LaceyFace Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Do you feel it was or it is worth it to wait it out?! Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 To wait until the MM leaves, you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaceyFace Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Was it worth the wait,.....wether it ended or worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I don't really get the question. What exactly do you mean by "the wait"? It wasn't a conscious wait for me. At the time I was in the A, it was a time for me where I could afford that mistake in a way. I was in college and I wasn't looking to marry anyone, settle down or anything, so in that regard it wasn't like I was waiting on him to leave or do anything which would impact my future decisions. Although I didn't expect him to leave I did grow tired of the constrains and it had to end because of it...but I didn't wait technically, in that I also saw other people. Granted, I was in love with him so not in fact emotionally available for a real relationship with anyone else, but I tried to be smart and protect myself by also seeing others and not acting like he was a single boyfriend with whom I'd be just as faithful to or plan my future around. If he wanted that, then things would need to change. Now, I definitely wouldn't wait on anything, as I am at a more critical stage in my life where waiting indefinitely for some married guy would be a waste of my time frankly. I have a friend in that position and I know she hopes it will be worth it, but I doubt it. She has given this man 5 years and has yet to see any change, she broke it off briefly, but it's back on...and for her sake I hope it is worth the wait, but it seems like the same tired tale. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Well, for me it was worth it. My guy left his marriage, divorced, and we are a couple. But... it certainly was not easy. We were in the affair for about a year, a little less, I think. Then, he left and lived on his own. We dated during that time, but kept things pretty quiet during his divorce. The divorce went pretty smoothly, as his children are adults, so there was just splitting the finances. His kids were also pretty open to me because, while they were not happy that he cheated, they understood why and he is very close with them still. They love their mother too, and that's good. After the divorce, we just kept dating like a normal couple would, and the transition was okay. The hard part was that really, cheating is not a great solution. I understand why he did it and why I participated, but still, we will have to live with that fact forever. That our relationship began that way. I won't lie about it if anyone asks, but I sure wish I didn't have to live with that. I wish his wife hadn't been hurt the way she was. It would have been better for her if he had just left for the million reasons that he did. Now, it will always be "He had an affair" and it will never, ever be "we were not good for one another, we were not happy for a long time". So that sucks. Having said all that (sorry, I know I'm rambling), I would do it again. He is worth it. WE are worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I didn't wait. I wouldn't wait. Asking someone to wait for THIS reason is never fair or right. If and when people become free, then things can resume. But wait? No. Don't do it. Life is too precious and short. Was the A worth it, worth our pain and suffering? Even though we did not end up together? But love each other still? That's a better question. It must be a good question because 13 months after ending, I still don't know the answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I found out recently that a friend of mine did something rather unique and I am not sure many could have done the same. but they are both happily together now and its been almost 4 years... He met her while he was still married..They carried on a PA for about 6 months. He(they?) conjured up a plan...He didnt want to be caught cheating and he didnt want it to be known that he left his marriage for another woman...So, they both consciously decided to break off the A for a period that lasted 18 months...It took around 10 mos to get fully divorced and they consciously waited the additional 8 months so it didnt look so obvious. During that time they never physically saw each other..He is a high level exec for a major pharm co and she is a corporate attorney that travels a lot.. They only communicated by a secret email address. No text, No cell contact..etc.. It helped that they are busy people.. The whole world thinks he met her after the D..They are very happy now and he is considering remarrying.. I would imagine only a fraction of OW would have signed on for this...But it as seemed to work out so....*shrug* TFY Link to post Share on other sites
GypsumSatellite Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I don't wait for him to leave his M. I've never considered that an option that was ever on the table and I don't particularly want him to leave his M either. He accepts I'm single, I accept he's married. I'm living my life right alongside his. If he became single, it doesn't mean we'd be together. No relationship has a binding agreement attached, which is something made all the more obvious due to circumstances. It's worth it depending on what you're looking for out of the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I decided not to wait. I had dated other men in the meantime, and when it started he wanted to stay in the marriage for his daughter (she is now 18). Then it became when she left the house and started college (supposed to happen in January). I finally just said, I can't wait around any longer for you to figure out your life. I can't do this in good conscience to another woman. Whenever this topic comes up, he gets insulting - tells me my moral code is too rigid. If he knows I am dating other people, he panics ... I finally told him I have a right to a life, he has chosen his path and I have a right to choose mine. He told me his marriage is a business relationship, no more - I just no longer believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I found out recently that a friend of mine did something rather unique and I am not sure many could have done the same. but they are both happily together now and its been almost 4 years... He met her while he was still married..They carried on a PA for about 6 months. He(they?) conjured up a plan...He didnt want to be caught cheating and he didnt want it to be known that he left his marriage for another woman...So, they both consciously decided to break off the A for a period that lasted 18 months...It took around 10 mos to get fully divorced and they consciously waited the additional 8 months so it didnt look so obvious. During that time they never physically saw each other..He is a high level exec for a major pharm co and she is a corporate attorney that travels a lot.. They only communicated by a secret email address. No text, No cell contact..etc.. It helped that they are busy people.. The whole world thinks he met her after the D..They are very happy now and he is considering remarrying.. I would imagine only a fraction of OW would have signed on for this...But it as seemed to work out so....*shrug* TFY Well that is a more respectful way to handle everything. You don't hear of it often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaceyFace Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 I found out recently that a friend of mine did something rather unique and I am not sure many could have done the same. but they are both happily together now and its been almost 4 years... He met her while he was still married..They carried on a PA for about 6 months. He(they?) conjured up a plan...He didnt want to be caught cheating and he didnt want it to be known that he left his marriage for another woman...So, they both consciously decided to break off the A for a period that lasted 18 months...It took around 10 mos to get fully divorced and they consciously waited the additional 8 months so it didnt look so obvious. During that time they never physically saw each other..He is a high level exec for a major pharm co and she is a corporate attorney that travels a lot.. They only communicated by a secret email address. No text, No cell contact..etc.. It helped that they are busy people.. The whole world thinks he met her after the D..They are very happy now and he is considering remarrying.. I would imagine only a fraction of OW would have signed on for this...But it as seemed to work out so....*shrug* TFY Goes to show that if the love is truely there, you will find a way no matter how long or tough of a situation. Not too many of us are this lucky. So very happy to hear that there are people out there that respect each other's lives enough to make things right and not taint the situation. Kudos. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Do you feel it was or it is worth it to wait it out?! I guess for me, the word "waiting" implies that I was just killing time while he got his act together and left. That's not what happened. Once we decided we wanted to be together, we explored several options of what that might look like, before settling on one. For that to happen, there were several things we each needed to do - his dumping her and moving out was only a small part of the whole "to do" list. He did his stuff, I did mine, and we've been together now as a boring married couple far longer than we were together as an A couple. So of the question is, was it worth it for us to continue to invest in the A, yea, it totally was. If the question is, do you advise others to wait, my answer is always the same. I never advise anyone to "wait". If your R - any kind of R, not just an A - is not giving you *today* what you want from a R, you should cut your losses and move on. A R is only sustainable in the long term if both parties are having their needs met. If yours are not, there is no point pinning hopes on some magical future which may never happen. But if you are happy today, then today is all that matters today. Look at it again tomorrow and decide anew. If it stops giving you what you want, it's time to move on. Your R should grow and change with your own growth and changing needs. If it stops doing that it's a habit, not a R. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I agree with C. I wasn't "waiting" per say. I had an agreed upon time period that he needed to resolve things but we were not stagnant in that time period. I did focus also on "am I happy with things today" so even outside this time frame if I was finding that I was not happy on a reasonable balance I would work to change or end the relationship. I was happy with the relationship and I am happy with the relationship now. But if I felt that the bad outweighed the good I would walk. It doesn't matter the relationship type, I refuse to be in an unhappy relationship with no concrete actions to improve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I didn't 'wait' either. When I wasn't happy with the R I ended it and he stayed in his M. 5 years later he was back with his D and now we've been together, post D, for a year. At this minute I'm writing from a beachside resort in Spain where we're enjoying a vacation. We're off for some dinner in a minute and I'm nursing a sunburn so I am very happy we ended up together. I think one of the reasons we did end up together is because I never allowed myself to settle on him or an R that wasn't making me happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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