come with an LDR outweighs the happiness you feel then it's not worth it. But even then it's not so easy to walk away.

 

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

[d0nnivain]

First there's a difference between OLRs & LDRs.

 

To me, an online relationship is one where you have never met IRL & all of your contact is online, skype or phone. That would never be enough for me. I couldn't even get to the love part because I don't have it in me to fall in love with somebody I have never met. I'm skeptical of people who say they can so if I ended up "meeting" somebody like that I wouldn't believe them if they said they loved me.

 

To be successful, an LDR has to have an end in sight. I dated a guy who moved from the east coast of the US to the west coast. We saw each other every 3 months & managed to stay together for about a year. We had been working toward me moving there but I got fed up with some other things in his life & ended the relationship. The distance isn't what killed us.

 

To have a successful LDR you must have trust & you must have ways to stay connected. It's not just about love. It's hard work.

[HeavenOrHell]

Mine doesn't have an end in sight, we have bad phases because of the distance, but I wouldn't call it unsuccessful, even if we split tomorrow, we've shared a lot of love and had some wonderful times together.

Was my 18 year r/ship unsuccessful because it ended after 18 years?

Plenty of r/ships end LD or not.

 

 

 

To be successful, an LDR has to have an end in sight. I dated a guy who moved from the east coast of the US to the west coast. We saw each other every 3 months & managed to stay together for about a year. We had been working toward me moving there but I got fed up with some other things in his life & ended the relationship. The distance isn't what killed us.

 

To have a successful LDR you must have trust & you must have ways to stay connected. It's not just about love. It's hard work.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm assuming the question was based on r/ships where you actually meet the person, rather than being an online fantasy where you've spent no time with them, and have no idea how you would feel in real life?

[LittleTiger]

In short, the real life R is....well... real. You are doing things together, experiencing things in the real world together, getting to know the 'real' person, cuddling on the couch watching a spooky movie, running errands together, having sex! the list goes on and on.

 

People in LDRs do this too.

 

In a RL R you are getting to know the real person, having real life experiences with them and interacting with the real person. If one or both realizes it's not working out and the R ends THAT'S FAIR. They made a decision based on reality. It was a real R while it was going on.

 

This is also true for most LDRs.

 

In an LDR it's two people that are really nothing more than electronic pen pals and the interaction is only what each person is presenting themselves as.

 

If that goes belly up the only thing they'll have to show for it is hours spent in front of a computer screen.

 

This doesn't sound like a LDR. It sounds like a 'virtual' relationship which is a very different thing.

[HeavenOrHell]

You seem to be leaving out the majority of LDR's which aren't those who lived closer and then moved away temporarily cos of work or whatever, and aren't those purely online/phone relationships where they've never met in the flesh, you're missing out those of us who met online originally but who met face to face and continue to meet as often as possible, sure as hell feels real to me.

 

 

 

 

Yes we have differing opinions and that's cool.

 

However I do not think it is really and apples to apples comparison to compare a failed LDR R with a failed RL R.

 

In short, the real life R is....well... real. You are doing things together, experiencing things in the real world together, getting to know the 'real' person, cuddling on the couch watching a spooky movie, running errands together, having sex! the list goes on and on.

 

In a RL R you are getting to know the real person, having real life experiences with them and interacting with the real person. If one or both realizes it's not working out and the R ends THAT'S FAIR. They made a decision based on reality. It was a real R while it was going on.

 

In an LDR it's two people that are really nothing more than electronic pen pals and the interaction is only what each person is presenting themselves as.

 

If that goes belly up the only thing they'll have to show for it is hours spent in front of a computer screen. and those hours could have (should have IMHO) been spent out in the real world interacting with real people and finding someone who is really there for you.

[justwhoiam]

I'm curious on people's opinion on this.

 

I still have this maybe naive view that "love conquers all".

 

How true is this?

Definitely true.

 

The problem is: it takes two. So in order for it to work you need to find someone as commited as you, as in love as you are, with the same faith it will work, not giving up along the way, etc.