When us, OW, forget who we really are

[Effy149]

This is exactly what I needed to read right now. I've been walking on eggshells for this guy who has been treating me terribly. I have a right to be upset with him for how he's been treating me and I need to accept that he never cared about me like I cared about him.

[chir]

Wannabdone.. you really describe to the pains, the thoughts the heart to a T.

 

One of the reason I kept holding on to my eMM is because I knew he do love me.

All my friends kept telling me he dont.But I know he did.Thats is why I keep holding on to it

Because I feel my friends get it all wrong. They dont understand.

 

But you do. While these MM do love us. The wanting to stay is more than wanting to go

Even when we left, they are still choosing to stay.even when it hurts them, they are still choosing to stay. How great it is...even more than their love for us.

 

Everyday of silence from him is a rejection to me still, it hurts..but yes you are absolutely right. The highs of being with him and yet not having him. To have but not to hold is just

So damaging to your whole being... to feel 2nd best..to feel you are not good enough..it scares me even thinking about it now. The darkest place I had been in my life and yet the stolen happiness is so real. The love so real..

 

It does empower me now. To protect myself, to never get involved with mm or attached man.. because there is never a need to be the 2nd best when you are the best.

Even being alone is better than to be the 2nd best.

[UpwardForward]

 

It still makes no sense to me in regards to your statement about someone's reaction and the impact on others. And I again have no idea what that has to do with the price of tea in China.

 

I agree with this post but I don't understand how this is what your first post was saying. Thank you for the clarification as I was not following.

 

Relationships are definitely hard when both people are not on the same page. I am not sure if I would use the adjective of "frivolous". Kind of insulting don't you think?

 

My first post was that of describing the R characteristics. And yes, I meant frivolous.

 

In a committed R, the two should be of the same accord, appreciation, etc.

Edited November 5, 2013 by UpwardForward

[C00kie]

Update - so, yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist and it was the worst idea ever - I mean, not the idea itself, but I definetely chose the wrong person. I'm not giving up tough, I'll get better in time even if I didn't get it right this time.

 

A bit of context - I have a friend (we haven't really talked properly in years, but we were childhood friends and I know she's trustable) who is a psychiatrist so it seemed natural for me to try and speak to her. At first I thought maybe she wasn't the right person because I would feel more at ease with someone who didn't know me, but I was/am so down that I honestly thought that I had to take a step and talking to her seemed easier than making an appiontment and waiting for weeks (I'm talking public hospital here, therefore the waiting). So hopefully she'd be someone nice to talk to and give me advice or maybe get me an appintment with someone else in case she found more appropriate. I had to start somewhere.

 

The thing is, I did not like the way she talked to me. NOT the things she said, but the way she talked. She was tough, not very understanding, had her mind made up from the beginning...in fact, I think she even rolled her eyes over a couple of times. I felt so stupid and small, as if she was telling me the obvious and I couldn't see it. She then said "well, now I'm talking as a friend and not a psychiatrist, cause as a psychiatrist I can't judge" , and I thought - well, if I wanted a friend we'd be chatting in the mall, not in the hospital, and told me stuff like "wake up and smell the coffee", "if I were you I'd dump him and send him to hell right away", "oh no, don't get me wrong, I think he loves you, but I doubt he'll do anything", "this will never work", etc etc etc. Then (the only good part, but I didn't need her to tell me that) she told me to stop checking my fb every 5 minutes, to get a hobbie and prescribed some pills which I can take in case I can't really sleep or feel very anxious.

 

My thoughts: I left the hospital feeling worse than before. I wasn't happy at the things she said, so I found myself thinking that maybe I was in denial and don't want to face the truth. But then I realised that's not it. I have thought things over a million times and I also think that MAYBE he won't go through it all. In fact, if you read my posts you'll realise I'm not in denial. But there are ways of saying things, one that doesn't make the person (me) feel like a lost case, dumb and unable to see what's right in front of her eyes.

 

I suppose it's hard to find someone who can look at everything in a non-judgemental way and really provide some effective help. But I won't stop looking. I'm not sticking to someone who makes me feel even worse, although her intentions may have been the best. I deserve to be understood for what I feel, I don't deserve looks of pity and tough speeches as if I needed to be taught a lesson.

[cocorico]

Update - so, yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist and it was the worst idea ever - I mean, not the idea itself, but I definetely chose the wrong person. I'm not giving up tough, I'll get better in time even if I didn't get it right this time.

 

A bit of context - I have a friend (we haven't really talked properly in years, but we were childhood friends and I know she's trustable) who is a psychiatrist so it seemed natural for me to try and speak to her. At first I thought maybe she wasn't the right person because I would feel more at ease with someone who didn't know me, but I was/am so down that I honestly thought that I had to take a step and talking to her seemed easier than making an appiontment and waiting for weeks (I'm talking public hospital here, therefore the waiting). So hopefully she'd be someone nice to talk to and give me advice or maybe get me an appintment with someone else in case she found more appropriate. I had to start somewhere.

 

The thing is, I did not like the way she talked to me. NOT the things she said, but the way she talked. She was tough, not very understanding, had her mind made up from the beginning...in fact, I think she even rolled her eyes over a couple of times. I felt so stupid and small, as if she was telling me the obvious and I couldn't see it. She then said "well, now I'm talking as a friend and not a psychiatrist, cause as a psychiatrist I can't judge" , and I thought - well, if I wanted a friend we'd be chatting in the mall, not in the hospital, and told me stuff like "wake up and smell the coffee", "if I were you I'd dump him and send him to hell right away", "oh no, don't get me wrong, I think he loves you, but I doubt he'll do anything", "this will never work", etc etc etc. Then (the only good part, but I didn't need her to tell me that) she told me to stop checking my fb every 5 minutes, to get a hobbie and prescribed some pills which I can take in case I can't really sleep or feel very anxious.

 

My thoughts: I left the hospital feeling worse than before. I wasn't happy at the things she said, so I found myself thinking that maybe I was in denial and don't want to face the truth. But then I realised that's not it. I have thought things over a million times and I also think that MAYBE he won't go through it all. In fact, if you read my posts you'll realise I'm not in denial. But there are ways of saying things, one that doesn't make the person (me) feel like a lost case, dumb and unable to see what's right in front of her eyes.

 

I suppose it's hard to find someone who can look at everything in a non-judgemental way and really provide some effective help. But I won't stop looking. I'm not sticking to someone who makes me feel even worse, although her intentions may have been the best. I deserve to be understood for what I feel, I don't deserve looks of pity and tough speeches as if I needed to be taught a lesson.

 

C00kie, I think what happened between you was a classic misunderstanding of intent. She saw herself advising you as a friend, not as a professional; you wanted her professional input. With hindsight it's easy to say that should have been clarified at the outset, but it's clarified for you that what you need is someone with professional distance and objectivity, so that you don't feel demeaned or shamed.

 

I hope you find someone like that soon. (((Hugs)))

[C00kie]

I hear you cocorico, but still, even as a friend I think she should have approached the issue in a more sensitive way. I would have.

[GettingOver]

I hear you cocorico, but still, even as a friend I think she should have approached the issue in a more sensitive way. I would have.

 

I agree. I think that noone should judge in the first place, especially when there's no similar experience to share. And you came there for support, not for the "eye opening" thing. So even as a friend, she should not have spoken like that.

I am sure it will figure itself out for you either way - either he will sort himself out, or you will get sick of him/his behavior/lack of attention.

I personally am getting sick of words not matching the actions - in small things at the moment. Now that I am in the same city I can get to know him better and chances are it will be a true eye opener. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent/support, etc!!!

[Got it]

I agree with C. You do not want a friend as your therapist and vice versa. Find a separate therapist who can do their job without blurred lines on either end.

 

You sometimes need to shop around for a therapist, go in asking questions as not everyone is the right fit.

[C00kie]

Another thing - i the middle of our conversation I said "I have a feeling that"...and she stopped me right there. She said "a feeling? oh please. that don't exist".

 

I was like...what?

 

Well...we may even be mistaken in our gut feeling, but feelings do exist and yes, having a feeling, and understadning that feeling...does matter, in my book. It's not all about rationalising and even if it was, understanding what you feel and what triggers it is very important.

[C00kie]

I agree. I think that noone should judge in the first place, especially when there's no similar experience to share. And you came there for support, not for the "eye opening" thing. So even as a friend, she should not have spoken like that.

I am sure it will figure itself out for you either way - either he will sort himself out, or you will get sick of him/his behavior/lack of attention.

I personally am getting sick of words not matching the actions - in small things at the moment. Now that I am in the same city I can get to know him better and chances are it will be a true eye opener. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent/support, etc!!!

 

Thanks so much!! You too, feel free to PM me if you want/need to

[wannabdone]

Cookie, finding the right therapist is very much like choosing the right friends. You have to find one that you feel comfortable with, and has the style of therapy that suits you. Therapist generally have two different techniques: they will either be the advising type, or the listening type. And of course depending on each of their own personalities, their therapy style will shift with that.

 

So, my suggestion is to keep trying different ones out. And when you do go in for the first visit, you don't have to give up too much information, just maybe 20,000 ft overview of the situation, then ask them questions. This is you interviewing them for their services. Ask them what time of services they have provided in the past? Family, individual, drug, etc. Then ask them what their type of therapy that the use is, do they advise or listen, etc. After you ask the questions you need to know and share with them a bit of your situation, you will quickly learn if that is the person or if you should move on and keep looking.

 

Don't get down because of one bad trip to the therapist. Just like when you go out on a date with someone that you were excited about, and then found yourself quickly disappointed, same goes here.

 

Keep up the good work, and working and worrying about YOU!!!!

[Star4223]

I have been seeing my MM for 9 months. I has been filled with so many ups and downs I feel like i am on a ride. I am so full of hurt, insecurity, argryness and desparition and I dont know where to turn because even my and his few friends that know about us still don't understand just how I feel right now.

 

We like so many others on here did not start out thinking thing would be like this. We were friends from High School and because friends again. We just talked on FB and had many mutual friends and it just became a special friendship as we were just drawn to each other. We became intimate and very much a relationship just like any other. We have dinner together, go grocery shopping, I know some of his family as he knows some of mine. He also stay with me a couples of nights a week. Of course the difference is that he is married and has been for many years. I saw a post on here that sums it up. Even if he loves me and does not have a loving relationship or doesnt love his wife, he still loves his life and EVERYTHING else in it more than he loves me and I feel he will not ever give up his Farm, House, all the Toys he has and him being from the country he is surrounded by his family as well.

 

I am so exhausted of being in limbo and having no control of my relationship. I have relied on him like a drug to determine how my day was gonna be. Waiting to see if he was coming in town and staying with me, waiting for a phone call to see where he was, a facebook message to let me know he was thinking about me like I was him, ect...

 

So this past weekend his Wife found out about his Facebook Page from he co worker and saw that he didnt have her or any of their mutual friends or family on it and demanded he de-activate it and has also been monitoring his text message and phone calls. I found that out from a mutual friend that text him and he replies to please not send him any messages or texts, that friend also text him on Monday night and asked what was going on and got a reply back "Who the F**k is This?" so naturally I have not contacted him. At this point he has not contacted me either and I am heart Broken. I have so many questions going through my mind that I dont know where to turn, Like ... Has he erased all his friends off his phone and does not remember my phone number (i could not remember his my heart either since I just punch in his name and calls). Has he not went to work? (he is a truck driver) or Does he want to end it with me and just doesnt want to call and offer me and explaination? I feel so devistated because I know we share so much together, we are more than just lovers, he is my best friends and we share everything.

 

This just makes me feel so worthless. I feel I am deserving of some kind of explaiation. This relationship is just as real as any other in my heart and the not knowing what is going on is truely killing me!! I know he must know how I am feeling right now because we communicate EVERY day!!!

 

Somebody that has been through this please help me. Tell me what I can do???

[experiencethedevine]

Ah, us woman, us OW always wondering if maybe we're not being understanding enough; walking on eggshells so that we don't ruin things (even when they're kind of ruined to begin with); trying to see things from his point of view, offering to help unconditionally, settling for less than we deserve hoping someday it will change, going through some really agonising moments, the overthinking, and so on.

 

Now, I'm not here to talk about affairs, whether they're right or wrong. I believe some will work, some won't, pretty much like everything else in life. But even when it works, even when the OW becomes the one and only, she doesn't get there without a few scars and bruises and that's what I want to talk about.

 

My MM is not a bad person (what is a bad person anyway? someone who kills people? or the MM's unconsiderate behaviour towards the wife or the other woman would fit in that category as well?) - but takes me for granted. My fault entirely. I always wanted to be the best for him, to do my best for him, and I believe it comes out naturally when you really love someone.

 

So, I put myself in situations where we're chatting and suddenly he says "gotta go", or I don't hear from him in 2 days, when she's home for instance, or even when he travels alone business related. He then may say things like "sorry about that", briefly, or act like nothing happened, or (the worst for me): "well, I thought about sending you an sms, but it was so late I thought you'd be asleep". Really? Well. What a pathetic excuse. Why didn't you send it the morning after, then? I mean, you can go take a sh** in the bathroom and send an sms. Takes 15 seconds. You don't do it because you don't want it, period.

 

The reason he doesn't do it is not because he's crazy in love with his wife and wants to spend every little moment with her. Is not because he's afraid of her finding out (he knows I don't call when he's with her except if it was a huge emergency). Is not because he forgot about me. It's simply because he's relaxes. He knows I'm there and won't go out of his way because he doesn't have to. He's selfish, or has selfish traits like most MM have.

 

Besides, these men have very poor perception of what a relationship is supposed to be like, or what it really is like to respect someone and be commited. Trying to make him see sense, sometimes, may push him even further away, so you try to avoid arguments because you don't want to lose him. You get to a point where your whole world revolves around him; you depend on him like a drug. A simple sms from him will brighten up your day and the lack of communication will throw you in bed for the whole day and cause loss of appetite. Sad.

 

I was never the type to avoid arguments, I always speak my mind; but now I do avoid arguments. And I don't know if it's the fear of losing him anymore. It's because I want peace. It's because I realise I've done all I could and nothing I keep saying will change things unless he really wants to. And if he is or was a coward, an ass, then he's in the wrong not you. Don't replay the hows and whys.

 

I may take now a step back and see what happens. Heartbbreaking as it is, and it really is, I want to believe that if we're not meant to be...no matter how hard I try, we just won't be. You can fight for love, but you just have to know when to stop and put yourself first, just like he does, not out of revenge, but because you deserve to be happy.

 

When I say putting yourself first I don't mean being selfish. I mean you have the right not to be available all the time; you have the right not to wait for his calls and just turn off your phone and sleep; you have the right to have your time, your rest, your pleace, your plans, just like he does, You have the right to speak your mind without feeling guilty, because he does way worse and doesn't feel half as guilty as you do for something you don't even have to feel guilt about.

 

Sometimes I look back on my 30 years of life, think of the girl I was, the dreams I had, the things I've gone through and think to myself: don't let yourself forget about that. You can do so much better. Just be happy and don't be afraid to.

 

People who love you will stand by your side for who you are, not because you're forcing them, or wondering strategies to keep them around, or trying to be someone you're not, or giving up your well being and peace for them. You can do all that and still lose; in fact, you'll probably lose.

 

You can love him, but love yourselves too please. If it doesn't work out in the end...then it wouldn't have anyway.

 

Very prophetic, and likely to ring some truths to many. I do hope for a better future for you.

[Star4223]

Experience. I did read that post. Thank You

[Star4223]

It is the 6 day I have not heard from him. Not only me, but any of our friends. I am so hurt, broken, devastated, betrayed. I just feel so worthless and unloved. I don't feel like anyone understands how much pain I feel. I miss him so badly that it feels like i am bleeding to death. I can't eat, but thank god I can sleep, it my only escape from the pain I have. The thing is I know he must realize how I feel and that I think is the hardest part. I wake up in the middle of the night and lay there and wonder where he is? How could he hurt me so badly? As I am writing this even, I am fighting back the tears because I am at work and have to put on a happy face to clients. Everywhere I am I look for him, every Semi Truck that I see on the interstate I look for him. I feel like im so broken....

[C00kie]

Star, you're not alone...I feel like I'm bleeding to death too and we're not even over (yet?). I too have to put on a happy face to clients and also for my co-workers - can't stand them asking what's wrong...I just wanna go home, turn off the lights, and TRY to get some sleep...I haven't been getting any sleep...nightmares...feeling anxious....feeling deep disbelief and sadness over life...trying to understand everything, how could and can he do this and that. I wake up crying sometimes, I go to bed crying sometimes and just feel so sad, so disheartened.

Maybe part of this is not his fault....I am just so broken by the whole situation that I can't see the light anymore and also can't seem to leave, or know how to do it, it hurts SO much...

Tomorrow I'm gonna have my heart tested at the hospital (they detected arritmia which is probably due to stress only, nothing serious but need to rule that out), and I'm only 30....what am I doing to myself? Why can't I be stronger? I'm also sad he won't be there with me, and probably doesn't even remember...

I'm with you Star, my thoughts are on you. Please know you're not alone, let's fight this together?

 

Feel free to pm me...

 

All the best!

[Star4223]

Star, you're not alone...I feel like I'm bleeding to death too and we're not even over (yet?). I too have to put on a happy face to clients and also for my co-workers - can't stand them asking what's wrong...I just wanna go home, turn off the lights, and TRY to get some sleep...I haven't been getting any sleep...nightmares...feeling anxious....feeling deep disbelief and sadness over life...trying to understand everything, how could and can he do this and that. I wake up crying sometimes, I go to bed crying sometimes and just feel so sad, so disheartened.

Maybe part of this is not his fault....I am just so broken by the whole situation that I can't see the light anymore and also can't seem to leave, or know how to do it, it hurts SO much...

Tomorrow I'm gonna have my heart tested at the hospital (they detected arritmia which is probably due to stress only, nothing serious but need to rule that out), and I'm only 30....what am I doing to myself? Why can't I be stronger? I'm also sad he won't be there with me, and probably doesn't even remember...

I'm with you Star, my thoughts are on you. Please know you're not alone, let's fight this together?

 

Feel free to pm me...

 

All the best!

 

Cookie, How do I PM you on here?

[C00kie]

Cookie, How do I PM you on here?

 

I can't seem to PM you. You must have in your profile definitions that people are not allowed to send you private messages. Please change the definitions first and if you're able to, PM me - just click my nickname and where it says "contact info" you'll be able to contact me.

[Star4223]

I am not a established member to send you a message. Do you pay for a membership??

[C00kie]

No, you don't have to pay...I guess it depends on how long you've been here. I don't know if they let us exchange e-mails in this forum...affff, don't know what to do!!! HELP??

[Star4223]

I tried to send you my email but it didnt work. Ill try a different way. Paula pooh 4223 aye o ell

[Star4223]

Can you read it??

[C00kie]

I tried to send you my email but it didnt work. Ill try a different way. Paula pooh 4223 aye o ell

 

please check, just sent you an 3mail

[GettingOver]

Hello C00kie,

At the moment I can so much relate to your whole post, I am so, so, so much hurt by the lack of attention that I think I deserve as an OW and in general, I hate his "relaxed" mode or whatever it is. When I see him, he is so caring and loving and then he can blow cold and be busy with work, etc, etc. Just spoke to him on skype and he was so cold that it breaks my heart to pieces. We are supposed to "talk" by the end of this months, again, but I just cant see how can one ever change his entire life, if he doesn't need to even talk to me daily, or send a quick text... I know he's currently having stress at work but still. When we just started the relationship he was way more caring and he would text me dayly just to ask how my day was...Did your situation improve in any way? Is it possible to PM you? Maybe you can PM me?..

It is really so difficult for me... I feel that he needs me only when I am getting distant and cold... But I cannot play this game all the time!!! Even as the OW I want to enjoy my part, get his love and attention and not worry all the time of sending an extra message so that he doesn't get "relaxed". And when I ask hin "do you need all this at all??" he won't let me go.