Jealousy is an ugly trait, do you think its okay to be controlling when jealous

[hidemyid]

Let me explain. Im with this girl right, and im questioning how I really feel about he on a regular basis, but something that out right happens frequently, and im trying to "help her with" is her jealousy.

 

For starters, social media control, real life paranoia, and acting on impulse have always been my girlfriends biggest problems. To elaborate, were young, I like to go out with my boys, or have a night out period (shes always invited and chooses not to come), which is fine. I just cant stand when she worrys, cause I don't text her back, and its even gone far as calling me to pick a fight over it on several occasions.

 

Then theres social media oh boy. Ive never felt so restricted ever, and it looks insecure, and its really irritating lately. A girl from my college adds me (dating my friend) she questions me for like 20 minutes, another girl adds me (old friend) she questions me, and picks a fight. Every girl I have on any page (ie instagram, facebook) she add's or follows without ever meeting. I don't have anything to hide, but its a personality flaw and its really adjitating. She acts on impulse, like the other day a girl added me, and she saw and CALLED ME at 11 30 pm while I was getting ready to sleep and gets paranoid and blows up.

 

I want you to understand, that this isn't a double edge sword, because I don't care who likes her pictures, follows her, likes her ****, I don't worry whenever shes with her girls, and the people she hangs out with are a lot more concerning then the ones I do (bestfriend of hers is a stripper / coke user)

 

I believe a relationship is when to people who know who they are, where there going, and have self confidence, encourage and build each other up. I don't look at it as, 1 person completes another, but more like 2 complete people building a life together, filled with positveity not this negative feeling, of being brought down that im getting lately.

 

Is this something worth trying to fix?

I find myself avoiding her a lot lately.

Edited October 31, 2013 by hidemyid

[jphcbpa]

you cannot "fix" anyone

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I've been in her shoes.

 

This is a sign of a disorder that you will not be able to fix.

 

She has abandonment and attachment issues.

 

If you do some reading on personality disorders, you can start to see how these feelings are motivated. It goes deeper than just jealousy.

 

Even if you are able to understand her, she will probably not be able to stop this behavior. Serious CBT or DBT therapy might be in order.

[road]

I do not know what her issues are.

 

Though I believe that married people do not need opposite sex friends, and should not have them. So many affairs have started this way.

 

When dating exclusive I would not have any opp sex friends and would expect the same from my GF.

 

I do not have FB. Do not need to chat online. Do not have to post pictures of whatever I jus did, seen, went to, whatever. I do not have tell all my friends I'm going to @@@@@ to night.

[pteromom]

I don't think there is much that is LESS attractive than this behavior.

 

But YOU have the ability to enable her or not.

 

You have the ability to say "I'm going out with my friends. I will text you when I get home. I'm gonna turn off my phone while I'm out."

 

You have the ability to say "If you don't quit following and friending all my female friends, I am going to have to block you from seeing me."

 

You have the ability to say "I am not talking to you about this. I am allowed to have female friends, and I don't want to hear more about it."

 

You have the ability to say "I am not talking to you when you are acting irrational." (click!)

 

When your gf questions you for 20 minutes or calls you repeatedly, and you let that happen, you are enabling that behavior. You are giving her the reward of relief, so she's gonna keep doing it.

 

The only way this will change is if you change.

 

Of course, you have to be kind about it, and you have to frame it in the correct way so you aren't just coming off as a jerk. But think about it. Think about what you can do to stop this behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've been in her shoes.

 

This is a sign of a disorder that you will not be able to fix.

 

She has abandonment and attachment issues.

 

If you do some reading on personality disorders, you can start to see how these feelings are motivated. It goes deeper than just jealousy.

 

Even if you are able to understand her, she will probably not be able to stop this behavior. Serious CBT or DBT therapy might be in order.

 

I couldn't agree more. My ex-boyfriend suffers (I believe) from a personality disorder combined with morbid jealousy. It isn't anything the partner can fix. You cannot soothe her fears enough. They will always find something else to be jealous about, and it suffocates the life right out of you and the relationship. Your girlfriend needs to want to help herself. She's looking to you right now to settle her emotions, but I guarantee you that it will NOT work. It cannot get better unless and until she seeks professional help.

 

I identify with nearly everything you described, OP. I have been in your position and know how terrible it feels. Please PM me if you want to talk.

[hidemyid]

I am new to this site, and cannot seem to figure out how to pm.

 

However, I didn't mention she DOES seek professional help. I feel bad, because the problem stems further down the family tree , as in her mother treats her in such a way where she calls all the time, and complains, and whines, and occasionally it turns into a fight. I witness it a lot.

 

She honestly, has MADE progress, but its so minor and she basically... "contains" this worry for a long amount of time just because she has lost me quite a few times to this behavior.

 

The person above, who said I ENABLE the behavior is SO true.

And its an unhealthy cycle now.

 

I cave under emotion all the time. Its my weakness.

Shes gone as far as making me delete, unfollow almost everyone. and I allowed it.

She made me promise not to like girls statuses, comments, pictures. I allowed it.

 

I need to stand up for myself.

Honestly.. I really don't know if I love this relationship anymore.

I cant bare to hurt her, cause there is something great about her.

Its literally not her fault shes the way she is.

I just... cant handle it, and I always think ahead.

 

Like, could i really live with this?

Can / Would I be happy.

 

And i don't really think i could.. : (

[crederer]

Oh man, sound just like an ex of mine. One time she hacked my fb and deleted all the females I had on my list that weren't related to me.

 

Another time I was out with my friends, she had to work early, she came into the bar while I was sitting at a table with like 10 people, she made a huge scene and dragged me out by the collar because she felt it was late enough for me to be out and it was time to come home. It was so embarassing.

 

Most times I wanted to go out she'd give me a really hard time about it, I'd go anyways but she always made sure that there would be hell to pay and did her best to make sure she ruined it for me.

 

Another time my mom got me hockey tickets for Christmas. The game happened to be on our 3 year anniversary or something so she lost her ****. I said we can celebrate it a day before or the day after, it's not that big of a deal. This was completely unacceptable to her. I went anyways, it was over the boarder in a city I've never been to, a few hundred miles away, so texting and phone calls costs a fortune, I told her to limit texts because of this. Well I turned my phone off, when I turn it back on it's blown up with literally like a 100 texts from her accusing me of cheating on her while there. Like....I don't even know anyone in the city and was there with my brother ffs. Anyways, she always accused me of cheating. ALWAYS. I never did, but she cheated on me many times throughout the relationship, as I later found out.

[Downtown]

Hide, I agree with Marcus (aka, Shogun) and ExPat that you're describing the warning signs for a PD (personality disorder) that you will NOT be able to fix. I also agree with Marcus that you're describing "abandonment and attachment issues." You also are describing (in other threads) a lack of impulse control and inability to trust you. Significantly, these behaviors are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline PD).

 

I therefore second Marcus's and ExPat's suggestion that you read about PD traits to see if you recognize the red flags for one of them. An easy place to start reading, here on LS, are my posts describing BPD traits in Rebel's thread. Those posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you -- and I suspect Marcus would as well. Take care, Hide.

[Kate9292]

No, it's not okay.

 

A little jealousy is cute, but being controlling would make me run for the hills.

 

Is this something worth trying to fix?

I find myself avoiding her a lot lately.

 

You cannot fix it. It's her problem and she has to handle it. If she wants to at all.

 

If she doesn't, you know what to do.