What makes the OW brag about being in a relationship with a MM?

[Raena]

I don't believe you're reading her right. And what's more, you're in denial.

 

Denial? What exactly am I in denial of? I said it very succinctly in my post... having an affair with a married man is NOT normal. That's is exactly what I posted and I stand by it. I don't see how that is denial. What I'm saying is that healthy or not, it is NOT normal to seek out a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship and then become upset when it doesn't work out the way you had hoped. And then add to it by blasting the BS(me) as if I was the one that caused the problem in the first place. HER anger is misplaced, not mine. Trust me, I'm plenty upset with him too.

 

And I hate to break it to you, but the OW is not nor ever will be part of my history. My history is with my ex, not with her. The fact that she is trying to force herself into my life makes her look like a psycho.

 

And... as I stated before... this thread isn't about his actions. That is a completely different thread. It is about HER actions towards me after the fact. She had no right to be involved with him in the first place and she certainly has no right to degrade me and rub my nose in the fact that they were together afterwards. THAT is what this thread is about. What she should feel is shame and embarrassment that she got herself into that situation in the first place rather than trying to place the blame on me.

 

Filling this thread full of nonsense about how we should feel sorry for the OW because she wasn't given closure and place all the blame on the WS is exactly that... nonsense. He didn't cheat alone and she wasn't a blind participant. She knew what was going on and she allowed herself to be in that position.

[ComingInHot]

Okay maybe something, the point of this thread to be exact, got lost after off topic posts. The question IS WHY is the exOW Still acting out towards, who is now, the exWife?? Why is exOW posting All of her msconduct of the A online?

 

This is about what and how of exOW's actions AFTER the A has been brought to light, ended & a D has taken place.

 

The exOW should absolutely NOT be D'd W's "problem" any longer, yet exOW is STILL trying to insert herself into D'd W's life.

 

To me, there I No "closure" that need or could be given by D'd Wife, wanted by exOW or ExH.

 

Explain THAT??!

[KathyM]

The question IS WHY is the exOW Still acting out towards, who is now, the exWife?? Why is exOW posting All of her msconduct of the A online?

As the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." The OW is very angry that she was used, and probably lied to, and then tossed aside. She wants to make him pay, and she is carrying out her anger online. She is angry at both of them (the WS and the BS). Her anger at the BS is misplaced, of course, since the BS didn't even know of the affair, and is the innocent party in this, but somehow she perceives the married couple as the culprit who wronged her. This was true in my sister's case where the OW (2nd OW) became a bunny boiler. She kept calling the house, making threats, and the police had to be called to stop her harassment. In the OP's case, the OW is posting/exposing the affair relationship as a means to get revenge on the couple that she feels has wronged her.

[thecharade]

I specifically wanted and needed out of the A because I never saw the BS as competition or as the enemy. The idea of she and I fighting over him bothered me. She and I maybe loved the same man, yes, but I had no interest in competing. I told my exAP when I fully understood the dynamic clearly (which took a while), "If you are ever free, contact me. We'll see where we're at in our lives." If he genuinely wanted out of the committed relationship he was in, then that was one thing. But him ALLOWING or even CREATING a situation where she and I would each think we were loved and then compete or beg to keep him? Hellzzzz no! He's not worth us degrading ourselves like that. Nobody is! He is simply NOT allowed to be a cake eater and want both of us! I don't care about his reasons. Do. Not. Care. My exMM created the situation by bringing me into his life when he had no intention of exiting the one he had. (He was quite evasive on the subject.) I am still angered and insulted, both for myself and his W, over that fact.

 

I will never understand blaming the BS for any of this. And I do think that OW who are so disrespectful are simply unhealthy in their interpersonal skills and/or self-esteem. But, when I came out of my A fog and saw the truth, my crazy, bunny boiler, erratic, desperate, extreme emotions scared me. I had never felt rage like that, and it was all directed at exMM. (Never acted on, thank god.) People do behave out of character in these things; emotions run very, very high. I had never had such ugly thoughts in my life, and if people don't have healthy coping skills, I can see why they'd behave inappropriately. The perfect storm. Who do I blame? The men who invited the crazy in, not the crazy person. There was only one person holding all the cards and when they lose the game they are playing, they need to accept their position of power and now accept responsibility for the ugly outcome. Cake eaters hurt everyone and deserve no one.

[Raena]

I specifically wanted and needed out of the A because I never saw the BS as competition or as the enemy. The idea of she and I fighting over him bothered me. She and I maybe loved the same man, yes, but I had no interest in competing. I told my exAP when I fully understood the dynamic clearly (which took a while), "If you are ever free, contact me. We'll see where we're at in our lives." If he genuinely wanted out of the committed relationship he was in, then that was one thing. But him ALLOWING or even CREATING a situation where she and I would each think we were loved and then compete or beg to keep him? Hellzzzz no! He's not worth us degrading ourselves like that. Nobody is! He is simply NOT allowed to be a cake eater and want both of us! I don't care about his reasons. Do. Not. Care. My exMM created the situation by bringing me into his life when he had no intention of exiting the one he had. (He was quite evasive on the subject.) I am still angered and insulted, both for myself and his W, over that fact.

 

I will never understand blaming the BS for any of this. And I do think that OW who are so disrespectful are simply unhealthy in their interpersonal skills and/or self-esteem. But, when I came out of my A fog and saw the truth, my crazy, bunny boiler, erratic, desperate, extreme emotions scared me. I had never felt rage like that, and it was all directed at exMM. (Never acted on, thank god.) People do behave out of character in these things; emotions run very, very high. I had never had such ugly thoughts in my life, and if people don't have healthy coping skills, I can see why they'd behave inappropriately. The perfect storm. Who do I blame? The men who invited the crazy in, not the crazy person. There was only one person holding all the cards and when they lose the game they are playing, they need to accept their position of power and now accept responsibility for the ugly outcome. Cake eaters hurt everyone and deserve no one.

 

Ok see now what you are saying makes sense to me. You didn't go into your situation believing that if he stayed with her that would be ok with you. I also respect you for realizing what your role was in all of it and seeing the picture clearly and then removing yourself when you realized that he was cake eating. That takes courage and strength of character.

 

I don't know what you did with your angry feelings, but I suspect you weren't taking it out on the BS in your situation.

[Steadfast]

And... as I stated before... this thread isn't about his actions. That is a completely different thread. It is about HER actions towards me after the fact. She had no right to be involved with him in the first place and she certainly has no right to degrade me and rub my nose in the fact that they were together afterwards. THAT is what this thread is about. What she should feel is shame and embarrassment that she got herself into that situation in the first place rather than trying to place the blame on me.

 

No right? Who says? Your husband, that's who. This woman wouldn't matter if he had kept his promises. Can you see that? What she feels, says, does or posts online only affects you because of him.

 

Sorry...your background is unclear to me. Did you divorce this husband or did you reconcile? I assumed from your original post it was the latter.

 

Filling this thread full of nonsense about how we should feel sorry for the OW because she wasn't given closure and place all the blame on the WS is exactly that... nonsense. He didn't cheat alone and she wasn't a blind participant. She knew what was going on and she allowed herself to be in that position.

 

I never advocated feeling 'sorry' for a cheater, or even understanding.

 

Thing is, she didn't promise to be faithful to you. He did. The world is full of all kinds and frankly, you shouldn't be surprised at anything she does. Call her what you want; home wrecker, slut, weasel or liar, just don't call her responsible for your marriage problems. That's all on your cheating spouse.

 

If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. He wanted it.

 

Once again; your anger is misdirected. But as a former BS, I understand. There are men walking around that slept with my ex-wife and if I knew who they were, I'd be tempted to do something. But deep down, I know who is at fault...even of that realization hurts more than blaming them.

 

This anger isn't healthy. Read closer Raena. Think harder. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm on your side. Few things are harder to deal with.

[thecharade]

Raena, his BS was NEVER to be hurt, as far as I was concerned, unless he felt certain he wanted/needed to D (and I don't know if he could have been sure with me around, but I was projecting. I wanted out of my M so assumed he did too, since he was involved with me). I would often say towards the end of our A, "I don't understand, you can't get a D but want to stay in the A? Won't you crush the very woman you don't want to D?" He would answer, "Well, I guess when you put it like that." DUH! There is no other way to put it!!!! I really started to lose respect for him as I realized what it was he was truly hoping to keep up. Yuck.

 

My anger? I wrote him hateful e-mails 2 or 3 times, telling him hurtful things and planning his demise. Then I would end it with, "It's a good thing I have far too much compassion and concern for your wife and kids in all this, because that is what is saving your @ss from my rage!" I cannot tell you how glad I was that my anger manifested itself in words and not actions. I would have been full of regret if I had acted out towards him. His W did not at all deserve my crazy arriving at her doorstep simply because her husband is a manipulative, lying, two-faced idiot. I wanted to protect his family and still do.

 

I can see how BSs need to direct much rage at OW because I felt that same type of rage, and I could direct it at him fully because I wanted him out of my life. I could see him as worthless scum who deserved to die alone because I didn't think him worthy of me anymore. I didn't want him. His ability to go forward with our A for years --knowing full well that I would be hurt AND his wife would be hurt--stole my respect for him. And I didn't need it anymore because he had shown me who he was. I was free to feel all my hate and kill the love. But then, what does a BS do with those same feelings if she wants to keep him? Very tough stuff.

[thecharade]

P.S. Back to your question. Why do OW hate or rage at BSs? Because they want to keep their feelings for exMM, at least somewhat. Thinking "It's not all him, it's also her," right? Which is why BSs rage at OW. IMO, all the anger should be at the one getting all the benefit, the one holding all the power: the WS who is cake eating. They hurt everyone. But blaming them fully makes coupling with them very, very tough.

[thecharade]

I'm venting a smidge, but one more thing.

 

One of my 'favorite' telling moments came when I first asked him, "What are we going to do?" And he replied, completely perplexed, "Do????" Ha! I thought we had a problem to figure out, what with straddling two relationships, and he felt he had stumbled into a solution!!!!! Good grief, we were NOT on the same page from that moment forward. Cake eating as a solution? Beyond unfair to everyone but the cake eater. Everyone.

[sweet_pea]

I didn't even realize that you are divorcing from him. Wow, so she's doing all of this and you aren't even with him? I think she's doing this to hurt your ex, possibly? Or both of you, if she doesn't know that you guys are split.

 

As a side note, WS get 100% of the blame for their actions. Why is it that some OW can't accept responsibility for their role as well?

[Raena]

She is posting pics on facebook (her facebook) to get at you?? or your MM?? Her anger is just anger, you are looking??? What is it that she is doing that forces herself in your life (sorry if I misunderstood)... is she sending you letters? It all sounds a lot of assuming and heresay apart from the internet stuff?

 

IMO if you are divorcing your H, why isn't he doing something about it if it is now his problem.

 

AND where do other woman BRAG on here about being with a MM. I certainly don't think they do, it is just pain pain pain.

 

As for history, your H should be history.

 

I never said other woman on here brag about being with a MM. I said the OW I know in my situation is bragging.

 

Yes, I explained where and how she was posting all of this information online... on facebook and on twitter. It isn't hearsay... it is what I witnessed her writing herself and yes, I was looking.

 

I never said I was reconciling with him, we are done.

[Raena]

I didn't even realize that you are divorcing from him. Wow, so she's doing all of this and you aren't even with him? I think she's doing this to hurt your ex, possibly? Or both of you, if she doesn't know that you guys are split.

 

As a side note, WS get 100% of the blame for their actions. Why is it that some OW can't accept responsibility for their role as well?

 

Yes, he and I are done. She knows we are split up.

[LilGirlandOW]

I never said other woman on here brag about being with a MM. I said the OW I know in my situation is bragging.

 

Yes, I explained where and how she was posting all of this information online... on facebook and on twitter. It isn't hearsay... it is what I witnessed her writing herself and yes, I was looking.

 

I never said I was reconciling with him, we are done.

 

If its on her facebook and twitter, easiest solution would be stop snooping, and move on.

[LilGirlandOW]

The OW (in some cases) wants to present the truth of the A to the BS because the closest truth you will get to the actual events and timeline of the A come from the OW.

 

My question is, to the BS who choose to stay with the WS, after the WS gets caught and runs like a sewer rat, hiding behind NC, why the fear of hearing how horribly your "dear husband" treated another woman?

 

Is this a basic rugsweeping coping thing, to just hear the WS "extreme tip of the iceburg truth"?

 

Most of the times the OW has actual proof to back up whats she's saying, and you can thank the WS, but I dont understand how you as the BS can ever get full closure and move onto a healthy relationship with the WS knowing you ONLY have his sugar coated series of events

[ComingInHot]

lilgirl, It is really coming across that You are hurting right now. I've never seen you post this way, showing so much "anger" or is it "hurt" towards ghe BS.

I Truly hope you are Okay.

 

Thing is, to me, having all the "details" doesn't mean jack crap to a-lot of BS's. We Know they cheated. We learn what we NEED to learn to make the next choice For Us.

It's not up to the OW/exOW to decide what we "should"/"should not" know. I think it's different for each BS what they decide is enough knowledge a part from the heartwrenching A.

 

So often it is written that the BS has Nothing to do w/the A relationship between WS & AP. Now, in this thread, the AP IS the BS's "problem" as much as the WS.

 

I'm getting whiplash people...*

[HopingAgain]

The OW (in some cases) wants to present the truth of the A to the BS because the closest truth you will get to the actual events and timeline of the A come from the OW.

 

My question is, to the BS who choose to stay with the WS, after the WS gets caught and runs like a sewer rat, hiding behind NC, why the fear of hearing how horribly your "dear husband" treated another woman?

 

Is this a basic rugsweeping coping thing, to just hear the WS "extreme tip of the iceburg truth"?

 

Most of the times the OW has actual proof to back up whats she's saying, and you can thank the WS, but I dont understand how you as the BS can ever get full closure and move onto a healthy relationship with the WS knowing you ONLY have his sugar coated series of events

 

I tried to get answers from OW regarding her version of truth and she dodged me like the POS coward she is. All the while she was trying to resume affair with my husband. So yeah when he discarded her like yesterdays trash with no further contact I didbt bat an eye. All OW arent these noble creatures you are portraying.Sometimes the truth does come from WS after all as it should.

Edited November 2, 2013 by HopingAgain

[Raena]

If its on her facebook and twitter, easiest solution would be stop snooping, and move on.

 

You know, I already answered these questions in a previous post... she directs her comments at me directly on twitter and the facebook stuff I saw because she tagged my WS and he was on my friends list. So I SAW what she was writing even if I wasn't "snooping" as you so eloquently put it.

[Raena]

lilgirl, It is really coming across that You are hurting right now. I've never seen you post this way, showing so much "anger" or is it "hurt" towards ghe BS.

I Truly hope you are Okay.

 

Thing is, to me, having all the "details" doesn't mean jack crap to a-lot of BS's. We Know they cheated. We learn what we NEED to learn to make the next choice For Us.

It's not up to the OW/exOW to decide what we "should"/"should not" know. I think it's different for each BS what they decide is enough knowledge a part from the heartwrenching A.

 

So often it is written that the BS has Nothing to do w/the A relationship between WS & AP. Now, in this thread, the AP IS the BS's "problem" as much as the WS.

 

I'm getting whiplash people...*

 

 

Agreed... knowing all the details isn't really all that important. If I were to reconcile with him, then perhaps the details would be more important to me. I say perhaps, because with all of the hurt that I'm feeling right now, adding to it by knowing about every little thing they did and said together is like the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. I don't need to know it... and I don't really care what her feelings are either... right now I'm focusing on me and my needs.

Yes, she made herself my problem when she chose to blast me. Easily enough ignored at this point, but why she did it(what I wrote in OP) in the first place is incomprehensible to me.

[ComingInHot]

I hear you there. Why would Anyone do things that would A.) Make them look like they have no soul. & B.) Just be so Mean ??

Haven't both A parties done enough already?!!?

I am so genuinely sorry you're going through this NW, after EVERYTHING else.

Just know you are greatly loved by Many so don't let One person Who has yet to grasp the meaning of love, interfere w/your future and pending happiness just because they cannot let go.

 

CIH*

[Spark1111]

The OW (in some cases) wants to present the truth of the A to the BS because the closest truth you will get to the actual events and timeline of the A come from the OW.

 

My question is, to the BS who choose to stay with the WS, after the WS gets caught and runs like a sewer rat, hiding behind NC, why the fear of hearing how horribly your "dear husband" treated another woman?

 

Is this a basic rugsweeping coping thing, to just hear the WS "extreme tip of the iceburg truth"?

 

Most of the times the OW has actual proof to back up whats she's saying, and you can thank the WS, but I dont understand how you as the BS can ever get full closure and move onto a healthy relationship with the WS knowing you ONLY have his sugar coated series of events

 

Because his OW ran like a sewer rat too?

 

Most OW do not return a phone call, let alone want to tell you anything about YOUR sewer rat spouse who they hope is going home to crash and burn the marriage and go crawling back to their one true love, the OW.

 

What planet do you live on?

 

You have been reading here long enough to have heard...move on..their relationship is their problem...don't get involved, blah, blah, blah

 

And no offense, but OW KNOW he was treating his spouse like crap during the affair, so why are APs always so shocked when they become the recipient of the same crappy behavior?

 

Oh wait, they were his true love....yeah, right....

[Spark1111]

raena....her H dumped her and you are divorcing him....

 

So why oh why is SHE attacking you?

 

Aren't they free to be together now?

[Raena]

raena....her H dumped her and you are divorcing him....

 

So why oh why is SHE attacking you?

 

Aren't they free to be together now?

 

That's the million dollar question! Turns out... he doesn't want her either.

[krazikat]

I'm not sure why its so hard for some people to understand when your husband decides to take on an OW, shes now both of your problem! Some are meek and sweet, some are bunny boiling beotches, thats the gamble your DH's make with his and your (the BS's) life. For better or for worse, Blame the husband!

 

Good for you OP, for not putting up with a cheating SOB

 

A scorned OW who doesnt get the closure they feel they deserve is a force to be reckoned with. Affair's ARE normal relationships, per say, when your doting DH takes on an OW, she becomes a part of your marraige, period.

 

Wow, interesting train of thought here, lil girl. So, just to make sire I understand the whole A/OW/BS.dynamic:

 

1. On DDay, if OW gets dropped like a bad habit with no "closure" it is all MM fault...possibly even BS fault, if OW goes all bunny boiler...even if OW knew the stakes of the game...oh also a "force to be reckoned with."

 

However...

 

2. On DDay when BS learns of her cheating, lying husbands way, she is to self soothe and not get mad, and OW has no blame at all, even if OW knew MM was MM and just didnt care. BS must be composed and has no right to be upset...afterall, BS was just a room mate. Blah blah blah.

 

Thank you for enlightening me with that nugget of OW logic, lilgirl. Very fascinating stuff.

[krazikat]

I don't believe you're reading her right. And what's more, you're in denial.

 

I'll never agree with the justification, but affair relationships are normal because they elicit the same emotional responses as 'normal' monogamous relationships. Some of those can be need, desire, flights of fancy and affection withdraw. A relationship is a relationship. Healthy or not.

 

Raena, your husband is 100% to blame. She may not be part of your everyday life, but she will always be a part of your history. Again, your husband made sure of that. Both of you will need twice (or more) the amount of love and understanding needed to maintain your marriage had he not cheated. For now, your anger is misdirected. You wish to live and combat her actions as a 'team' with your husband but he betrayed you.

 

The healthy thing is to acknowledge this and move on. Me? I advise divorcing all cheaters because I believe once that's happened the innocence of the marriage is lost. Some reunite after divorce, some choose to dismiss liars from their lives and seek more productive relationships. Yes; the OW is a twit. One that your hubbie had sex with. Good foundations start with the truth and reality. That's what you need now.

 

Have you even read her thread? If you did, then you know op is divorcing her husband.

 

Meh, read the thread. Then post. That way, your post will actually be relevent to the discussion.

[krazikat]

The OW (in some cases) wants to present the truth of the A to the BS because the closest truth you will get to the actual events and timeline of the A come from the OW.

 

My question is, to the BS who choose to stay with the WS, after the WS gets caught and runs like a sewer rat, hiding behind NC, why the fear of hearing how horribly your "dear husband" treated another woman?

 

Is this a basic rugsweeping coping thing, to just hear the WS "extreme tip of the iceburg truth"?

 

Most of the times the OW has actual proof to back up whats she's saying, and you can thank the WS, but I dont understand how you as the BS can ever get full closure and move onto a healthy relationship with the WS knowing you ONLY have his sugar coated series of events

 

Lil, not every BS even cares to know all the details. Some want to know everything, others may just want to know it happened.

 

I decided to stay with my h, I have my reasons. I also had only a few questions I wanted answered. If OW in my sitch kept calling, emailing, posting, messaging me things FROM AN ENDED RELATIONSHIP...why the heck would I care? I dont care what wh said to that broad last year. It is desperite and pathetic for someone to harrass a person who was not even aware of the relationship after the relationship has ended, for whatever reason.

 

I mean, if OW wanted to make sure the bs knew details about the A, why didnt she try to tell bs from the get go? Why wait until you have been dumped? Perhaps of ow contacted bs in the beginning, ow would know just how much mm is minimizing the relationship with bs. Butshoot, that would take all the fun out of it! Truth and integrity is over rated.