Don't Do NC or Move On If you Don't Want To

[Sugarkane]

Yeah continue contact if you want a restraining order and The ex never to regret it.

[Fufu]

Personally I only stand by this rule:

 

Just got dumped - Please start NC

Reason: At this moment, the dumpees are very emotionally hurt/depressed/upset/anger, so what good it do by remaining contact with the dumpers? The dumpees are just gonna cry their hearts out, apologizing (even if they never make that mistake, they will just take it as their own), some went crazy by stalking their exes, some did drunk calls/textings....... and etc. And the recoil is the dumpers will feel more frustrated by the dumpees' actions and that makes it a more assurance to them that they have make the "right decision".

 

As long as the dumpees feel so much pain in their heart, remain NC. Because one is not at emotionally balanced to even have a proper conversation with themselves. If dumpees always wake up crying, couldn't sleep at night, couldn't eat, constantly questioning their self-worth and self-esteem and yes you are currently not being emotionally balanced.

 

If you are constantly worry about what your ex is doing/feeling, is he/she dating someone new, does he/she want me back, does he/she miss me - remain NC. Because if they come back and tell you they don't miss you, it's over and they are seeing someone new, are you able to handle the truth? And i personally feel one of the worst situation is when the dumper wants to remain friends and contact with the dumpee by stringing them along, prolonging the dumpee's personal healing journey. All all of this never do any good for the dumpees.

 

So back to reconciliation, how does this happen? Yes there are second chances and reconciliation that happens to couple that used to be together. I'm not a person who is against the idea of reconciliation. In my opinion, the reconciliation shouldn't happen when the dumpees are still feeling emotionally hurt over the breakup and the dumpers are still feeling that they should break up with you over (reason(s)). Reconciliation only works when both parties are willingly to to be together again, willingly to be in a committed relationship, willingly to work things out together and willingly to forgo what happened in the past.

 

To dumpees: Only establish communication with your ex if you sincerely feels that he/she is someone worth to be with in your life. And also you should not have that kind of "I can't live without you feelings" anymore. And obviously while you are in the contact with your ex, make sure that he is sincere and obviously want you back for real and not just for booty calls. Because if this reconciliation can't work out again, are you able to handle this break up by the same person again?

 

And personally I'm in a relationship with my ex of 6-7 years ago who initiated the break up, if you have any questions on this reconciliation, feel free to pm.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Fufu

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

...and I am dating my ex after I went no contact for 10 months -

I felt compelled to write something about no contact.

 

No contact breaks us out of the friends zone or relationship limbo,

and begins our personal evolution.

 

Staying friends = Relationship limbo

Relationship limbo = Constant pain and confusion

 

The purpose of our no contact (time), also called personal evolution (time) is to calm down,

get our emotional control back and evolve past the old failed relationship, and survive a break up.

 

That is all.

 

Some say that no contact is manipulating.

 

How can working on yourself, focusing on you and your life,

agreeing with the break up, be manipulative?

 

No contact is not manipulative, or saying: I give up.

 

Because we know that nothing lasts forever.

Sometimes not even a break up lasts forever.

 

Maybe the ones that say that no contact is manipulative are fans of drama?

Once you have buried the past, and regained your self confidence you can either start a new relationship with the ex,

or completely move on with someone else.

 

Yes, the carrot on the end of the stick is, for some, reconnect.

But the price has always been, and still is, getting you back.

 

Evolution means that you have moved past your old failed relationship to the point where you are not dependent on the ex any more.

 

It doesn't mean you can't love the ex -

but it does mean that you realise you could live your life without the ex.

The only thing you're going to lose, during no contact, is your connection to the old way you two were together -

just before, and after the break up.

 

You must let the old relationship go (evolve), and prepare for a new chance with the ex, or with someone new, in a new relationship.

If this is ever going to work with our exes, it has got to be a new relationship, with fresh new perspectives, and attitudes.

 

«Anyone» can get their ex back, but for how long, and will they be happy?

 

If you don't do no contact, you are still waiting for the ex to do something (get back to you) like he/she doesn't have a will of his/her own -

or you have a will of your own, for that matter. Whilst you wait for him/her, and you don't evolve.

 

Don't let anything, or anyone, stop you from getting back on track, and succeeding, i.e. getting your life back.

 

If you have evolved (after some months/years of no contact) and the ex stayed the same. Or even gotten worse.

 

Then you probably won't want the ex back anyway.

What you don't want is to continue the old failed relationship,

you know, the one that ended.

 

You want to start a new relationship with someone.

 

Don't play it safe, get your life back, not just the ex,

and watch the magic happen.

 

When we use no contact correctly -

i.e. not breaking it all the time - the ex will personally evolve too.

 

We must evolve past the old failed relationship before anything good can happen.

There is a point to no contact, it draws a line in the sand, but if you let your ex smudge that line and attempt to erase it,

that shows a lack of respect for you, and your feelings.

 

Everyone will agree love is NOTHING without respect, right?

 

You can not build a real relationship without mutual respect for each other.

 

No contact helps us to stop wasting time sifting through the past,

and help us taking control of our future.

 

We must bury that baggage (old failed relationship) if we ever want to be in another relationship with anyone else, including our ex.

 

In my personal opinion: The thread starter rushed to get the ex back.

 

Love doesn't = obsession

 

One doesn't have to be Dr. Phil to foresee drama coming in the future for this «couple».

 

Boomshakalaka!!!

[lindsay1990]

NC was hardly the easy way out for me.

 

I think the biggest fear confirmed everyday, for me, was to see me actually moving out, leaving the country and my ex absolutely not contacting me for weeks.

 

Then, getting a ****ty breadcrumbs "wish you the best/safe trip" message.... it just let it all sink in.

 

NC saved my life and it was horrible and scary. Far from easy. But it really showed me how much my ex had already been prepared to do without me in his life and without seeing it with my own two eyes, I would have still been thinking he loved me or was "just too hurt" or "too confused" or some other crap.

 

Would he have come around? Maybe. But NC let me see that I wouldn't (and shouldn't reconcile) with him even if he was the last man on Earth.

 

I lost everything in that relationship and in the break up specially, every ounce of dignity and self-love and NC allowed to see just how deep that ran and how low I fell.

[lindsay1990]

 

Let's not forget that break ups happen for a reason. NC gives you time to really realize all the mistakes you and your ex made. It gives you clarity. I could go on and on about what NC does, but I guess you get the idea. You say one needs to act irrational when it comes to love. I guess we differ to what love is and how one must act.

 

 

Emphasis on your ex, for me. I was gaslighted so hard that I just apologized and apologized and apologized for weeks on end. I didn't even know what I was apologizing for.

 

As for the irrationality, NC let me learn also that. NEVER. AGAIN. will I find myself in that position. I don't care if it's the father of my kids or anybody else. I come first, second and third from now in my life.

[lindsay1990]

 

Some say that no contact is manipulating.

 

How can working on yourself, focusing on you and your life,

agreeing with the break up, be manipulative?

 

No contact is not manipulative, or saying: I give up.

 

 

 

Ugh!

 

Ok, first off a couple of notes. I moved in with my ex and broke up a month later and he refused to get back together, his family got involved, three week nightmare, right?

 

At the very beginning, he said that HIS MOTHER had said that if I moved out and went back to my home country that didn't mean we HAD to break up, that I could just go home and then maybe he could visit me and we could try again or see where we were.

 

My response?: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

 

I said: "Oh, so you and your mom decided that I can just move out, leave country and then we can 'talk'? Gee, thanks." I told him that I moved out and left we would never get back together. I said we either stay together and fix things or stay broken up, but I'm not moving out/moving countries to be in some sort of limbo. He (they, him and his mother) decided that this was emotional blackmail on my part.

 

Fast forward three weeks of abuse and horrible fighting and crying everyday and ex told me, an hour before I am leaving town, that even though I asked him to not contact me I am welcome to contact him for anything and I said calmly: Ex, once I leave you will NEVER hear from me again. This turned out to be false as I replied to some breadcrumbs telling him to eff off but anyway, once I said that I never wanted to speak to him again, he said I was ABUSIVE and was just going to CUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE because he "wouldn't do what I wanted" (which had been staying together). Pfft.

 

In retrospect, I realized I was the one who was cut out, kicked out of apartment and life, and owed him nothing. But yeah, he found it abusive and manipulative of me. I think if I move in with a guy and broken up with and gaslighted and blamed and abuse for three weeks after, I have a right to write him off my life for eeeeever.

[ravssss]

Well i agree to this partly ...

 

i was planning to make an id 2 months back ... ofcourse came across LS after being dumped by my ex gf of 1 year ... it came out of the blue ... and i felt devastated ... shattered ... had a lot of health probs as well ... which accompanied it ... infact first 2 weeks were painful ... i went to her place waited for her ...she dint pick my calls when i wanted an answer why ... why ... and later jst got a response that she dint want to talk .. embarassed I came back ... kept thinking abt this whole thing .. realized where I am .. how ****ed up i had become in my mind ... and then after some 1 week ... I feel I was back on track ... am not saying back on track like i dont have her in my mind ... but i was able to concentrate etc etc .. I was being normal focusing on health , work and made some future plans as well ... Well thats all it needs ... and after 4 weeks she gave a call ... I still wanted her back ... but I thought maybe NC was the best thing ... but then I realized am jst behaving like her ... i mean if am really not affected why wud i not respond ... I am not some one who doesnt like ignoring ppl ... no matter who they r ... and so i spoke ... we havent spoken abt getting back or nething now ... and I really dont want to anymore ... after all there wud be one bunch of friends giving her all reasons to break up with me like i have a bunch of friends telling me the same ... i mean its very easy to break things ... and am not talking abt a case where cheating or someone else is involved ... but if its without that then i think u should respect that person and their decision if u loved them for real ... and dooming urself in pain is ones choice ... break up is no excuse

 

Its a personal thing ... Go NC only if u feel u can barely do nething without her ... infact going LC is stupid in a case ... but for ppl who are comfortable with themselves being single and motivated enough to lead a happy life for ppl who care for u ... like parents or siblings or certain friends i think they can easily be in LC and still be very fine ... The ones who suffer are those who forget their friends when they are in the relationship and later feel damn lonely ...

[Ftheeastcoast]

I agree, it is especially hard if it is the first love. I had been trying to get him back the past 3.5 months with everything texting him, begging him, presents for his birthday (that I had already gotten in advance), etc. Bless the sweet ladies at work for trying to set me up with the police officers at work. I finally woke up one day and didn't have any anger or jealousy towards him (if he was seeing other women or not). I've been praying to God daily about us and to work on us daily (as we both had faults to it). I've got 20 more days of no contact and its been so hard!!. I've been doing a 31 day devotion so should end by the time it ends. Hopefully I will be a stronger person by then and be happy with being by myself if he still hasn't changed his answer by then. I have personally deactivated my facebook for 30 days to act like I've fallen off the face of the earth. But I feel that he needs to realize what it would be like with out me.

 

 

 

Why'd you bring this terrible thread back?

 

You need to stop and move on. You're acting incredibly insecure and it's borderline stalking. He's not coming back, you've just made yourself his crazy ex girlfriend and he's ecstatic you're finally stopping.

 

That's why you move on. People don't come back to pathetic ex's, they come back to people who are independently strong, learn from situations and accept they can't control people.