My Ex and My New Boyfriend Have Made Plans for the Weekend with Me --- What Do I Do?

[chadenmar]

My ex wants me back and I have been dating someone new now for 8 months. What do I do?

 

He left me three times in the past but always came back after a couple of days. The fourth time he left and we divorced. Each time he left after not speaking with me for while and I would later find out that a former mistress of his was at the root. The last time was no different. We were married 5 years; they have been on and off again for 20 years. I did not know about her until after we were married.

 

He tells me that she is the devil and is no longer in his life. They only talk occassionally when she is depressed. Of course, he says that she is the one initiating the call. He has a reputation for lying but most believe him because he is a police officer. He says that he goes to church every Sunday, which he does. He tells me I can check his cell phone bill to see if they are still talking. Of course, this only says whether he is calling her from his cell or not. I found out the last time that he was using his mother's house to make the calls so they would not show up on the cell. He is trying really hard. He had a dozen roses sent to my office, he bought me a diamond heart necklace, we went out to dinner. We spent a weekend together (no sex) and went to the ocean. Things we never did in the past. Also, financially, having him in my life would make it a lot easier, if he has truly turned around. The only reason why I am talking with him is that he lost his mother in May. He loved her dearly.

 

As for my current boyfriend, I am begin to have reservations about him. He is a nice person, shy, and quiet but I believe he is an alcoholic. I say this not because I have ever seen him drunk or drink excessively but because what he has told me. He loves to go to the clubs at least weekly, sometimes a couple of times a week. He takes a few drinks at home before he DRIVES to the club. Then he drinks until he is drunk with his friends, have breakfast, then drives home under the influence. This bothers me because I do not drink and do not link to hang around people that drink excessively. Second, I am concerned about my 13 year old who wants to get to know my BF more but my BF seems to decline our invitations to join us.We do have dinner together every other Sunday. His excuse is that I need to spend time alone with my son. My son is gone every other weekend, so that time we spend together. Third, my BF is cheap. Whenever we go out we go dutch. Lately, Dutch has meant that I pay for my dinner, and both of our taxes and tip unless we are at a club where he will buy one round of drinks. Please keep in mind that we get in free because he is with the Fire Department, however there have been times when I have had to pay for myself. Fourth, he has never told me he loves me with his voice. He has mentioned it in emails (three times) and once on my birthday card. Emotionally, he is just not there. Fifth, he has a routine and stays with it. Dinner at 5:00 p.m. everyday. If I cannot make it, he will wait up to 30 minutes then eat without me. Lately, I have been staying later a work just to have an excuse not to join him. He also appears to be a hypercondriac, that is, when he sneezes he feels he must be coming down with the flu. Financially, he is in good shape because he does not spend his money. His home and vehicles are paid for. He has been with the same employer all his life.

 

This is not say that my ex had a good relationship with my son. He was mean to him. He never did anything with us. Now he wants to take family outings. We did this when we were dating before we married and it suddenly stopped after we married. He wants desparately to be a part of my family life now. He says his world is incomplete without me. I know I should let go of the past, but I just don't trust him even though I care?

 

I guess my biggest delima is how do I tell new boyfriend goodbye or is it that I am being too harse because of my ex? Second, should I give my ex another try?

 

Believe it or not, I am confused. Neither knows about the other (that is that I am talking to them both). This weekend they have both made plans to spend time with me.

 

What do I do?

[SoleMate]

Well, let's summarize

 

EX

--

* History of cheating

* Liar, deceiver

* Trying to buy you with gifts

* Financially well $ituated

* History of cruelty to your son

* Manipulator

 

 

BF

--

* Alcohol problem

* Cheap, ungenerous

* Emotionally unexpressive

* Stuck in a routine

* Hypochondriac

* Financially well $ituated and responsible

* Appears reluctant to develop a relationship with your son

 

 

Based on your own report, the EX is a definite loser. As in, I advise you to lose him. This is such an easy decision I won't spend any more time on it.

 

As far as your BF goes, he has several "problems". However, some of the problems are just personal quirks. Some people have very routine mealtimes. For you, rigidity of the timing of meals appears to be a problem. If it's important to you to have a BF who is flexible about mealtimes, generous on a daily basis, and not overly concerned with his own health, then your current BF would not be the one. However, with the exception of the problem with alcohol, everything else is just a matter of personal taste. No doubt some women would be happy to have someone like him. The question is: Are you looking for a meal ticket, or a true love?

 

And most of all...do you understand what the word "LOVE" means? It shouldn't mean, "I enjoy the benefits of being with you".

[chadenmar]

You have summarized it nicely.

 

How do I get the nerve to tell my ex goodbye?

 

I don't know how to break the news to him?

[head/heels]

she told it like i see it...the ex is definitely not allowed near you if you ever want to be happy!

 

as for the bf..if he is an alcoholic, and if he doesnt show affection or lacks interest in you, and wont start a relationship with your son..... then he should go too....life is too short to settle for someone who isnt going to make a commitment to you and your family....tell him to grow up as clubs and alcohol are for teenyboppers and old horndogs who are too scared to ever really love anyone...

 

be careful and do what your head tells you as i have found that the heart can lead you astray..

 

ngiht

[moon]

Patterns, pattern, patterns........That second guy (new boyfriend) definately should go...........do you see a pattern??? You like loser guys! Why is this? I do the same thing sometimes (well once) and it sucks but you have to look in the mirror and tell yourself :

 

"I am attracted to loser men." This is the first stage in your healing. The first guy cheated (repeatedly) the second guy is a drunk and doesn't even want to know your child. Now why do you want either one of them? Why, Why, Why ????

 

Okay, I can say this easily now because I am single after a break up two months ago with a borderline human myself. But if I walked into the next relationship with a loser again----I'd know what I was getting myself into. Too much energy is needed to put into a bad relationship with a dysfunctional human.

 

I think you should do this: Tell new boyfriend you're done. Tell him he needs to get his act together and seek out an AA program-- BUT AA says you can't be in a relationship for one year after recovery, so tell him to take his time because you won't see him between those times (I used to date a boozer myself---they are total trouble). These types of people have major trouble keeping jobs, keeping promises, staying faithful or being anything that you want in a man. He needs help. Stop being such a co-dependent here. I say that as I say it to myself everyday as I get over my ex. His problems are not my problems to fix.

 

Your ex husband sounds so troubled. So troubled. He could be a sex addict. Sleeping around as he did, cheating but can't leave you alone. Level with your ex husband. Give him a laundry list of his problems. Tell him that you won't be his co-dependent ex anymore. Tell him you've got better things to do. Tell him HE needs to get help. Tell him that he's cheated in the past and you know he'll do it again. You know this. You know in your heart he will. Tell him to get into therapy.

 

Then get yourself some help. Get a shrink....talk out your problems. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in your life but you are attracting low lifes. No good. Expect better!!!

 

I say that to you and I say that to myself as well. I think relationships shouldn't be so much work. Who needs people cheating all the time and people not disiplined enough not to be a heavy drinker (I know it's a disease......but there's help). Good for you for not being a drinker. You sound better than these men!

 

Good luck. And read the book "Women Who Love Too Much." Do it for your son if not for yourself.

[chadenmar]

Everyone,

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

 

Today I refused all calls from my ex because I know deep down that he will cheat again, probably with the same person. I do not trust him as much as I want to. I figure I will do this until I get the nerve to tell him directly. As for the new BF, this one is actually harder. Dispite his drinking beng once every week or two, he has a stable job and has been on it for over 25 years. He is shy. I enjoyed going to the club a couple of times with him, but not all the time. I have the same perception of men who hang out in the clubs all the time -- horndogs and kids. I think the gap in education is a contributor - He just started on his B.S. (hurray) and I am 1.5 years away from Ph.D. I have book sense but lack a good foundation in the love department. I would agree with you that I am enabler.

 

So how do you find "good" men?

[moon]

Good for you for not calling your ex. The new boyfriend.........well if he's hanging out in bars a lot you know what that means at some point....picking up other women. Are you worried the second guy will also become a cheater?

Sorry, I've just been there and done that. It is a massive headache.

 

Good for you for getting your PhD....you sound like the smart one, the men not so smart. Good luck getting rid of both guys (remember the second guy still doesn't want to know your son and is a drinker). But I'll go back to minding my own business. Good luck.

[chadenmar]

Well,

Two days not accepting calls from my ex.

 

The bar scene is a major turnoff as well as the drinking and more importantly the relationship with my son. All three of us went to dinner last night, and my son did most of the talking. I have decided to keep my options open but will give it a little more time before I cut the string.

 

This is hard.

 

Thanks for all of your advice. It gives me the encouragement I need to make the right choices.

[theone44]

Originally posted by chadenmar

My ex wants me back and I have been dating someone new now for 8 months. What do I do?

 

He left me three times in the past but always came back after a couple of days. The fourth time he left and we divorced. Each time he left after not speaking with me for while and I would later find out that a former mistress of his was at the root. The last time was no different. We were married 5 years; they have been on and off again for 20 years. I did not know about her until after we were married.

 

He tells me that she is the devil and is no longer in his life. They only talk occassionally when she is depressed. Of course, he says that she is the one initiating the call. He has a reputation for lying but most believe him because he is a police officer. He says that he goes to church every Sunday, which he does. He tells me I can check his cell phone bill to see if they are still talking. Of course, this only says whether he is calling her from his cell or not. I found out the last time that he was using his mother's house to make the calls so they would not show up on the cell. He is trying really hard. He had a dozen roses sent to my office, he bought me a diamond heart necklace, we went out to dinner. We spent a weekend together (no sex) and went to the ocean. Things we never did in the past. Also, financially, having him in my life would make it a lot easier, if he has truly turned around. The only reason why I am talking with him is that he lost his mother in May. He loved her dearly.

 

As for my current boyfriend, I am begin to have reservations about him. He is a nice person, shy, and quiet but I believe he is an alcoholic. I say this not because I have ever seen him drunk or drink excessively but because what he has told me. He loves to go to the clubs at least weekly, sometimes a couple of times a week. He takes a few drinks at home before he DRIVES to the club. Then he drinks until he is drunk with his friends, have breakfast, then drives home under the influence. This bothers me because I do not drink and do not link to hang around people that drink excessively. Second, I am concerned about my 13 year old who wants to get to know my BF more but my BF seems to decline our invitations to join us.We do have dinner together every other Sunday. His excuse is that I need to spend time alone with my son. My son is gone every other weekend, so that time we spend together. Third, my BF is cheap. Whenever we go out we go dutch. Lately, Dutch has meant that I pay for my dinner, and both of our taxes and tip unless we are at a club where he will buy one round of drinks. Please keep in mind that we get in free because he is with the Fire Department, however there have been times when I have had to pay for myself. Fourth, he has never told me he loves me with his voice. He has mentioned it in emails (three times) and once on my birthday card. Emotionally, he is just not there. Fifth, he has a routine and stays with it. Dinner at 5:00 p.m. everyday. If I cannot make it, he will wait up to 30 minutes then eat without me. Lately, I have been staying later a work just to have an excuse not to join him. He also appears to be a hypercondriac, that is, when he sneezes he feels he must be coming down with the flu. Financially, he is in good shape because he does not spend his money. His home and vehicles are paid for. He has been with the same employer all his life.

 

This is not say that my ex had a good relationship with my son. He was mean to him. He never did anything with us. Now he wants to take family outings. We did this when we were dating before we married and it suddenly stopped after we married. He wants desparately to be a part of my family life now. He says his world is incomplete without me. I know I should let go of the past, but I just don't trust him even though I care?

 

I guess my biggest delima is how do I tell new boyfriend goodbye or is it that I am being too harse because of my ex? Second, should I give my ex another try?

 

Believe it or not, I am confused. Neither knows about the other (that is that I am talking to them both). This weekend they have both made plans to spend time with me.

 

What do I do?

 

 

 

 

5-5 equal 0 ,so go and get yourself a hero...