My parents are STILL controlling and overbearing

[Getoffmyback]

Im in my 30s and due to unfortunate economic circumstances, I am forced to have to live with my parents indefinitely. A lot of the time it's not bad but once in a while something comes up and I start rethinking my whole life from the perspective of having always had overbearing parents. I remember as a kid feeling like I didn't know who I was because of it and as an adult, when I do try to assert myself for what I believe, I get yelled at and talked down to like I'm a child. I think of my mother like a broken clock, even it's right twice a day. In her case, it's probably less than that but because there is some precedent for her being right, she feels that justifies imposing her will on everybody within earshot.

This is a trivial example but I love animals and wanted to rescue a cat. My father openly forbade it and coarsely said that when he dies, I can get a cat. On another occasion, I felt that, in my judgment, with having several years experience with animals, a particular neighborhood "pet" who has had no vet care, appears ill, and roams free, should be taken to a shelter or rescue. Because some morons claim to "own" it, my mother freaked out on me, for wanting to do what I thought was right and take it for help. It comes to my house all the time.

These are just some example of many and they know that I am essentially trapped here, so I have to abide by their rules. It's so frustrating and belittling. I feel like a little kid who's been chastised and the fact is, I'm not challenged. I know what's right and I'm not permitted to do it. Needing permission in my 30s!! My mother has ostracized my brother because she doesn't like who he's dating. I don't really like it either but at his age, what can you do? This is clearly dysfunctional behavior and I don't know how I'm supposed to endure it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Im in my 30s and due to unfortunate economic circumstances, I am forced to have to live with my parents indefinitely. A lot of the time it's not bad but once in a while something comes up and I start rethinking my whole life from the perspective of having always had overbearing parents. I remember as a kid feeling like I didn't know who I was because of it and as an adult, when I do try to assert myself for what I believe, I get yelled at and talked down to like I'm a child. I think of my mother like a broken clock, even it's right twice a day. In her case, it's probably less than that but because there is some precedent for her being right, she feels that justifies imposing her will on everybody within earshot.

This is a trivial example but I love animals and wanted to rescue a cat. My father openly forbade it and coarsely said that when he dies, I can get a cat. On another occasion, I felt that, in my judgment, with having several years experience with animals, a particular neighborhood "pet" who has had no vet care, appears ill, and roams free, should be taken to a shelter or rescue. Because some morons claim to "own" it, my mother freaked out on me, for wanting to do what I thought was right and take it for help. It comes to my house all the time.

These are just some example of many and they know that I am essentially trapped here, so I have to abide by their rules. It's so frustrating and belittling. I feel like a little kid who's been chastised and the fact is, I'm not challenged. I know what's right and I'm not permitted to do it. Needing permission in my 30s!! My mother has ostracized my brother because she doesn't like who he's dating. I don't really like it either but at his age, what can you do? This is clearly dysfunctional behavior and I don't know how I'm supposed to endure it.

 

Find a roommate and get your own space, that is when you'll be able to do what you want, when you want. It's very difficult to live with someone else because they have the right to make the rules in their own home. It's what drives most young adults to become independent.

[yellowgirl]

that can be tough.

 

but it is their home they have to live in too and maybe they are aging and don't have the energy to help take care of a cat if your not home a certain day.

 

a cat is a responsibility, just like adopting a small child. and many cats are a 2 decade responsibility. are you able to take the cat with you wherever you go the next 20 yrs

 

if you get married to someone will they want to live with your cat

 

but its your parents home, so imagine your living in a hotel now or staying at a friends house. its the hotels decision what is allowed in their property.

 

the no cat rule is reasonable. maybe try to compromise for something more simple like a goldfish

 

maybe find some plan to eventually go back and and be independent. work towards a skill or trade or degree where you can get a long term stable job.

 

 

sadly it is their rules if it pertains to their home. if they are controlling you on small things like what color shirt you can wear or what you eat for breakfast then that is crazy of them.

[HokeyReligions]

It can be very hard to get away. Be creative. Volunteer at an animal shelter or vet. Tell them about the cat then get the cat and bring it in. Volunteering can also lead to job contacts and new friends plus you are doing what you know is right IN SPITE OF your parents. That kind of confidence will also help you move forward in your life.

[Getoffmyback]

Hmmm I dont get the impression that you are someone

that act like a adult.but you become a child around

your parents.

 

so why run to them in hard times.

why not go true the process of getting a place cheaper or something.

 

if you dont stand up they will see u always like a baby.

 

start acting how u want to be treat.

 

For your info I have two degrees but I have not been able to get a job. The US job market is not great right now. I went back to school a few years ago only to be swamped by debt now. There's no way I can pay rent with what I'm making now.

[Jersey-Guy]

This topic struck a nerve with me.

 

I'm 24 and my situation is not the same as you, although I'm living at home while I go to college and work. I have the same problem. I know exactly what you mean.

 

I can tell you right now if I wanted a cat or a dog though I would be forbidden. And it would suck, but when it comes to allowing a pet in a home... it's tough because your pet is going to affect everyone in the household. Unlike the color shirt you wear or who you're dating, it directly affects everyone in the house whether you want it to or not. And if they don't want to deal with it, then that's their prerogative.

 

I personally think you have a good heart and intentions and what you wanted to do for that poor cat was not wrong at all. You should not have been yelled at or belittled for it.

 

I've got bad news for you though. And I'm guessing you only posted because you wanted to vent/relieve stress. Your environment is never going to change. Endure it by being hopeful about the future. Know that it's not going to be like this forever for you. You'll get out of this. If permitted, spend as much time away from them when they're being overbearing and annoying.

 

One last thing. Realize that although you have it "bad" emotionally at times... feel fortunate that you actually DO have a home and family to fall back on, many people out there do not even have that

 

Message me if you just want to vent/talk. It helps.

[d0nnivain]

getoffmyback --

 

Your parents ostracizing your brother b/c they don't like his GF is controlling & overbearing. Not letting you have a pet in their home is just there home, their rules.

 

Yes, in this economy, student loans + a lousy job market has forced many people back home. However, you have the power to change that. Are you still actively looking for work? Are you saving? Have you looked at cutting other expenses so you can get out faster?

 

As somebody else suggested if you really want a pet but can't have one, volunteer at a shelter. Better yet, sell your services as a dog walker or in house pet sitter so you get additional income.

[Criticality]

Getoffmyback, your parents sound awful.

 

And yes, you deserve better, your parents should treat you like an adult, charge you some rent and otherwise get off your back and stay out of you room and whatever pets you might keep in there.

 

But that's not going to happen.

 

Save up some money, get a menial job, find a roommate. That's pretty much your only ticket out.

[Nyla]

I left home with nothing but the clothes on my back when I was 21. My mother was still hitting me and she often said very cruel things. She also called my then boyfriend every time we had an argument and complained about me to him. The last straw was when I went to stay at my boyfriend's house to get a break. My mother actually gave his phone number to one of my aunts, so that my aunt could call me and pressure me to come home.

 

I moved back home at age 24 because I hurt myself and I couldn't do anything. My mother demanded rent, yet still wanted to know all of my business. She also tried to give me a curfew and embarrass me in front of people I was dating. I moved out again after a year. I can't live with my parents because they believe that daughters should be treated like children forever.

 

Get a crappy job and a roommate. I knew a woman who always complained about similar living at home problems. She said that she couldn't leave home because she was used to a certain standard of living. "I can buy what I want because I can afford it." I don't understand spoiled brats like that.

[turnera]

My mom sold our house and moved out the week I graduated high school. She said I could move with her, or stay here and get a full time job. I stayed. I lived for several years with an EXTREMELY tight budget, where I had NO money except for gas and car note (which I let my boyfriend talk me into buying) and rent and $30/month for food - the entire month. No phone, no tv, no internet, no going out, no buying clothes, books, knick knacks, nothing. Ate lots and lots of rice and macaroni. I allowed myself ONE meal out a week, and that was the ONE extravagance I had. I didn't buy a single thing for a good two years other than that meal a week.

 

When people today say they can't afford to be on their own, I don't think they really understand what they could afford, if they just let go of stuff. Sure, college debt must be paid, but I'd suggest if you sit down and figure out what it would really take to be away from them, you could find a way. May have to give up that $50/month cell phone or go to the library to get internet, but you could make it work.

 

And McDonalds is always hiring.

[vtran31]

have you considered taking your family to counseling? some offer it at a steep discount or even pro bono :bunny: