The need to know vs "RJ"

[GunsNRoses]

Hello forum!

 

My first post here.

So here's the deal:

Met the girl 1.5yrs ago. Became friends with her, asked her out in the beginning of this year. She said no first but then stuff happened and she's now my gf. She's my first, but I'm her 3rd. I never knew the crappy/stupid side of mine before I started seeing her. I knew I was insecure, but I didn't know what that could lead me to do. And it made me do/say some crazy things I'm not proud of.

Unfortunately, all these emotions are dictated by something that lies beyond reasoning and logic.

 

She has had a horrible 1st bf...to the extent of physical and mental abuse, the likes of which when I hear I get depressed. And it haunts me.

 

I know she has a past, she's told me several things about her past relationships that disgust me (for eg. sexual relations). It all bugs me out.

I can't get over the fact that she did it with someone as much of an ******* as her 1st. Yet she says all that was at a time when he was not the *******. But then, in my mind, I don't think that's a good argument. He was an ******* from the start to other people. She knew that quite well. But she still got impressed with the bad boy image of his and did whatever. And suffered from it. This is still not the reason why I started this thread, although any help in this regard would be great!

 

The main issue I am here for is this:

The urge to know more about her and how things were before me and what she did with bfs before me is so huge that sometimes I just can't help but ask her these things. And when I do gain the information, it ****ing haunts me...annoys me...repulses me...makes me feel bad about what she did. I guess this fits in the RJ umbrella, however, it is not as bad. I can usually put these thoughts away and don't get bothered by them. But IF and when I start thinking about it...it gets real bad, and there's not much I can do. I keep imagining her with previous bfs and it disgusts me.

BUT, I want to know things about her past as well. I can't help but be curious. What the hell, right?!

 

What is the correct approach to this problem? Let sleeping dogs lie? I feel if I do that, I wouldn't know her fully. Besides, there's my own curiosity. Gah...as it is I know a lot. Dilemma! I know many of you would say she's with you now and other such stuff. I know that. But that doesn't usually help me.

 

Also, if someone can tell how they got rid of their own insecurities...that would help.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I was in the same boat with my first love. I thought I had to know everything, every detail about her previous sex life. I made her tell me and the details drove me into a downward spiral.

 

I couldn't stop picturing it, the positions, the passion... everything. I gave her grief over it because I couldn't stop the hurt within.

 

It's 20 years later and you know what? I am so ashamed at how I acted. It soooo disrespectful to give someone sh*t about their love life before you.

 

I had disorders that made it all worse. My emotions often controlled me and I didn't understand how messed up *I* was at the time.

 

Do you know what I'd give to be able to apologize for stuff like that?

 

 

*Besides, making them think of their exes and the sex they had is not good for your relationship. You want her to NOT think about that stuff. You want her to think about you and want to please you.

 

You are going to have to fight this. You will have to learn acceptance because this is a part of life that you have no control over.

 

Never, ever, ever, ever give her sh*t about it either. you don't want to be that guy.

 

*You don't want to make her think about her past lovers. You want her to focus on you and making you happy. Do you really want her past lovers on her mind because you bring it up?

Edited October 31, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

And remember, this is your problem, not hers. Do not drag her into this with you. Talk to a professional therapist until this doesn't bother you anymore.

 

Believe me, when you get more notches on your belt, you'll realize how unimportant someones past lovers are.

 

I acted crazy... scary crazy sometimes. So I know you can reverse this feeling. It will have to click in you that this is so not an important thing to you.

 

Right now you feel it as a threat to your happiness. It's not and you might need to keep repeating that until you can at least understand that it could be true.

Edited October 31, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[GunsNRoses]

I guess one of the biggest reasons for this jealousy is that she's had a past and I haven't. Maybe.

 

But then there ARE times when she ruins a moment.

For eg. she once told me of a dream she had with me and that she felt very safe in it just because I was there in it as well. I was obviously beyond happy. When I asked her what does it mean, she said: "the best way I can describe it is that it is something that I'd feel about bf1."

 

And that was it...the one good thing that made ME feel special for a change was ruined. And these moments don't come often. Maybe 2-3 times till now.

Sometimes I feel like I am being compared to her #1 again and again. If I am mean to her (and I can be really mean) she'd say you're acting like #1 or even #1 wouldn't do this.

When you read the above it sounds worse than it is, because she's only done that 3 times. However, those 3 times are enough to piss me off. I feel like I am always being compared to her past bfs. Not cool. And my ego comes in the way to really sit down and tell her these things.

 

Sorry for the whining. It is a mysterious thing, a relationship.

What do?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Mind if I ask how old you both are? I'm assuming you are both young still. There are life lessons yet to be learned. You can try to get a grasp on the concept and quicken the lesson.

 

Realize that this is something that you must do if you are ever to have a healthy relationship with someone.

 

Mentioning her ex can either be a sign of immaturity and ignorance, or she's toying with you because she's heartless. That's for you to figure out.

 

If it's immaturity and ignorance, you have to figure out how you are going to forgive her. We make stupid mistakes sometimes, all of us. It's not worth it to punish or hold resentment towards someone who just made a poor choice.

[jphcbpa]

why do you do this to yourself?

 

focus on the good things, focus on what you want.

 

the past is gone and what is done is done. live life in the present.

 

stop asking her questions and start asking yourself questions like why do you feel this way? what are you afraid of? ect. get to the core of what is going on inside of you.

[road]

It is not needed to know about a girls past 99% of the time.

 

There are things that are a deal breaker for some, porn star, topless dancer, sex worker, she did half of her high school, did the whole high school because she is bi, she is bi. She is 18 and did at least 18 guys.

 

Though asking about all her past boyfriends and what they did is a MYOB.

 

It is curious to want to exchange each other's partner numbers. Though once you hear it. You leave it alone or you dump her if her number makes you uncomfortable. There is to be no digging for more info.

 

She is with you now. How she treats you now is all that matters.

 

You can not accept a girls past then you move on. No amount of questioning or talking will help.

[crederer]

I've never outright asked but had some ex's just volunteer the info from time to time. I know they had past sex lives but some of the stuff really bothered me to hear, especially since it was unsolicited.

 

However, I tried my best not to let it bother me. I don't know how many times I've said "hey babe, that's the type of information I simply don't need to know" yet, 2 girls, I used to date would say something about it fairly regularly, despite my efforts to stop them from doing so.