Can I stop him sleeping with new woman, just this weekend?

[Arabellad25]

Hi I hope you guys can give me some advice?

 

Here's the story... Sorry it's so complicated.

 

i came to this city to build a career & get over a bad break up.. i built my life up, had a fantastic high paid job i was very good at and got on brilliantly with my colleagues & boss. Im an attractive fun social person & i felt great.. i had achieved what i came here to do

 

3 years in i started dating a colleague named T. he had a bit of a rep with women so i didnt want to get serious, it was just some fun as i hadnt been in a relationship for a long time & eventually he persuaded me to get more serious & then it all went very wrong.

 

I've explained below just to give you an idea of why im feeling so bad now.. But Im a pretty switched on person & understand I shouldn't have stayed with him, I know I have made bad choices.. I know all of that.

 

Ok so he had an ex he was trying to let go of slowly.. i found out when i got suspicious about something id seen and asked him outright.. he didnt give me answers so i went to her & she told me he would still see her occasionally. due to some very bizaar circumstances & the fact she was an ex client of the companies that had a sting in her tail ( i wasnt aware of this when contacting her although he had every opportunity to do so, knowing I was going to email her ) eventually we lost us our very highly paid jobs because of it. Theres a lot more to it...He had a web of lies going on with a few exes & was trying to keep everything under wraps & everyone happy.. Anonymous mails were being sent about him which i know were false... it was awful. thats how we lost our jobs...it back fired on him big style. Now I was furious, it was humiliating, I was involved in the most messed up situation ever..we were in a mess & had lost our jobs..I had known he used to b a bit of a player so i wasn't surprised by it all but just in complete shock we had lost our jobs... i stuck up for him to my colleagues & boss when we were confronted as i could see he had been trying to keep the situation at bay & let every one down slowly ( silly men ) anyway it was that attitude that I think lost me my job. After that i let him persuade me that he just wanted to be with me. He did everything he could to earn my trust.. We went to the police regarding anonymous emails & for the next year or so we were very serious. I obviously had trust issues but he helped with that... I grew to love him a lot.. We got new jobs & carried on..

 

18 months on & we had a silly argument which escalated... and the past 3 months since have been hell. I have been pathetic & rediculess. I've been through all the motions of a break up 10 fold. Mental texts and emails, mixed emotions, over anylising everything, begging, anger, hate, frustration... All in an awful cycle. No self respect at all. Eugh it makes me shudder. He came back so many times but never properly which just fuelled my angst. It always was a few nights here or there that somehow went wrong.. This was going on up until 2 weeks ago but my rediculess mission to get him back continued..

 

In this time i guess i lost myself, I was struggling in my still new job because I was so stressed & they noticed & eventually asked me what was up & said I wasn't the person they hired & I needed to think about things over the weekend. ( I don't blame them ). I was still a mess & After lots of thinking I'd decided id had enough, The job wasnt great & I felt I needed out of this life & I handed my notice in.

 

That leaves me to where I am today. I have now left.. I know my behaviour & desperate / angry / messed up attitude was pushing him away all along but I couldn't let go.. I decided.. I will keep trying with him for the next week or so & if nothing changes I need to leave.. To get out of this city.

 

That in itself is hard to deal with as I came here to make something of myself. I did that and I lost it all since meeting him, without him I'm left with a heap of crap to deal with,, the lies at the beginning, no job or reference from the way it all happened, and I have to face the reality that I've somehow acted pathetically & had no self respect at the end.. Yuck.

 

I'm a pretty switched on person, I know what a 3rd party would say to all of the above & I'm so angry at myself for letting this all happen.. However this is where it gets worse.. And this is what I'm here for help with...

 

I had received an anonymous email 2 days ago.. With a conversation between t and a colleague we both used to work with.. They were being pretty explicit. I had seen pictures ( naked ) she had sent and they had mentioned her visiting this city next weekend and what they would b doing to each other...

 

I felt sick.. Can you imagine? The reason it's so hard is I know her, we lost our jobs at that company and I defended him.. How can he do that knowing it will make me look such a fool... Haven't I looked stupid enough already?

 

Ok so I hate him for it, I understand I can't control what he does.. It's not my place to now & I need to move on.. & I will. As soon as i saw this i realised its over... But this is the issue I need to deal with now.

 

He said sorry & that he was just sending some flirty emails to build his confidence back up..( Sure he did) I'm just so scared for this weekend.. I can't stand the thought of them being together.. He knows how I feel, of course he does.. It's my last week here & can you imagine the torture I will feel fri and sat evening... He could re assure me if he wanted to but I'm not sure he will...

 

I know I need to stop contact & get him out of my life but can you guys tell me How do I deal with this weekend? At the moment I'm mad at him but still being friendly because its my only way of dealing with the weekend.

 

I feel like I can't stop contact until Monday because I need to know if they meet. It will kill me if they do but I need to know if he could b so cruel.. It may help me move past him. If his phones off on fri or sat eve I will be in bits.. & i just know I will contact him to find out... i really wish i could leave it but i need peace of mind..

 

Can you guys suggest any way of me dealing with this? I am so so hopeful he will understand & b kind to me by proving he is not with her & understanding how I will be feeling.. But of course I'm not sure that will be the case.

 

If anything goes Wrong & his phones off etc I will be an absolute mess... I hate him but I love him also..

 

This is so hard for me...

 

Any help so appreciated.

 

X

[man_in_the_box]

Can you guys suggest any way of me dealing with this?

 

Yeah, dump him. Why the hell are you ruining your life over this guy?

[Got it]

((((Arabellad))))))

 

I am sorry. To be honest, there isn't anything you can really do to stop his behavior. What you can do is work on how you will handle these actions, work on processing your emotions. I would go NC with him and grieve the relationship. Have you tried IC? Journaling can be helpful. But it seems like you may be dealing with codependency issues and are having trouble letting go of this toxic relationship that professional help and potentially ADs are in order. There is nothing wrong with getting help and getting healthy.

 

Please take care of yourself, try and stay busy this weekend, do something nice for yourself, and drink water (not alcohol!).

[Balzac]

You lost me at "lost high paid job" skimmed to "struggling w new job".

I hope you can fix your boundaries.

[Darren Steez]

So you lost a high paying job, which was not a great job?

 

You're switched on but you jeopardized whatever career you have (I'm sure for your next job you'll need some sort of references..I can't imagine your former employers will write up a favorable assessment.)

 

And all this for someone that was initially a bit of fun and still won't commit to you and is sleeping with other women possibly exposing you to the risk of disease?

 

Is this right? Is this you? What does this guy have? Magic sex? What is it that you crave so deeply from him? You had a bad previous breakup, seems like you're having another one now..what are the parallels between the two? Are they the same sort of guys.. or is it you? And yes you can be to blame because you're accepting nonsense and not cutting it off, so that's on you. Sorry to be harsh, I don't really do pity parties.

[SoleMate]

I know I need to stop contact & get him out of my life....

Yes, that is correct!

 

But [the anonymous email about sexy weekend] is the issue I need to deal with now.

No. The issue you need to deal with is fixing whatever the deep dysfunction is within you, that causes you to be hellbent on this self-destructive crusade to somehow stay connected to this person despite the fact that it isn't remotely working.

 

... but can you guys tell me How do I deal with this weekend? At the moment I'm mad at him but still being friendly because its my only way of dealing with the weekend.

Not true, you have other ways of thinking about and getting through this weekend, like staying busy with other friends (girlfriends only at this point) or even just deep cleaning your house!

 

I feel like I can't stop contact until Monday because I need to know if they meet.

It's highly likely they'll meet, so I'd just assume that they will.

 

It will kill me if they do but I need to know if he could b so cruel..

I'm not sure I'd even call it cruel....reckless and sleazy, perhaps. But frankly, based on your post, which is 99% about your dramatic over-reaction, I'm not even sure what this male individual has done other than be the object of your obsession. Whatever he does this weekend, it won't kill you.

 

Please see a counselor and read Feeling Good by David Burns for some ideas on how to correct what's wrong with your thought processes.

[almond]

You've recovered fantastically once, and you can do it again.

 

Let him go. Remember what you are capable of, and remember that you are better than this **** - everyone deserves better.

 

Go and stay with a friend or your family this weekend. Send him a text before the weekend and end it with him - be strong, you'll thank yourself for taking these steps when you look back on this in the future. Empower yourself.

 

Seek individual counseling to help you through this, and to help you ensure that this does not repeat itself a third time.

 

You can do it. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

Your post was rather confusing on how you actually end up losing your job over something that HE did. Really didn't make too much sense.

 

Regardless, screw this dude! Hell, I'd be gone by the weekend anyway if I were you! No, see you later, no fanfare...just gone.

 

Move somewhere nice and start again! Open a new chapter in your life and start over. Get motivated. This guy is a douche rocket that sleeps with his clients (if I'm reading it right). Therefore, this guy has no substance and nothing more than a male whore. You deserve someone better than that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, that is correct!

 

 

No. The issue you need to deal with is fixing whatever the deep dysfunction is within you, that causes you to be hellbent on this self-destructive crusade to somehow stay connected to this person despite the fact that it isn't remotely working.

 

 

Not true, you have other ways of thinking about and getting through this weekend, like staying busy with other friends (girlfriends only at this point) or even just deep cleaning your house!

 

 

It's highly likely they'll meet, so I'd just assume that they will.

 

 

I'm not sure I'd even call it cruel....reckless and sleazy, perhaps. But frankly, based on your post, which is 99% about your dramatic over-reaction, I'm not even sure what this male individual has done other than be the object of your obsession. Whatever he does this weekend, it won't kill you.

 

Please see a counselor and read Feeling Good by David Burns for some ideas on how to correct what's wrong with your thought processes.

 

I couldn't agree more. This is where it's at