LucreziaBorgia Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Originally posted by Leaf Is this some martyr Bull****? He's trying to make himself look a little less like the "bad guy" in this situation. No matter how sick he is, no matter how hurt, no matter how desperate - the fact is that he led you on for nearly a year, and then married someone else. He had a chance to fix one of those relationships, and he chose to fix the one with his wife. Then he has the nerve to crawl to you after treating you so horribly, and then try to make YOU feel sorry for HIM from the comfort and security of his marriage home. Oh, boo hoo. Poor guy. I'm sorry you went through this. I've been the OW before too. Its painful to feel discarded like that. Truly the best thing for you would be to try to get your heart put back together - and the easiest way for that to happen would be to have this guy leave you alone. It is so unfair of him to do this to you (and to his wife as well - I can't imagine what her reaction would have been to read that message he sent you). Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Leaf- Gotta say I can well imagine how much you're hurting right now. I'm not nor hopefully never will be the OP, but like you've already heard, getting dumped in ANY relationship hurts. I wonder about this tho...HE knew he was getting married when he got involved with you. HE never ended his engagement, and HE went through with the marriage. I agree you've got a LOT of the responsibility here, don't take me wrong! (ask the other OW/OM here on this forum about my views if you like...they'll tell you I"m a jerk! ) But bear with me here...there's a pattern forming. Not only did HE keep both relationships going...HE was the one who left the email "accidentally" open for his wife to find it. Conveniently, while HE was on the phone with you! Sounds to me like he was already looking to end his relationship with you, and was too much of a weasal to do it face to face. Walk away, and get your own life lady. You'll feel better about yourself in the long run. He was a bad mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 I think there has been too much bashing on you. Puuuleaze! I am NOT bashing...she is bashing herself then asking why why?!!! Why when you don't hear what you want to hear automatically whoever doesn't agree gets considered to be "bashing" Give me a break! I'm trying to help you see HOW you can PREVENT this NEXT time, by AVOIDING getting involved with a TAKEN man.... Yes the man is to blame AS WELL but obviously he was a RATT or else he wouldn't be getting nookie on the side when he's got someone at home...BUT the "OW" what does that say if you allow someone to do this to you? (just a thought to ponder) Anyway HE was the person who became engaged to another woman, and dated you at the same time. Yes as she said she KNEW (hello!) that he was engaged to another woman BEFORE (again hello!) she got involved with him! I know you feel like a piece of trash, blah, blah, blah! So next time when someone says they're seeing someone/engaged/married.........run, leave them alone no matter how attractive they are.....and why continue contact if he made his choice?? Do you want to prolong the agony in hopes that he'll "change his mind" ?? Don't you feel you deserve better than to "wait around" and hope he does? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 I agree that the only way I am going to get on with my life is to tell him to leave me alone. We are talking today and I am going to tell him that this is the time inwhich he should tell me everything he ever wanted to, because it will be the last time we talk. You all have such wonderful words of wisdom and you are all right. This is so hard. Yesterday he said to me 'Why would you want someone like me?" I said.. "Why would she?!" lol! I feel I am becoming a veeeeery bitter woman right now. How do you guys deal with the bitterness? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 How do you guys deal with the bitterness? I aim my bitterness (mentally) at the person who deserves it. The shameless cakeman. I sympathize with your feeling of being discarded and rejected. The worthlessness, etc. It may take a while for you to find reasons to hope. One of the best things you have going for you is also one of the temporary worst things...that you're free! I think that before many months have passed, you will be so happy not to be tangled up with this two-faced user. The W has to either live with that liar, or get an expensive divorce and watch her whole world crumble. In fact, her world is already partly crumbled. Don't bash yourself. You're already in enough pain. But please do figure out a way to avoid this kind of problem next time. The easiest rule of thumb I have come across is Judge by actions over words. If you had applied that here, this problem couldn't have developed too far. You would ignore his promises, and just watch his wedding preparations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 How did you do that? Aim it at him? Did you stop talking to him? Tell him to jump off a bridge? Its so hard because a part of me just doesnt want to believe this is happening.. ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
DoggyDog Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Leaf, I'm so heartened with how your feeling...This is my story to an extent. My MM told me he "wasn't good for me" and couldn't commit and I deserve better...all bull after 20 yrs with him (LDR )....There are no words to express the "PAIN"...especially when I was with him the week before my birthday time. All of a sudden "IT"S GONE" via phone (coward)...He said it was "HIM" not "ME". Bullsh___t!!!! He said it so to spare me...wasn't that nice of him? Stay with the W and his nice little life while mine is torn apart ..... She did find out about me earlier in the year....never knew what went down in that house either....but I keep saying to myself "HE'S a CHEAT".... and I allowed it....."I'M the FOOL" for falling in love with a MM.....I will never ever do thru this again.....This is my last and final affair with any man whose not FREE.....(this is my 2nd affair with MM) and both times there has been so much pain in the end for ME....Yes, I'm sure they may hurt, but think about it.....they still are in a house with a wife...a person, flesh, warmth, I don't give a damn I'm home "ALONE"...freezing and broken down right now.....Tis the Season.....To Break Up....once again. Now let's try to put things in order.....MM is a bastard for hurting me, how dare him...he chose HER over ME....(I'm not good enough right?), double basdard....and then NC to even see how I'm doing and saying how much he LOVES me....triple BASTARD......I HATE YOU FOR MY HURT....and your FU___KED UP LOVE... See Leaf, this is how I'm coping in my head....and everyday, I keep saying this... Thoughts are with us on this forum...and we're all pulling for each other to get thru this crap.....this pain....and we're ALONE doing it while our MM is enjoying the holiday season in their COMFORTABLE home with the "FAMILY" that you are NOT part of and that they DON'T want you to be part of.....Does everyone understand this.......every OW out there....You are NOT his life...I am NOT his life.....We are NOT their LOVE.......We are their FANTASY....No TIES..... Well gotta close, L DD Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Now let's try to put things in order.....MM is a bastard for hurting me, how dare him...he chose HER over ME....(I'm not good enough right?), double basdard....and then NC to even see how I'm doing and saying how much he LOVES me....triple BASTARD......I HATE YOU FOR MY HURT....and your FU___KED UP LOVE... I could not have said it better. If only every person considering an OW role could carry around a little wallet card with this printed on it...because it is the way it happens 99.994% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Does everyone understand this.......every OW out there....You are NOT his life...I am NOT his life.....We are NOT their LOVE.......We are their FANTASY....No TIES..... You are soooo right about this in so many ways. And I have to say that while I've probably got a good rep here as an "OP basher", I really do feel for anyone who's involved in a relationship like this...because they are almost all doomed to this kind of failure eventually. Hang in there both of you...and I really and truly hope that you both find a good SO...one who ISN"T married, and can give you ALL of the love and attention you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 Wow! That was an awesome post. You hit the nail on the head! These bastards are so not worthy of anyones love let alone ours. I am about 30 minutes from my final conversation with MM. I am trying to gather up my composure and trying to figure out how I am even going to say hello. I just wish that they understood what they have done, understand it in a way to make a difference. But alas, I dont think they are capapble. You said that we are their fantasies.. funny, last January.. he told me one night "You are my every fantasy" at the time I thought of it as the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me.. now, I look back on it as a glaring example of the real truth.. like you said.. we live in their heads.. no ties. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 leaf, be careful to not lose your temper with him unless you really think you won't regret it. there's always the temptation to tell him off, and if it makes you feel better then go for it. just don't set yourself up for feeling like you need to "apologize" at a later date. if it's going to be your final conversation, don't let him see the bitterness you're feeling. be better than him, leave him wondering about the wonderful woman he's leaving behind. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 with the "FAMILY" that you are NOT part of and that they DON'T want you to be part of.....Does everyone understand this.......every OW out there....You are NOT his life...I am NOT his life.....We are NOT their LOVE.......We are their FANTASY....No TIES..... That has to be the most perfect line and a perfect reality check for anybody in this situation. So easy to put blinders on and only see what you want to see...Sadly enough, that above, it the harsh reality of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Why am I so pathetic? I talked to him yesterday... I thought it was really productive... He cried... told me how much he loved me... told me how much he wanted me... oh god... *crying* we talked for almost 2 hours then he had to go... he told me he wanted to keep talking this through... then when he could he got on his computer and sent me an IM.. when his computer freaked out.. so while he took off I spent 2 hours finding what was wrong with it.. sent him how to fix it... he didnt even say thank you... so when he contacted me last night, I was like you could have at least said thank you... he then said it. So last night when we were talking, she was there.. so he ws just talking to me like a friend... which broke my heart... I asked him if he missed me (yes I am THAT pathetic) he said yes, I said "alot"? he said "yup" I said "more than infinity?" He said "thats the ballpark we are talking".... I asked him if he wanted to snuggle up, he said yes, I said 'do you promise?" his voice got really soft and he said yes. Then I asked him about the telephone.. I asked if i could still use it... he said "Prolly not a good idea" so I said "ever?" he said "Not at the moment"... I said 'Thats not fair!" again his voice got soft and he said "I know." He didnt send me a good night message, and at 4am when I got up I had no good morning message... this is the first time I havent gotten that message. So I began to cry, uncontrollably... So now for my UBER patheic moment today... I called his phone, knowing that he said it wasnt a good idea... But dammit I am crying my eyes out and I wanted him to hear it. I wanted him to hear me down on my knees crying. So I called anyways, I was going to tell him I didnt care about breaking HIS rule of calling and I wouldnt call again... I just wanted to hear his voice (again .. PATHETIC!) Well, i got the courage and called... the phone rang and rang.. then I got his voice mail... I just hung up.. For all I know She has his phone... ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 I just took his number out of my phone.. I am so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 I must admit it is upsetting for me to read your posts. At one point you are so adament that you are going to leave him and then with one phone call you are mush again. Why do you think you are not worthy or a man who will be with you 100%, who is not already in a relationship and whose actions mimic their words? Until you start realizing you deserve better, this is the life you have to look forward to. Only you can control what and how you act and react. You are leading yourself down this path towards unhappiness. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 no Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 So do something about it. Stop contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Or stop whining! I'm sure he's getting sick of hearing about it to. He made his choice why are you so adamant about trying to get him back? He isn't going to leave his wife OBVIOUSLY so do want to be his "OW" forever? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Thanks alot. Good luck to all of you. - leaf Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Leaf.. you need to understand that no matter how hard he says this is for him, or much he says it's killing him.. he ISN'T willing to do anything different in doing the right things for anyone but HIMSELF. IF he was EVER going to do the right things.. he would have already done them. Saying you will do the right thing is easy.. doing the right thing is the hard work. If you continue to have contact with him it will only serve to lower your self esteem more and make you question your reality on a continual basis. I know you don't want to accept that he isn't going to do the right thing, because he keeps saying he will.. but believe me sister.. he won't.. not for you, not for his wife. IF this guy cares for you and loves you the way he insist he does.. then leave him alone.. do what you need to do to stay busy and rediscover the person you were BEFORE you met him.. the person that attracted HIM to YOU to begin with.. (I gaurantee the person you've allowed yourself to become isn't what made him interested in you to begin with) time will show you, IF he is serious or means ANYTHING he has told you ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leaf Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 You are 100% right Merin. That is what I am going to do. I am going to rediscover myself and be the best "me" I can be. If he doesnt want me, that is his loss. Its very hard right now because it has only been a few days... but each day I am getting stronger. He sent me a message today... I didnt open it for about an hour.. When I opened it he told me he loved me. I'm glad he does, its good to be loved.. but until he can make some changes in his life he cant really love me the way I deserve to be loved. On a side note: I want to thank the people who have been so kind and supported, without your words I would be in a much poorer mental state. For the others, I dont know your stories, I dont know if you were cheated on or have done the cheating, and some of your strong words have really helped me. Sort of the Snap-out-of-it type of toughness that one DOES need to hear. But to be told that I am whining and you are sick of hearing it really goes against what I thought this place was. I opened myself up in a time of need to what I thought was a support group of people who understood the craziness that these situations bring. When I posted this morning I was expressing how I felt at that moment. There was no need to tell me to stop whining... simply no need for it. If you are not interested in offering your wisdom than I graciously ask that you do not post regarding this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Why would you ask for God's help knowing that God considers infidelity a SIN and the ONLY SIN that allows for divorce?! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Because He still forgives us, and loves us even though we've sinned? Not your place to judge, friend, nor mine. If you're really a Christian, then don't judge, but do what you can to help others. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by Owl Because He still forgives us, and loves us even though we've sinned? Not your place to judge, friend, nor mine. If you're really a Christian, then don't judge, but do what you can to help others. I can see what his point is though Owl. Why put, "dear god in heaven", in the beginning of her post if she's not even considering going to Him for real? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Because having significant meaning to a number of people....it's also a figure of speech. Don't give it more meaning than it was intended to have. Link to post Share on other sites
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