BellaLuna Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 The MM I have been with has decided to leave his wife after I have him a " either I leave or you leave" ultimatum. Now here is my problem, how to properly make the transition from OW to girlfriend/wife? How to properly build a relationship from this? Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 He's actually leaving his wife? What happened? This is so rare!!! I 'd say still be "you" everything should slide into place..... <disclaimer> I am not one to judge, just advise and be supportive...so with that said......"I am very happy for you"! I hope it works out and that you live happily ever after........! Link to post Share on other sites
Dane1965 Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 I admire the fact that he has taken the step. that is a big step to take, of course depending what kind of relationship he has had with his now ex-wife. I like the fact that you are asking: "what now?" This will be a different time. You will instead of meeting once in a while see your man on a daily basis. Things will be different. For you and for him. I can only come with some suggestions/ideas if that is OK. 1. he could run into a guilt period. Regardless how much he stands behind his decision. this guilt feeling needs to be discussed and dealt with. It is usually one of the main risks for the new relationship based on a sort of dramatic decision making. If his ex wants him back, the guilt issue will be used. Support him in his decision, show understanding but also make clear that he has you now. When you see him, hopefully you will glow of happiness. Because this happiness is something he will truly feed on. 2. It seems that you somehow are surprised that he actually made the decision. Not many do and if there is true love then it is the correct decision. But , don't hope you mind me saying this, something you started with. Pushed him into the corner. Not that it is not reasonable, but you may wonder if he would have made this step without you giving an ultimatum. Just keep it in mind. Thats all. And perhaps discuss it with him. The point I'm trying to make is that in this transition phase it is important to see the views from all parties. Yours as well as his. Make sure that you are there for him, because you have now taking over the role his ex did. Last two points 3. You are not the same as his ex. When you have lived in a long relationship, you tend to get into certain routines. Daily routines. He will probably be used to certain things being done or talked about. Just be aware of that and perhaps setup some routines which he was used to. Not all though. because you are different. He should then at the same time do the same and adapt to you. This leads to my last points. perhaps the most important: 4. Living together. having some sort of an affair and then really move in with each other is a serious matter. Its a sort of reality check. It surprises everyone. And it is not an easy transition. And this period, in the beginning, can be quite challenging. the best advice is to do THINGS together..like shopping, get groceries, partying, talking a lot, go for walks together..etc etc..what ever you guys like to do... 5. Perhaps making love isn't the same as it used to be. And for many it is a setback. It is not exiting anymore. And perhaps very quickly goes into some routine. So what..that will get better... 6. Show some compassion of his ex. You do not want alienate the situation totally. But don't too much compassion or empathy. Just enough for you to respect the fact that he has been with someone else. 7. perhaps at times he will say her name instead of yours..don't feel bad or get angry. Its all part of that former routine. it will slowly go away.. hope that these are good advises. and I wish you the very best..after all, its xmas..:-)...if you believe in that..again, we all make our own experiences... Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Wow! Well, congrats! I can imagine you are a little scared to move into this new phase..Just be yourself, continue to strenghthen the bond that has held you together... gosh.. I guess the hard part is over... ? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Start dating. Move slow. Don't fall into a 'life' together as either way he's gonna grieve and go through some sadness that his marriage ended. And even then you don't know for sure how long he'll be around. I don't want to crush you, but keep your shield up because feelings of confusion can mess alot of hearts up badly. Remember it is a relationship- get to know eachother, ask questions and have fun. Just don't jump back into bed and continue life as you both knew it, because now it is different...And REAL. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Congratulations! You won... The Booby Prize ! Um, I think you'd better poke this guy's eyes out so he never sees another woman. He's already shown what he'll do if he thinks someone who is somehow better will come along. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 yea he left her for you....but what happens later along the road he meets somone else and leaves you for her?? Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 I agree with Nicole and Rtobie, you got the booby prize. How can you trust someone who cheated on his wife? How can you respect someone who cheated on his wife? He already showed you what kind of a man he is. What makes you think that he will be faithful and honest with you when he couldn't be with his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 When I went through this I could not deal with the guilt and I had to leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 The guilt of what you had done? how long were you together if you dont mind me asking? Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 We have known each other since we were smaller and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for about a while then I broke up with him for a stupid reason....anyways, when he was married he looked for me and we were seeing each other for about 6 months until he left his W. He did not go back with her after I broke things up, he assured me that itt was bound to happen either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellastella Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 So...he agrees that we should not move right into together, but date for a while and then move in when the time is right. He has always been quite honest with me, and has never until this point told me that he was going to leave. I think he had to come to the point himself. I know he has a lot of guilt, he is a very loving and kind individual who wants everything to be ok for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
2Confuzed Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 I say congratulations as well; however, it kind of bothers me with the terms under which he is leaving her. He is only leaving because you gave him an ultimatum? I don't think this is good. I have always made it known that I want my MM to leave because HE wants to, not because I want him to. I think that is very important because you will always harbor feelings of possibly pushing him into doing something he didn't want to do or wasn't ready to do. Just beware, he may throw this in your face later. If things aren't going right between you two, I wouldn't be surprised to hear him say, "I wasn't ready, you pushed me, it's all your fault." I don't know him personally so obviously I could be wrong, but I would definitely be concerned about that. You want him to be with you because he wants to and wasn't happy where he was, not because you forced him. I hope everything works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellaluna Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 He left because he wanted to, not because I made him. It took him a few weeks after I gave him the ultimatum, so it was really his descion. Link to post Share on other sites
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