I was broken up with her for about a year. Never begged, but still made mistakes.

[ABrokenNerd]

This one is a bit long, but please bear with it.

 

I was in a relationship with my ex for about two years. (we are both 21) We broke up a year ago and although I knew a few things seemed off, it blindsided me. She never told me a concrete reason, she only said that she couldn't give me what I want and that she wanted to be friends. Later, after a bit of reflection, I found out that she broke up with me because I had a strong opinion about some things (that would lead to stupid arguments), because I smoke, and because I became too clingy.

 

Throughout this year of us being broken up, we did remain friends and I worked on myself. We stayed friends mainly because we still had so much in common, and we were friends in high school, so we have a bit of pre-relationship history. During this year, I still had feelings for her, but I thought that I would be the bigger man by swallowing my pride and my ego and just remain friends no matter what. We texted each other a lot. Talked a lot. Hung out a lot. Went to a few events and so on. But I never ever begged her, called her to confess my feelings, apologized profusely and the like. The most I ever did was flirt, compliment her and so on. In hindsight, it was quite obvious that I still had feelings, but I never let that come in the way of the friendship. Oh boy the mixed message hell that put me through...

 

Fast forward to about last month. I find out at a party with a bunch of mutual friends from high-school that she is dating someone else (who also is a mutual friend) I was absolutely crushed, in the sense that I had barely an inkling. I understood why she hid it, to spare my feelings, but I was hurt now, and it was my own fault for not moving on. Love is strange that way. I thought I could move on and still be friends. Yeah... right...

 

So the next following Monday, I succumb to a little bit of panic and I tell her straight up that I still had feelings for her. She said that she was sorry, and that I should move on. Then I told her upfront that I knew about her and her new bf. (she got a little defensive but I assured her I wasn't angry, I was happy for her and such) and I told her that I was sorry for all the things wrong I did in the relationship, and that it would take some time for me to get used to it. I even called the new bf(as he is a high school friend) and I told him that it would take me a while for things to be normal with me again, so if I don't speak to you, to not take that personally.

 

So I limit contact as much could. I still have her on fb, but I rarely check her profile, and the only form of communication she tries to initiate is through FB comments (to which I don't respond, but I rarely ever respond on FB anyway). And alas, after two weeks, I hear from mutual friends that she thinks I'm mad at her, and she is worried that she will never hear from me again. I give her about a week before I call her and tell her upfront once again that I don't know at this point if I can be friends with her, and it's because I love her that I'm saying this. I told her a value her too much to just want to be friends, and that part of me will want something more from her. It would take me time to reach that level where I am comfortable being friends again.

 

Her response to this is she changes her initial story... she now says she isn't rushing into a relationship with this guy, that she was hesitant, and she is taking it very slow with him. Then she expresses eagerness for me to resume communications with her because she values me as well. We say our goodbyes, and I haven't talked to her since. Been a week since then...

 

I've worked on myself for a long time. I have a job. I've lost a lot of weight... I'm in the process of quitting smoking. I am more confident and now less needy. I still don't know if I can be friends with her. and it hurts me because I know it will hurt her. I want her back, I don't need her back, but the pain is all too real for me. I'm all about moving on yes, but I'm worried that continued NC will make me lose any chance of reconciliation (even though at this point its not a main goal) and worst of all hurt her... I was wondering if anyone had any opinions on this matter? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.... sorry for the long post.

[lindsay1990]

Don't worry about NC ruining chance at recon. Her relationship with the new dude has little to do with you and everything to do between the two of them. If it's going to not work out it will fail with or without you in the picture, because you've been broken up so long already. This is my personal opinion.

 

Also, keeping in touch will only let you be friendzoned and if that will be too painful for you, it's best to stay away.

 

I know everyone says this and it's so easy to want to think we are the exception but I am of the group around here that it is better to go NC so as to be seen always in that romantic light (the light of a PARTNER) instead of letting your role be reframed into a friend.

 

Advice? NC because I don't think you are at a place to handle seeing this relationship progress, because it might, so... spare yourself.

[ABrokenNerd]

Thanks for your input. My mind tells me you are 100% right lindsay, but my heart can't shake the small feeling that what I'm doing is wrong. I don't want to abandon the friendship, but if I want a relationship, I guess my sanity and well being comes first...

[ABrokenNerd]

Also I should add that the amount of mutual friends that we have because of our clique in high school makes avoiding her completely almost impossible. Every party she is there and so is her boyfriend so yeah, just adds more depth to my problem.

[lindsay1990]

If you want the friendship, I'm sure it will still be there after a couple of months go by. I doubt she will hold it against you if you keep your distance for a while and, as harsh as this sounds, specially if her attention is focused on this other guy.

[girlwithabrokenheart]

I want her back, I don't need her back, but the pain is all too real for me. I'm all about moving on yes, but I'm worried that continued NC will make me lose any chance of reconciliation (even though at this point its not a main goal) and worst of all hurt her... I was wondering if anyone had any opinions on this matter? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.... sorry for the long post.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I'm kinda in the same boat, except my ex is in a few classes of mine in college and I have no choice but to see him. We also ask each other questions about class. We have a very straight forward "friendship" We only communicate about school.

 

Sometimes I think should I just not talk to him at all and completely avoid him in class as much as I can? Or should I continue being nice to him and act as if he's just a class buddy and not an ex. I feel like I should keep being his class buddy because there's a tiny feeling inside me that's saying I'll lose him completely if I act cold to him. Even though I'm over us getting back together anytime soon (he's found someone else already).

 

I think we feel this way because we aren't over them. We've accepted things and moved on but we still have feelings. That's what makes things hard. I just wish I could go complete NC and not have to see him a few times a week.

[ABrokenNerd]

Yeah it is tough girlwithabrokenheart... I hope everything works out for you. My ex just invited me to her birthday shindig and I know that I'm definitely not ready to go, and I think by me not going, it will send a message to her clear as day that any aspect of us hanging out is going to be strained. My problem is I over-think things to death. More then likely she just invited me to be nice and actually doesn't give a **** if I go or not, but as much as a over-think, I shouldn't worry about what she thinks because I have got a life to live.

[Waz]

Wow.

Dude, you are crazy.

You're beating yourself really much. Don't do that for your own sake mate.

 

If it's about you (and this is), you must NEVER worry what others think. It's common sense. No one can help with what's happening inside you, except you. Only you. If that means that you must NC, isolate from mutual friends in order to move on, then do it. You worry what if she will be hurt? You have all time in the world to fix that later when you will be ready to talk to her again, but first you must recover. Without recovery you will always be sad and it will take you a lot longer time to move on than the normal. You don't want that trust me.

 

Just avoid her and him. I think your mutual friends will understand and will not even ask you what for. If you think that they will not understand, then tell them why and also tell them that when you are with them, better not mention to you anything about your ex and her current boyfriend and as well to not mention anything about you when they're with your ex and/or her boyfriend. **** man, the way you chose doesn't seem right at all to me. It's self-destructing

 

Take your time and don't worry for anyone but you. If YOU don't feel well, you can't make anyone feel better. NC immediately and without announcing it in my opinion, she will figure out anyway after some time and should respect it if she cares about you.

 

PS: I didn't get how the thing about smoking would cause this relationship to fail. Think it for a while, maybe it was just an excuse?

[flight E]

Been in d same boat. U best bet is nc. It will still happen whether you like it or not. It's better on you own terms. Go nc for your own gud

[ABrokenNerd]

Just a small update. I'm feeling better. I'm a bit raw at the fact that she claims to value me but doesn't initaite an iota of conversation, but I've learned that as of right now there is nothing left to say. Why beat a dead horse with another dead horse? What makes it all tough is how much I do miss her. I fully realize that NC is the best course of action, and I'm sticking too it despite my heart screaming at me just to text her and see how she is doing. Right now, I am thankful that my mind is stronger then my heart right now.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, buddy!

 

Welcome to our forum!

 

I didn't actually like that you called her new boyfriend, to wish them well (or what ever you told him), and your no contact message sucked balls.

 

BUT it sure as hell flipped her switch.

 

Yay, she got mad = feelings.

She thinks you are mad at her = feelings.

 

I mean she is tells you she is over you, she has no feelings for you anymore (only friendly feelings).

Why does she care about what's going on in your life? And trying to have you in hers?

I consider her getting mad a little bump in the road, that is it.

You are winning otherwise she wouldn't be so worried, and try stupid sh*t like calling, texting, e-mailing, yanking your chain on Fjasbok, what I call Facebook, inviting you to her party, etc.

 

Even if she is wrapping all this sh*t into a nice gift with a bow on it (her wanting to be best friends in the whooooole word!, said with a 3 year old cute girls voice) and giving it to you,

it is still sh*t.

If I was over someone I would not waste a second of my time calling them, inviting them to my party etc. - period.

 

I would be enjoying my new life, freedom, new boyfriend and happiness.

 

So why is she doing this?

 

Because she is fu*king stupid, confused, and angry - no contact will do that to your ex,

it is part of the evolution process - let it happen.

 

Her seeking sympathy, saying«don't be mad at me! (or something in the lines of that)» is the first sings of her personal evolution.

 

Let her go through all this on her own.

My advice to you is to keep no contact, take back control, and learn from your mistakes.

As for you hurting her... Hmm...

 

How did you feel when she broke up with you?

 

Her comfort to you was to get a new boyfriend, and saying to you:

Move on.

And then kiss her new guy.

 

Then ask you to continue being there for her, being friends.

Give you mixed signals = lies.

 

Staying friends = Relationship limbo

Relationship limbo = Constant pain and confusion

 

With friends like this, who needs cancer?

 

Remember:

If your ex is still showing any kind of emotion - yes, like the all the crap she is doing RIGHT NOW - towards you or your actions.

 

This is a big one, because remember, the opposite of love is not hate.

 

The opposite of love is complete and utter indifference.

 

Indifference would be no lame invite to party, no:

«she now says she isn't rushing into a relationship with this guy, that she was hesitant, and she is taking it very slow with him.

Then she expresses eagerness for me to resume communications with her because she values me as well.».

 

Exes do not realise (or care) how much it hurts (you) when they try to keep you as a friend after the break up.

Your no contact message - the one that flipped her switch, and probably made her start to question if she is truly over you - will not keep working unless you use it correctly.

 

She can't have it all.

 

I agree with Waz.

 

You are being tooooooooooo fu*king nice.

 

You have been in pain and hurt for a year.

 

That is 365 days since the break up.

 

Aren't you tired yet?

 

Time to focus on you.

 

Listen to me... no contact means no contact.

 

Don't responding to her fu*king messages or what ever she sends your way.

 

And stop being such a fu*king doormat.

She is not treating you well and you still feel the need to comfort her.

(i.e. I'm not ignoring you, there, there, darling).

 

That is now the new boyfriends job.

 

You really need to get your life back.

 

Right now you are an empty shell.

 

An empty shell that has «worked on myself for a long time. I have a job. I've lost a lot of weight... I'm in the process of quitting smoking. I am more confident and now less needy.»

But still a shell.

 

You still need to work on you and stop being so nice to your ex.

 

Be nice to YOU.

 

She was not nice to you when she broke up with you.

 

Up until now she has been taking advantage of you.

Idiot ex.

 

All these negative feelings you are having right now are the negative feelings you are going to work on during no contact.

 

It is normal (and actually helpful) when your ex dates.

 

To me this indicates you left such a void in her life that she needed to grab the first thing she could find to fill it - hence the rebound.

(Yeah, I say the new dude is a rebound).

 

Now, she has some (random) dude telling her what to do - how long will that last?

 

Just remember things always usually get worst before they get better, and if this is what your ex really thinks of you - you didn't have a future with her anyways.

You really fu*ked her mind up (with you going no contact) if she is acting like this,

but she is digging her own grave - which is another good thing for you.

 

Because sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they wake up, and start evolving.

 

You/She/We can run, but you/she/we can't hide from your/her/our true feelings.

 

Don't question love, it really does exist, just be patient and keep the faith,

and you will get what you deserve someday soon.

 

OK, enough about your ex-hole - back to your personal evolution.

 

Good job in not going to her lame party.

Great job in keeping no contact.

 

You will evolve much faster and better when there is no ex subject mentioned to you and all those people around you,

especially your ex must respect your request not to be contacted in any kind at all about you - that is asking someone to ask about you on her behalf and so on.

 

No contact is all about you, getting your life back.

 

It doesn't matter what she is thinking about now, how she reacts and so on.

 

This time it is all about you.

You hold the rules now, and she has to follow it.

[thora-tiki]

I posted this on another forum member's thread yesterday,

but I think you need this chapter as well.

 

This chapter is the one chapter I still use weekly - before it was because I felt desperate or hurt or missed dildo face.

 

Now I use it for the fast forward technique.

I use this technique before my dates with new dildo face.

Chapter 2:

 

Don’t Panic:

 

You’ve just had the conversation. Your ex and you are officially broken up. So what’s the next step?

 

Should you immediately call him or her on the phone to win back your love?

How about sending a thousand text messages professing your undying feelings?

 

These steps are perfectly normal occurrences for the average pair breaking things off,

but they’re not the best routes to returning your relationship.

In fact, panic is the enemy.

 

Panic equals desperation – desperation and being hot headed are the enemies.

 

In this chapter, we’ll talk about how you can suppress the panicky feelings you may be having,

show you how to calm down, and strategize about your relationship.

Where Does the Panic Come From?

You may be an otherwise very rational person,

but when it comes to the end of your relationship your brain cells just turn off and let your heart do the talking.

 

That’s how you end up drunk-dialing your ex to try to get back together,

cringing the next morning when you realize what you’ve done.

 

Why do you feel so crazy when it comes to love?

The panic you feel comes from the immediate loss of control that you experience.

 

One minute you’re laughing, having fun, and even arguing – but you know what to expect.

 

After a break-up you’re suddenly spun into a world of unknowns.

 

Even if you weren’t all that happy in your relationship, at least it was familiar.

 

You feel an immediate need to do something to help you regain that control.

So you choose to do a lot of things that actually end up making things worse.

 

Before you can do anything about regaining your relationship,

you have to dial down the panic and become a rational human being again.

 

Take a Break

Now that you’ve broken up with your significant other,

it’s important that you take a true break from your relationship.

 

In other words, you need to stop calling, emailing, stopping by,

or showing up at locations where you think your ex will be found.

 

You may think that the key to winning back your true love is to show him or her

how much you really care as soon as possible – before it’s too late to ever recover.

 

The truth is, you’ll end up causing your ex to feel alienated and even angrier with you.

When your emotions are raw and a break up is fresh, you’re more likely to:

 

- Say things that aren’t true

- Say things that will push your ex’s buttons

- Try to make your ex feel jealous

- Use unkind words to make your ex feel bad

- Behave like a stalker

- Taunt your ex and rehash old arguments

- Seek revenge

As you can see, nothing in the above list is very attractive.

 

These aren’t good strategies for getting your ex to return to you –

but because you’re panicking, they seem like perfectly good ways to get back into your relationship.

 

Instead, you need to allow yourself to have a cooling off period.

Look at your calendar and choose a period of time of about a month.

(My comment, change that one month to at least: 90-180 days)

Circle the date that falls about a month (90-180 days) from now.

That is the next day you can allow yourself to talk to your ex.

If you feel like calling, emailing, or visiting your ex before that date, STOP!

 

Yes, you’ll be thinking about him or her, but you can’t allow your feelings

to override the break that you both need.

 

If you really want to get back with your ex,

you need time to clear your head and become rational again.

Then you’ll be able to see where things truly fell apart.

 

You’ll also be able to open real lines of communication

when there’s a little time and distance between the two of you.

 

You Need This Time

Staying away from your ex is really important because it allows you to ride out

the panicky feelings and move into a more strategic mode.

 

You’ll need this time of time so that you can plan your strategy well.

 

You also need to cool off from the emotions that always surround a breakup.

There may be a very specific reason that your relationship ended, but during those initial days,

you may have a hard time focusing on what needs to change.

 

Instead you’re focused on your feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hurt.

 

Giving yourself some time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you

to accomplish what you really want in the end – reconciliation.

 

They Need This Time

You may have heard the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

If you want to get back with your ex, you need to give him or her time to miss you.

How can they miss you when you won’t leave them alone?

 

So, while your initial reaction may be to try to keep in constant contact,

it will surely backfire. Allow your ex to have a chance to get some distance from the breakup as well.

 

You want your ex to feel like you respect him, like you understand his concerns, and begin to miss you.

Taking a real break allows all three of these things to happen.

 

Giving your former relationship partner a break also helps you to appear mature,

calm, cool, and collected – even if you aren’t there just yet.

 

These are all attractive qualities in a mate.

Give Yourself a Break

What can you do during this time? If you’re not spending time with your relationship partner,

you may really not know what to do with yourself.

 

Here are a few ideas for keeping yourself busy the first few weeks.

 

Reconnect With Old Friends

During a relationship, couples often isolate themselves from friends.

Take this opportunity to catch up on old times with the people you care about in your life.

 

This is a nice distraction when you’re suffering from a breakup.

Just don’t make your breakup the focus of all of your conversations.

 

Renew a Hobby

Is there a hobby you enjoy that you’ve neglected?

 

Take a few weeks to get back into it without feeling guilty

of the time spent doing something other than worshiping your boy/girlfriend.

 

Whether you enjoy going hiking, photography, or playing an instrument,

now’s the time to focus on something that really interests you as an individual.

You might also meet some new friends to help take your mind off of the old pain.

 

Focus More Energy at Work

Is there an area of your career you’ve been neglecting?

 

Now is the perfect time to put in a few extra hours at the office.

 

You won’t be tempted to make a phone call too early if you’re busy getting things done at your workplace.

 

Avoiding Depression

It’s normal for people to feel blue after a breakup.

 

But it’s critical that you don’t fall into a pit of despair when you’re working toward getting back together.

 

You don’t want to make it even harder by falling into depression.

 

Here are some things you need to avoid during this time.

 

- Sleeping all day

- Staying at home instead of accepting invitations to go out

- Drowning yourself in alcohol (especially because it leads to drunk-dialing and text messaging)

- Telling everyone who will listen about your break up

- Making any major life decisions

- Calling in sick to work

 

While it may be tempting to hole up in your bed watching Jerry Springer all day,

you need to continue living your life.

 

Wake up early, get plenty of exercise, get to work on time,

and fill your day with things you enjoy.

Managing Your Feelings Using - The Fast Forward Technique

 

The fast forward technique has many uses,

but one of the best is for getting over the pain of loss.

If you commit to performing this three times a day at least, you will be amazed.

 

STEP 1:

Feel whatever it is you are feeling and notice how and where you feel it.

For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart

(that is why it is called heart break).

 

But, that may or may not be true for you.

 

Now just focus on your feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following:

 

- Can I allow this feeling?

Or

- Can I welcome this feeling?

 

And then answer.

It doesn’t matter if it is a Yes or No.

 

STEP 2:

Ask “Could I let this feeling go?”

Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.

 

STEP 3

Ask “Would I let this feeling go?”

Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.

 

STEP 4

Ask “When?”

I used to answer: either never, now, in a few months, etc.

You get the picture.

 

STEP 5

Now examine the feeling again.

Does it feel different? Did you feel a shift?

 

The shift is different for everyone, but is a sign of small healing.

 

You want to feel how your feeling has changed and repeat steps 1 thru 5.

 

The Fast Forward Technique should not be a struggle.

 

In fact, it will usually feel quite warm and soothing.

 

You will want to do 2 or 3 sessions a day.

 

One session may be 5 or 6 repetitions or more through the 5 steps.»

[ABrokenNerd]

Thank you thora-tiki, that was very helpful to me. I shall use some of the techniques you outlined. Just for the record the only reason why I called her new bf is because he is a good friend of mine lol, but in hindsight that was stupid, but what's done is done. This process has been therapeutic, enlightening, much needed, yet soul crushingly awful at the same time. Weither or not I want to reconcile is what's going to be on mind besides self-improvement. It's a lonely path but a needed path.Especially for me because she is in my circle of friends since high school. I'm going to have to seclude myself for a long while, at least until I heal. Hopefully things will get better in the future.

[ABrokenNerd]

Thanks Torben, but I can clearly see you're advertising text your ex back, and I don't trust that. I've read the entire program and I don't trust it. I don't want to manipulate her emotions so she thinks about me. If I do end up reconciling, I want to win her over not through mildly suggestive texts that say "Hey, I wasn't in your life for awhile, but hey think of me." Plus she has someone else in her life, and that relationship started without me, it will progress or end without me.

 

But yeah, small update, she tried to tag me in a fb post about a mutual interest we had, and I felt a wave of sadness come over me, so I sat on it awhile, and I realized that it was best for me to deactivate Facebook for the time being.

 

It's funny, one doesn't truly realize how dependent and needy they are until they cut off the source and be face to face with what they fear most and that is loneliness. I'm dealing with it currently.

 

I'll know for sure after some time has passed if I truly want to reconcile. After awhile, if she doesn't try and reach out at all, I know it's a lost cause. People might think that if you truly want someone back you have to be in their lives, but the reason why I don't want to do that right now is because the last year, I had to bend over backwards just get some communication through to the point where any and all communication just slowly got more and more flat. I love her, but she never made me a priority, and now she wants to be friends like nothing happened. If she truly values me like she said she did, she will find a way to contact me. Until then, I won't break my back anymore. Maybe we can be friends when I have completely moved on, but I'm in no rush. Let us see if her actions meet her words, although I highly doubt it and at this point it doesn't concern me at all.

[j.gman]

Thanks Torben, but I can clearly see you're advertising text your ex back, and I don't trust that. I've read the entire program and I don't trust it. I don't want to manipulate her emotions so she thinks about me. If I do end up reconciling, I want to win her over not through mildly suggestive texts that say "Hey, I wasn't in your life for awhile, but hey think of me." Plus she has someone else in her life, and that relationship started without me, it will progress or end without me.

 

But yeah, small update, she tried to tag me in a fb post about a mutual interest we had, and I felt a wave of sadness come over me, so I sat on it awhile, and I realized that it was best for me to deactivate Facebook for the time being.

 

It's funny, one doesn't truly realize how dependent and needy they are until they cut off the source and be face to face with what they fear most and that is loneliness. I'm dealing with it currently.

 

I'll know for sure after some time has passed if I truly want to reconcile. After awhile, if she doesn't try and reach out at all, I know it's a lost cause. People might think that if you truly want someone back you have to be in their lives, but the reason why I don't want to do that right now is because the last year, I had to bend over backwards just get some communication through to the point where any and all communication just slowly got more and more flat. I love her, but she never made me a priority, and now she wants to be friends like nothing happened. If she truly values me like she said she did, she will find a way to contact me. Until then, I won't break my back anymore. Maybe we can be friends when I have completely moved on, but I'm in no rush. Let us see if her actions meet her words, although I highly doubt it and at this point it doesn't concern me at all.

 

Text Your Ex Back is a huge scam. It's transparent manipulation and your

ex will see right through it.

 

A fair warning to anyone who is considering purchasing this program.

[ABrokenNerd]

I screwed up again... There is a typhoon in my exs home country and I since I met her family before I genuinely asked her because I care, if her and her fam was doing alright... I thought I wouldn't care if she responded or not and I don't, but what's hurting me is the fact that I still care about her in the sense that her and her family's well being is something I care about... I really dont care if she responds or not, but if she does I legitimately am not ready to speak to her... I acted too rashly... Can anyone enlighten me as to what a good possible course of action is in this situation?

[ABrokenNerd]

Thanks Caitlin, your advice and opinions are much appreciated.

 

Just an update, nc going strong for about 4 weeks (not counting 2 minor slip ups)

 

I feel miserable a little still, but I'm finally addressing the issues that made me so insecure, plus I've been putting in time at work and through exercise so that I can at least feel substantiated with myself while I lack someone else.

 

It's not the end of the world, and its the first time I thought that about this situation in awhile.

[ABrokenNerd]

Today marks one month of NC for me with no slip-ups at all. I didn't think I could do it but I did. Strangely enough, my ex hadn't contact me the whole time up until today, asking me if I still had something of hers that I gave back to her while we were still dating lol (it was a book). Obviously fishing for a response so I obviously didn't give her one. I know it doesn't seem like much of a milestone but for me it is, considering I was hung up on her for a year... I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about her because I do, but at least now those thoughts dont bring me anxiety and depression. Ahhhhh progress.

[EmperorR]

I've been there but instead of one year, I was strung along for 3 years . Everytime I cut her out of my life, something happaned. I went 3 months nc and was feeling good then her appendix burst and she was in the hospital for a week and I felt bad and started talking to her again. I cut her off again then she needed a place to stay and I allowed her facepalm.

 

Yeah stupid me. We went away on trips together, i saw her every day as she lived like 3 minutes away from me. She even told me how she still loved me, then bam logged into facebook one day and she's in a relationship.

 

I felt like the biggest loser ever, but hey my fault. I was just a friend, and foolishly thought that one day she would come back to me. I'm finally NC after all these years and I hope I'll never break it.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Hey Sweetheart!

 

This girl is lucky to have a man that cares about her like you do, whatever the outcome. Sometimes it's helpful for me to think of my love for an ex like a gift. A gift that, if you really love them, you should want to keep giving whether they give you one back or not.

 

To continue with the analogy, however, you have to make sure it's the RIGHT GIFT. You wouldn't give your granny a jockstrap right?

 

What am I getting at here... Well, I made every mistake there is. The first was begging and crying.... and the second was following the HARDLINE NC advice at LS-- which, if you talk to just about any therapist, is plain WRONG for you and your romantic goals if you were in a serious relationship, and have serious LONGLASTING ROMANTIC feelings (not infatuations.) We can and should talk about discerning those things.

 

It's wrong because its a way of misrepresenting yourself. It is manipulation, pure and simple-- unless you're doing it for yourself, to get rid of an obsession or infatuation. If what you have is an infatuation-- go NC! It will work in the sense that you'll feel better. But NC only attracts an insecure jealous partner back.

 

You know what happened after my three months of NC? My ex said it hurt like hell, but he was happy I moved on--because he couldn't stand seeing me in pain. He told me he would always love me... but in the time we weren't talking He made his rebound fling a girlfriend because he "realized" he had to "move forward." Idiots. The both of us.

 

 

Listen,

This girl cares for you. Love, and care, and commitment are hundreds of years old. The "friend zone" is about 40 years old tops. Shouldn't that tell you something?

 

This hardline NC springs from a place of a NEW AGE idea that we have an OBLIGATION to be happy. I challenge that idea, and say as human beings, we have an obligation to be FULFILLED. If you really love this girl, you aren't going to be fufilled ignoring your love out of your heart.

 

That's my two unpopular cents.

 

Good luck darlin'. Love wins, one way or another.

[tinker683]

Hey Sweetheart!

 

This girl is lucky to have a man that cares about her like you do, whatever the outcome. Sometimes it's helpful for me to think of my love for an ex like a gift. A gift that, if you really love them, you should want to keep giving whether they give you one back or not.

 

To continue with the analogy, however, you have to make sure it's the RIGHT GIFT. You wouldn't give your granny a jockstrap right?

 

What am I getting at here... Well, I made every mistake there is. The first was begging and crying.... and the second was following the HARDLINE NC advice at LS-- which, if you talk to just about any therapist, is plain WRONG for you and your romantic goals if you were in a serious relationship, and have serious LONGLASTING ROMANTIC feelings (not infatuations.) We can and should talk about discerning those things.

 

It's wrong because its a way of misrepresenting yourself. It is manipulation, pure and simple-- unless you're doing it for yourself, to get rid of an obsession or infatuation. If what you have is an infatuation-- go NC! It will work in the sense that you'll feel better. But NC only attracts an insecure jealous partner back.

 

You know what happened after my three months of NC? My ex said it hurt like hell, but he was happy I moved on--because he couldn't stand seeing me in pain. He told me he would always love me... but in the time we weren't talking He made his rebound fling a girlfriend because he "realized" he had to "move forward." Idiots. The both of us.

 

 

Listen,

This girl cares for you. Love, and care, and commitment are hundreds of years old. The "friend zone" is about 40 years old tops. Shouldn't that tell you something?

 

This hardline NC springs from a place of a NEW AGE idea that we have an OBLIGATION to be happy. I challenge that idea, and say as human beings, we have an obligation to be FULFILLED. If you really love this girl, you aren't going to be fufilled ignoring your love out of your heart.

 

That's my two unpopular cents.

 

Good luck darlin'. Love wins, one way or another.

 

 

Good post, but I wanted to make some comments

 

 

I do agree with you that love always wins in the end...but from reading the OP and his subsequent posts, it sounds to me that he needs some personal space of his own to sort things out and rediscover himself.

 

 

I'm actually chatting with my ex now but the relationship we have now...is a bare fraction of the intimacy we had before. Now we text each every 4 or 5 days with some pleasant conversation but that's about it. We don't discuss anything about our past relationship (It's gone and over with). She had admitted to me that her life is very much less than what she wanted before we broke up and I've offered sympathy and support but that's about as far as it goes for me. I still love her, and I still care about her, but I spent many months working on myself and realizing and accepting just how much our relationship wasn't working and that helped me get to the point to where I am today. She can not give me what I need and when I finally accepted that...I discovered that I was free to care about her without attachment and I was able to let go of my anger and resentment and hurt.

 

 

It didn't work between her and I and that's OK. If she came to me for help (and I have offered it during the times she's struggled but she's always refused) I would help her out to the utter best of my abilities.

 

 

But she can't give me what I need. She can't be the partner I want. I'd love it if she could be...but I know she can't, and I'm OK with that. I'm happier now than I was then and it took me a while to admit that.

 

 

If she ever came back to me, I'd be open to working things out with her...but SHE is going to have to do that and SHE is going to have had to work on or be willing to work on the issues that drove us apart before. Otherwise, I'm content with what we've got now. I enjoy talking to her and I do not regret loving her. I'm happy with my life the way it is

 

OP: I don't know how it is you feel about this woman and what it is you actually need right now. Instead, I will suggest to you that if you're still hurting...then you need to go NC. Reestablish contact sometime in the future if you feel you're ready for it and you would like her back in your life but you need to rediscover yourself first You need to find out what makes YOU happy. Until you do that, you're going to be miserable.

 

 

Once you do discover that though, then you'll be in a place to where you can decide if she is someone you want to be a part of your life.

 

 

Best of wishes

[EmperorR]

Hey Sweetheart!

 

This girl is lucky to have a man that cares about her like you do, whatever the outcome. Sometimes it's helpful for me to think of my love for an ex like a gift. A gift that, if you really love them, you should want to keep giving whether they give you one back or not.

 

To continue with the analogy, however, you have to make sure it's the RIGHT GIFT. You wouldn't give your granny a jockstrap right?

 

What am I getting at here... Well, I made every mistake there is. The first was begging and crying.... and the second was following the HARDLINE NC advice at LS-- which, if you talk to just about any therapist, is plain WRONG for you and your romantic goals if you were in a serious relationship, and have serious LONGLASTING ROMANTIC feelings (not infatuations.) We can and should talk about discerning those things.

 

It's wrong because its a way of misrepresenting yourself. It is manipulation, pure and simple-- unless you're doing it for yourself, to get rid of an obsession or infatuation. If what you have is an infatuation-- go NC! It will work in the sense that you'll feel better. But NC only attracts an insecure jealous partner back.

 

You know what happened after my three months of NC? My ex said it hurt like hell, but he was happy I moved on--because he couldn't stand seeing me in pain. He told me he would always love me... but in the time we weren't talking He made his rebound fling a girlfriend because he "realized" he had to "move forward." Idiots. The both of us.

 

 

Listen,

This girl cares for you. Love, and care, and commitment are hundreds of years old. The "friend zone" is about 40 years old tops. Shouldn't that tell you something?

 

This hardline NC springs from a place of a NEW AGE idea that we have an OBLIGATION to be happy. I challenge that idea, and say as human beings, we have an obligation to be FULFILLED. If you really love this girl, you aren't going to be fufilled ignoring your love out of your heart.

 

That's my two unpopular cents.

 

Good luck darlin'. Love wins, one way or another.

 

 

NC is to heal yourself not to get back your ex, no one wants the pain of hanging around being around with the ex when you still want them

[ABrokenNerd]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Inspiteofrselves

 

I understand what you are saying but there is another man in her life. If that is not an indicator of her not wanting me, then I don't know what is. I went NC because it is too painful. She doesn't want me, I have accepted that. If she wants me and tells me so, then I will be willing to work on it, but I'm not gonna put my life on hold for her. It's not a matter of love for her when it comes to NC. I need to learn to love myself again because I feel so lost without her. I shouldn't feel this way. I don't need her. No person should need another. I do want her though, in the sense of sharing what we have to offer each other.

 

tinker683

 

That is what I am doing. I've been NC for a month and a half now.