Dealbreakers

[Silly_Girl]

I just read a post in another thread about the dangers of believing mismatched libidos will become less of a problem over time, when the opposite (in my opinion) is true.

 

On a different note, the other evening my husband and I were talking about a colleague of his; her fiancé left her because she couldn't have children and 1 year later is engaged to someone else - who is pregnant.

 

I personally think leaving a relationship because you want children is one of the most forgivable reasons (my husband disagrees). For some people it's a huge deal. It's a physical need, to them, that they must address. Prior to getting engaged we agreed that children would not be the only goal of our relationship and we would consider adoption before ruling out the possibility of having kids. We both feel very strongly that being together was the top priority and all else came second. But not everyone feels that way.

 

Just wondered what other dealbreakers would/should impact on the decision of whether to marry someone.

 

I'm thinking in terms of subjective stuff where no one is wrong as such, but the difference is too great to make it work. So not that someone is unkind, or a racist, or abusive etc, but reasons 2 decent people who love each other might not be able to make it work

[Nyla]

• No education beyond high school.
  
• Has children or wants children in the future.
  
• More than ten years my senior.
  
• Less than five years my senior.
  
• Smokes cigarettes.
  
• Drinks excessively.
  
• Penis less than five inches.
  
• Penis more than seven inches. (I know what size feels good to me.)
  
• Not good in bed.
  
• Hates giving and receiving oral.
  
• Does not read or enjoy history.
  
• Being cheap.
  
• Hates animals.
  

My husband doesn't have any of these traits.

[MissBee]

I've realized that marriage is about making a life with someone, that is, life will be life as usual and you're choosing a partner to be by your side to go through the exciting, mundane, happy, sad, stressful, confusing, and all other kinds of moments with. I therefore need someone with whom I feel I have enough of the fundamentals in common with, with whom I can create a comfortable life (emotionally and otherwise). Loving someone doesn't mean you're a good team I've learned, so for me, I need someone I love and am in love with but where we also make a good team in terms of the actual practical and fundamental things in life and where they're helping me grow as a person and me them.

 

I do not believe I could have a genuinely fulfilling and comfortable life longterm with someone who:

 

- Doesn't want children, biological or adopted- I really want kids

- Militant atheist - I'm not super religious but I am spiritual and can't really see myself with someone who is aggressively against any kind of belief

-Militant Christian or any other super religious person

- Doesn't like to travel - travel is in my blood. I LOVE it! I do it a lot, it's one of my favorite things to do and I could not have a happy life with a spouse who was uninterested in seeing the world

- Low libido/isn't affectionate - I am a sexual being and I am also very affectionate and need affection, not just sexual touch, so couldn't be happy with a man who was uncomfortable with non-sexual intimacy or one whose sex drive was lower than mine. Higher I could probably handle but lower, probably not.

-Cheap - miserly mentalities irk me and I could not be happy with a man who was cheap and miserly. I would be miserable.

- Doesn't do oral -- but seriously. I couldn't marry a man knowing he doesn't enjoy this and I'll never experience it again...hell no! Basically we have to be sexually compatible period.

-Doesn't enjoy learning - one need not be an academic, but I need a man who enjoys life and learning and is well-read, likes to know things, discuss things, keeps abreast of what's going on in life, who can converse with me, debate with me, challenge me etc. I do not think I could be happy in a relationship in which there is no intellectual sparring. I would quickly grow bored.

-Doesn't get along with my family/friends - my family is very important to me and my dearest friends and I cannot imagine how I'd have any sort of comfortable relationship with a man who didn't get on with them for whatever reason. Nice as he may be, if I can't incorporate you into my family and circle of friends, essentially the people who love me and knew me before you, then I don't see how we'd work out long term.

Edited October 31, 2013 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

Really good post Miss Bee. Your list is almost mine, save the fact I'm an atheist

[mercuryshadow]

*Must like children and be caring toward my son.

*Must be open to the idea of more children.

*Must be patient.

*Must have good listening skills.

*Must not smoke or use drugs.

*Must be able to hold intelligent conversation with me.

*Must be spiritually open but not overtly religious.

*Must not have a history of dishonesty or infidelity.

*Must be approved of by my family and friends (just to add: my family and friends have always been pretty accurate in their judgment of my former partners. And now, they do love my FI!)

*Must have respectable friends

*Must like animals.

*Must enjoy travel and adventure.

*Must be kind and caring toward others and be able to exercise some level of compassion.

*Must have a libido that matches mine. I need intimacy relatively often in a R. Affection included.

[Silly_Girl]

So what happens if kids is a Must, or Must Not and you settle down with someone who was aligned with you, and later changes their mind?

[mercuryshadow]

So what happens if kids is a Must, or Must Not and you settle down with someone who was aligned with you, and later changes their mind?

 

 

That is a good question and one I can't answer easily. I love my FI, I feel he is the love of my life, yet if he were to tell me after we are married that he has changed his mind about children, it'd hurt a bit because it was one of the first things he asked me when we were getting serious (i.e. "Would you like to have more children?") I'd consider his reasoning, and I can't say for sure that if I could not come to terms with his reasoning, that I'd leave him, but it'd be really difficult for me. Before I met my FI, I was not dead-set on having more children. After I met him and he took my own son under his wing and I saw how wonderful a father he would make, I fell in love with the idea of having a child with him someday (these feelings were mutual). But still, I suppose that if he changed his mind, yes, leaving the marriage would be on the table. If for some medical reason he couldn't have children, leaving the relationship would not cross my mind.

Edited October 31, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[Keenly]

So what happens if kids is a Must, or Must Not and you settle down with someone who was aligned with you, and later changes their mind?

 

 

If you come together and have a mutual agreement to or to not have kids (lets use not having kids for this example) and one party later changes their mind, that relationship is over.

 

You can not compromise on having kids. One party will resent the other for not having kids, and the other party will resent them for having kids. Ive heard people try and convince their spouse to "compromise" by "just having 1" but last time I checked thats not a compromise at all, that's just one person getting their way over another.

[ThomasD]

It's hard for me to be real specific about what the "dealbreakers" are, because I think I can allow at least some compromise or tolerance even on matters I feel strongly about. I can name a few areas I'd examine closely, though:

 

• The nature of marriage. It's a lifelong commitment, and you have to be willing to work for that goal.
  
• Friendship. Essentially being "in like" with each other. Appreciating the companionship. I'd lump "attraction" in here - which usually (but not necessarily) means physical attraction, though mental attraction is probably more important than many people realize. Even physical attraction doesn't mean the same thing to all people - the girl I consider long, lean and luscious could be a skinny broad with no boobs to someone else.
  
• Your general life plans and goals must be compatible. The question of children falls under this, as well as things like careers, living locations, role of extended family, significance of religion & philosophy.
  
• Basic attitudes about money, wealth and spending.
  
• Sex. Not the questions of frequency, skill and technique, but rather being willing and responsive partners for each other.
  

[melell]

• Negative person
  
• Closed minded
  
• Regularly dishonest
  
• unable to appreciate/be happy with just the little things
  

Thats it. And I figure if they are open minded anything can be considered- kids, travel etc.

 

 

The last one is probably the most important to me.

[pink_sugar]

-abusive

-obsessed with football (I'm serious, I cannot stand the sport)

-lack of job stability

-no ambition whatsoever to further themselves as a person or career wise

-Eats junk all the time and won't take care of themselves

-partying types

-super religious

-right wing...sorry I just couldn't be with someone who didn't share the same views regarding important things like abortion or etc

-poor me attitude

-must like animals, especially cats

-doesn't like travel

Edited November 1, 2013 by pink_sugar

[Silly_Girl]

If you come together and have a mutual agreement to or to not have kids (lets use not having kids for this example) and one party later changes their mind, that relationship is over.

 

You can not compromise on having kids. One party will resent the other for not having kids, and the other party will resent them for having kids. Ive heard people try and convince their spouse to "compromise" by "just having 1" but last time I checked thats not a compromise at all, that's just one person getting their way over another.

 

Agree with this.

[Silly_Girl]

 

Just wondered what other dealbreakers would/should impact on the decision of whether to marry someone.

 

I'm thinking in terms of subjective stuff where no one is wrong as such, but the difference is too great to make it work. So not that someone is unkind, or a racist, or abusive etc, but reasons 2 decent people who love each other might not be able to make it work

 

The thread hasn't really answered this.

 

For me, religious preference is one of those. Neither of you are wrong, your choices don't make you a bad person, but I can't be with someone who is religious.

 

Ambition also. Plenty of people are satisfied and content and don't feel a need to strive. And that works for them, they are happy with their lot. I'm ambitious and want the best I can realistically get, and will make sacrifices and go out of my way to do so. In fact, this is one of 2 or 3 things that meant my first marriage broke down. He's a great guy and we were never really unhappy together, but I struggled that in his 20s he'd stopped pushing and trying and shooting for more.

[Tayla]

Forever amazed at some of the "physical" traits that determine if a marriage is going to work. Hands down, if the marriage last, the love has all but gone if its based on physical attributes and performance.

 

POINT BLANK- RELIGION, POLITICS, AND MORAL CHARACTER will make or break the marriage.

[thefooloftheyear]

-Post graduate level education..

-Trust fund...all documents will be carefully reviewed for authenticity.

-Not more than 5 lbs from absolute perfect ideal weight and bodyfat.

-Weigh ins will be mandatory..

-minimum of 1M net worth/assets

-own a home of their own..Minimum 5K sq ft, 6 car garage

-minimum 800 credit score.

-minimum 175K/yr job.

-No smelly vag...

-No smelly feet.

-Never fart(in my presence, anyway).

 

Once we get past that, then we can review general compatibility...

 

 

TFY

[Nyla]

I've realized that marriage is about making a life with someone, that is, life will be life as usual and you're choosing a partner to be by your side to go through the exciting, mundane, happy, sad, stressful, confusing, and all other kinds of moments with. I therefore need someone with whom I feel I have enough of the fundamentals in common with, with whom I can create a comfortable life (emotionally and otherwise). Loving someone doesn't mean you're a good team I've learned, so for me, I need someone I love and am in love with but where we also make a good team in terms of the actual practical and fundamental things in life and where they're helping me grow as a person and me them.

 

I do not believe I could have a genuinely fulfilling and comfortable life longterm with someone who:

 

- Doesn't want children, biological or adopted- I really want kids

- Militant atheist - I'm not super religious but I am spiritual and can't really see myself with someone who is aggressively against any kind of belief

-Militant Christian or any other super religious person

- Doesn't like to travel - travel is in my blood. I LOVE it! I do it a lot, it's one of my favorite things to do and I could not have a happy life with a spouse who was uninterested in seeing the world

- Low libido/isn't affectionate - I am a sexual being and I am also very affectionate and need affection, not just sexual touch, so couldn't be happy with a man who was uncomfortable with non-sexual intimacy or one whose sex drive was lower than mine. Higher I could probably handle but lower, probably not.

-Cheap - miserly mentalities irk me and I could not be happy with a man who was cheap and miserly. I would be miserable.

- Doesn't do oral -- but seriously. I couldn't marry a man knowing he doesn't enjoy this and I'll never experience it again...hell no! Basically we have to be sexually compatible period.

-Doesn't enjoy learning - one need not be an academic, but I need a man who enjoys life and learning and is well-read, likes to know things, discuss things, keeps abreast of what's going on in life, who can converse with me, debate with me, challenge me etc. I do not think I could be happy in a relationship in which there is no intellectual sparring. I would quickly grow bored.

-Doesn't get along with my family/friends - my family is very important to me and my dearest friends and I cannot imagine how I'd have any sort of comfortable relationship with a man who didn't get on with them for whatever reason. Nice as he may be, if I can't incorporate you into my family and circle of friends, essentially the people who love me and knew me before you, then I don't see how we'd work out long term.

 

I love this well thought out and honest list! Miserly men are often so selfish and mean that they can't even love. Not an attractive trait at all. I am not saying a man needs to be rich and spend all his money on women, but refusing to spend anything is awful. Ditto for men who make far more than their partners yet expect their partners to pay half for everything.

 

I can't be with a man who does not enjoy oral. Passionate and satisfying sex is just too important to me. I am a cuddlebug and I need to be with men who also love affection. Coldness is a turn-off.

[Lokie]

Dealbreakers:

 

* lots of credit card debt/living beyond his means

* humorless

* cheap

* mean-spirited

* doesn't "walk his talk"

* arrogance

* non-communicative

* not self-aware

* controlling

* flirts with other women

* non-sexual or selfish in bed

* not affectionate outside of bed

* an active alcohol or drug abuser

 

Unfortunately, the deal breakers are born from experience from a couple of my exes. But, to be honest, I was not always a perfect angel. The beauty of aging is that you get to perfect and tweak different parts of yourself as you go. NOW, of course, I am a perfect angel. ;-) (Joking, of course, as this statement breaks about 5 of my deal breakers!)

[CherryT]

For me, there isn't really a "list" of deal breakers but things that are more guidelines. It was mostly important to me to find someone who has the same or very similar core values as I. I do think the only hard "deal breakers" I had was:

 

- Someone who was adamant they did not want children

- Someone who had a very negative view on family (hard to explain but I once dated a man who wanted to move out of the Country knowing that his father was terminally ill. They did not have a strain relationship growing up, he just felt entitled because he should be able to do things while he was young).

- Someone who did not want to work and relied on other people

- Someone who was disrespectful in general or is unsupportive. My Fiance is my biggest fan... and I've never had someone support me the way he does. He doesn't allow me to view myself lower than he views me... which is an amazing thing to have.

 

Things like: Must have an education didn't matter to me. Because I know (and is one myself) many entrepreneurs who have succeeded without formal education. Intellect is important to me but getting to your goals in a cookie cutter way, wasn't a deal breaker. Of course things like being funny, hardworking, generous, etc are traits I am attracted to. They wouldn't be dealbreakers though because if they didn't have the personality I was attracted to, it wouldn't even get to the point where I need deal breakers. I would know before getting into a relationship with someone that we weren't compatible.

 

To me, what I care about is whether we have similar views and concepts. I know I was looking for someone who was raised similarly to me. Although my Fiance and I come from different countries, our family upbringing was similar. To me, I care more about how we view things. How do we view: life goals (whether that be investments, savings, travel, experiences), family (our current family and how we want to build ours), what kind of parents we want to be, what kind of partner we want to be, how we view marriage/how we view putting effort and working on marriage. etc.

 

We will all change and grow and who we are today will likely not be who we are years from now. But I felt if I found someone who has similar core values and concepts as I do and views the world similarly, we will be able to go through changes together in a positive way. I see marriages fail when couples don't have the same concepts in terms of parenting, friendships, careers, life goals etc. So when life happens and we all get pulled in different directions, they can't seem to come together because their views and concepts are so disconnected.

Edited November 2, 2013 by CherryT

[Kate9292]

-Arrogant,

-Lack of hygiene,

-Short (5'8 or below),

-Fat or too thin,

-Too nice and supplicating,

-Broke,

-Inexperienced,

-Doesn't accept party lifestyle,

-Doesn't accept me using medical MJ.

 

Should be about it.

[Keenly]

I thought about it for a few days. Some of mine are.

 

She texts in front of me on a date more than once or twice.

She's constantly talking to other guys.

She keeps in contact with her exs

She has biological clock syndrome. Wants to have kids and get married "because all my friends are doing it"

She doesn't like video games, cheesy puns, stupid yet funny jokes, and silly behavior when excited.

It can be her way sometimes, but it also needs to be my way sometimes.

If she has no respect for my introverted need for ALONE time, of she is so clingy and has no life at all so she is ALWAYS asking to come over and then ALWAYS starting a fight when I say no.

I can feel with insecurity, but there is a limit. If you watched me take my nightly ambien,and then 20 minutes later we fool around and I can't get it up, don't start a stupid fight about how I am " not attracted to you anymore " .

If I can't get off during sex, don't blanking worry about ME getting off, because I'm here to please YOU in that scenario. I'll be having just as much fun without orgasming, I promise.

Will not appreciate or accept small gifts like flowers or candy. That is an absolute deal breaker. I do it for ME! So I can see the look on her face, not for her.

If you cant comply with being the counterpart to my gentleman.

If you start an argument and then hang up / shut down / walk away (unless to cool off) your gone.

If you call me on the phone and the first thing you do is yell at me, that's a strike.

If I tell you I want to go home after an 11 hour work day, and she calls me lazy because I don't want to walk around the mall while she window shops ( or any other activity that can be done ANYTIME) that's a strike.

 

If a new video game I've been waiting months to years for comes out and you don't see me for 3 days, and in your jealousy you steal or break my property, its over.

 

If you do something to purposely hurt me emotionally, because your a sick bitch like my ex and you get off on hurting me, I'll throw you right out the door.

 

 

 

As you can see from my specific examples, most are based on personal experiences.

[HokeyReligions]

If you come together and have a mutual agreement to or to not have kids (lets use not having kids for this example) and one party later changes their mind, that relationship is over.

 

You can not compromise on having kids. One party will resent the other for not having kids, and the other party will resent them for having kids. Ive heard people try and convince their spouse to "compromise" by "just having 1" but last time I checked thats not a compromise at all, that's just one person getting their way over another.

 

That's an opinion not an absolute. 30 years together and more in love now than ever proves it.

 

You can make statements that claim something is absolute for everyone and every relationship but that doesn't make it so.

 

I hope that those reading these posts and posts like these on other sites does not try to apply someone else's opinion to their own relationship or worse, be so timid that they they can't think for themselves and adopt anothers opinion as their own without considering their own mind.

[HokeyReligions]

I only have one deal breaker. Betrayal.

[Nyla]

-Arrogant,

-Lack of hygiene,

-Short (5'8 or below),

-Fat or too thin,

-Too nice and supplicating,

-Broke,

-Inexperienced,

-Doesn't accept party lifestyle,

-Doesn't accept me using medical MJ.

 

Should be about it.

 

I hated it when I was single and men would try to pressure me into stop smoking weed. What they didn't realize is that the weed helped me with my intense flashbacks and nightmares. Also, some of these men smoked and drank yet they were self righteous about ganja-as if alcohol and nicotine aren't drugs!

[Nyla]

I thought about it for a few days. Some of mine are.

 

She texts in front of me on a date more than once or twice.

She's constantly talking to other guys.

She keeps in contact with her exs

She has biological clock syndrome. Wants to have kids and get married "because all my friends are doing it"

She doesn't like video games, cheesy puns, stupid yet funny jokes, and silly behavior when excited.

It can be her way sometimes, but it also needs to be my way sometimes.

If she has no respect for my introverted need for ALONE time, of she is so clingy and has no life at all so she is ALWAYS asking to come over and then ALWAYS starting a fight when I say no.

I can feel with insecurity, but there is a limit. If you watched me take my nightly ambien,and then 20 minutes later we fool around and I can't get it up, don't start a stupid fight about how I am " not attracted to you anymore " .

If I can't get off during sex, don't blanking worry about ME getting off, because I'm here to please YOU in that scenario. I'll be having just as much fun without orgasming, I promise.

Will not appreciate or accept small gifts like flowers or candy. That is an absolute deal breaker. I do it for ME! So I can see the look on her face, not for her.

If you cant comply with being the counterpart to my gentleman.

If you start an argument and then hang up / shut down / walk away (unless to cool off) your gone.

If you call me on the phone and the first thing you do is yell at me, that's a strike.

If I tell you I want to go home after an 11 hour work day, and she calls me lazy because I don't want to walk around the mall while she window shops ( or any other activity that can be done ANYTIME) that's a strike.

 

If a new video game I've been waiting months to years for comes out and you don't see me for 3 days, and in your jealousy you steal or break my property, its over.

 

If you do something to purposely hurt me emotionally, because your a sick bitch like my ex and you get off on hurting me, I'll throw you right out the door.

 

 

 

As you can see from my specific examples, most are based on personal experiences.

 

I have so many questions. Hope you don't mind.

 

When you say talking to other guys is a dealbreaker, do you mean that a woman you date should never have friendships with males or be cordial to them?

 

The biological clock is not a "syndrome". It is a reality that all women have to deal with if they want children. Women who want to be mothers only have a finite period of time before getting and staying pregnant becomes difficult. The risk of birth defects goes up for women past 35.

 

I agree that nobody should marry or have kids just because other people are, but we live in a world where social pressure is always a factor. This is why there are certain stages in life where one is expected to have completed specific goals; it is the reason why someone who is 50 is never married is looked upon as an anomaly.

 

I would think that if a woman wants you in her home frequently, it means that she likes you. How does wanting a boyfriend to come over a lot mean that the woman has no life? Maybe I am missing something?

 

Any woman who cares about her sexual partners is going to want them to get off. I don't think it makes sense to say that sex should only be about pleasing one person. Isn't sex supposed to be about mutual satisfaction?

 

What is the counterpart to your gentlemen? I am interested in your answer because I am not sure what that means...

[Tayla]

It took a few reads thru other persons' post to gain insight to what is tolerable, intolerable, and totally NON negotiable, so a huge thanks to those that enlightened the following:

 

1: Any adult who justifies there use of drugs( cocaine, mj, alcohol, meth, sniff'n, huffin, you get the idea) - DEALBREAKER

2: Mutual regard for financial stability. I pay my bills, you pay yours. Its that simple. If you are a moocher- DEALBREAKER

3: Someone who is spiritually bankrupt.(there is hope- so its negotiable)

4: Someone who is involved in hate crimes or carries the Neo-attitude towards human kind....

5: Elitist ( dealbreaker). Social climbers (dealbreaker), Republican ( Major deal breaker)

Okay so the political part is somewhat humorous, yet they do seem to carry 5 of the deal breaker characteristics on the list

At the end of the day whoever it is, ask yourself this....will they ultimately be there for you during thick and thin....Thats what really determines the deal breaker moments ....