Contacting the OM's wife.

[Timmos]

Its 3:15 AM and I can't sleep. Again.

 

I've been lurking here for a while now and I know the consensus is to inform the AP's spouse. However, I am wary of doing so, for a couple of reasons.

 

My wife and I are reconciling after her short term affair. I believe she is remorseful for her actions. The OM is completely out of our lives, and I genuinely do not want any sort of contact between any of us, his wife included. Should I inform her of the affair (if she doesn't know already), this might change. I want them gone, forever.

 

The second concern is that if I were to inform her, and she was to act on certain parts of the information, my wife would most certainly lose her job. If it was only the two of us, this might not bother me as much. However, we have a young daughter. Our financial situation at the moment is strained at best. Her job is a decent one for our area (Small, rural, 13% unemployment), and far more stable than mine for the time being. I am wary of sending my family into homelessness just to inform the other BS.

 

What do I do? I believe very strongly that she deserves to know she is living a lie. But I can't stand the thought of putting ourselves at risk by informing her. To me, it seems best to just forget the whole notion and focus on MY marriage, though it kills me not to tell her.

[Yesterday]

Its 3:15 AM and I can't sleep. Again.

 

I've been lurking here for a while now and I know the consensus is to inform the AP's spouse. However, I am wary of doing so, for a couple of reasons.

 

My wife and I are reconciling after her short term affair. I believe she is remorseful for her actions. The OM is completely out of our lives, and I genuinely do not want any sort of contact between any of us, his wife included. Should I inform her of the affair (if she doesn't know already), this might change. I want them gone, forever.

 

The second concern is that if I were to inform her, and she was to act on certain parts of the information, my wife would most certainly lose her job. If it was only the two of us, this might not bother me as much. However, we have a young daughter. Our financial situation at the moment is strained at best. Her job is a decent one for our area (Small, rural, 13% unemployment), and far more stable than mine for the time being. I am wary of sending my family into homelessness just to inform the other BS.

 

What do I do? I believe very strongly that she deserves to know she is living a lie. But I can't stand the thought of putting ourselves at risk by informing her. To me, it seems best to just forget the whole notion and focus on MY marriage, though it kills me not to tell her.

 

I don't get it how the OM is completely out of your lives, yet your wife would definitely lose her job should she inform the AP wife? Difficult to answer without understanding why she would lose her job. Is the OM somehow connected to your wife's position?

 

In my case, I informed the AP wife almost immediately by email, and told her that I was prepared to meet with her should she want to talk over coffee. I also told her that my wife was fully aware of my disclosure and agreement to meet. The meeting never happened, and his wife never responded to my email. Probably because the affair took place many years ago.

 

If it were to risk your financial stability, I would probably pass. On the other hand, you are giving the OM a free pass to take advantage of your wife, for his part in the affair without any consequences whatsoever. His wife has a right to know what a low life he is.

 

Sorry you have to endure this.

[Timmos]

I don't get it how the OM is completely out of your lives, yet your wife would definitely lose her job should she inform the AP wife? Difficult to answer without understanding why she would lose her job. Is the OM somehow connected to your wife's position?

 

They were coworkers. He is no longer employed there. But while he was, they had sex inside the place of employment. Should the OM's wife become as angry as I am, she could easily inform the employer and my wife would be fired immediately.

 

In my case, I informed the AP wife almost immediately by email, and told her that I was prepared to meet with her should she want to talk over coffee. I also told her that my wife was fully aware of my disclosure and agreement to meet. The meeting never happened, and his wife never responded to my email. Probably because the affair took place many years ago.

 

If it were to risk your financial stability, I would probably pass. On the other hand, you are giving the OM a free pass to take advantage of your wife, for his part in the affair without any consequences whatsoever. His wife has a right to know what a low life he is.

 

Agreed. Exactly. Sigh.

 

Sorry you have to endure this.

 

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[Lillyfree]

hello timmos

i'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

i'm a fWW. i had an almost year long EA, and we've met a few times but never went to a PA.

i broke it off, went NC and then told my husband what i've done.

 

i didn't want to inform OM's girlfriend. not because i didn't think she should know, but because it would bring him back into my life - and my M was hanging by a thread at that time. OM was moving to my city and i was happy to just cut him off while he was still LD and never to see or hear from him again.

 

my husband didn't want me to have any further contact with him or his girlfriend. he didn't want to tell her. his opinion was, and still is, that if i could come clean so could OM. that we should look after our marriage and us.

 

i know the consensus here IS to tell, under any circumstance. i believe that you need to evaluate the situation and act accordingly.

on top of that, you have your wife's job loss and everything that brings.

 

why not concentrate on repairing your marriage for now; maybe your wife can look for another job and once that's secure you can inform the other BS?

 

and i understand how hard it is now, but when you get yourself to a place where you don't care about OM getting his punishment, what his life is like, is when you'll begin truly healing. maybe that will be a better time to tell his wife.

[Timmos]

hello timmos

i'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

i'm a fWW. i had an almost year long EA, and we've met a few times but never went to a PA.

i broke it off, went NC and then told my husband what i've done.

 

i didn't want to inform OM's girlfriend. not because i didn't think she should know, but because it would bring him back into my life - and my M was hanging by a thread at that time. OM was moving to my city and i was happy to just cut him off while he was still LD and never to see or hear from him again.

 

my husband didn't want me to have any further contact with him or his girlfriend. he didn't want to tell her. his opinion was, and still is, that if i could come clean so could OM. that we should look after our marriage and us.

 

i know the consensus here IS to tell, under any circumstance. i believe that you need to evaluate the situation and act accordingly.

on top of that, you have your wife's job loss and everything that brings.

 

why not concentrate on repairing your marriage for now; maybe your wife can look for another job and once that's secure you can inform the other BS?

 

and i understand how hard it is now, but when you get yourself to a place where you don't care about OM getting his punishment, what his life is like, is when you'll begin truly healing. maybe that will be a better time to tell his wife.

 

You're probably right. Its just that he married the poor girl during their affair. When he should have been with her, he was screwing my wife and in constant contact - even when on their honeymoon. I really feel that she needs to know, as its not be too late for her to save herself.

[seren]

I didn't tell the OW's husband, he was known to be violent and TBH, I knew if I did both she and her children would be on the receiving end of his anger. I also was reconciling and while my H wanted to tell him and apologise, I asked him not to as I didn't want anymore drama in our lives. I knew that if I told we would have him at our home and I felt that me and our son had been through enough without having to deal with anymore. I had just been through chemo and my H lived away from home during the week, so it would have been us that dealt with any fallout from informing him.

 

My H said he would let the BS take a pop at him as he felt he deserved nothing less, my H was a very fit, able to look after himself military man at the time and he would have stood while the BS hit him, the thought of all that wasn't good for me or us. Selfish? yes absolutely, but at that time I was circling our horses and concentrating on us. As it was he found out anyway and she was badly beaten, I helped her find a refuge to stay at as I had contacts through my work at the time. 6 years down the road after D Day and I regret not speaking up, yet this is also balanced against how I would have felt if she had been beaten after my telling.

 

My advice is do what is right for you, we would all advise to tell as we would all hope others would tell us, yes it is hypocritical to not do what we would want ourselves, but sometimes we have to do what is right for us. Think long and hard, while reconciling it seems right to not want anymore contact or drama or fallout from the A, but it can also give closure. I wish you both well.

[Lillyfree]

You're probably right. Its just that he married the poor girl during their affair. When he should have been with her, he was screwing my wife and in constant contact - even when on their honeymoon. I really feel that she needs to know, as its not be too late for her to save herself.

 

yes, OM is a POS. cheaters are. selfish and inconsiderate.

 

and it would be good to tell her before she gets pregnant...

maybe an option is to tell her all that, and ask for her silence when it comes to advising your wife's workplace, in return for your kindness.

 

but you never know.

again, i'm so sorry you're here. affairs suck.

[Timmos]

maybe an option is to tell her all that, and ask for her silence when it comes to advising your wife's workplace, in return for your kindness.

 

There's also the possibility that he would throw her (my wife) under the bus to save his own ass. I'm sure he could be quite vindictive if his little world suddenly fell apart.

[yellowmaverick]

You are in a tough spot. Generally, I think the other BS should be told. Not sure I would do that if my child would suffer, directly or indirectly.

[bobwhite007]

If she works for him it sounds like sexual harassment. Maybe he will lose his job. And maybe you can get a settlement. Iam also still tring to decide whether or not to inform the wife of my wife's "friend".

Edited October 31, 2013 by bobwhite007
incomplete

[goodyblue]

I'm confused. I thought that the consensus from BS's was generally that the AP's spouse should ALWAYS be told, as disease is rampant? Also, so that they can make their own choices?

 

And I thought that it was also the consensus that if someone lost their job because of an affair, it was their own fault and they need to suffer the consequences of their actions? Also, that if they were worried about their children's well being they would have not had the affair to begin with?

 

Why is this particular case any different?

[Timmos]

If she works for him it sounds like sexual harassment. Maybe he will lose his job. And maybe you can get a settlement. Iam also still tring to decide whether or not to inform the wife.

 

She didn't work for him, he was just a coworker. He was fired, and for what reason, I don't know. She isn't even sure. But there was/is an air of suspicion in her office. I wouldn't doubt it had something to do with his termination.

[Timmos]

And I thought that it was also the consensus that if someone lost their job because of an affair, it was their own fault and they need to suffer the consequences of their actions? Also, that if they were worried about their children's well being they would have not had the affair to begin with?

 

Why is this particular case any different?

 

It would entirely be her own fault, but considering we are reconciling and she could possibly lose her job, it would directly effect the health/security of my family. And *someone* has to consider the effects and outcomes of their actions (in regards to our family) around here.

[goodyblue]

It would entirely be her own fault, but considering we are reconciling and she could possibly lose her job, it would directly effect the health/security of my family. And *someone* has to consider the effects and outcomes of their actions (in regards to our family) around here.

 

While this may be true, BS's on this forum repeatedly say 'expose, expose, expose'. So, The first thing you should do is tell her AP's spouse. Then let her suffer the consequences. If you suffer them too, that's unfortunate.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

God, tell her. She needs to know before they have children and bring innocents into a f'ed up situation. Please.

[road]

Being that the OM was fired I doubt that your WW would lose her job.

 

Though you live in a rural area and that means there is always going to be the chance that your WW will run into the OM.

 

NC is a must. You need exposure to kill this affair so that it does not restart as affairs will sometimes do.

 

The OMW is a BW and deserves the truth as much as you need to protect your marriage.

 

Also being you live in a small town you will find it better to move far away.

 

How did you find out about WW's affair?

[Artie Lang]

i agree. she(OBS) must be told at some point. it's quite selfish to keep this information to yourself while the OBS is totally oblivious and living a lie.

 

the "what if" scenarios you've described are called consequences. these two people knew very well what might happen should this be discovered, yet they paid no mind while they where having their fun.

 

 

one other thing..... if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you like to know???

[Yesterday]

There's also the possibility that he would throw her (my wife) under the bus to save his own ass. I'm sure he could be quite vindictive if his little world suddenly fell apart.

 

Timmos,

 

Your wifes' AP certainly is a POS, to have an affair during the period prior to his wedding, during his honeymoon, and after his marriage! Doesn't that situation also reflect upon your wifes' mindset in this too? Didn't she know of his wedding date before offering herself to him, she certainly did after the honeymoon?

 

You don't appear very upset at your wife in your post? Hasn't your world suddenly fallen apart following this disclosure? Shouldn't his?

 

I highly recommend telling the other BS, she has a right to know who she has for a husband, and the extent of his deceit, manipulation and disrespect.

 

I truly am sorry about your situation for you and your young daughter.

[Timmos]

God, tell her. She needs to know before they have children and bring innocents into a f'ed up situation. Please.

 

They already have two.

[Timmos]

Being that the OM was fired I doubt that your WW would lose her job.

 

Though you live in a rural area and that means there is always going to be the chance that your WW will run into the OM.

 

NC is a must. You need exposure to kill this affair so that it does not restart as affairs will sometimes do.

 

The OMW is a BW and deserves the truth as much as you need to protect your marriage.

 

Also being you live in a small town you will find it better to move far away.

 

How did you find out about WW's affair?

 

He lives an hour away. Not that that's stopped him before...

[Timmos]

Your wifes' AP certainly is a POS, to have an affair during the period prior to his wedding, during his honeymoon, and after his marriage! Doesn't that situation also reflect upon your wifes' mindset in this too? Didn't she know of his wedding date before offering herself to him, she certainly did after the honeymoon?

 

She did not know of the marriage prior to it. She received a FB message telling her that he had married the other BS. Can you believe she felt betrayed? HAH! But its ok, it was "just to make sure his kids got money if he died in combat." Or some other such horse ****.

 

You don't appear very upset at your wife in your post? Hasn't your world suddenly fallen apart following this disclosure? Shouldn't his?

 

I've lost 45 pounds since May 19th, but that's a whole 'nother thread.

[Timmos]

one other thing..... if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you like to know???

 

Yes. And my wife says she would want to know as well, which is why she is not really opposed to me informing the other BS. Though I do see it as her responsibility to do so, not mine.

[Jonah]

Keep all the information and wait for a better time. The potency of the explosives won't wane much even if you have to wait years. It will give you something to look forward to. Patience grasshopper!

[Artie Lang]

BS's are usually more receptive toward the other BS. furthermore, who knows what your wife might tell her, or NOT tell her.

 

gather all your evidence(phone records/texts) in a package ready to be forwarded to her. with this in hand, you give her a call describing your predicament and how she's involved. tell her what you know and the evidence you've obtained.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Part of the reason for informing the other man's wife is to either break up the affair, or to make sure it doesn't start up again.

 

If your wife felt betrayed by the other man, I would assume she was pretty deep into it, which would make me think that it could start up again at some future time.

 

What you have posted is that you are afraid that, by telling the other man's wife, the other man will contact your wife, and the affair will start back up.

 

The fact that your wife WANTS to tell other man's wife might be a good thing, if she wants to do it to prove to you how much she loves you and how little she cares about the other man. From my experience, even the truly remorseful cheaters, even though they may do this IF YOU WANT, don't actively seek this out. It's more like they would do it if you asked them to, not that they are actively bringing it up over and over.

 

In my opinion, the cheaters who want to do it and bring it up over and over, they want to continue the affair and see this as an opportunity to possibly get it started back up. Especially if other man has dumped her, she may figure, what can it hurt to tell his wife, she might kick him out and then he will come back around to her.

 

How did your wife's affair end? Did she end it, did other man end it, did she confess, or did you catch her? Did she immediately tell you that it was a mistake and she wanted only you, or were her loyalties divided?