Feeling, um, different?

[solostand]

So been in A with MM for one year. I am single OW. He is 64 I am 49.

 

At the end of September, MM had major surgery. I went to visit him in the hospital once.

 

Last week, he went missing for three days. Totally out of character - he phones twice a day at least. Cell phone turned off.

 

I remembered he said he felt sick the last time I spoke to him so on the third day I decided to check the hospital. He was there.

 

I went over and he was in bed with a full bowel blockage. The treatment for this is threading a tube down your nose into your stomach, and a suction pump pumps the contents of your stomach into a container attached to the wall. Not a pretty sight. He also had barf on his socks because he had been so sick on the way into the hospital.

 

So every day for the next three days I visited him faithfully. His wife was working. There was a lot of talk about bowel movements, because a bowel movement means the tube comes out. I called the nurse to empty his gross bile bag and got him ginger ale and ice. Tucked him in. Even kissed him on the lips despite the tube in his nostril which was kinda in the way!

 

 

Yesterday was THE day and I heard, ad nauseum, how much bowel movement was involved and how that tube came right out of his nose. He was released and I was the first person he called when he got home.

 

Now, I have heard it said that OW will not be so enamoured with their MM if they have to see them in situations like this. And I have to say, my feelings have changed a bit. I still adore him, but last night I was thinking of when we could have sex again next, and realized I DONT CARE. Not sure why I feel that way, maybe seeing him so vulnerable?

 

On the other hand, he used to say I wouldn't look after him when he's old and I think he learned the opposite is true.

[goodyblue]

Not sure why you would feel differently. My guy had a health scare and when he returned home from hospital I was all over him. My feelings were stronger even, because I could have lost him.

 

I'd just say, give yourself a little time to adjust to what's happened. It's tough to see those we love suffer, but the way you described it, sounds like you were just grossed out?

[solostand]

Not at all grossed out. I have had the exact same thing happen to me, with ng tube and all, several times.

 

Maybe just a movement past "lust" into "real love?" I was so happy to be there for him.

[KentuckyGent]

I guess the question I have is how much sex actually is going on anyway with someone that's approaching 70? hard for me to imagine "lusting" after a 64 year old woman (I'm 45).

[Goodbye]

I guess the question I have is how much sex actually is going on anyway with someone that's approaching 70? hard for me to imagine "lusting" after a 64 year old woman (I'm 45).

 

 

This may be more representative of the double standard re: again in men and women.

[JamesM]

On the other hand, he used to say I wouldn't look after him when he's old and I think he learned the opposite is true.

 

Maybe he IS right.

 

Your whole post talks about the disgusting parts of his time in the hospital. You hardly mention that you were worried you almost lost him....because you did. My father had a similar problem, and the doctors said that a day or two later without help and he would have died. I remember that bottle on the table, and to this day, I don't think I ever heard my mom (his one and only wife) mention all that you mentioned when talking about his stay. All she talked about is how she almost lost him and how close she felt in the hospital. They were both in their mid 40s at the time.

 

What I get from this post is that you now question your affair. You still love him, but you wonder why you don't feel differently. And I wonder if it is because you DID almost lose him and you are realizing his age and the possibility of death taking him away.

 

Perhaps your questions concerning your love from him are simply a way of avoiding your fears of losing him?

 

BTW, his wife was working, but how often did she visit him? How long have they been married? Does he feel differently towards her? (Some men in his situation return to their wives. Some choose their AP.)

[JamesM]

I guess the question I have is how much sex actually is going on anyway with someone that's approaching 70? hard for me to imagine "lusting" after a 64 year old woman (I'm 45).

 

I am 49, and I met someone who I haven't seen in awhile and is (guessing) early sixties. My response to her was how incredible she looked and yes, I could easily imagine having sex with her. In fact, I thought she looked better now than she looked ten years ago.

[threelaurels]

Now, I have heard it said that OW will not be so enamoured with their MM if they have to see them in situations like this. And I have to say, my feelings have changed a bit. I still adore him, but last night I was thinking of when we could have sex again next, and realized I DONT CARE. Not sure why I feel that way, maybe seeing him so vulnerable?

 

On the other hand, he used to say I wouldn't look after him when he's old and I think he learned the opposite is true.

 

While I respect the fact that you still love and care about him after seeing that, I'm not sure you would still feel the same way if you had to care for him every day. The older he gets, the less able he is going to be to do things on his own. My father was very sick for around 10 years, had to quit his job to go on disability, and, in the last few years, could barely get out of bed. My mother and I loved (and still love) him very much, but taking care of him was often difficult. It wears you down over time.

 

It does not sound as though your MM is healthy. The hard truth is that healthy people at his age often don't live another 20 years, and his chances are much slimmer than that if he had to have a major surgery at his age. I doubt he will leave his wife for you because leaving her means there is a chance he will die alone. He won't want to spend the last years of his life facing the anger of his children or risk having them cut contact with him.

[solostand]

I guess the question I have is how much sex actually is going on anyway with someone that's approaching 70? hard for me to imagine "lusting" after a 64 year old woman (I'm 45).

 

Two to three times a week, actually. He's a young 64.

[solostand]

Maybe he IS right.

 

Your whole post talks about the disgusting parts of his time in the hospital. You hardly mention that you were worried you almost lost him....because you did. My father had a similar problem, and the doctors said that a day or two later without help and he would have died. I remember that bottle on the table, and to this day, I don't think I ever heard my mom (his one and only wife) mention all that you mentioned when talking about his stay. All she talked about is how she almost lost him and how close she felt in the hospital. They were both in their mid 40s at the time.

 

What I get from this post is that you now question your affair. You still love him, but you wonder why you don't feel differently. And I wonder if it is because you DID almost lose him and you are realizing his age and the possibility of death taking him away.

 

Perhaps your questions concerning your love from him are simply a way of avoiding your fears of losing him?

 

BTW, his wife was working, but how often did she visit him? How long have they been married? Does he feel differently towards her? (Some men in his situation return to their wives. Some choose their AP.)

 

No, I only mentioned the disgusting part of it because I guess I wanted to prove (to who?) that I didn't care how disgusting it was. And I wasn't worried about losing him because I myself have had full bowel blockages at least seveen times, beginning in my 30's. Both mine and his were caused by scar tissue from previous surgeries. So I was able to reassure him that this would more than likely clear on its own with the help of the tube.

 

His wife didn't visit very often at all. And she didn't have to work, she's retired, but took work that was offered her.

 

His previous surgery was on his shoulder and what you would call "elective surgery" and not a threat to his health.

[JamesM]

I just spent the better part of a half hour reading your other threads. I think I know you better.

 

You seem to flip flop in your feelings for him. I do think you love him deeply. I still wonder why you stay with him, when I think he keeps you in a certain place of his life and will never let you in all of it. His wife is his rock and oddly enough emotional security. He must provide something for her besides money. You are his confidant and secret friend that he can unburden his deepest vulnerabilities. Yet she is the one he will always turn to for reassurance for his problems. You may say everything will be okay, but until she says it, it isn't true.

 

I don't think it has ever been about sex. This has always been about how he makes you feel emotionally. SO to lose sex with him isn't as much of a problem as losing him emotionally. He came at a time in your life when you were struggling with alcohol. He and you worked at this together. He was your support and you his. Together you made it through. That bond created a relationship that went beyond sex. For him, it is also more than sex. It perhaps started as a sexual attraction (as he has had more than ONS), but you fill a role that his wife cannot. He cannot tell her his feelings and struggles as easily as he can you.

[lace5262]

No, I only mentioned the disgusting part of it because I guess I wanted to prove (to who?) that I didn't care how disgusting it was.

 

 

 

 

Smh .. pathetic. I can't imagine trying to "prove" how real a 'relationship' is by how disgusting our bodies are:eek:

[JamesM]

Smh .. pathetic. I can't imagine trying to "prove" how real a 'relationship' is by how disgusting our bodies are:eek:

 

I took it to mean that she wanted to show how real her love was to him. It was not to prove it was real, but it was an act that showed him how deep her love for him was.

[solostand]

I just spent the better part of a half hour reading your other threads. I think I know you better.

 

You seem to flip flop in your feelings for him. I do think you love him deeply. I still wonder why you stay with him, when I think he keeps you in a certain place of his life and will never let you in all of it. His wife is his rock and oddly enough emotional security. He must provide something for her besides money. You are his confidant and secret friend that he can unburden his deepest vulnerabilities. Yet she is the one he will always turn to for reassurance for his problems. You may say everything will be okay, but until she says it, it isn't true.

 

I don't think it has ever been about sex. This has always been about how he makes you feel emotionally. SO to lose sex with him isn't as much of a problem as losing him emotionally. He came at a time in your life when you were struggling with alcohol. He and you worked at this together. He was your support and you his. Together you made it through. That bond created a relationship that went beyond sex. For him, it is also more than sex. It perhaps started as a sexual attraction (as he has had more than ONS), but you fill a role that his wife cannot. He cannot tell her his feelings and struggles as easily as he can you.

 

Much of what you say here is correct. His wife is a "mommy" figure (she even counts the pills in his prescription bill bottles] and she keeps things smooth at home.

I am the best friend and confidant, cheerleader and ego booster. Also thrilling and partner in crime (not real crime), entertaining and fun.

 

I also do believe he loves me deeply.

[Speakingofwhich]

I guess the question I have is how much sex actually is going on anyway with someone that's approaching 70? hard for me to imagine "lusting" after a 64 year old woman (I'm 45).

 

KG, There's a 63 year-old-woman I'm friends with who is often pursued by attractive men in their forties! Of course, they prob don't realize her age. Here's the funny thing about it. She's not interested in dating them. Likes men her own age.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Much of what you say here is correct. His wife is a "mommy" figure (she even counts the pills in his prescription bill bottles] and she keeps things smooth at home.

I am the best friend and confidant, cheerleader and ego booster. Also thrilling and partner in crime (not real crime), entertaining and fun.

 

I also do believe he loves me deeply.

This whole post has way TMI....

 

And he can't love you too much... he's still at home with his wife.

[solostand]

So he gets two women to be meet any need he could possibly have. Isnt he lucky?

/QUOTE]

 

He is lucky, and he knows it. But I also get many of my needs met through this relationship, believe it or not. He is there for me at the drop of a hat if I need him, we are best friends, and have intimacy. We have fun, laugh, and support each other.

 

Also, I have realized through two failed marriages that I am an emotionally detached person. I feel smothered by a man hanging around 24 hours a day. I even find it annoying to sleep with them because they invariably want to cuddle and I don't.

 

I LOVE the freedom to do what I want when I want without worrying about someone else's needs. I am single because I like being single, I find dating relationships cloying. This is probably a FOO problem but it had been a severe problem in my two marriages.

[threelaurels]

Solostand, I'm curious if you considered the possibility that you visiting him in the hospital everyday for three weeks might have caused a d-day. Does his W know you visited at all? I just have a vision in my head of some nurse walking in when his W was there and saying something like "Oh, you're not the woman who was here earlier!" and accidentally triggering the unveiling of the A.

[solostand]

Yeah I considered it. I also feared her turning up at any moment. But he felt very secure that she would not and seemed to really want me there, and as for the nurses, I thought of that too but I figured he had an explanation ready if it came up.

 

I did mention my fear of her turning up unannounced to him and he said he would certainly have a lot of explaining to do. Then he said close the curtain and give me a kiss.