justconfused25 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) It seems the consensus on LS but especially this sub-forum is for most people to advise others to "move on, do NC, etc". While they might be saying that for the others person's best interest, sometimes they don't know what is the best interest for the person! Here is a breath of fresh air. Don't think contacting an ex is letting them win. In this world, you do what you want and this "winning" thing does not exist. If they or people perceive you as weak after you contact, so what? Contact the ex you want back if you want to and are tired of fighting NC. Sometimes don't you just get tired and crazed of all the "what ifs" and "I wonder how my ex is doing/if he/she is still thinking about me?". Forget what your friends/family say and follow impulse. Realize that IF you get hurt by continuing to do contact, it is your choice to get hurt. Once you realize this, you also realize that means you have the power to minimize this hurt while doing contact because YOU are hurting yourself, not your ex. That is to fight your emotions and not be weak. Every time you get sad, understand you are taking the hard way out and not the easy way by doing NC. Don't let your pain and scars concur you and keep pushing! People say doing NC is to heal. Well what if you truly want your ex back so bad you don't want to heal or the only way to heal is to get your ex back? Contact them and pursue them back! Might not always work and if it doesn't, recognize the pain you've caused to yourself but you got it out of your system. Do this until you are insane, sleepless, until you cannot do it anymore. Take as much mental punishment until it's become a part of your life and a routine. Then one day, your ex might just come back. -Personal experience Edited October 30, 2013 by justconfused25 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I seriously don't think people choose to go NC just because a bunch of strangers say so. People usually choose to go NC when they are ready. I personally haven't read a thread that goes like this: go NC right now!! and then the OP instantly does it. I haven't seen that, AT ALL. What I see is that people do it when they are ready. I used to be against NC like you have no idea, but at the end I finally understood what NC is about. I was so confused about what NC meant. I think people who preach about NC are doing a noble job by demystifying its REAL meaning. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
lylat333 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) When I made my first post on LS I wasn't ready to go NC. It was 10 days post-BU but my ex ignored my last few attempts to reach out. A hand-written letter was already on the way to my ex the day of my first post... she ignored it. 10 days later, I decided I was going to comment/like a post she put up on Facebook, Simon Phoenix advised against it but I don't think there was anything anyone could have told me to stop. They would have had to go all out and explain it in a way that made sense to me. She ignored that... and then I worked my way towards complete NC. I continued to check her FB in hopes of finding information one way or the other and never got it. I finally had to cut contact because e-stalking her was destroying my life. The day I blocked her was when I finally started moving on. Had she given me breadcrumbs or remained in contact I'm sure things would be different and I probably would've never even ended up on LS. But LS has helped me to stop being so motivated by getting my ex back and put the focus on me.. which is what OP is advising against. Frankly I'm just glad I'm not a complete mess anymore. In my case my ex and I are pretty much unsalvageable and probably always were from the moment she started ignoring me so I think I made the right decision. If she rebounded and hopped in the sack with someone else within 1-3 weeks of the BU I could never respect or trust her again after what we've been through. I suspect she knows this and if I had to guess it's why she hasn't, and may never bother to ever contact me again because of how disappointed I am in her and how hurt I've been. Just sharing my experience. Edited October 30, 2013 by lylat333 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I did NC for my sanity after LC. I was totally against NC in the beginning as well, but I just couldn't justify giving anymore mental energy to a dead relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Read the what OP replied to your idea: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419967-day-10-no-conatct-5.html That's what NC allows you to do. Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 This thread sucks. You're actively telling people to stay stuck in the past and not look to the future. smh Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Do this until you are insane, sleepless, until you cannot do it anymore. Take as much mental punishment until it's become a part of your life and a routine. Then one day, your ex might just come back. -Personal experience WTF? I'm speechless. Go through all that and they "might" come back. LOL! What a joke. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justconfused25 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) This thread sucks. You're actively telling people to stay stuck in the past and not look to the future. smh Some people prefer to and some people can't help it. What's wrong with the past if it can create a future? Forum's called second chance for a reason. How do you get a second chance? GO BACK TO THE PAST. Examples JUST FROM THE FIRST PAGE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE STUCK IN THE PAST THAT ARE NOT BY CHOICE: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/432651-20-years-nc-long-reading http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/436493-18-months-one-new-boyfriend-later-i-think-i-still-love-my-ex http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/401062-i-believe-second-chances Zahara, "go through all that"? You know how many obstacles a couple has to "go through"? Up to you if you feel it's worth it or not but maybe you just haven't found the right person deserving of your insanity. Edited October 30, 2013 by justconfused25 Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Yes not moving on is a great idea. After all, the best way to win a race is by looking backward instead of forward. That's Usain Bolt's secret. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) Zahara, "go through all that"? You know how many obstacles a couple has to "go through"? Up to you if you feel it's worth it or not but maybe you just haven't found the right person deserving of your insanity. I've been through two long term relationships and a marriage/divorce. I know what a fight is. If you have to drive yourself insane, sleepless, until you cannot do it anymore, endure as much mental punishment until it becomes part of your life and a routine to make someone want you, I will have to say that someone that abides by this nature is truly weak and has no ability to prioritize their own mental and emotional health. Essentially, choosing to diminish their own sense of self and value for the sake of deperately wanting acceptance from another. Fighting for a relationship when two people want to fight for it is one thing. Fighting for a relationship when you believe there could be a chance that the other may want back in, is one thing. Breaking NC a few times and begging a dumper to reconcile, understandable. But completely diminishing yourself, mentally punishing yourself until it becomes a part of your life and routine, because they just might come back -- you're absolutely right -- insanity and only for the emotionally damaged. Edited October 30, 2013 by Zahara 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 This is an April Fool's thread, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WhiskeyJack Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I had clicked on this thread initally because I though "Yes! Someone not pushing NC, this is what I was looking for". But after reading your post I was disgusted. More so by the last paragraph, but still terrible advice all around. Im currently not practicing NC but for completely different reasons than you suggest. Terrible advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thora-tiki Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 This thread is one for the what the fu*k file. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 i actually got advised against no contact as i understand forgiveness is a must...,....i just cant ...i have to go no cotnact i have broken it quite a few times...dotn nkormally wen tsix months straight up beofree with anothe ex this guy itws been difficult...i keep seeign glimpses fo who i thought he was...which i swhy i cant have glmipses...or see what i liked in the first place...i need to remeber the ugly...the part i would never handle.....no contact.,...all the way......till im better..which will mean feeling nothing for this guy ....forgivng him but saying you arent right for me please stay away .........and being happy about it......ill get there..i actually really dont like him at the moment so it i sperfect for me to go no contact......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author justconfused25 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) It's a lot of the posters in this thread that are so quick to devalue the advice that made me want to make this thread in the first place. Some of you need to get off your high horses. Just because it differs from the norm, people automatically close this option off. Every situation is different and no contact may not always be best. A lot of people think they know better because they've been through pain and done NC. Not to discredit their personal experiences but you know what? I look around LS and am truly sick of reading the same cliche crap. "Move on" "Do Nc you'll heal" "He/she's not worth your time" I got my ex back this way and couldn't be happier. Had someone posted this advice to me 1 month ago, it would've gave me so much more courage to continue. For some like me, this method WORKS. I'm posting this to give a different view of contact vs NC to give strength to some that are in the same position as I was. I'm tired of reading so much rational advice of posters analyzing this and that. Love is irrational and sometimes you need to be crazy. Edited October 30, 2013 by justconfused25 Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 It's a lot of the posters in this thread that are so quick to devalue the advice that made me want to make this thread in the first place. Some of you need to get off your high horses. Just because it differs from the norm, people automatically close this option off. Every situation is different and no contact may not always be best. A lot of people think they know better because they've been through pain and done NC. Not to discredit their personal experiences but you know what? I look around LS and am truly sick of reading the same cliche crap. "Move on" "Do Nc you'll heal" "He/she's not worth your time" I got my ex back this way and couldn't be happier. Had someone posted this advice to me 1 month ago, it would've gave me so much more courage to continue. For some like me, this method WORKS. I'm posting this to give a different view of contact vs NC to give strength to some that are in the same position as I was. I'm tired of reading so much rational advice of posters analyzing this and that. Love is irrational and sometimes you need to be crazy. I didn't read your original thread because it was really really long. Anyway, I got my ex "back" (it was more of a mutual breakup maybe 60% my idea) doing "full contact." It took us one year to get back together, was it worth it? I don't think so. We NEVER got to work on our issues. Like I mentioned earlier, I would've gotten back with my ex if I had continued full contact. However, the situation was KILLING ME. I had to "woman up" and do something about it. Now, I'm starting to finally live my life again. I am not getting anxiety attacks. Thanks to this website, I was able to realize that I could always do something about my situation. That I could finally do something. When you breakup it feels like you're about to enter rehab, I know that's how I felt. Let's not forget that break ups happen for a reason. NC gives you time to really realize all the mistakes you and your ex made. It gives you clarity. I could go on and on about what NC does, but I guess you get the idea. You say one needs to act irrational when it comes to love. I guess we differ to what love is and how one must act. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justconfused25 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I didn't read your original thread because it was really really long. Anyway, I got my ex "back" (it was more of a mutual breakup maybe 60% my idea) doing "full contact." It took us one year to get back together, was it worth it? I don't think so. We NEVER got to work on our issues. Like I mentioned earlier, I would've gotten back with my ex if I had continued full contact. However, the situation was KILLING ME. I had to "woman up" and do something about it. Now, I'm starting to finally live my life again. I am not getting anxiety attacks. Thanks to this website, I was able to realize that I could always do something about my situation. That I could finally do something. When you breakup it feels like you're about to enter rehab, I know that's how I felt. Let's not forget that break ups happen for a reason. NC gives you time to really realize all the mistakes you and your ex made. It gives you clarity. I could go on and on about what NC does, but I guess you get the idea. You say one needs to act irrational when it comes to love. I guess we differ to what love is and how one must act. My message is not that you MUST DO CONTACT. I understand the benefits of NC and at times it is definitely the best solution. My message is simply do whatever your heart wants. If at this moment, you feel like you want you really want to contact your ex again for whatever reason, I'd fully support it even if it might not be the best idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I mean, some people get out of debt by going to Vegas, letting it ride and winning big. But most just end up completely broke. And a lot of the ones who do "win big" tend to lose even bigger later because the behavior that ends up winning for them in the short term turns out to be a losing proposition with a larger sample size. I mean, I'm glad it's worked for you (for now) and I hope you buck the trend. But in general, smoking cigarettes as a cure for lung cancer ends up backfiring. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justconfused25 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I mean, some people get out of debt by going to Vegas, letting it ride and winning big. But most just end up completely broke. And a lot of the ones who do "win big" tend to lose even bigger later because the behavior that ends up winning for them in the short term turns out to be a losing proposition with a larger sample size. I mean, I'm glad it's worked for you (for now) and I hope you buck the trend. But in general, smoking cigarettes as a cure for lung cancer ends up backfiring. I'm thankful you're glad for me but I think you should look at getting back together and then actually staying together as 2 separate matters. If my goal was strictly to get her back, then you can say it's worked out for me (forever) because I obtained what I wanted. Even if tomorrow, she breaks up with me I've succeeded. Now staying together is a whole different game. Many people are on this sub-forum for advice on how to get their ex back and this is strictly what i'm offering. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm thankful you're glad for me but I think you should look at getting back together and then actually staying together as 2 separate matters. If my goal was strictly to get her back, then you can say it's worked out for me (forever) because I obtained what I wanted. Even if tomorrow, she breaks up with me I've succeeded. Now staying together is a whole different game. Many people are on this sub-forum for advice on how to get their ex back and this is strictly what i'm offering. For me the goal is to have an improved healthy and new relationship that will last for years? (you know pretty much the happy ending) If it was just about getting back together, I wouldn't bother. Too much work and energy for nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
r321148 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I agree to some extent with the OP. Each situation does have it's own caveats but you raise a lot of contentious points that really are not healthy. Even if tomorrow, she breaks up with me I've succeeded. Now staying together is a whole different game. So if she breaks up with you tomorrow then what was the point in getting back together? I think in general people here try to help but every situation and every person is different and there is no one size fits all. Any advice should be taken with a pinch of salt as, at the end of the day, you know yourself, your situation and your ex better than anyone else. So I guess for what you're saying it depends what your goal is. There is no method to get your ex back he/she is a person and will do what they want to do. Whether you contact them/don't contact them they feel what they feel and that is the way it is. You may be able to batter them into submission by keep on pleading with them. You may be able to make them feel guilty enough that they get back with you. You may even be able to charm them but I don't think any of these will last. The only way it will turn around and last is if he/she comes to the decision that they genuinely want to be with you. Not out of guilt/desperation etc. I do agree with you that you won't get your ex back without contacting them (if this is your goal). BUT I think you risk doing a lot of damage if you contact them before you/they are ready. Now for every relationship the time period may be different. e.g. for a relationship that ended for no good reason and was clearly a mistake then the timescale may be very short but for other relationships the time period could be years or not at all. I do think that no matter what the situation then a little cooling off period is necessary. This gives you the time to think, reflect and analyse the situation. It helps you to get yourself together again the time frame will be different for each person and situation. I think if you contact too soon you risk doing 2 things: a) His/her feelings for you are already hanging by a thread and you risk doing irreparable damage to any future chances (if this is your goal). When he/she looks back they'll think of that needy desperate guy/girl who wouldn't leave them alone b) Setting back your own healing. Again everyone is different. Some are strong and resolute and will be ready to give it a go and handle the potential rejection fairly soon after a break up and others won't ever be able to get to this stage. You know best which kind of person you are. Another thing I see wrong with this is that it shows no respect for your ex's decision. Presumably they finished with you for a reason and if you love them enough, you will respect that decision. If you want them to be happy (which you should if you love them) and you aren't the one making them happy then you need to let them go. They may then realise they made a mistake but that is their decision (notice the theme). I don't mean to be too critical as I appreciate the alternative view and I genuinely think everyone here is just trying to help. These thoughts are just my musings on the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 (edited) I'm thankful you're glad for me but I think you should look at getting back together and then actually staying together as 2 separate matters. If my goal was strictly to get her back, then you can say it's worked out for me (forever) because I obtained what I wanted. Even if tomorrow, she breaks up with me I've succeeded. Now staying together is a whole different game. Many people are on this sub-forum for advice on how to get their ex back and this is strictly what i'm offering. And this is where we split, because the goal should be to find a long-term solution. Getting them back is great, but if you are just going back to the same flawed relationship, what's the point? I mean, you are just going to break up again (in likely a quicker amount of time) if you take the wham-bam, Persian bazaar approach to reconciliation. And (at least) two heartbreaks with the same person for the same reasons sounds rather counterproductive and pointless. I'm more about the long-term play than the short-term satisfaction. JMO. Edited October 30, 2013 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
thora-tiki Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 ...and I am dating my ex after I went no contact for 10 months - I felt compelled to write something about no contact. No contact breaks us out of the friends zone or relationship limbo, and begins our personal evolution. Staying friends = Relationship limbo Relationship limbo = Constant pain and confusion The purpose of our no contact (time), also called personal evolution (time) is to calm down, get our emotional control back and evolve past the old failed relationship, and survive a break up. That is all. Some say that no contact is manipulating. How can working on yourself, focusing on you and your life, agreeing with the break up, be manipulative? No contact is not manipulative, or saying: I give up. Because we know that nothing lasts forever. Sometimes not even a break up lasts forever. Maybe the ones that say that no contact is manipulative are fans of drama? Once you have buried the past, and regained your self confidence you can either start a new relationship with the ex, or completely move on with someone else. Yes, the carrot on the end of the stick is, for some, reconnect. But the price has always been, and still is, getting you back. Evolution means that you have moved past your old failed relationship to the point where you are not dependent on the ex any more. It doesn't mean you can't love the ex - but it does mean that you realise you could live your life without the ex. The only thing you're going to lose, during no contact, is your connection to the old way you two were together - just before, and after the break up. You must let the old relationship go (evolve), and prepare for a new chance with the ex, or with someone new, in a new relationship. If this is ever going to work with our exes, it has got to be a new relationship, with fresh new perspectives, and attitudes. «Anyone» can get their ex back, but for how long, and will they be happy? If you don't do no contact, you are still waiting for the ex to do something (get back to you) like he/she doesn't have a will of his/her own - or you have a will of your own, for that matter. Whilst you wait for him/her, and you don't evolve. Don't let anything, or anyone, stop you from getting back on track, and succeeding, i.e. getting your life back. If you have evolved (after some months/years of no contact) and the ex stayed the same. Or even gotten worse. Then you probably won't want the ex back anyway. What you don't want is to continue the old failed relationship, you know, the one that ended. You want to start a new relationship with someone. Don't play it safe, get your life back, not just the ex, and watch the magic happen. When we use no contact correctly - i.e. not breaking it all the time - the ex will personally evolve too. We must evolve past the old failed relationship before anything good can happen. There is a point to no contact, it draws a line in the sand, but if you let your ex smudge that line and attempt to erase it, that shows a lack of respect for you, and your feelings. Everyone will agree love is NOTHING without respect, right? You can not build a real relationship without mutual respect for each other. No contact helps us to stop wasting time sifting through the past, and help us taking control of our future. We must bury that baggage (old failed relationship) if we ever want to be in another relationship with anyone else, including our ex. In my personal opinion: The thread starter rushed to get the ex back. Love doesn't = obsession One doesn't have to be Dr. Phil to foresee drama coming in the future for this «couple». 10 Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Wow thora-tiki that is one of the best and most inspirational posts I've ever seen on this board. Thank you for sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 ...and I am dating my ex after I went no contact for 10 months - I felt compelled to write something about no contact. No contact breaks us out of the friends zone or relationship limbo, and begins our personal evolution. Staying friends = Relationship limbo Relationship limbo = Constant pain and confusion The purpose of our no contact (time), also called personal evolution (time) is to calm down, get our emotional control back and evolve past the old failed relationship, and survive a break up. That is all. Some say that no contact is manipulating. How can working on yourself, focusing on you and your life, agreeing with the break up, be manipulative? No contact is not manipulative, or saying: I give up. Because we know that nothing lasts forever. Sometimes not even a break up lasts forever. Maybe the ones that say that no contact is manipulative are fans of drama? Once you have buried the past, and regained your self confidence you can either start a new relationship with the ex, or completely move on with someone else. Yes, the carrot on the end of the stick is, for some, reconnect. But the price has always been, and still is, getting you back. Evolution means that you have moved past your old failed relationship to the point where you are not dependent on the ex any more. It doesn't mean you can't love the ex - but it does mean that you realise you could live your life without the ex. The only thing you're going to lose, during no contact, is your connection to the old way you two were together - just before, and after the break up. You must let the old relationship go (evolve), and prepare for a new chance with the ex, or with someone new, in a new relationship. If this is ever going to work with our exes, it has got to be a new relationship, with fresh new perspectives, and attitudes. «Anyone» can get their ex back, but for how long, and will they be happy? If you don't do no contact, you are still waiting for the ex to do something (get back to you) like he/she doesn't have a will of his/her own - or you have a will of your own, for that matter. Whilst you wait for him/her, and you don't evolve. Don't let anything, or anyone, stop you from getting back on track, and succeeding, i.e. getting your life back. If you have evolved (after some months/years of no contact) and the ex stayed the same. Or even gotten worse. Then you probably won't want the ex back anyway. What you don't want is to continue the old failed relationship, you know, the one that ended. You want to start a new relationship with someone. Don't play it safe, get your life back, not just the ex, and watch the magic happen. When we use no contact correctly - i.e. not breaking it all the time - the ex will personally evolve too. We must evolve past the old failed relationship before anything good can happen. There is a point to no contact, it draws a line in the sand, but if you let your ex smudge that line and attempt to erase it, that shows a lack of respect for you, and your feelings. Everyone will agree love is NOTHING without respect, right? You can not build a real relationship without mutual respect for each other. No contact helps us to stop wasting time sifting through the past, and help us taking control of our future. We must bury that baggage (old failed relationship) if we ever want to be in another relationship with anyone else, including our ex. In my personal opinion: The thread starter rushed to get the ex back. Love doesn't = obsession One doesn't have to be Dr. Phil to foresee drama coming in the future for this «couple». If you had ended the post with this it'd be perfect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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