I don't know if I should, and I wouldn't know where to start if I did....

[Hattie]

How do people separate such intertwined lives and then are financially able to live on their own?

[littlejaz]

It is a long hard road, but you do what you have to do. There is no one answer as to how to do it. If you give us a better idea of what is going, you will get more responses. Also, read through past posts on here and you will see how many of us have gotten through this.

 

Good luck.

[cozycottagelg]

How do people separate such intertwined lives and then are financially able to live on their own?

 

God I hope someone answers this post. I can figure out the money part, I am okay with being broke...but the rest of the stuff....help me.

[Hattie]

God I hope someone answers this post. I can figure out the money part, I am okay with being broke...but the rest of the stuff....help me.

I don't think I will do well financially. I hate the idea of being divorced. The idea of undoing what took 20+ years to do sounds exhausting. Really exhausting. So I just grin and bear it, try to be 'okay' with things that obviously are not ok. I mean if things were ok, I wouldn't keep being upset by them. I try to talk about it, listening to him just makes me mad. It's like he screws with my head and he makes up the rules as he goes along. So talking becomes an argument that ends up being a 3 hour ordeal where I end up just sitting-listening and wanting to rip my own ears off cause I am tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and I can't say anything else because it doesn't help and it just drags it out longer......

So I just tell myself things could be worse. I can just deal with it...but do I just want to keep dealing with it? And to add to things, I have a daughter who is at an age where she can see what is going on and had voiced that "she doesn't know how I put up with it". She doesn't even know the half of it.

Uhg

[carhill]

How do people separate such intertwined lives and then are financially able to live on their own?

 

IME, one day at a time. IMO, focus on one small success each day. Things work themselves out.

 

In my case, I lived alone for nearly 20 years before getting married so life after divorce isn't really much different, other than being a bit poorer for the experience. Money can be earned; stuff can be replaced. Life, that's priceless.

[tn086]

Oh how this sounds all to familiar. I'm in the same boat, but I am going to do something about it before it sinks. I am finally coming to the realization that life is too short to be unhappy.

[RightThere]

How do people separate such intertwined lives and then are financially able to live on their own?

 

Beats me. I'm just going to roll the dice and see what happens.

[K Os]

I'm just finding out, but I haven't got there yet. It's complicated. It seems to me there are positives and negatives financially. The negatives are fairly obvious - the same household costs with less income. But the main positive is that I can earn as much as I like from now on, and keep it. She'll probably come after me for it anyway, though.

[littlejaz]

Go talk with an attorney and that will give you some idea of how the finances will work out. It will be hard but you must decide which is better for you and your children, especially if one child is already figuring it out. Ask yourself if your marriage is what you want to teach your children? Do you want them to settle for this kind of unhappiness in their lives?

[cozycottagelg]

I don't think I will do well financially. I hate the idea of being divorced. The idea of undoing what took 20+ years to do sounds exhausting. Really exhausting. So I just grin and bear it, try to be 'okay' with things that obviously are not ok. I mean if things were ok, I wouldn't keep being upset by them. I try to talk about it, listening to him just makes me mad. It's like he screws with my head and he makes up the rules as he goes along. So talking becomes an argument that ends up being a 3 hour ordeal where I end up just sitting-listening and wanting to rip my own ears off cause I am tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over and I can't say anything else because it doesn't help and it just drags it out longer......

So I just tell myself things could be worse. I can just deal with it...but do I just want to keep dealing with it? And to add to things, I have a daughter who is at an age where she can see what is going on and had voiced that "she doesn't know how I put up with it". She doesn't even know the half of it.

Uhg

 

This sounds so familiar, but I've only been in my relationship for 12 years, married for 8. My husband has a way of making me feel like I am just walking away. Like things got hard one day and I am leaving. Um..no, things built up and I'm tired.

 

I will not do well financially. I will struggle. I can pay my bills (I think), and put food on the table, and that will literally be it. No extras. This seems like a better alternative to me however, than hating being in my house. I hate going home. I hate weekends. I long for Monday's so I can go back to work.

 

My husband also talks incessantly. Constant. It's like he is trying to convince both of us that it's going to be okay. Problem is, I am not okay. I am miserable. I scowl whenever I am near him. And he isn't even that bad of a guy! He's a nice guy. He's funny, he is even attractive...but I can't even be around him anymore. My mood completely changes. I just can't seem to take the next step. And he will make every step hard. Nothing about this is going to be easy. Nothing.

 

Keep me posted on your journey. I will be thinking about you.

[Hattie]

This sounds so familiar, but I've only been in my relationship for 12 years, married for 8. My husband has a way of making me feel like I am just walking away. Like things got hard one day and I am leaving. Um..no, things built up and I'm tired.

 

I will not do well financially. I will struggle. I can pay my bills (I think), and put food on the table, and that will literally be it. No extras. This seems like a better alternative to me however, than hating being in my house. I hate going home. I hate weekends. I long for Monday's so I can go back to work.

 

My husband also talks incessantly. Constant. It's like he is trying to convince both of us that it's going to be okay. Problem is, I am not okay. I am miserable. I scowl whenever I am near him. And he isn't even that bad of a guy! He's a nice guy. He's funny, he is even attractive...but I can't even be around him anymore. My mood completely changes. I just can't seem to take the next step. And he will make every step hard. Nothing about this is going to be easy. Nothing.

 

Keep me posted on your journey. I will be thinking about you.

It's been a very bad week! He keeps me up late talking-talking-talking (arguing)....then I can't fall asleep because of all the crap he puts in my head. Then I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning stressing out. I get up and go to the gym to try and help relieve the stress....I come home and try to get ready for work and he is in my space starting again...making me late. I drive off in a rush forgetting things on the way, trying not to cry all the way to work-even waterproof mascara smudges and runs eventually.

I get to work and I am she'll-shocked. How am I supposed to be a useful part of my office after that?!

[cozycottagelg]

It's been a very bad week! He keeps me up late talking-talking-talking (arguing)....then I can't fall asleep because of all the crap he puts in my head. Then I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning stressing out. I get up and go to the gym to try and help relieve the stress....I come home and try to get ready for work and he is in my space starting again...making me late. I drive off in a rush forgetting things on the way, trying not to cry all the way to work-even waterproof mascara smudges and runs eventually.

I get to work and I am she'll-shocked. How am I supposed to be a useful part of my office after that?!

 

Mine does the same. And then I finally will get the courage to stick up for myself and he gets pissed and walks away. Then we go to bed and he acts like everything is fine the next day. Over and over and over and over again.

[RightThere]

Mine does the same. And then I finally will get the courage to stick up for myself and he gets pissed and walks away. Then we go to bed and he acts like everything is fine the next day. Over and over and over and over again.

 

No offense, but if you continue to stay there, he's going to continue to work on the relationship. He's not going to let it remain the status quo (allowing you to not want to be married but stay in the relationship).

 

At least he is DOING something. You're just being meaner and meaner hoping he'll finally pull the trigger. When he doesn't, you keep thinking he is a bigger loser because "who would put up with this kind of abuse?"

[imtooconfused]

It's been a very bad week! He keeps me up late talking-talking-talking (arguing)....then I can't fall asleep because of all the crap he puts in my head. Then I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning stressing out. I get up and go to the gym to try and help relieve the stress....I come home and try to get ready for work and he is in my space starting again...making me late. I drive off in a rush forgetting things on the way, trying not to cry all the way to work-even waterproof mascara smudges and runs eventually.

I get to work and I am she'll-shocked. How am I supposed to be a useful part of my office after that?!

 

I haven't figured out the physical separation/untangling part yet myself (your original question). But it sounds like from your recent update that even if there was the possibility of reconciliation, it will not be possible if you two are fighting every single moment that you are together. You need to find time away from each other to sort things out and think things through clearly without having to explain and rebut everything that you are feeling. Please find a family member or close friend where you can get some rest and meditation time. Even if it's not overnight you definitely need space to help you clarify your own feelings.

[Hattie]

I haven't figured out the physical separation/untangling part yet myself (your original question). But it sounds like from your recent update that even if there was the possibility of reconciliation, it will not be possible if you two are fighting every single moment that you are together. You need to find time away from each other to sort things out and think things through clearly without having to explain and rebut everything that you are feeling. Please find a family member or close friend where you can get some rest and meditation time. Even if it's not overnight you definitely need space to help you clarify your own feelings.

See, something so simple, but overlooked. That is the beauty of bouncing stuff off other people that aren't invested in the situation.

I think this is a good idea.

The hard part...he is very clingy. I have a hard time getting in the car and going for a drive to get some space to think. He wants to just sit hammer it out...which is successful for him cause I grow weary and cave cause I am exhausted by it.

But this does seem like a good thing regardless if he likes it or not.

[cozycottagelg]

No offense, but if you continue to stay there, he's going to continue to work on the relationship. He's not going to let it remain the status quo (allowing you to not want to be married but stay in the relationship).

 

At least he is DOING something. You're just being meaner and meaner hoping he'll finally pull the trigger. When he doesn't, you keep thinking he is a bigger loser because "who would put up with this kind of abuse?"

 

I agree, me being there tells him that there is a chance.

 

But as for the mean thing, I'm not mean. I'm very nice, and civil. If he wants to talk, I listen. I don't belittle him in any way, and I don't say mean things about him, either. We are still a strong unit for the kids, etc. I get why he is trying, I'm not saying he shouldn't try. I was just speaking about how irritating it is for me to say I'm done, and have him act like it never came out of my mouth the next day.

[RightThere]

I agree, me being there tells him that there is a chance.

 

But as for the mean thing, I'm not mean. I'm very nice, and civil. If he wants to talk, I listen. I don't belittle him in any way, and I don't say mean things about him, either. We are still a strong unit for the kids, etc. I get why he is trying, I'm not saying he shouldn't try. I was just speaking about how irritating it is for me to say I'm done, and have him act like it never came out of my mouth the next day.

 

You are being mean probably without knowing it.

 

You can't have all this resentment and frustration inside of you without it coming out in other ways. You might be withdrawn, unavailable, short, unsupportive, etc.

 

I know it's hard. I don't want to gloss over the difficulty you are experiencing sitting in limbo. But I would guess you have a lot of regret in your life. Don't keep adding to it.

 

I was your husband. Trying everything to repair and rebuild. Thinking that even if I'm the only one putting in work, that it will somehow work out.

 

But you are gone. Your mind is gone. I bet if you were to finally pull the trigger, you children would even say "it's about damn time!"

 

Keep soul searching. Eventually you're going to find that light switch, turn it on, and you'll know exactly what you need to do.

[devilish innocent]

You might want to check out the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans to see if you're being verbally abused. That could help you to figure out what you need to do.

 

If you're sure it's not verbal abuse, then a good marriage counselor may help teach you how to communicate better. Just be sure you're not with somebody who's verbally abusing you as marriage counseling can make things worse in that case.

[Mr. Lucky]

How do people separate such intertwined lives and then are financially able to live on their own?

They decide at some point that it's less expensive in every sense - financially, emotionally and spiritually - than staying together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Aquarius Guy]

It's been a very bad week! He keeps me up late talking-talking-talking (arguing)....then I can't fall asleep because of all the crap he puts in my head. Then I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning stressing out. I get up and go to the gym to try and help relieve the stress....I come home and try to get ready for work and he is in my space starting again...making me late. I drive off in a rush forgetting things on the way, trying not to cry all the way to work-even waterproof mascara smudges and runs eventually.

I get to work and I am she'll-shocked. How am I supposed to be a useful part of my office after that?!

 

You don't mention using the "Boring Baroque Response" which is Suzette Elgin's suggestion in her book YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME. It does not sound like you have studied the strategies for handling verbal abuse.

 

The strategies will at least help with the situation.

 

Your husband should be listening to you, not lecturing you for 3 hours. You husband might benefit from counseling. Any way to make that happen?

 

 

 

 

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