Why do dumpers really come back?

[jod1983]

Hey man I think we have the exact same situation going on and i'd like to compare notes with you if there is a way to chat.

[Sugarkane]

Sorry but that has been my experience and I wouldn't do that to someone myself. I wanted to know why since so many males do. You don't see many women come back just for sex, do you?

Everything that everyone who has ever lived has ever done was for selfish reasons, even if that reason is 'im gonna jump on this grenade because if i dont my brothers are going to die and i couldn't live with that' it's still selfish. So there you go, mind=blown. Being selfish means nothing because it's what motivates everyone every day of their lives, to feel good or feel good about themselves or work towards goals that are going to give them that.

 

And sugarkane could you please stop trying to paint men as somehow worse or differently motivated in breakups than women please? i recognise that you've been hurt by a guy but none of the stuff you say about us is true, it's just a mass generalisation based on your own confirmation bias. Quit it.

 

OP chances are all of the reasons you gave, or several of them at once. Personally i didnt think going back was an option (it wasn't) so i convinced myself (successfully) that i didnt want to be with her, when we first broke up i actually didn't and a few months after i pretty much did but held off the upset by telling myself it wasn't possible. Anyway then we had a huge falling out and suddenly it was possible again. And then some really terrible stuff happened to her and all i wanted was to be there for her, **** the rest of the world. It was like a light turning back on after trying to pretend the switch wasnt there anymore for months. It was never a sex thing, i can get sex relatively easily but its pretty empty and meaningless. If its ever a sex thing then i suspect it's a 'sex with that particular person' thing and the emotional connections it has. In b4 herp derp guys dont have emotions and only care about sex.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Sugarkane

[EIK]

Hey man I think we have the exact same situation going on and i'd like to compare notes with you if there is a way to chat.

 

Would that be me?

[ks0985]

Dumpers usually come back because either they are bored (late at night need some ass) Or things are rocky with the current person they are with and need someone to fall back on, someone they know will give them the attention they need for that moment ( an ex) Dumpers always come back for selfish reason. I have been on both sides of this

[emz23]

I want him back because breaking up with him was a huge mistake that should never have happened. I let emotions overrun me and I put up a wall to avoid a difficult situation instead of thinking things through.

[melell]

Dumpers usually come back because either they are bored (late at night need some ass) Or things are rocky with the current person they are with and need someone to fall back on, someone they know will give them the attention they need for that moment ( an ex) Dumpers always come back for selfish reason. I have been on both sides of this

 

 

This is very true.

 

But I think a lot of the time dumpees take/want them back for selfish reasons also. When emotions are involved it is seems that very seldom are both parties 'best' interests top priority.

[j.gman]

Well, they will come back if they realize that they screwed up and you're a great person.

[tma]

I came back because I realized I made a huge mistake and that I didn't want to live my life without them. Unfortunately, I hurt him too much by breaking up with him and it ruined his feelings for me. So he would not take me back. I guess it was deserved though for ending it in the first place.

[JonClark]

I came back because I realized I made a huge mistake and that I didn't want to live my life without them. Unfortunately, I hurt him too much by breaking up with him and it ruined his feelings for me. So he would not take me back. I guess it was deserved though for ending it in the first place.

I'm curious, how long after did you regret your break-up? Was it because you couldn't move on or because he moved on?

[tma]

I'm curious, how long after did you regret your break-up? Was it because you couldn't move on or because he moved on?

 

It was honestly under a week. And it wasn't for either of those reasons. It was because I realized I made a mistake.

[EIK]

I came back because I realized I made a huge mistake and that I didn't want to live my life without them. Unfortunately, I hurt him too much by breaking up with him and it ruined his feelings for me. So he would not take me back. I guess it was deserved though for ending it in the first place.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's quite similar to my situation - although 2 months after the breakup I went after my ex I had dumped and later realized it was a huge mistake, and managed to get back together with her.

 

She really tried to avoid me when I contacted her because I hurt her too much and was kind of moving on, but we talked so much over the course of a week and decided to give it another try, after all.

 

I know she went through hell in those 2 months we were separated and it was all my mistake. She had made considerable progress in getting over me and I would never have tried to get back if I wasn't completely sure of what I wanted. She was trying and succeeding in moving on and had apparently lost all her feelings for me. She didn't want to get back together... She just didn't feel anything anymore: didn't feel any need to be around me, didn't miss me, barely thought about me, didn't feel any spark or attraction. It was really tough to hear about all that. Not that I didn't deserve it, but I guess it's just human nature to feel uncomfortable when rejected.

 

We talked, though, and she decided to give it another try, for the sake of all the happiness we had together in the past, in the hopes we could relive it, even though she didn't believe it was possible. The reason she got back together with me then was fear of eventually regretting not having done so later on.

 

We've been back together for 2 weeks now, and things are getting better. Bit by bit, we recovered her feelings, although not completely, and she is trying to trust me again, but it's really not the same as before the breakup. At least the love wasn't all gone. We're making good progress. Now it sometimes even feels like before the breakup, but she really fears giving in and relying on me again completely. Maybe it's too early, but maybe she will never be able to do so again. Only time will tell.

 

Having your heart broken by someone you love and trust can indeed be very damaging. I am very grateful for my second chance.

Edited November 11, 2013 by EIK

[Sugarkane]

It seems they only think twice, if they see you with someone else?

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's quite similar to my situation - although 2 months after the breakup I went after my ex I had dumped and later realized it was a huge mistake, and managed to get back together with her.

 

She really tried to avoid me when I contacted her because I hurt her too much and was kind of moving on, but we talked so much over the course of a week and decided to give it another try, after all.

 

I know she went through hell in those 2 months we were separated and it was all my mistake. She had made considerable progress in getting over me and I would never have tried to get back if I wasn't completely sure of what I wanted. She was trying and succeeding in moving on and had apparently lost all her feelings for me. She didn't want to get back together... She just didn't feel anything anymore: didn't feel any need to be around me, didn't miss me, barely thought about me, didn't feel any spark or attraction. It was really tough to hear about all that. Not that I didn't deserve it, but I guess it's just human nature to feel uncomfortable when rejected.

 

We talked, though, and she decided to give it another try, for the sake of all the happiness we had together in the past, in the hopes we could relive it, even though she didn't believe it was possible. The reason she got back together with me then was fear of eventually regretting not having done so later on.

 

We've been back together for 2 weeks now, and things are getting better. Bit by bit, we recovered her feelings, although not completely, and she is trying to trust me again, but it's really not the same as before the breakup. At least the love wasn't all gone. We're making good progress. Now it sometimes even feels like before the breakup, but she really fears giving in and relying on me again completely. Maybe it's too early, but maybe she will never be able to do so again. Only time will tell.

 

Having your heart broken by someone you love and trust can indeed be very damaging. I am very grateful for my second chance.

 

I have to underline the bolded.

 

I understand where she's coming from. It could be that she actually lost her identity when she was with you and she's being really cautious about being with you.

 

Don't force her to rely too much on you, any persons in relationships should always maintain some kind of of independence otherwise it can lead to codenpendency.

 

All I'm saying is, you should respect her wishes to not want to rely on you. Just show that you care about her feelings and about her and that will be enough.

[EIK]

I have to underline the bolded.

 

I understand where she's coming from. It could be that she actually lost her identity when she was with you and she's being really cautious about being with you.

 

Don't force her to rely too much on you, any persons in relationships should always maintain some kind of of independence otherwise it can lead to codenpendency.

 

All I'm saying is, you should respect her wishes to not want to rely on you. Just show that you care about her feelings and about her and that will be enough.

 

Thanks a lot, xpaperxcutx.

 

Assessing this whole thing, I never gave much thought to her being codependent, which has always been the case in our relationship before the breakup. A bit more independence on her part wouldn't do any harm, of course, but I can't see the connection between this and her trust in me very clearly. I'm not really sure what you mean.

 

As for giving her space and respecting her feelings, that's totally what I'm trying to do. I told her not to put any pressure on herself, as she wants to feel the same way she felt about me before the breakup, but can't. I told her in the beginning, even if she doesn't wanna try anymore it's fine, I'll understand, even though I really want it to work and will do everything I can. I'm being as supportive as I can, and in the beginning I felt like she didn't even care or want me around, and it was really frustrating.

 

Things really got better quickly, though, and she has sort of regained her feelings for me. Well, sort of... I feel her a little distant sometimes. And there is still the underlined/bolded issue, though. I hope we can get through that as well in the future.

[newmoon]

all of my ex's but one have come back (and failed, I don't take anyone back). i don't know why each came back, but i like to think it's because with the time, distance, and dates/relationships they had since their split with me, it made them realize what a really great catch i actually was. i'm sure the reasons were varied, but i would guess it stems from loneliness, and realizing the grass isn't always greener. it might also be that the ex has one amazing quality they just cannot find in another person and they want the comfort of that. whatever the reasons the past is better left in the past.

[lylat333]

all of my ex's but one have come back (and failed, I don't take anyone back). i don't know why each came back, but i like to think it's because with the time, distance, and dates/relationships they had since their split with me, it made them realize what a really great catch i actually was.

Can't help myself from asking... did you go cold NC and how long before you heard from them?

[Krakenos]

Your're talking about situation where ex realize that she/he screwed up things and want to come back, but what about situation when she/he is in new realtionship, and knows what not to do.. she/he will not come back and new guy/girl will take benefits from your break up... that is sad scenario.. and you are fealing as some kind of "training dummy"

[Taramere]

To make them feel better that they dumped you and can still hang out with you without commitment?

 

Because they realized they screwed up?

 

Because they care about you and enjoyed your company?

 

For sex during dry spells?

 

I'm looking for reasons from dumpers who later reached out to those they dumped.

 

My guess that "to check that they can come back" is a big part of it. That they want to check you're still an option. Of course they'll couch it in terms of how special you are, how you don't know what you have until it's gone etc etc. Perhaps a part of them even believes it - and maybe in a minority of cases those really are the reasons - but if somebody finds you so fantastic, why would they end a relationship with you in the first place? Unless there's been some terrible misunderstanding, or an out of character piece of behaviour that resulted in an argument leading to a temp break up.

 

What's the question that underlies the one you've posed? Is somebody who dumped you now trying to get back with you?

Edited November 12, 2013 by Taramere

[travelonic]

but if somebody finds you so fantastic, why would they end a relationship with you in the first place?

 

Because this is not a perfect world pipe dream, perhaps.

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks a lot, xpaperxcutx.

 

Assessing this whole thing, I never gave much thought to her being codependent, which has always been the case in our relationship before the breakup. A bit more independence on her part wouldn't do any harm, of course, but I can't see the connection between this and her trust in me very clearly. I'm not really sure what you mean.

 

As for giving her space and respecting her feelings, that's totally what I'm trying to do. I told her not to put any pressure on herself, as she wants to feel the same way she felt about me before the breakup, but can't. I told her in the beginning, even if she doesn't wanna try anymore it's fine, I'll understand, even though I really want it to work and will do everything I can. I'm being as supportive as I can, and in the beginning I felt like she didn't even care or want me around, and it was really frustrating.

 

Things really got better quickly, though, and she has sort of regained her feelings for me. Well, sort of... I feel her a little distant sometimes. And there is still the underlined/bolded issue, though. I hope we can get through that as well in the future.

 

You talk about trust and I can tell you that old saying- once trust is gone it's very hard to earn or gain back. Your girlfriend associated trust with you always being there for her, and because you initiated the breakup, she viewed you breaking the relationship as a betrayal.

 

I can you tell, when two people come together as a couple there arises three important things- trust, love and respect. Where there is trust, there is respect, and where there is respect there is love. Because you broke up with her, the love she felt for you dissipated over the period of NC, and because there is no love, there might not be any of the respect that was once in the relationship, and there is no trust on her part, for believing that you won't hurt her again. At least this is how I view things.

 

Like I said, don't force her. Just like it's not possible for a woman to chase and force a guy, you just need to give her the space she needs to feel comfortable being with you again.

[EIK]

You talk about trust and I can tell you that old saying- once trust is gone it's very hard to earn or gain back. Your girlfriend associated trust with you always being there for her, and because you initiated the breakup, she viewed you breaking the relationship as a betrayal.

 

I can you tell, when two people come together as a couple there arises three important things- trust, love and respect. Where there is trust, there is respect, and where there is respect there is love. Because you broke up with her, the love she felt for you dissipated over the period of NC, and because there is no love, there might not be any of the respect that was once in the relationship, and there is no trust on her part, for believing that you won't hurt her again. At least this is how I view things.

 

Like I said, don't force her. Just like it's not possible for a woman to chase and force a guy, you just need to give her the space she needs to feel comfortable being with you again.

 

 

No. It seems there is love after all (even though it's been shaken), and definitely respect. But you're right... especially because the breakup came from out of the blue for her (my mistake), the trust is broken. I really hope it can all be restored someday.

[Enamoral]

No. It seems there is love after all (even though it's been shaken), and definitely respect. But you're right... especially because the breakup came from out of the blue for her (my mistake), the trust is broken. I really hope it can all be restored someday.

 

What I would give for my ex boyfriend to say these words. The day he left we discussing Christmas and what to get my kids. I didn't have a clue. I don't think he did either. I miss him. My kids miss him. Reading this thread is like walking into a room full of people who understand exactly how your feeling. Its wonderful. Thank you guys

 

6 weeks today everything changed.