Dear god in heaven help me please.

[Leaf]

He "ended" it today, sort of.

 

This is the situation: I am the other woman... When "he" and I started this relationship, it came out of nowhere, we we both taken by surprise. Over the first 10 months everything was perfect. I mean Perfect! At the time, we were discussing places we'd live, ect... He loved me, I loved him. It was beautiful... I knew that he was engaged.. but I HONESTLY thought he'd never go through with it. When the time came and he told me he couldnt see anyway out of it "It is too big" he told me. He cried the night before the wedding, as did I. He told me he was trying to figure out how we could be together. I was destroyed. Utterly destroyed. For the 2 weeks while he was on his Honeymoon he emailed me telling me he loved me, that he was looking at the stars at night thinking of me.

At that point he had lost my trust, that was in June. The months since then, he and I had kept our relationship going, slowly at first because I was still very angry. I thought we were working on being together for good this time. The past 2 months have been just like they were before, I was happy, yes I still was angry and things were more complicated.

Well, this weekend, he had accidently left his email open with a message from me to him on the screen. He stepped away and was actually on the phone with me when "she" read the email as well as his entire inbox.

I didnt hear from him Saturday and Sunday he told me what had happened. He said we "needed to talk" he sent me messages telling me he loved me today and that we would talk when he got home.

Well, We talked for about an hour (then she came home)... He told me what happened, how he felt and that he wanted to "fix this side" meaning fix his relationship with her. He said "I'M MARRIED" WTF?!?!?! ya, 10 months INTO our relationship that I had no idea he was getting married. OMG I AM SO PISSED OFF.

Sooooo Once again I have let this man bring me to my knees with pain. He told me how he was swept away with me, that everything we had was real.. blah blah blah!

When he had to leave he said we would finish this conversation.... so I said What?! He said he had to go.. I told him "fine, I will just cry myself to sleep again tonight"

 

I dont know what to do.. I am so heart broken. I am destroyed. This man, whom I love(d) with all of my heart, who spent every waking and non waking moment with me for a year and a half has just dumped me.

... in his messages today, he still told me he loved me.

 

What am I supposed to do now?

Please help, I am dying here.

[Barby]

It was beautiful... I knew that he was engaged.. but I HONESTLY thought he'd never go through with it. When the time came and he told me he couldnt see anyway out of it "It is too big" he told me.

 

If he really wanted there to be an "only you and him" he would NOT have gotten married, he was going to keep you as his "side fling" until he got caught, he maybe would have kept it this way forever had she not have found the email.

 

"I'M MARRIED" WTF?!?!?! ya, 10 months INTO our relationship that I had no idea he was getting married. OMG I AM SO PISSED OFF.

 

 

You had no idea?? Whatever You just said you KNEW he was engaged but thought he wouldn't go through with it, well what did you think engaged meant?

 

 

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, I know you're in pain...BUT you knew he chose to marry her even though he had you on the side and fed you with fairytales keeping you believing him but now you see that it wasn't true....

 

 

For your own sake I would leave him alone and move on to find an honest, FAITHFUL man who won't cheat on someone to be with you and won't cheat on you to be with someone else (hopefully)

[Naive]

Leaf,

 

He obviously made his decision (FINALLY) and it was not you. What does that tell you? If he would have cared he would have left her and gone to you. The "hardest" part is telling the Wife that he's leaving for someone but since she found out about it for herself, WHAT IS HIS EXCUSE?

 

I actually went through a similar situation except he left her and I was the one that ended things with him.

 

If he cared he would have had the conversation he had with you with his wife instead. I know it hurts and I know that I am not in your situation because even though we are all OW or have been all of our situations are different. All I can say is to let him go if that is what HE asked you for.

[Leaf]

You are both right... I guess what is so hard is the rejection and the fact that I have been thrown away. I feel like a piece of garbage, and how am I ever going to trust anyone ever again?

[Leaf]

...and... he wants us to continue our conversation tomorrow.. What the hell am I going to say? I need strength.

[Naive]

Why say anything? If you really want to hear what he has to say go ahead, but if he just confirms what he already told you you have to move on.

 

One thing is to be with a MM knowing that he has a W and another is to be with him knowing that he wants to be with his W!!! They are both wrong but at least in the first one you have some type of hope, if you can call it that.

[Barby]

Like Naive said (she's so smart ) he already made his choice and sadly it wasn't you.............

 

 

BUT let me ask you this.....................

 

 

Assume he'd left her for you...could you ever REALLY trust him in the company of another woman?

 

 

Sorry but a lot of times it isn't the "OW" that makes the man stray, it isn't because she has that "oh so special" something (usually) it's because he's lacking something personally and seeking to find it in any place he can....and when he can't find it he keeps looking and looking outside his marriage/relationship, instead of turning inward and seeking to find what he's truly lacking within himself and trying to fix it from within.......

[SoleMate]

My feeling...I know you're in pain, and I know the two people who put you there (the MM and you), but hey, you can grieve and then move on. What about the W? She is a (presumably) innocent victim of a H who cheated on her throughout their entire time together. That's got to be a fist in the gut. She is going to be bearing those scars longer than you are.

 

I try never to bash OW. I think all the necessary punishment is built right into the situation. But I would love to sit down over a cup of tea or glass of wine with you, or your many sister OWs, and have a heart-to-heart where you explain to me how you can delude yourself so thoroughly and for so long.

 

Note to self: When a man says he loves me, but then marries someone else, I will learn to understand this as a rejection of me and will dump his sorry @$$ in the trash where it belongs. I will always look at ACTIONS, not at WORDS. A man who truly loves me will be faithful and honest, and will put my needs and my happiness right up near the top if his list. If he doesn't, then THAT'S NOT LOVE. Regardless of what comes out of his mouth.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Barby

Like Naive said (she's so smart ) he already made his choice and sadly it wasn't you.............

 

Oooooh Stop it Okay, okay you twisted my arm, keep going!!!!

 

 

 

Sorry but a lot of times it isn't the "OW" that makes the man stray, it isn't because she has that "oh so special" something (usually) it's because he's lacking something personally......

 

I see I have some competition

 

You know this is so true. Maybe this is the case with 95% of all the OW/OM stories.

[Dane1965]

what is the best reply?

 

Well, to be honest I think that you know what the best suggestion is. And that is not the one your are looking for. There is no doubt that you are hurt and I am sorry that you have to experience it.

 

Sometimes we know deep down what is right and wrong. And we still follow our hearts.

 

The relationship with you and this guy is a long one. And yet it seems that he is the one creating a miserable life, since he loves you, but married someone else. Since he tell you that he loves you, when he is on his honeymoon...ect etc etc.and worse...he is hurting you

 

Sometimes when we feel pain , we feel alive. Sometimes when we beat this pain we grow. Maybe you just have to accept that you will not grow here.

 

I wish I could help and support you. I am myself, not in the same situation, analyzing if we can love more than one person. Started a discussion here because i wonder sometimes if we are able to love more than one person.

 

If i have to come with some suggestion, perhaps im so wrong, is to ask him what he really wants from you. or perhaps what he wanted from you. To break like this is actually not really showing any compassion. To be honest, I would be dearly insulted if someone treated me like this.

Make him to be clear of his intentions. And simply say: " You know what i stand for", 'you know me very well". What do you really want?

 

If he keeps on saying that he still loves you, then you should simply answer: " well, whats the proof? if you love some lesser then you should be doing more than marriage with me, if you love me that much. Then be a man to me. And start working on that love of yours...because mine is hurting..and hurting cannot be right!

 

I do believe that you can love more then one person. At the same time. But love can be exprssed in different ways and do not need to be physical.

 

Its just the worse thing i can tell you, that since he newer did take the chance with you, in the very beginning, the decision was already made. You do need to stop. And perhaps find some peace in a frienship without having an affair with him. And if he truly cares for you, he should take, by himself , partly responsability of your situation.

[izzybelle]

leaf,

i'm so sorry that you're going through this. i went through a very similar situ 6 mos ago now, and i'm still on the rollercoaster. it does get a little easier with time, but be prepared for an emotionally bumpy ride. my MM was supposed to be ending his marriage this summer, and then, like you, his W saw an email from me. he told me we'd make it through this, that he wanted to be with me. so, like you, i was floored when he chose otherwise.

 

i know that many say that for some MMs that there is something lacking in them that makes them look outside of their relationships. that it is a fault that they have. and i'm sure in many cases it's true. however, sometimes i think it's just circumstances, right or wrong, they may be afraid to hurt someone. but unfortunately, the OW is usually (but not always) the one who gets left behind.. people will tell you that he didn't really love you because he chose someone else, but only you know whether what you felt from him was/is real. yes, he made a choice and it wasn't you, but that doesn't mean that he didn't care deeply. my whole situ really shook my ability to trust, but, in spite of what so many say, i don't believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater." and yes, given the chance, i would trust my exMM.

 

please, take care of yourself, pamper yourself, cry until you can't cry anymore, then scream how much you hate him (knowing that you can't really hate him, just the situation you've been put in). be prepared for people to be less than sympathetic to your feelings, because they will be. because, after all... what did you expect (i wanted to smack the first person who said that to me). if you need closure from him, then talk to him, but if it's going to be too painful for you then just walk away. letting go is hard, but you may not have any other choice. i know the "easy" advice to get is to move on, to find someone single that will love only you. but only those of us who have been in that situation know that it is, perhaps, one of the most difficult things you may need to do. when you've given your heart to someone, whether he's taken or not, you can't just switch off your feelings. it will take time. if you do talk to him, try to be strong (a beer or two, or three helped me remain composed). let him see your strength and remember you that way.

 

has he said much about his W's reaction?

[Leaf]

You guys are exactly what I need right now.

 

Izzy, you really understand. while reading your post, I started to cry.

 

His W's reaction... all he told me was how it happened and then he said "well, you can imagine what her reaction was."

 

I asked him if he told her he loved me.. He said he told her that that is what happened, and that while they were having problems it made our bond stronger because I was the one he was coming to.

He told her that he wanted to keep my friendship.. I cant imagine how this went over.. but she DID say that she had been suspicious of he and I (now I dont know her.. but she started spying on him and had asked about me even before we started a relationship at the time we were just friends. So she spies on him, he catches her.. get this... at the time... he told her that he was so hurt that she didnt trust him ect... Ironic huh?

 

I am such a suck... Every monday night for 2 years now we have watched the football game together.. and now, I am sitting at home alone while he is with her... All I want to do is call him... I think I am in shock as well, like .. "this cant be happening.."

*sigh*

[izzybelle]

leaf - i wish i didn't understand what you're going through, but unfortunately i think many of us here can easily relate to the pain and the many sleepless nights you will, no doubt, have in front of you. and i'm sorry that my post made you cry! football had a special meaning for me, too!

 

my relationship was no where near as long term as your's was and i'm sure you'll have a lot more of the memories to deal with than i did. although there are plenty and the stupidest things still set me off sometimes. i hope for you that you will be able to remember those memories with fondness someday.

 

you will probably go through many stages in accepting this before you'll be able to move on and denial is definitely one of them, as is the anger. so many have told me to find someone new to take his place in my heart, and i hope in time that that will be the case. as each day goes by, i feel that that becomes more of a possibility, although i think, for many years to come, there will be a "reserved" sign on a place in my heart. it would be so easy if we could just forget. and over and over and over again i tell myself..."better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." but, yeah...it just sucks!

 

just hang in there, and as i said before, make sure you take care of yourself. it's so easy to wallow in the sadness.

[Leaf]

This just is so effen unfair! I mean while I sit here in agony.. he is cuddling up to the wife... not a care in the world. I hope she kicks him out. ggrrrrr!!

[Barby]

Why do you think it is so unfair when you put yourself in that situation? Why did you think it would be "fair" for him to hurt her to be with you? Or did you not think about that?

 

 

I'm sorry but yes you're feeling bad but it's probably time to realize where YOUR responsibilty lies in all of this and how YOU brought at least SOME of the pain on yourself by getting involved in such a situation!

 

 

Okay I don't mean to come across harsh but looking at things how they REALLY are may help you heal your heart and move on.

[izzybelle]

barby,

 

when someone is hurting, it's easy to say that we feel that things are "unfair." it's just an expression of how someone feels about how something is impacting them at the moment. and personally, i don't think there is anything wrong in feeling that way. was it fair to me that my MM went back to his wife? no. was it is his best interest, or even his wife's best interest? the jury's still out on that one in my case. that doesn't mean that i would think it would be fair to hurt her to be with me. these situations aren't fair to anyone involve.

 

while i can't speak for Leaf, most of the OWs who post here realize that they are at least in part responsible for their own pain, but that doesn't take the pain away, so we come here for support. in time, being able to take a step back and look at the situation can be helpful, sometimes in order to learn from mistakes. but so is being able to feel what is happening in the here and now, and sometimes we want to feel that life isn't being fair. don't we all go through times when we feel like things aren't fair? it's all part of the process. any break up can cause incredible amounts of heartache and it may take a long time to work throught that pain. yes, ultimately, you are absolutely right, one needs to be able to look at the reality of the situation and that can help the healing process, but sometimes at the beginning the emotions are too raw to be able to look logically at the situation and realize that. when you've been hurt, logic sometimes takes time.

[Barby]

Oh I'm aware that she is in pain...I'm not blind, it's screaming from her post. I'm also amazed sometimes by how LITTLE the "OW" tends to want to accept her part for the prediciment she's in......

 

 

But I do understand ANY break-up is hard and by all means painful but I would THINK that MOST people and common sense would tell us that when we (well not me but "OW") enter into relationships with people who aren't FAITHFUL and we are "sharing" that it in time will more than likely HAVE to end...and since lots of times they have WIVES that they took vows too and probably have children....they will probably stay with their obligation....

 

 

KNOWING this SHOULD keep women from getting involved with not-single men but since it clearly doesn't (as we can clearly see) I know the pain is still there and raw but it shouldn't be claimed to be "unfair" if anything it's "unfair" for the "OW" to HELP the husband continue to hurt his wife by continuing the affair....this is MY opinion of course!

[Leaf]

I dont really know what to say here.... I mean we are both responsible, but I honestly with all of my heart never thought he was going to get married. I thought he was going to cancel it or at least postpone it.

It doesnt matter anyways, its clear that I am a piece of trash and that I should be tossed to the curb, because I am the whore here.

 

God, its like I have no feelings here or any other OW.. I mean we are the ones who fall for these guys who we think are wonderful and make us believe that we are the only ones. Then we pay the ultimate price by being thrown away like some toy that he got to play with for however long.. then, when it all comes down.. it has and will always be about the W. And what happens to him? nothing. He gets to play the loving husband again, she feels better while he holds her, comforts her, and what happens to us? Who comforts us? NO ONE and then we are told, You got what you deserved.

[izzybelle]

leaf,

no you are not trash and please don't think of yourself that way. i understand why you do, i've said those same words myself.

 

and welcome to the OW/OM forum! there are people here who will help you through this although you will get a healthy dose of reality. even those that are sometimes harsh don't mean any harm but feel the need over and over and over and over again, to point out to us that we were wrong and yes, got what we deserved.

 

and you're exactly right. the MM or MW go home to their wives or husbands and we're left alone with our grief and to top it off told that we should have expected it and that we deserved it. hey, i know that makes me feel a lot better! i took a few weeks off from posting and even reading posts because i got really tired of all of the bashing that was going on here. this is one of the few "safe" places that we have for support and i find it sad when it turns into a "let's tell the OW how wrong she was" discussion. i understand completely that everyone is entitled to post here and to voice their opinions and engage in discussion so just ignore what you want and listen to what you want and PM people, once you have the option to do that.

 

take care and i hope you enjoyed the football game anyway!

[Leaf]

Thanks, I couldnt watch it tho. *sigh* I love football and at this point dont see myself ever watching it again. I feel like ass so I decided to play some video games online ( I know it sounds dorky, i'm 32) but its really fun.. so I went and played with a good bunch of people.. and low and behold... guess who shows up.. yup "HIM" I notice he is just sitting there in the lobby of the game, so I think... Hum... whats he doing? So stupid me opens a game with just me in it and I invite him... he arrives.. I say "Hey" he says the same. I asked if he wanted to play? He says 'do you?' which was confusing, because I didnt know if he wanted to talk... so I ask him if he watched the FB game (mind you I am really cold to him).. he says no.. that he went out.. awwwwwwwww F*cker! more small talk.. I launch the game and am silent I didnt say a word...game is over, i tell him I was done for the night. He just sighed.. I said "Later" and logged off.

[izzybelle]

sounds like a tough evening. and it's sad the way all the things that were part of our lives that remind us of the MM become painful. but trust me, in time, you'll be able to watch football again! my relationship with my MM was long distance and my shortest path to work takes me past a hotel we stayed at once when he was in town. many days, i change my route so i don't have to deal with the memories. other days, i force myself to go to work that way so i can face it. as much as i still care for him, i can't let the memories control my life forever. but it's taken me a while to get to that point and there are days, like today, when i feel like i'm back at square one with all of the pain. good thing is, it doesn't take as long to bring myself out of it as it used to.

 

if it's easier for you, avoid some of the things that will bring the pain back for a while, including being in touch with him. i'm the worst person here to give advice on NC, since i'm still (after 6 mos) in contact with him periodically. part of it personal and part of it work related. he was a friend for a long time and i'm not ready to give up the friendship...and trust me, i've caught a lot of grief on that subject.

 

there will be good days ahead, but you will have to figure out for yourself whether that means cutting off all contact or not, and depending on his wife, you may not have much choice.

 

and it's not dorky to play video games! when i get bored or lonely i play games on my computer as well, and i'm older than you!

 

take care, and try to sleep tonight!

[Naive]

Originally posted by Leaf

It doesnt matter anyways, its clear that I am a piece of trash and that I should be tossed to the curb, because I am the whore here.

 

Did anyone call you this? because I read the posts and I could not find something that remotely said this. Maybe you feel guilty therefore you feel like you are being called this.

 

God, its like I have no feelings here or any other OW.. I mean we are the ones who fall for these guys who we think are wonderful and make us believe that we are the only ones. Then we pay the ultimate price by being thrown away like some toy that he got to play with for however long.. then, when it all comes down.. it has and will always be about the W. And what happens to him? nothing. He gets to play the loving husband again, she feels better while he holds her, comforts her, and what happens to us? Who comforts us? NO ONE and then we are told, You got what you deserved.

 

 

You have to be aware that some people are not going to sugar coat anything for you, why should they? they don't know you. Sometimes this can be the best advice and genuine advice that you can ever get.

 

I have been in this situation before and I take full responsibility. I got what I deserved and in the end when he left his W I could not take the guilt. I never played the victime and I don't intend to, you know what you are getting yourself into even when you think they might actually leave.

[fanou22]

Can someone please explain to me why did he get married when he was 10 mon into an affair.

 

Sorry if it was posted earlier and have missed it.

 

Leaf,

 

Sorry about what you are going through. I can guarantee you that he was not cuddling with his wife. They were sitting on opposite sides of the couch shooting flames to each others with their eyes. And he had to escape and go play video games so he can clear his mind.

 

Do not think he will get away with it. Seems like his wife has him by the balls and she will make his life a living hell for the rest of it. I cannot tell whether you will speak with him again and what he will say but I can tell you that he will be going through leaf-withdrawals for the next few weeks.

 

I am sure that he loves you and that you will always be special. But the man was not man enough to make a decision a few months ago. He will never be.

 

I am sorry and I deeply apologize if I hurt and came on too strong but geeeee I hate men like this.

[Inovermyhead]

Leaf,

 

I am so sorry you are going through such pain! I truly understand, as I have been there.

 

I think there has been too much bashing on you. HE was the person who became engaged to another woman, and dated you at the same time. HE was the one who lead you both to believe you were each "the one." HE was the one who used and abused you. Yes, it was your choice to stay with him, in that situation, BUT, it is difficult to just walk away after having fallen in love. It was so unfair of him to play you like that.

 

Edited: TMI

[Leaf]

Thank you so much guys. I cant tell you how much your words are helping me.

 

He sent me a few messages today already...

 

One was from last night all it said was: 'night * <--- the "*" is a kiss.

 

He sent me another one this morning:

"Um..after we talked yesterday I went out and just walked. Nowhere inparticular, just where ever I ended up. I came to the conclusion that I really don't deserve anything or anyone. Like I told you yesterday, I have become what I have always detested.

Once home I just kept on thinking about you and how we interact flawlessly. Everything reminds me of you. I then got sick, which has never happened to me before. I have never been naucious without a physical reason. Anyhow, that's besides the point. I know I have put you through worse and I am sorry. I just didn't want to let go of the possibility of us being together. Stupid huh?

Last night when you left halo...I just sat there staring at the screen. Just couldn't believe how I have ****ed everything up. When you asked me whether I was watching fb...I couldn't. I tried, but it didn't seem right. I am so ****ed up.

It is times like this that I really wish that I didn't exhist at all. So many people would be better off. I all I seem to do is hurt people.. *sigh*"

 

 

Is this some martyr Bull****?