on moving forward

[movingbackwards]

So I met up with my ex after 4 months of NC and her rebound ended. We were together for 5 years. There were some commitment issues on my behalf that caused us to end as well as GIGS on her end. She immediately got involved with her friend of 10 years or so. Apparently her rebound was abusive to her emotionally and they are no longer an "item" She is working now on being alone and improving her life. She deals with some abandonment/codependency issues rooted from her family. Well, a few nights a go she texted me, since I had been off the radar, and told me to come meet her at a restaurant with some of her friends. I skeptically obliged. I wound up taking her home but we made a stop by my house until 5am talking about our relationship. She cried quite a bit and relinquished a lot of her guilt for how she treated me during the breakup. She mentioned "getting back together" and the "ifs" involved and we kind of talked about my future, which was a concern to her. I texted her the next day and thanked her for coming by and later on, discretely asked her how she felt about us. She said she doesn't know how she feels about it but she misses me and she "needs this time to be completely different" and she "needs some alone time before anything happens again" Now I'm not going to sit here and wait around, but she gave me a little bit of hope here. I've gone no contact since replying to this text.

 

 

My question here is, how do I proceed eventually? I'm hoping going NC is actually doing me some good and not killing my chances. I do want her back and I want her for the long haul. In a few months should I reach out to her and at splurge on how I feel about her and what I'm going to do to make it right? I know right now is NOT the time and I know even then it may be a bad idea but I have to show a little bit of fight in me at some point. What would be the recommendation here? Let her go until she ultimately comes back to me? I think planting in her head that I still love her and want to be with her will keep her thinking of me...and then back to NC? Just need some advice.

Edited October 31, 2013 by movingbackwards

[headinthecloud]

I'm wondering why you're hanging onto someone who obviously doesn't care about you but is rather critical of you. If she really loved you, your "future" wouldn't be a concern because you'd build it together. She sounds very selfish and she used you as an emotional crutch following her BU of her rebound. I would go NC and let go. You deserve better. She has to come crawling back to you if she wants to be with you, don't be accommodating to her because she'll walk all over you. Set your boundaries and the right woman will come around and compliment you.

[ravssss]

1) You move on ... easier and better choice ... and drop all the ifs right there ... GIGS is no excuse for a Girl to leave any one ...

 

2) hang out a bit and see if there is nething left between u both ... maybe u wud get an answer then .. but getting back into the relationship straight after no contact jst because u miss each other might be costly ... because it'll be all hype and might not sustain .. so i think its better to be in touch .... if u really want this to work

 

Thats my humble opinion ..

[movingbackwards]

I'm wondering why you're hanging onto someone who obviously doesn't care about you but is rather critical of you. If she really loved you, your "future" wouldn't be a concern because you'd build it together. She sounds very selfish and she used you as an emotional crutch following her BU of her rebound. I would go NC and let go. You deserve better. She has to come crawling back to you if she wants to be with you, don't be accommodating to her because she'll walk all over you. Set your boundaries and the right woman will come around and compliment you.

 

She had some anger problems, we pent up a lot of anger towards each other... I stopped showing her the love she needed and she sought after someone else.... I do agree that she is too worried about my future.

 

My question here is more about reconciliation as opposed to letting her go. I "get" the whole situation and am very well versed in our relationship so I know what's going on here, just looking for re connection advice.

Edited October 31, 2013 by movingbackwards

[melell]

I think in these situations you really do need to make sure you are okay with any outcome. If you can get to a stage where it is not going to mess with you (hard I know) then it is ok for you to be 'open' to anything.

 

I am a big believer in giving people time to figure things out, but I am also a big believer in doing whats best for you.

 

If it is not going to mess with you then LC might be the way to go. Don't disappear entirely, but don't be there all the time. A 'hello' once a month would be enough to keep the doors open. And you will soon find out if she wants you, she will make it very known.

 

I think that nc is the only option if 1)contact really messes with you 2) you don't want to get back together 3)It is the early months following the break up.

 

You are at 4months, so I am sure you know how it works, and I am sure you have been through the toughest part.

 

I wouldn't suggest this to anyone less than say 3 months post bu, or someone who is still emotionally vulnerable.

 

In my opinion you have been through the hardest part before, so if it messed with you (worst case scenario) then you could handle it going through that again.

It is your choice completely, just proceed being aware of the possible outcomes.

[movingbackwards]

I think in these situations you really do need to make sure you are okay with any outcome. If you can get to a stage where it is not going to mess with you (hard I know) then it is ok for you to be 'open' to anything.

 

I am a big believer in giving people time to figure things out, but I am also a big believer in doing whats best for you.

 

If it is not going to mess with you then LC might be the way to go. Don't disappear entirely, but don't be there all the time. A 'hello' once a month would be enough to keep the doors open. And you will soon find out if she wants you, she will make it very known.

 

I think that nc is the only option if 1)contact really messes with you 2) you don't want to get back together 3)It is the early months following the break up.

 

You are at 4months, so I am sure you know how it works, and I am sure you have been through the toughest part.

 

I wouldn't suggest this to anyone less than say 3 months post bu, or someone who is still emotionally vulnerable.

 

In my opinion you have been through the hardest part before, so if it messed with you (worst case scenario) then you could handle it going through that again.

It is your choice completely, just proceed being aware of the possible outcomes.

 

Thank you. Very sound advice Seeing her again, looking into her eyes across the table still flustered me quite a bit. It has taken me about 3 days to land from that experience but it was definitely comparable to the first few months of the breakup.

 

 

She said she needs some time alone. I don't want to text her as I feel I will over/under read her texts right now, but I also don't want to remain anonymous. I will keep contact with her but I was going to let her initiate like she has been.

[movingbackwards]

It's also odd to me, I fee like every day we don't speak is a day I'm losing her. I felt this way in the beginning as well but she came back. Should I even be initiating right now?

[lindsay1990]

Hey, man. Everyday you don't speak is a day she's losing YOU too.

 

 

Don't initiate, she has too much control of your emotions, whether she's doing it on purpose or not. NC will help you with some clarity, to clear the break up fog. What are these "future" issues he has anyway?

[lylat333]

So I met up with my ex after 4 months of NC and her rebound ended.

 

Just curious OP, how did you get back in touch? Did you reach out after her rebound ended? (how would you have known if you were in NC?) or did she reach out to you and what was the tone like?

[movingbackwards]

Just curious OP, how did you get back in touch? Did you reach out after her rebound ended? (how would you have known if you were in NC?) or did she reach out to you and what was the tone like?

 

I found out through her friend that I ran into that she was MISERABLE. I still kept LC without initiation. She had been texting me little breadcrumbs every now and then and I would be very short or not respond at all. She texted three days in a row asking where I was and what I was doing so I finally caved and went and saw her.

[movingbackwards]

Hey, man. Everyday you don't speak is a day she's losing YOU too.

 

Don't initiate, she has too much control of your emotions, whether she's doing it on purpose or not. NC will help you with some clarity, to clear the break up fog. What are these "future" issues he has anyway?

 

Very true.

 

She has always been concerned about what I want to do with my life. I lack motivation. I'm talented, charismatic, smart, but I lack the will to do anything. When we were together I would show extreme apathy towards what I wanted to do with my life and I didn't care about much of anything. I think I was depressed. I think she wants me to show her that I do have a future and wont be 35 with no ambitions or goals working a meaningless job.

[lindsay1990]

I see. I don't want to prejudge but it sounds like if she doesn't want to get back with you because she's unsure of your future, is it because she's concerned about her own financial well-being?

 

In any case, I don't think this is probably the main reason to not continue, more like another reason.

[movingbackwards]

I see. I don't want to prejudge but it sounds like if she doesn't want to get back with you because she's unsure of your future, is it because she's concerned about her own financial well-being?

 

In any case, I don't think this is probably the main reason to not continue, more like another reason.

 

I think she just wants to see me do well. I had a tendency to be pretty lazy during my early twenties. No real goals or ambitions. She just wanted me want to find something I was passionate about and act on it.

 

I'm just not sure where to go with it. I'm not sure if NC is helping or hurting. I know she wants time but I'm not sure if that means me texting her at all or just leaving it be.

[BC1980]

I think, for now at least, I would not initiate contact with her and see what happens. The problem is that it becomes very frustrating from your standpoint, so you will want to do something to speed it up. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. That's why so many people suggest doing the one thing you can do, which is to move on because you win either way. I've recently had to come to terms with this myself so that I could actually move on.

[movingbackwards]

I think, for now at least, I would not initiate contact with her and see what happens. The problem is that it becomes very frustrating from your standpoint, so you will want to do something to speed it up. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. That's why so many people suggest doing the one thing you can do, which is to move on because you win either way. I've recently had to come to terms with this myself so that I could actually move on.

 

Yeah it's pretty frustrating. I have been debating on letting her know the next time that I see her that I either want reconciliation or to never speak to her again. It hurts to much to be in limbo.

[barky2]

Op, you were her cushion that night.

 

That's it.

 

Caught her fall.

 

Then she pulls the I need to be alone card.

 

She's not alone.

 

She's playing both of you.

 

For your sake i hope I'm wrong, but unfortunately I've seen this so many times.

 

Once she said come, you dropped everything, ran there.

 

She felt a little better, and you walked away with your head spinning.

 

What you would like to happen, I promise you won't happen anytime soon.

 

You already know what to do.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[thora-tiki]

movingbackwards wrote:

I think planting in her head that I still love her and want to be with her will keep her thinking of me...

and then back to NC? Just need some advice.

This paragraph/sentence made me think of sci-fi-films:

Whilst the androids were out fighting the robot war on Planet XYZ,

the professor planted thoughts into her head that he still loved her...

 

Ok, I'll play along, maybe you are not in an emotional vulnerable state...

BUT SHE IS!

 

What people sometimes forget on here is that BOTH parties need to be emotionally ready to reconnect.

 

Reconnecting with an un-evolved ex is agony.

And will back fire every fu*king time.

 

If you’re really serious about «getting your ex back» this is the last thing you want.

 

Your old failed relationship is where the big fight, or mistake happened, etc.

 

As you now know.

 

(Even reconnecting with an ex that is ready is fu*king exhausting - take my word for it.)

 

You wrote:

My question here is more about reconciliation as opposed to letting her go.

I "get" the whole situation and am very well versed in our relationship so I know what's going on here,

just looking for reconnection advice.

I know I am repeating myself, but:

Here are tips to what to do or not to do during no contact, and to get ready (for reconnecting with the ex):

- Read the e-book the magic of making up.

PM me your e-mail address and I can mail you the e-book the magic of making up.

This e-book gives you a plan for what to do during no contact (it was written to be used during no contact),

what to do when/if you want to reconnect,

what to do during reconnect,

what to do during the first months after reconnect,

and how to keep having a stronger and better relationship,

if you get back together.

 

Even if you don't get your ex back (50/50 chance) you'll learn things in this e-book

that will help you for the rest of your life (understanding relationship dynamics).

 

- The idea of who had the guts to end a dying relationship doesn't really matter.

Who cares who broke up with who?

The relationship was already dying, on it's way to being dead.

Let it die, so that a new one can emerge.

 

What really matters is what you want, do you want your life back, and possibly your ex too?

(I am adding this point, because people on here are so adamant that if they got dumped, they can not be the one to

get in touch.

My ex broke up with me, and I was the one to get in touch.

Doing this also put me in the drivers seat, I never waited for him.

Now, doesn't that sound way better than waiting on the ex to get in touch?)

 

- Sit there counting off the days and expecting your ex to come back like magic.

 

- Find any reason to break no contact and contact your ex (or let them contact you),

before you are ready, or let them lead the way,

out of fear they won’t remember you/move on after a few or many months of no contact.

(Exhibit A. You wrote:

Well, a few nights a go she texted me, since I had been off the radar,

and told me to come meet her at a restaurant with some of her friends.

I skeptically obliged. I wound up taking her home but we made a stop by my house until 5am talking

about our relationship. She cried quite a bit and relinquished a lot of her guilt for how she treated me during the breakup.

She mentioned "getting back together" and the "ifs" involved and we kind of talked about my future,

which was a concern to her.)

 

If this had happened to me, I would have done one of these three suggestions:

1. «I know you want to talk about this, but I don't want to talk about that right now,

let's have some fun and talk about it another time», thenchange the subject, to something neutral or fun.

2. «Looks like we're all out of small talk. I was going to try and leave before things got so serious».

3. Or excused yourself and left the restaurant: «Let's call it a night».

 

Since you are asking all these questions, that tells me: you are not ready.

 

- There is much work to be done during no contact and the faster you stop working against the break up

and start working with the right tools, (i.e. follow a plan) the faster you'll be ready for reconnection, make sense?

 

- During your time alone you will make a list of the pros and the cons of your relationship to figure out

if you even want your ex back.

 

Once you calm down and start thinking you might realise it was a bad match after all,

or you will see that it was a great match, but there were some issues.

- List these issues as something to work on when you get back together with your ex later on.

 

- You also need to examine your old failed relationship to see where it started to fall apart,

every clue you uncover will give you a better chance at getting your ex and keeping your ex.

 

- The bottom line is, no contact is not a 30 day thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down,

and evaluate your emotional state, work on the past problems - and plan for the future - with or without your ex.

- How will you know you are ready to meet/start reconnecting?:

When you call and ask them out to a short meeting (coffee).

(Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location.

You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her.

This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together.).

If they say «no» to the coffee, just kind of chuckle and nonchalantly say,

«it is only coffee...», if still no, you can calmly accept that without panicking.

Because you know she is saying no because she is not ready.

And you know you can always ask her another time.

 

So you go back to no contact, continue living your life, focusing on you, continue reading in the magic of making up,

using the fast forward technique whenever you feel desperate,

and months down the line, call again, and ask her out again.

 

Yes, this process I am suggesting, takes time, but nothing worth having is ever easy,

and all the best things in life are the results of hard work and a little pain.

 

In the end, that is what makes the good things great,

and that is what makes it all worth the struggle you/we are having now.

 

- The fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the «just friends zone», is to properly use no contact,

and the plan you get in the magic of making up, and stick to it.

 

When you feel ready, i. e. feeling a lot confident than you are feeling now,

and not needing to ask us «what should I do?»,

even then, wait another month or two, since you two do not evolve at the same rate.

 

There is a big difference between «going through the motions»,

like you are doing now,

sorry if I sound harsh, and actually personally evolving,

past the break up, past the old failed relationship, letting go of the past, moving on, etc.

 

I have to say I feel like you're rushing this (no contact, so that you can reconnect).

 

You are blindsided by:

«I have had 4 months of no contact! Wow! Pizza for everyone!

I am ready, since that is long, compared to others on this forum!»

 

I see it differently:

The fact that its been 4 months since all this started and you are still talking about being on the roller coaster -

or at least making me believe you are still on it -

should be a red flag to you that this girl is poison to your happiness.

 

Also, if you were ready you wouldn't have ended up talking till 5 in the morning.

That paragraph made me think of the «how i met your mother» episode:

Nothing good happens after 2 am.

 

Bahaha!

 

To reconnect you have to have a will of steel.

- Be in control of you and your emotions.

- You have to be emotionally ready, that is key to success.

- And you really have to have control over the situation.

 

I know that your meeting a few days ago, would have had a better ending (not making you confused) if you'd have limited your time with her.

 

But you didn't have a plan a few days ago,

so you didn't know not to limit your time with her, on the first get together.

 

I also I think your meeting actually started her personal evolution, and yours - give her (and you) time to evolve - alone.

 

And then you reconnect.

By that time you have gotten a plan, the magic of making up, and you will be ready.

[movingbackwards]

Great response. I really appreciate it. I am really trying to move on and get past it. I just know I'm helping her move on by not contacting her and it's driving me nuts! But maybe this is a good thing. Such a confusing state.

[movingbackwards]

I'm panicking I didn't make a good impression after our 4 month break. My house looked like a party house and that was one thing she really didn't enjoy about me. She just wants me to grow up. I had no idea she was going to be in my house that evening and it just looked like I had a party...which I tend to have people over to drink on the weekends. I'm afraid she's not contacting me because she is thinking "nope, he's the same, he hasn't improved his life...etc" Is this irrational? I'm going to really start trying to improve my life 10-fold but I want her to eventually see it. Not just for her but for me.

[movingbackwards]

movingbackwards wrote:

 

 

I also I think your meeting actually started her personal evolution, and yours - give her (and you) time to evolve - alone.

 

And then you reconnect.

By that time you have gotten a plan, the magic of making up, and you will be ready.

 

This really is phenomenal advice. I'm hoping that we are now able to both evolve over time. I'm just worried that every day I don't speak with her, I'm helping her get over me. I just wish I knew what she was thinking. Right now I feel if I don't contact her in the next month or so I WILL lose her because it may seem like I'm over her and don't care.

Edited November 4, 2013 by movingbackwards

[thora-tiki]

You are where everyone starts out after a break up, in the «panic phase» where you try to foresee the future,

and figure everything out overnight, and this just makes you even more confused - so stop it.

 

The real issue is that you are looking too far ahead and that will KILL your chances of success -

what does that mean?

 

You will not get your life back and you will stay an emotional mess

which will drive everything in your path away from you -

friends, family, pets, and even wild animals.

 

Don't go there.

 

You are making the ultimate mistake -

looking too far ahead

and trying to judge the out come so you can decide whether to quit or not.

 

You wrote:

I just know I'm helping her move on by not contacting her and it's driving me nuts!

 

Wha. Wha. Wha.

 

You have already lost her.

 

So you really can't lose her again.

 

You are broken up - you are no longer together.

Wondering about your exes feelings is a waste of energy.

 

Let the past go, and focus on the future, your future as a happy single person.

Get your life back, and then decide (without the love goggles)

if she is even worth the thoughts and feelings.

 

You have to take your personal evolution one step at a time.

 

Contrary to popular belief - time is on YOUR side - you do not have to hurry to get her back.

 

Rushing to get back together is usually the biggest reason people break up so many times in the first place.

Then after so many breakups, one or the other decides this relationship is permanently broken,

and leaves the relationship, but wants to stay friends.

Drama only creates more drama.

 

So stop feeding the drama monster with thoughts like:

«I'm just worried that every day I don't speak with her, I'm helping her get over me.»

 

Use these next months to focus on you:

You wrote:

I'm going to really start trying to improve my life 10-fold but I want her to eventually see it.

Not just for her but for me.

 

Great!

Start thinking and working on yourself!

Yes, sounds exiting, right.

 

Exercising, reading, talking on the phone with friends you haven't talked to in a while,

go see a play, clean out your closet, apartment, especially all her stuff.

So you don't cry when you see her stupid toothbrush.

Clean your list of friends on your phone, her friends are gone.

So is her number.

Since only seeing her name or their names when scrolling will hurt.

I deleted mutual friends, friends I had know for ten years, so even before dildo face,

I figured: if they want to keep in touch, it was their call. Hah!

 

They never tried to keep in touch.

Ah, what can you do?

Que, sera, sera.

 

Don't think about reconnecting with the ex.

Where do I begin!?

It is one of those things that gets easier the less you desire something.

 

No contact!

 

Just keep the faith and heal yourself and forget about the old failed relationship

till you no longer feel this crap you feel.

 

Then everything will look different, and then you decide what to do.

 

Try to not respond at all to her if she text or calls or whatever comes your way, for the time being.

 

In the meantime you should continue having fun and moving on.

 

You wrote:

Right now I feel if I don't contact her in the next month or so

I WILL lose her because it may seem like I'm over her and don't care.

 

You are treating no contact like it was some fu*king recipe.

 

Wait some a month, and then reconnect, a month is a dent, a vacation.

 

Look at you, you have had 4 months of no contact,

that is 120 days, and you are still acting like this is the first day after the break up.

 

A desperate state (the state you are in now, buddy) is never a good place to make decisions.

 

I am sorry if I am beating you whilst you are down.

 

You asked me for advice, but you need a kick in the ass, not just advice right now.

And I am happy to kick you in the ass.

 

If you feel that your ex is not responding it is probably because you,

and your ex, are not ready to reconnect,

but you will force things anyways - won't you.

 

And then you will wonder why it doesn't feel right.

 

If you don't have any hope you are fu*ked, and you shouldn't even be trying, you already gave up.

 

Part of getting your life back is letting go of the failed relationship.

 

If you keep that in mind, that right now you are letting go of the failed relationship and getting your life back.

 

I think it will quiet the voices that are causing you pain.

 

Whenever we stop focusing on our evolution and jump back into our ex's life,

then no one is tending to ours and the ruminating and obsessing begins

and creates all kinds of havoc and emotional turmoil for us.

 

Let go of the attachment of outcome and enjoy the journey of your evolution for now.

 

Once you truly have evolved you will know what to do, and say, and when to do it.

Everybody wants a magic number of days to use no contact, the magic of making up,

like they were baking a fu*king cake... «when is it going to be done?».

 

This process doesn't work that way, that is what I mean by get out of life's way, and let things happen.

P.s.: I still believe what I wrote:

I also I think your meeting actually started her personal evolution, and yours - give her (and you) time to evolve - alone.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, buddy

 

I thought you might need this chapter - today!

 

This chapter is the one chapter I still use weekly.

 

Hope this helps!Chapter 2:

Don’t Panic:

 

You’ve just had the conversation. Your ex and you are officially broken up. So what’s the next step?

Should you immediately call him or her on the phone to win back your love?

How about sending a thousand text messages professing your undying feelings?

 

These steps are perfectly normal occurrences for the average pair breaking things off,

but they’re not the best routes to returning your relationship. In fact, panic is the enemy.

 

Panic equals desperation – Desperation and being hot headed are the enemies.

 

In this chapter, we’ll talk about how you can suppress the panicky feelings you may be having,

show you how to calm down, and strategize about your relationship.

Where Does the Panic Come From?

You may be an otherwise very rational person,

but when it comes to the end of your relationship your brain cells just turn off and let your heart do the talking.

 

That’s how you end up drunk-dialing your ex to try to get back together,

cringing the next morning when you realize what you’ve done.

 

Why do you feel so crazy when it comes to love?

The panic you feel comes from the immediate loss of control that you experience.

 

One minute you’re laughing, having fun, and even arguing – but you know what to expect.

 

After a break-up you’re suddenly spun into a world of unknowns.

 

Even if you weren’t all that happy in your relationship, at least it was familiar.

 

You feel an immediate need to do something to help you regain that control.

So you choose to do a lot of things that actually end up making things worse.

 

Before you can do anything about regaining your relationship,

you have to dial down the panic and become a rational human being again.

 

Take a Break

Now that you’ve broken up with your significant other,

it’s important that you take a true break from your relationship.

 

In other words, you need to stop calling, emailing, stopping by,

or showing up at locations where you think your ex will be found.

 

You may think that the key to winning back your true love is to show him or her

how much you really care as soon as possible – before it’s too late to ever recover.

 

The truth is, you’ll end up causing your ex to feel alienated and even angrier with you.

When your emotions are raw and a break up is fresh, you’re more likely to:

 

- Say things that aren’t true

- Say things that will push your ex’s buttons

- Try to make your ex feel jealous

- Use unkind words to make your ex feel bad

- Behave like a stalker

- Taunt your ex and rehash old arguments

- Seek revenge

As you can see, nothing in the above list is very attractive.

 

These aren’t good strategies for getting your ex to return to you –

but because you’re panicking, they seem like perfectly good ways to get back into your relationship.

 

Instead, you need to allow yourself to have a cooling off period.

Look at your calendar and choose a period of time of about a month.

(My comment, change that one month to at least: 90-180 days)

Circle the date that falls about a month (90-180 days) from now.

That is the next day you can allow yourself to talk to your ex.

If you feel like calling, emailing, or visiting your ex before that date, STOP!

 

Yes, you’ll be thinking about him or her, but you can’t allow your feelings

to override the break that you both need.

 

If you really want to get back with your ex,

you need time to clear your head and become rational again.

Then you’ll be able to see where things truly fell apart.

 

You’ll also be able to open real lines of communication

when there’s a little time and distance between the two of you.

 

You Need This Time

Staying away from your ex is really important because it allows you to ride out

the panicky feelings and move into a more strategic mode.

 

You’ll need this time of time so that you can plan your strategy well.

 

You also need to cool off from the emotions that always surround a breakup.

There may be a very specific reason that your relationship ended, but during those initial days,

you may have a hard time focusing on what needs to change.

 

Instead you’re focused on your feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hurt.

 

Giving yourself some time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you

to accomplish what you really want in the end – reconciliation.

 

They Need This Time

You may have heard the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

If you want to get back with your ex, you need to give him or her time to miss you.

How can they miss you when you won’t leave them alone?

 

So, while your initial reaction may be to try to keep in constant contact,

it will surely backfire. Allow your ex to have a chance to get some distance from the breakup as well.

 

You want your ex to feel like you respect him, like you understand his concerns, and begin to miss you.

Taking a real break allows all three of these things to happen.

 

Giving your former relationship partner a break also helps you to appear mature,

calm, cool, and collected – even if you aren’t there just yet.

 

These are all attractive qualities in a mate.

Give Yourself a Break

What can you do during this time? If you’re not spending time with your relationship partner,

you may really not know what to do with yourself.

 

Here are a few ideas for keeping yourself busy the first few weeks.

 

Reconnect With Old Friends

During a relationship, couples often isolate themselves from friends.

Take this opportunity to catch up on old times with the people you care about in your life.

 

This is a nice distraction when you’re suffering from a breakup.

Just don’t make your breakup the focus of all of your conversations.

 

Renew a Hobby

Is there a hobby you enjoy that you’ve neglected?

 

Take a few weeks to get back into it without feeling guilty

of the time spent doing something other than worshiping your boy/girlfriend.

 

Whether you enjoy going hiking, photography, or playing an instrument,

now’s the time to focus on something that really interests you as an individual.

You might also meet some new friends to help take your mind off of the old pain.

 

Focus More Energy at Work

Is there an area of your career you’ve been neglecting?

 

Now is the perfect time to put in a few extra hours at the office.

 

You won’t be tempted to make a phone call too early if you’re busy getting things done at your workplace.

 

Avoiding Depression

It’s normal for people to feel blue after a breakup.

 

But it’s critical that you don’t fall into a pit of despair when you’re working toward getting back together.

 

You don’t want to make it even harder by falling into depression.

 

Here are some things you need to avoid during this time.

 

- Sleeping all day

- Staying at home instead of accepting invitations to go out

- Drowning yourself in alcohol (especially because it leads to drunk-dialing and text messaging)

- Telling everyone who will listen about your break up

- Making any major life decisions

- Calling in sick to work

 

While it may be tempting to hole up in your bed watching Jerry Springer all day,

you need to continue living your life.

 

Wake up early, get plenty of exercise, get to work on time,

and fill your day with things you enjoy.

Managing Your Feelings Using - The Fast Forward Technique

 

The fast forward technique has many uses,

but one of the best is for getting over the pain of loss.

If you commit to performing this three times a day at least, you will be amazed.

 

STEP 1:

Feel whatever it is you are feeling and notice how and where you feel it.

For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart

(that is why it is called heart break).

 

But, that may or may not be true for you.

 

Now just focus on your feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following:

 

- Can I allow this feeling?

Or

- Can I welcome this feeling?

 

And then answer.

It doesn’t matter if it is a Yes or No.

 

STEP 2:

Ask “Could I let this feeling go?”

Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.

 

STEP 3

Ask “Would I let this feeling go?”

Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.

 

STEP 4

Ask “When?”

I used to answer: either never, now, in a few months, etc.

You get the picture.

 

STEP 5

Now examine the feeling again.

Does it feel different? Did you feel a shift?

 

The shift is different for everyone, but is a sign of small healing.

 

You want to feel how your feeling has changed and repeat steps 1 thru 5.

 

The Fast Forward Technique should not be a struggle.

 

In fact, it will usually feel quite warm and soothing.

 

You will want to do 2 or 3 sessions a day.

 

One session may be 5 or 6 repetitions or more through the 5 steps.»

[Mariposa10]

Hi, buddy

 

I thought you might need this chapter - today!

 

This chapter is the one chapter I still use weekly.

 

Hope this helps!Chapter 2:

Don’t Panic:

 

You’ve just had the conversation. Your ex and you are officially broken up. So what’s the next step?

Should you immediately call him or her on the phone to win back your love?

How about sending a thousand text messages professing your undying feelings?

 

These steps are perfectly normal occurrences for the average pair breaking things off,

but they’re not the best routes to returning your relationship. In fact, panic is the enemy.

 

Panic equals desperation – Desperation and being hot headed are the enemies.

 

In this chapter, we’ll talk about how you can suppress the panicky feelings you may be having,

show you how to calm down, and strategize about your relationship.

Where Does the Panic Come From?

You may be an otherwise very rational person,

but when it comes to the end of your relationship your brain cells just turn off and let your heart do the talking.

 

That’s how you end up drunk-dialing your ex to try to get back together,

cringing the next morning when you realize what you’ve done.

 

Why do you feel so crazy when it comes to love?

The panic you feel comes from the immediate loss of control that you experience.

 

One minute you’re laughing, having fun, and even arguing – but you know what to expect.

 

After a break-up you’re suddenly spun into a world of unknowns.

 

Even if you weren’t all that happy in your relationship, at least it was familiar.

 

You feel an immediate need to do something to help you regain that control.

So you choose to do a lot of things that actually end up making things worse.

 

Before you can do anything about regaining your relationship,

you have to dial down the panic and become a rational human being again.

 

Take a Break

Now that you’ve broken up with your significant other,

it’s important that you take a true break from your relationship.

 

In other words, you need to stop calling, emailing, stopping by,

or showing up at locations where you think your ex will be found.

 

You may think that the key to winning back your true love is to show him or her

how much you really care as soon as possible – before it’s too late to ever recover.

 

The truth is, you’ll end up causing your ex to feel alienated and even angrier with you.

When your emotions are raw and a break up is fresh, you’re more likely to:

 

- Say things that aren’t true

- Say things that will push your ex’s buttons

- Try to make your ex feel jealous

- Use unkind words to make your ex feel bad

- Behave like a stalker

- Taunt your ex and rehash old arguments

- Seek revenge

As you can see, nothing in the above list is very attractive.

 

These aren’t good strategies for getting your ex to return to you –

but because you’re panicking, they seem like perfectly good ways to get back into your relationship.

 

Instead, you need to allow yourself to have a cooling off period.

Look at your calendar and choose a period of time of about a month.

(My comment, change that one month to at least: 90-180 days)

Circle the date that falls about a month (90-180 days) from now.

That is the next day you can allow yourself to talk to your ex.

If you feel like calling, emailing, or visiting your ex before that date, STOP!

 

Yes, you’ll be thinking about him or her, but you can’t allow your feelings

to override the break that you both need.

 

If you really want to get back with your ex,

you need time to clear your head and become rational again.

Then you’ll be able to see where things truly fell apart.

 

You’ll also be able to open real lines of communication

when there’s a little time and distance between the two of you.

 

You Need This Time

Staying away from your ex is really important because it allows you to ride out

the panicky feelings and move into a more strategic mode.

 

You’ll need this time of time so that you can plan your strategy well.

 

You also need to cool off from the emotions that always surround a breakup.

There may be a very specific reason that your relationship ended, but during those initial days,

you may have a hard time focusing on what needs to change.

 

Instead you’re focused on your feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hurt.

 

Giving yourself some time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you

to accomplish what you really want in the end – reconciliation.

 

They Need This Time

You may have heard the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

If you want to get back with your ex, you need to give him or her time to miss you.

How can they miss you when you won’t leave them alone?

 

So, while your initial reaction may be to try to keep in constant contact,

it will surely backfire. Allow your ex to have a chance to get some distance from the breakup as well.

 

You want your ex to feel like you respect him, like you understand his concerns, and begin to miss you.

Taking a real break allows all three of these things to happen.

 

Giving your former relationship partner a break also helps you to appear mature,

calm, cool, and collected – even if you aren’t there just yet.

 

These are all attractive qualities in a mate.

Give Yourself a Break

What can you do during this time? If you’re not spending time with your relationship partner,

you may really not know what to do with yourself.

 

Here are a few ideas for keeping yourself busy the first few weeks.

 

Reconnect With Old Friends

During a relationship, couples often isolate themselves from friends.

Take this opportunity to catch up on old times with the people you care about in your life.

 

This is a nice distraction when you’re suffering from a breakup.

Just don’t make your breakup the focus of all of your conversations.

 

Renew a Hobby

Is there a hobby you enjoy that you’ve neglected?

 

Take a few weeks to get back into it without feeling guilty

of the time spent doing something other than worshiping your boy/girlfriend.

 

Whether you enjoy going hiking, photography, or playing an instrument,

now’s the time to focus on something that really interests you as an individual.

You might also meet some new friends to help take your mind off of the old pain.

 

Focus More Energy at Work

Is there an area of your career you’ve been neglecting?

 

Now is the perfect time to put in a few extra hours at the office.

 

You won’t be tempted to make a phone call too early if you’re busy getting things done at your workplace.

 

Avoiding Depression

It’s normal for people to feel blue after a breakup.

 

But it’s critical that you don’t fall into a pit of despair when you’re working toward getting back together.

 

You don’t want to make it even harder by falling into depression.

 

Here are some things you need to avoid during this time.

 

- Sleeping all day

- Staying at home instead of accepting invitations to go out

- Drowning yourself in alcohol (especially because it leads to drunk-dialing and text messaging)

- Telling everyone who will listen about your break up

- Making any major life decisions

- Calling in sick to work

 

While it may be tempting to hole up in your bed watching Jerry Springer all day,

you need to continue living your life.

 

Wake up early, get plenty of exercise, get to work on time,

and fill your day with things you enjoy.

Managing Your Feelings Using - The Fast Forward Technique

 

The fast forward technique has many uses,

but one of the best is for getting over the pain of loss.

If you commit to performing this three times a day at least, you will be amazed.

 

STEP 1:

Feel whatever it is you are feeling and notice how and where you feel it.

For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart

(that is why it is called heart break).

 

But, that may or may not be true for you.

 

Now just focus on your feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following:

 

- Can I allow this feeling?

Or

- Can I welcome this feeling?

 

And then answer.

It doesn’t matter if it is a Yes or No.

 

STEP 2:

Ask “Could I let this feeling go?”

Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.

 

STEP 3

Ask “Would I let this feeling go?”

Again, a Yes or No is acceptable.

 

STEP 4

Ask “When?”

I used to answer: either never, now, in a few months, etc.

You get the picture.

 

STEP 5

Now examine the feeling again.

Does it feel different? Did you feel a shift?

 

The shift is different for everyone, but is a sign of small healing.

 

You want to feel how your feeling has changed and repeat steps 1 thru 5.

 

The Fast Forward Technique should not be a struggle.

 

In fact, it will usually feel quite warm and soothing.

 

You will want to do 2 or 3 sessions a day.

 

One session may be 5 or 6 repetitions or more through the 5 steps.»

 

 

If I had only come to this forum right after dildo face and I broken up, would've been able to keep my dignity and sanity! However, now that I think about it, I truly admire people who can get this message inside their heads the first time they hear it. It's sooo hard to fight the withdrawal symptoms...

[movingbackwards]

This has all been really great advice. I appreciate it. She texted me last night after I went back to no contact. She hates NC. She's upset that I wont be in her life as a friend. Well, she said she didn't want us to worry about being in a relationship but she wanted to rekindle a friendship. Not happening. I just hate the hot and cold. Figure it out...

[movingbackwards]

So here we are down the line about 5 months now. We were together 6 years. She left me for another guy (GIGS) and ignored me while I was pining for her after the break up. I did what I could to get her back. She came in contact with me again after a few months stating she was sorry and I accepted it. I went back to NC and it drove her nuts that we can't be friends or anything. Well, she came back to me and came to talk to me after they "broke up" because he was apparently pretty psychotic. When she came to talk to me I mentioned them being in "love" and she rolled her eyes. She cried to me about our relationship and her new one which I told her I wanted to know nothing about.

 

Anyways, she hinted around at getting back together and "if" and "when" and all that but I didn't read too much into it. SO after she left, I went straight back to NC. She continues to text me a week later saying that I "hate her" now and all this. We mutually decide we're not right for each other and it's time to move on, but we will remain friends. I'm okay with this and we talk and she once again consoles me and tells me how sorry she is and she wishes it didn't happen the way it did. She still said "in the future maybe ..."... Anyways, I went back to NC after that discussion and sent her a text on my birthday making a joke (probably a bad idea) I got no response and no birthday wish. She hasn't spoken to me since and is back to completely ignoring me. I peeped her social media and saw things from her new ex about loving her and all this posted the other day. The ignoring on the birthday thing was a little rough. I spent a long time with this woman and thought I had smoothed it over finally so we could both heal.

 

I'm not trying to read too much into it but I assume he gave her an ultimatum. Why would she go back to someone that was abusive and someone she stated she has no feelings for him? If anything I don't care that they're back together honestly. Better for me as I would have a hard time with her being single, but really she can't even go out of her way to wish me a happy birthday? After discussing we could maintain a friendship? It's funny how someone you think you really know, you don't know at all. Now I really have ZERO desire to ever see her again and I guess that's what I always wanted. I guess I'm just confused why I'm so susceptible to getting taken advantage of. I try to be kind and do things right and people always tend to f*ck me over.

Edited November 9, 2013 by movingbackwards