AutumnMoon Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I've never talked to anyone in depth about my past, and seems like a lot of people who know my story here think it has to do with my life right now.. I still don't want to end my affair, but I do want to understand what's going on inside my head. What do I say to her today!? I have no idea. It's only an hour long appointment, to go over my life would take forever. Not sure what important points to address, past abuse, past rape, feeling neglected.. Cheating.. And how certain can I be this is totally confidential.. Can a therapist pass this info to anyone else without consent?? I don't even want my family doctor to know. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 As far as I understand it everything is confidential. They cannot go around blabbing your business without fear of losing their license. Hopefully someone can let us know if that is true. I am going to guess that the first appointment is used to figure out what you want to get out IC. What are you goals, worries etc. With all that said, once you get into things further, I don't think that there is anyway you can get around mentioning the affair. The affair is a big indicator of your issues and how you deal with life in general. But please make sure you address all issues past, present and future. I hope that your councilor is located in a bigger city near you, not in your small town. It will help reduce your fear of things not being so confidential. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Autumn, take a deep breath. The first meeting is kind of a meet and greet. You want to find out how the therapist handles their approaches to issues, their school of thought, office hours, billing, etc. You will discuss potentially big picture what you hope to gain from therapy and the therapist will go over how she can help you can get there. Do a google search of "first appointments with a therapist" or "interview questions to find a therapist" and that should help you. Ask your therapist her thoughts and approaches to affairs to find out if you two will "jive" together. Think of this as your next step to do a face to face interview with her. You don't have to worry about covering everything as it will take time. She will want to know if there are any immediate acute issues that need to be addressed but outside of that you are really just getting to know each other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 And yes everything you discuss is confidential unless you disclose you are an immediate harm to others, to yourself, or have committed a crime (and discuss the crime). There are certain things they will need to move forward on. Also, I know it is warned that if one is in divorce proceedings, their therapist/notes can be subpoenaed. Ask her what is protected, what isn't and why. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I've never talked to anyone in depth about my past, and seems like a lot of people who know my story here think it has to do with my life right now.. I still don't want to end my affair, but I do want to understand what's going on inside my head. What do I say to her today!? I have no idea. It's only an hour long appointment, to go over my life would take forever. Not sure what important points to address, past abuse, past rape, feeling neglected.. Cheating.. And how certain can I be this is totally confidential.. Can a therapist pass this info to anyone else without consent?? I don't even want my family doctor to know. Relax. You'll be fine. Hopefully you have a good therapist who will make you feel comfortable. She will be the one to ask you questions and sort of guide your first session, so you don't have to go in with a script of what to say or bring up. She may ask you very basic things your first time, things you may not even think are related to anything, but it all helps build rapport and a picture of what's up with you. Start with the most pressing concern for you...which could even be that you're in an affair, you post on a forum, and people have suggested your past may have something to do with current state of affairs (haha no pun intended, edited to add that ) and she will help guide the convo from there. A professional therapist cannot and will not pass the info on. If she passed it on and it got back to you, it would be obvious it was her and she could lose her license, so I'm sure she won't do that. I mean technically maybe they could tell their family member about "this client I have", which would still be pretty anonymous esp if the person doesn't know you, but many don't even discuss patients with family, but technically if they did it wouldn't be in any detail where the person could be traced and I'm sure she won't be telling your family doctor. But you can also bring up your anxieties to her about your privacy. Good luck! Hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 As far as I understand it everything is confidential. They cannot go around blabbing your business without fear of losing their license. Hopefully someone can let us know if that is true. I am going to guess that the first appointment is used to figure out what you want to get out IC. What are you goals, worries etc. With all that said, once you get into things further, I don't think that there is anyway you can get around mentioning the affair. The affair is a big indicator of your issues and how you deal with life in general. But please make sure you address all issues past, present and future. I hope that your councilor is located in a bigger city near you, not in your small town. It will help reduce your fear of things not being so confidential. Yes, she's an hour away from my home town and I'd never have to see her again so I do feel safe.. Uncomfortable with the idea she could tell my doctor so I want to make sure that's private. I don't even like that she knows my name, But I'm trying to get past that. I have never talked to anybody out loud about this affair .. Or a lot of the things that happened to me when I was younger. When I booked the appointment last week I talked to her about a half hour on the phone so she knows I am going to be bringing up past sexual abuse.. And they also mentioned that I thought it might have to do with some of the things that I've done in the last year.. I didn't go into any detail about what those things were that I did this last year but of course that would be the affair. I guess I just want to talk about it out loud and really hear what needs to be said. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 FYI, therapists are legally required to provide clients with a written contract that outlines the therapist's obligations regarding confidentiality in most places. If a therapist breaks confidentiality, they can be subject to criminal and civil penalties, in addition to losing their license. However, there are two circumstances under which therapists are legally required to break confidentiality: (1) if you tell them something that falls under mandatory reporting laws, and (2) under court order. As other people have mentioned, they have to report you if you they feel you are an immediate threat to yourself or others. However, mandatory reporting laws also include things like child abuse and elder abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Yes, she's an hour away from my home town and I'd never have to see her again so I do feel safe.. Uncomfortable with the idea she could tell my doctor so I want to make sure that's private. I don't even like that she knows my name, But I'm trying to get past that. I have never talked to anybody out loud about this affair .. Or a lot of the things that happened to me when I was younger. When I booked the appointment last week I talked to her about a half hour on the phone so she knows I am going to be bringing up past sexual abuse.. And they also mentioned that I thought it might have to do with some of the things that I've done in the last year.. I didn't go into any detail about what those things were that I did this last year but of course that would be the affair. I guess I just want to talk about it out loud and really hear what needs to be said. I really think you are taking a step in the right direction. Although your post do get my hackles up, I think it is because you come off as cold. And I really do think it bothers YOU that you can do all these things without a second thought as to what may come down the pipe in the future should it all come out. You absolutely are doing the right thing to figure out the hows and whys. There is no other way to fix things and not repeat them if you don't take this step. From what I have seen, the first councilor might not be the right one. Sometimes you have to dig to find a match. That doesn't mean that just because they make uncomfortable by asking the hard questions it is not a match, just that you need to find someone you are comfortable talking with. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 As other people have mentioned, they have to report you if you they feel you are an immediate threat to yourself or others. However, mandatory reporting laws also include things like child abuse and elder abuse. To clarify, these laws do not apply to things that happened to you as a child, but rather anything that happens or has happened to your children while they are minors in your care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 To clarify, these laws do not apply to things that happened to you as a child, but rather anything that happens or has happened to your children while they are minors in your care. Could cheating on your children's father come across as child abuse? I want to know that.. That's not something that could be reported I hope? It's not like I'm having unprotected sex, and my kids are not around when it's happening but still.. I get how it affects the kids Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I really think you are taking a step in the right direction. Although your post do get my hackles up, I think it is because you come off as cold. And I really do think it bothers YOU that you can do all these things without a second thought as to what may come down the pipe in the future should it all come out. You absolutely are doing the right thing to figure out the hows and whys. There is no other way to fix things and not repeat them if you don't take this step. From what I have seen, the first councilor might not be the right one. Sometimes you have to dig to find a match. That doesn't mean that just because they make uncomfortable by asking the hard questions it is not a match, just that you need to find someone you are comfortable talking with. It does bother me. A little over a year ago if someone else told me this story I would have been so shocked and in a lot of situations disgusted. It's gone really far in a year. I'm a different person now than then.. I could still lie easily before but I listened to my conscience and I don't think I do now. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Could cheating on your children's father come across as child abuse? I want to know that.. That's not something that could be reported I hope? It's not like I'm having unprotected sex, and my kids are not around when it's happening but still.. I get how it affects the kids In some people eyes yes it could.....however I don't think it is legally defined as child abuse. Otherwise it would be easier to use infidelity when filing for divorce. And from seeing how many people engage in affairs the prisons would be full. But that you are worried about how it will affect your kids is a good sign. That women you used to be may not be as far gone as you think. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 autumn moon, once you are informed and feel this is a good solid therapist for you, Be HONEST, about Everything!! She won't be able to help you if she our he doesn't Know* kind of like telling a doctor you don't feel well but don't tell him where or how, ya know? I'm proud of you for taking this strip. It's HUGE* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Could cheating on your children's father come across as child abuse? I want to know that.. That's not something that could be reported I hope? It's not like I'm having unprotected sex, and my kids are not around when it's happening but still.. I get how it affects the kids As far as mandatory reporting laws are concerned, no. By child abuse, they are referring to things like neglect, starvation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and anything that would generally have CPS called on a child for. In custody cases, "moral fitness of the parent" is one of the criteria judges are generally required to consider when deciding the custody arrangement. Theoretically, any kind of A can qualify as a factor in custody decisions under this category, but, in practice, the A really only matters if the parent has done things like bringing the AP around the kids or has neglected the kids (i.e. left unsupervised kids home alone, failed to pick them up from school, etc.) to spend time with the AP. Still, even in custody cases, it's rarely considered child abuse under any legal definition. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Could cheating on your children's father come across as child abuse? I want to know that.. That's not something that could be reported I hope? It's not like I'm having unprotected sex, and my kids are not around when it's happening but still.. I get how it affects the kids No. This would not be something that she would need to report. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 As far as mandatory reporting laws are concerned, no. By child abuse, they are referring to things like neglect, starvation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and anything that would generally have CPS called on a child for. In custody cases, "moral fitness of the parent" is one of the criteria judges are generally required to consider when deciding the custody arrangement. Theoretically, any kind of A can qualify as a factor in custody decisions under this category, but, in practice, the A really only matters if the parent has done things like bringing the AP around the kids or has neglected the kids (i.e. left unsupervised kids home alone, failed to pick them up from school, etc.) to spend time with the AP. Still, even in custody cases, it's rarely considered child abuse under any legal definition. And this greatly varies by states during divorce proceedings. There are many states that this won't factor in. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 What do I say to her today!? The therapist may have a standard agenda for the initial consultation, which can be modified as the client deems appropriate. In MC, we covered a general overview of why we were there and what we wished to accomplish and answered specific questions from the psychologist. He then interviewed us separately during the next cycle, on separate days, to gain more in-depth information before serious therapy began. And how certain can I be this is totally confidential.. Can a therapist pass this info to anyone else without consent?? I don't even want my family doctor to know. You might find information such as that linked below to be of assistance: More protections for patients and psychologists under HIPAA Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I think you will find that therapists just have a way of encouraging conversation. You will find the hour zoom by. Dont be surprised if you feel a bit drained afterwards, or the opposite. I wish you well today. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm wishing you well today too Autumnmoon. I've disclosed A LOT to my IC and she has never reported anything. I have even been in inpatient care for an attempted suicide. I believe if there is physical abuse or bad drug abuse then they will report. It's not an easy journey looking within ourselves, it's a lot of hard work but it is also fascinating and exciting to grow through the process! Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Well....how did it go? Was it what you expected? Will you go again? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 autumn moon, I hope you had a good first session and this therapust is worth seeing again* Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Oh I'll go again for sure. I don't know that I'll stick with this lady but ill try a few more sessions with her anyway. I was honest and she thinks I can just forget the other guy and move past it and I think that's very unrealistic. I still don't understand how past abuse caused this.. I still think that I would have ended up here even if I'd never had those things happen to me I just wouldn't have been able to compartmentalise as well.. I could be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Oh I'll go again for sure. I don't know that I'll stick with this lady but ill try a few more sessions with her anyway. I was honest and she thinks I can just forget the other guy and move past it and I think that's very unrealistic. I still don't understand how past abuse caused this.. I still think that I would have ended up here even if I'd never had those things happen to me I just wouldn't have been able to compartmentalise as well.. I could be wrong. Here's the thing...your ability to compartmentalize this is precisely the 'problem'. You don't feel enough guilt to change the situation...because you're an expert at compartmentalization. You don't have enough empathy to truly look at this and see what you're going to do to your H...or to even spend any effort looking at the likely outcomes of this situation. You refuse to see the devestation your H is likely to feel. You have no regard to the stress this is going to put your family under...that divorce is a very possible/likely outcome of what you're doing right now. Your ability to live in the moment...to compartmentalize...is precisely what's preventing you from doing the right thing here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I still think that I would have ended up here even if I'd never had those things happen to me I just wouldn't have been able to compartmentalise as well This is an example of the kind of issue where you direct the therapy. If you've had physical or psychological abuse in your background, I'd strongly recommend a psychologist who specializes in such matters. If you're going to spend money on therapy, in addition to committing your valuable time, IMO go for the highest and best use of both in seeking out a professional. Remember, you're in charge. The counselor works for you and uses their skills to guide you and provide you tools. The answers you seek lie within yourself. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Oh I'll go again for sure. I don't know that I'll stick with this lady but ill try a few more sessions with her anyway. I was honest and she thinks I can just forget the other guy and move past it and I think that's very unrealistic. I still don't understand how past abuse caused this.. I still think that I would have ended up here even if I'd never had those things happen to me I just wouldn't have been able to compartmentalise as well.. I could be wrong. If this therapist doesn't work out, find one that you can feel totally comfortable with and trust. Therapy does wonders when you find the right one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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