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Is this a good "congratulations on your engagement" message to my ex boyfriend?

Cherrywheat

By Cherrywheat
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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Background..We broke up almost 4 years ago amicably, and became pretty good friends less than a year and a half ago...I sent him a message on facebook and we kept in consistent contact through FB, texts, phone and a meet-up for coffee (we usually live several hours apart or it probably would have been more.)

 

I don't feel like I was a great ex-girlfriend friend. I think I was trying to make it into a closer friendship than most exes can have. For example, one time I suggested we grab some beers together. He agreed we should and commented on my fb later that day, but then we never made any plans. I think I crossed a line and made either him or his gf uncomfortable.

 

In addition I was having kind of an awful semester at the time, so one night I randomly unfriended him. It was a little childish given we'd only messaged a month earlier, but I thought it was a good idea for me to take a step back. I'm at the point now where I feel like I can be at least on his fb without any real expectations. We're both where we're supposed to be, we're both engaged, and I feel pretty stupid now for screwing up what was a really nice friendship to begin with.

 

When I re-add him on facebook, what should I say in my message? I was thinking something like, "Hey, I know we haven't talked in a long time. Long story summed up is I thought I had been a pretty crappy "ex" friend, felt bad about it, and wanted to give you some space. Anyway, Congratulations on getting engaged! I'm really happy that you've found your other half. Cheers to many years of happiness!!"

 

I want the message to be polite and brief, since I have no idea whether he'll be happy or annoyed to see it. I thought some sort of explanation was in order but that I should keep it short; he can ask questions if he wants, if he responds at all which I'm not counting on. Anyway, any help or advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading =)

 

Edit: last time we spoke was last March.

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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Just say "Congratulations" if you have to say anything. Don't bring up old stuff, there's no point. But yeah, one word or "Congratulations on your engagement" would be sufficient. Anything else is overkill.

Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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If someone unfriends me on Fb, without even discussing it with me, I unfriend them in real life. Forever. Life is too short for that drama.

 

I'd let him be.

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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Thank you for answering, but I was wondering...why is it overkill and have no point? I did consider just friending him and sending a congratulations message, but I thought that would come off a bit odd, like I was saying "Hey, I deleted you for 8 months on facebook without explanation and I'm not going to explain it now either, but congrats on your engagement!" I know a lot of people get uncomfortable about honesty...but I'm trying to figure out which option opens up the possibility of a friendlier relationship in the future. Is it more likely if I'm honest and briefly explain what happened, or if I just congratulate without explaining?

 

I really could go either way with it right now and it's nice to have the male perspective. I don't mind if it's a little awkward (most honesty is) but I don't want to make him (or his fiance) uncomfortable, so I could easily just do congrats too.

 

If I don't say anything about my reasons for deleting him, is he likely to ask? That was my other concern, that if I didn't mention it he'd think it was a topic I wasn't willing to discuss. I know I'm rambling a bit :/ I'm trying to find the best path here that might result in a nice (platonic) friendship down the road.

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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If someone unfriends me on Fb, without even discussing it with me, I unfriend them in real life. Forever. Life is too short for that drama.

 

I'd let him be.

 

 

That was one of my biggest regrets actually for a while. I REALLY wanted to send a message telling him what was going on. However I don't have a lot of experience with friendships with exes, so I asked friends/family what I should do and the answer was an overwhelming "unfriend without a message." One of those instances where afterwards I felt like I should have gone with my gut. I try to be an open and honest person, but I also don't like making others uncomfortable, and I was convinced by friends that talking to him about it would only have made it into a very uncomfortable situation. Since I didn't use honesty to "end" the friendship, I don't understand how I can heal the friendship without it.

 

As for the forever part, I've had people delete and re-add me before, or just frankly delete me, and it wasn't an enormous deal. I was starting to obsess over the situation and it wasn't personally healthy for me to be checking his facebook every day. I genuinely did not do it out of any malice. He might have no interest in being my friend ever again, but there's only really one way to find out..

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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Posted
Thank you for answering, but I was wondering...why is it overkill and have no point? I did consider just friending him and sending a congratulations message, but I thought that would come off a bit odd, like I was saying "Hey, I deleted you for 8 months on facebook without explanation and I'm not going to explain it now either, but congrats on your engagement!" I know a lot of people get uncomfortable about honesty...but I'm trying to figure out which option opens up the possibility of a friendlier relationship in the future. Is it more likely if I'm honest and briefly explain what happened, or if I just congratulate without explaining?

 

I really could go either way with it right now and it's nice to have the male perspective. I don't mind if it's a little awkward (most honesty is) but I don't want to make him (or his fiance) uncomfortable, so I could easily just do congrats too.

 

If I don't say anything about my reasons for deleting him, is he likely to ask? That was my other concern, that if I didn't mention it he'd think it was a topic I wasn't willing to discuss. I know I'm rambling a bit :/ I'm trying to find the best path here that might result in a nice (platonic) friendship down the road.

 

No, he won't care. Honestly, he probably doesn't think about you unfriending him at all and even if he does, he'll figure if you re-add him, whatever you were pissed off about is over and doesn't need to be discussed. Saying "congratulations" is all that's appropriate. It would be inappropriate to have a big "heart-to-heart" out of the blue, especially when he's engaged to someone else.

 

Time heals wounds a hell of a lot better than anything you can say. So less is more. If you start rehashing, it's just going to annoy him.

conf Established Member

conf

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I really can not understand your motives. Are you sure that you see him only as friend? If you are sure about it, there is no need about so much concern :p

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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I really can not understand your motives. Are you sure that you see him only as friend? If you are sure about it, there is no need about so much concern :p

 

Lol. I tend to be a bit of an overanalyzer. As in a lot of an overanalyzer. I feel bad for my fiance because I often have "what did this person think when they said this, what about this," questions every day :lmao: I definitely care too much what others think about me and spend too much time worrying about it.

 

I definitely had some mixed up feelings for him at the time of unfriending, but they've vastly improved. I know I got the wayyy better deal. I didn't put this in the post since it's an aside but I'm not going to add him right away, I plan on giving it more time until I'm absolutely certain about it being totally platonic. I'm like 90-95% of the way there now.

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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No, he won't care. Honestly, he probably doesn't think about you unfriending him at all and even if he does, he'll figure if you re-add him, whatever you were pissed off about is over and doesn't need to be discussed. Saying "congratulations" is all that's appropriate. It would be inappropriate to have a big "heart-to-heart" out of the blue, especially when he's engaged to someone else.

 

Time heals wounds a hell of a lot better than anything you can say. So less is more. If you start rehashing, it's just going to annoy him.

 

That makes a lot of sense. It also sounds like the best way to keep my dignity intact too which I like. He once told me about a female friend he had that stopped talking to him after he started dating his fiance, and he asked me my opinion and seemed genuinely curious about her motives. When I asked one day if she had started talking to him again, he said, "Yeah, she did. Girls are silly", so once she started talking to him again he didn't seem to question it. If he was really burning to know I imagine he'd ask but it seems like he'll accept it at face value.

 

Anyway, well-said! Thank you very much, and when I do eventually re-add this person I may post an update.

HokeyReligions Established Member

HokeyReligions

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I'm kinda seeing why you two broke up. If you truly don't want to make him and his fiancee uncomfortable then don't contact him at all. If his love and loyalty are with his soon to be wife - as it should be - and she is uncomfortable with his ex girlfriend (you) trying to be friends and constantly contacting him then stop contact. Not all friendships are for life especially "exes".

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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I'm kinda seeing why you two broke up. If you truly don't want to make him and his fiancee uncomfortable then don't contact him at all. If his love and loyalty are with his soon to be wife - as it should be - and she is uncomfortable with his ex girlfriend (you) trying to be friends and constantly contacting him then stop contact. Not all friendships are for life especially "exes".

 

 

We broke up a long time ago, and we didn't date very long at all. We were friends for a couple months until we started dating right after he graduated from undergrad (and I still had a year and a half to go). It was about a 3 hours apart LDR thing, so pretty ill-fated. However it was going well until an ex-gf he was close friends with and really hung up on (cheated on him, dumped him) decided she did want him now that he was with someone else. He went back and forth for days on who he should choose since we didn't have any problems to speak of, but we finally had a conversation where I said I didn't want to be strung along if he had feelings for his ex.

 

What I'm saying is we didn't break up because of some disastrous flaw I had, we ended on sad but good terms. He wanted to be friends afterwards and reached out a few times over the next two years wanting to catch up, but I ignored it until I decided I was ready. I also completely get how an ex-girlfriend can be a nightmare which is why I'm hashing this out on a public forum before I do anything. Other than re-adding him on fb and sending a congrats message, I'm planning to respect boundaries and not initiate any other contact.

Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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It's not that I'd be 'mad' or 'offended' that you defriended me on Fb. I've been defriended on fb before and the ONLY thought I've ever had about it (if I even notice at all..which if I do takes months) is 'meh. Whatever.'

 

What I would object to is the re-add and the suddenly fake sounding well wishes. People who do that sort of thing REAK of drama. I prefer to avoid drama in my life.

 

I agree with the poster who said if you TRULY have nothing but good intentions and hopes for this man and his fiance...you would leave them alone. Anything else is incredibly self serving. Don't be that girl.

Edited by Janesays
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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This is enough: "Congratulations on getting engaged! I'm really happy that you've found your other half. Cheers to many years of happiness!!"

 

Anything else makes it seem like you aren't really over him.

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Am4Real Established Member

Am4Real

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Let’s be straight here…as it seems there is more going on than wanting to reconnect with an EX and a supposed friend in which we just read thru two cases of drama: one over missed beers and unfriending him on FB for no reason. Whatever all of this and anything else mean he’s not reaching out to you – he never asked about FB and why you disappeared – he is done with you and I’m sure his fiancée is pissed off hearing about you and relieved you’re out of their life.

 

Why on EARTH would you want to interfere with their life and romance now?

 

If they wanted you in their circle of friends regarding their life, their romance and now their engagement they would invite you – since they have not – I think you should receive the hint and do nothing – that can be the best form of congratulations!

Edited by Am4Real
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Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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I think the best message you could possibly word is

 

 

" "

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I woudl nto add my ex on facebook...even though he is a cofnidante i am no longer with him facebook are my family adn friends...i don not have his family or friends on my facebook other than my own chidlren as i seprate home and another state...he is a state...my facebook is at my home

 

 

i think its blurred lines ...keep it unfriended is my advice...he is mor ethan unfriended complet eblacok and i talk to him regularly.....i have not blocked many in fact my ex and hsi partner are bl;ocked.....and two peopel my oldest girl is extremely hurt over so that she may not see posts on or abtou them on my page if sh ewere to open my facebook.......deb

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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Holy crap! I just re-checked this and realized there were several new replies. Thanks everyone for reading and taking the time to respond.

 

One of my fiance's exes recently refriended him (and she was the dumper) and we found it more amusing than anything and took the chance to creep! If I do make my ex bf or his fiance uncomfortable with my add then he can ignore or delete my request, right? And I wouldn't say any sort of congrats then obviously. They're engaged and I'm engaged; I'm hardly a threat. The ball would be in his court.

 

My ex is still friends with his other ex-girlfriend who was the dumper in a MUCH more recent/serious relationship and knowing him they're probably still talking: you'd think his fiance would be worried about her if anything and not the dumpee (ie me), since who wants to get back together with someone they dumped?

 

And I still feel bad about the drama I induced 6 months ago. I was going through a stress induced depression, seeing a counselor and struggling with a family illness. I didn't deal with this friendship well but honestly I wasn't dealing with anything well at the time.

 

I wouldn't go to the trouble of wishing him congrats if I didn't genuinely wish him well. I actually had a dream a couple days ago where I was hanging out with his fiance and that she was a really cool person. Would it be better if I just added him and didn't say anything, or just say a quick congrats when they get married?

InnocentMan Established Member

InnocentMan

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Facebook etiquette problems make me anxious...even other peoples.

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JDPT Established Member

JDPT

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I'm of the opinion of you consulting with your fiancé and see what he believes about this current dilemma. I personally find it to be a bit disrespectful but that's just me.

JDPT Established Member

JDPT

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Disregard my previous post, I just read the arrangements you and your fiancé have.

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Cherrywheat Member

Cherrywheat

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He's fine with it. I'm pretty honest-to-a-fault and my fiance has had access and knowledge to every text/message I've ever had with my ex. He personally doesn't like my ex but he trusts me.

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