Mother preventing me from meeting friends

[nina.S.]

Hi everyone,

 

I am hoping to get a little bit of advice on a family/friendship issue (but this will be quite a long post, so thank you in advance if you read it all ).

 

As the question title says, my mother is preventing me from meeting some of my friends. A little background: I am 20 years old, at university far, far away from home (partly due to my mother's conceited and controlling behaviour). I go back home 4 times a year and that's when I wish to see my friends. They are a married couple in their late thirties, but we get along very well (simply said - I am an "old soul" and they are both "young souls", so we kinda meet in the middle ). I have known the wife (let's call her Jenny) for about a year, and her husband and kids, too - wonderful family, a complete opposite of my own. Jenny is such a "positive thinker" - like a fresh breeze to my miserable life, every aspect of which was controlled by my mother. She made me realize how much I have in live, how fortunate I am and she loves me as a daughter she never had. She is also my father's "shoulder to cry on" (he is very unhappy in the marriage with mum, but wouldn't leave because of just giving up on life and love).

 

So my dad meets Jenny regularly as a friend (but secretly, because of my mother's disapproal and for the sake of peace in the family) - and I also want to meet her when I am back home, have a chat, a few drinks, etc. (drinking age in my country = 18 yrs, no worries). I see nothing wrong with that - I mean, Jenny and her husband aren't perfect, but they are very nice people and I see no reason why my mother yells at me every time I come home after an evening out with them. Like a few weeks ago - I came home at around midnight and in the morning, she'd yell at me, saying that I must stop meeting them, because they are innapropriate friends for me, that I should meet with peers, described Jenny as a slut who "seduces" my father and uses him for car rides etc. etc. She hates them both for a reason unknown to me. As none of her accusations are true, it was an upsetting scene for me - but after years of this quarrelsome behaviour, I learned how to tune out and not go crazy with guilt and self-depreciation for not obeying her demands.

 

I find this demand to stop meeting her to be absolutely unreasonable. Why should I meet her in secret and fear my mum's reaction? She and her husband are not drug addicts, drinkers, anything like that! But, as my mum said, they are not "up to par", meaning they are not as wealthy as we are, or as "cultured" as we are, or whatever...but who the hell is she to judge people like this?! Besides, I am 20 years old, not a toddler - I have the right to make my own informed decisions, including those about meeting certain people! If you want to make an argument about me obeying my mum because I am not yet independent (financially) - then make it (but it is my dad who pays all my expenses since mum does not really work).

 

Anyway, my question is:how on earth am I supposed to keep this valuable friendship if my mother explicitly forbade me from doing so?! I don't want to go against her and then suffer the consequences, but I fail to see any healthy reasoning in her decision (perhaps jealousy - does she think my dad is cheating on her with Jenny and wants to cut all contact?)??? I just don't know what to do and I am sooo mentally tired of all the lies that me and my dad have to tell her everytime we talk to Jenny. Dear people on this forum, what would you do in this situation?

[Foxinthesnow]

I think your mom assumes (right or wrong) that your dad is cheating on her with this woman, and maybe he is, at least emotionally. And maybe he has his reasons. But I think that is why she gets so mad when you guys hang out. Twisting the knife so to speak.

 

I never had a good relationship with my folks so my opinion may be off, but I am of the opinion that you have to make up your own mind and be your own person. If your mom has a problem with it, then she should be ignored. It's your life not hers and you aren't doing anything wrong. Keep in mind this may destroy your relationship with your mother. Is it worth it? That is up to you. But make up your mind and go with it.

 

Also. It seemed like you were still living with your mom, at least on visits. You can't really tell your mom to shove off then expect to crash there. Are you new friends cool enough to give you a place to stay? These are things you need to think about.

 

Last but not least. You are 20. I know you are a grown up and an old soul and you are probably a wonderful person. But looking back 10 years, I was an idiot at 20. not because I was dumb or anything, I've just had 10 years to reflect on the stuff I did back then. just know that. I matter how smart you are now, you will be even smarter down the road. And be prepared to live with the stuff you do now for a very long time.

 

Best of luck.