disproportionate anger: his road rage is out of control

[bluetuesday]

a good friend has confided in me that he needs help dealing with his excessive road rage.

 

he gets so furious - way out of proportion to the perceived 'wrong' in both our opinions - that he physically shakes with fury when he gets out of the car.

 

he's not been physically violent, yet, with another road user, but his inability to control the rage he feels is affecting him deeply. he feels unable to stop his anger boiling over and it's worrying him a great deal.

 

i'm not interested in knowing how much of a red flag this behaviour is, i know, and i'm not dating him so it's someone else's problem as far as coping with it on a permanent basis goes.

 

but he's asked me for help. he is deeply ashamed of this and wants so much to get better.

 

does anyone have experience of anger management courses or of helping someone through an issue like this?

 

from our few conversations about the topic my friend appears to KNOW he has a need to control situations - stemming from childhood abuse - and he's a somewhat fractured, introverted man because of it who flares up wildly when he feels a situation slipping beyond his control or when he perceives an injustice.

 

he's been so brave to admit this problem to himself and to me and i badly want to help him begin his recovery. i've got some minor, voluntary counselling experience (i'm a prison visitor and have helped some of the guys out by talking them through their issues etc.) but i'm no more than an well-meaning amateur.

 

so where do we go from here?

[moimeme]

Is there any reason he doesn't go see a professional who is skilled in counselling people with anger problems? He, doubtless, has leftover issues from his past and that sort of thing often comes out as anger. Until they are dealt with, I doubt he'll be able to learn to control the anger. He may have even suffered a brain injury to the bit of the frontal lobe that inhibits acting on emotions like anger.

 

IMHO, he needs to see a professional for this. This isn't just a case of the blues; it's serious stuff.

[alphamale]

well, everyone makes a mistake or two on the road when driving.

 

what does your friend do when HE f***s up and by accident cuts someone offf or goes thru a stop sign or speeds excessively??

 

does he rage on himself???

 

this dude needs serious psychological or psychiatric intervention right now.

[Dakini]

Originally posted by bluetuesday

from our few conversations about the topic my friend appears to KNOW he has a need to control situations - stemming from childhood abuse - and he's a somewhat fractured, introverted man because of it who flares up wildly when he feels a situation slipping beyond his control or when he perceives an injustice.

 

It sounds to me like this is a problem with anger/control in general. Does this spill over into other areas of his life? How is he dealing with it thus far?

 

Have you broached the possibility of therapy? How does he react?

 

Also, does he see the linkages between his anger and his past abuses?

 

 

Sorry for all the questions. Some more information might be helpful to better assist you.

[bluetuesday]

does he rage on himself???

i've witnessed him being very angry with himself following an outburst. he knows the behaviour is irrational, he just doesn't know how to change the pattern.

It sounds to me like this is a problem with anger/control in general. Does this spill over into other areas of his life? How is he dealing with it thus far?

he feels injustice very keenly, in all areas of his life. how he deals is difficult to say, he seems to deal by not dealing with the problem, by deflecting the blame and by burying his head. his admission that he thinks he needs help was a huge step forward.

Have you broached the possibility of therapy? How does he react?

well, he brought it up. he asked my advice but began the conversation by acknowledging he has a problem he thinks he needs help for. however, i'm guessing that actually doing anything about it is some way off, that would be an admission to the world that he's unable to deal with something - which i suspect would further hammer his self-esteem. so while i'm sure the suggestion of therapy was not a surprise to him, it may be some time before he books an appointment.

Also, does he see the linkages between his anger and his past abuses?

he's a very intelligent man. i think he sees the links logically (he would, for example, be the first to point them out in other people) but emotionally he is, for want of a better word, stunted. and this is simply the way he's learned to deal with the world - he may not make the emotional link between a rough childhood and how he reacts now. if you delude the world long enough it's just a short step to deluding yourself, after all.

 

when his rage blows out of control he genuinely thinks he's justified at the time. only when he has calmed down can he view the situation dispassionately enough to realise he did not handle it well. i have not stated the link explicitly but i have said enough to let him know i know without forcing the issue and making him think i'm boxing him into a corner.

 

i'm sorry if i'm being vague. i do not know all the details, getting information about his past is like pulling your own teeth out through your ass - a very long and tortuous experience.

 

so apart from suggesting professional counselling (which i have done) what, if anything, can i do in the meantime to help him?

 

an emotional psychologist friend suggested i make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable and won't be tolerated by me, but since he's never, ever directed inappropriate anger towards me, and even during arguments i find him reasonable, logical and forgiving, that doesn't seem an appropriate response for me to make towards him.

[NatoPMT]

i have read specifically that cognitive behaviour therapy works very well for road rage.