Is it ok to date other guys while still seeing him?

[gypsy25]

So I've been dating this guy now for about 6 months. We get along really great, have a ton in common, have mutual friends, and are in the same business. About 2 months ago I had "the talk" with him about where we stand and how I am getting to the point where I don't feel comfortable with him seeing other girls. He's 25 I'm 21 and he said that at this point in his life he doesn't want to get too attached to someone and he wanted a non-commital relationship. I got upset and broke up with him and then he wanted me back and still wanted to see me so I went back to him. We never really cleared up if he stil feels this way but I'm assuming he does. I told him that I loved him, which I think I did because he is really my first real boyfriend and I have never felt this way about anyone in the past so I told him this. You would think it would scare him off but he loves hearing it. He tells me to say it during sex and at other various times, although he never says it back. I don't particularly know how he feels about me and I don't want to press the issue because I am comfortable where we are at this point. Truth is, I wouldn't mind seeing other people but at the same time seeing him. Is this wrong? I mean we call each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" but we have never commited ourselves to each other in words. He said he wouldn't want to know if I was seeing other guys. But I get asked out by guys constantly and if I met someone I really clicked with and was attracted to I would date them in a second. I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but as far as looks are concerned, I am way out of his league so it is hard for me to cope with why he wouldn't want me for himself. The reason I haven't had many other relationships is because I am very shy and have never felt ready until now to have one. I see him about once a week and we rarely talk on the phone, so to me this is more of a friends with benefits type relationship except that I have told him I loved him and he knows how strongly I feel for him. I guess do you think it would be really immoral and cruel if I started dating other guys while I still saw him? I wouldn't tell him cause he said he didn't want to know. What do you think?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by gypsy25

he said that at this point in his life he doesn't want to get too attached to someone and he wanted a non-committal relationship.

 

He wants to be able to be with you any time he wants, and he wants to be able to be with other women too.

 

You would think it would scare him off but he loves hearing it. He tells me to say it during sex and at other various times, although he never says it back.

 

That's because it is purely an ego thing - if he felt the same way about you - he wouldn't be so adamant about being non-committal.

 

Truth is, I wouldn't mind seeing other people but at the same time seeing him. Is this wrong? I mean we call each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" but we have never committed ourselves to each other in words. He said he wouldn't want to know if I was seeing other guys.

 

Haha.. if you told him you wanted to date other guys, you'd see a huge hypocritical show of hurt male ego anger. Its not wrong - since he set those parameters himself, but man would he lose his crap over that.

 

I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but as far as looks are concerned, I am way out of his league so it is hard for me to cope with why he wouldn't want me for himself.

 

Welcome to the wonderful world of the fragile, insecure ego - he wants you AND he wants other women too. You'll find oftentimes that once a person like that finds an ego or gains self confidence in one relationship, they want to try out their newly found confidence on plenty of other women too. Its an ego thing.

 

I see him about once a week and we rarely talk on the phone, so to me this is more of a friends with benefits type relationship except that I have told him I loved him and he knows how strongly I feel for him.

 

That's a shame. He is looking you right in the face, and saying "you are good enough to sleep with, but you aren't good enough for me to want to be in a committed relationship with you."

 

I guess do you think it would be really immoral and cruel if I started dating other guys while I still saw him? I wouldn't tell him cause he said he didn't want to know. What do you think?

 

It would not be immoral or cruel to date other people. After all, you aren't this guy's girlfriend and he has no say over what you do if he has already told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you outside of sex. You will need to tell him though. Hopefully when you do date, you will find a wonderful guy out there who will want a loving committed relationship: one who can return your feelings and feed you lines of BS.

[cecelius]

The above response may not at all be how he feels. It's possible he is somewhat noncommital because (1) he's young and (2) he's already seen some drama and recognizes valid rational distance would be a good thing. These two people have been dating for six months? That's not enough time for a smart person to be committed.

 

But yes, you would be perfectly justified in dating other people. I would be somewhat upfront with him as he has been with you: is it okay to sleep with them (there are pregnancy risks and STDs), roughly how much would you two be seeing each other.

 

And you're right, he may honestly not have thought about you with other men, and maybe this is a wake up call to him. But there is nothing wrong with a healty man not rushing into a permanent relationship. In fact, he may not be seeing other people but doesn't want to smash, squeeze and eek every little amount of fun out of your relationship just so that there is a sense of permanence.

 

He may also be very rational in that dating a 21 yo girl very rarely makes sense to make a formal committment. The amount of drama (which, again, he's already seen a fair amount of for 6 mos.) with people under 25 is astounding.

[NatoPMT]

I dont see anything morally wrong in dating other men as you have discussed it and hes accepted you may do it. However, I am not a fan of mutiple dating because i dont think you learn anything about yourself as you are doing it, if you 'leapfrog' from one relationship to the next you have precious little time for reflection and personal growth and its easy to repeat the same mistakes over and over. You could meet someone else and then it would be easy to say to yourself, its bf#1's own fault he lost me, he didnt treat me right, whereas you should be asking yourself 'why am i prepared to put up with someone who i am unhappy enough with to look elsewhere?' Its your first relationship and you are teaching yourself that in relationships you cant communicate for fear of what will be said back to you by him

 

My opinion is you should move away from the shy old you and give yourself the biggest confidence boost you can by walking away with your head held high under your own decision from someone who wants to see other people and refuses to have the conversation. Have that talk you had before about what you want together, you are just 'assuming' he still feels that way, if he does actually still feel that way and you dont like it, walk!

 

BB

[gypsy25]

Thanks for all your feedback. I understand what you are saying about the whole male ego thing. It totally makes sense to me now because about 2 months into our relationship he for some reason thought I was dating other guys (flat out accused me) and he freaked out and almost started crying. At the time I almost found it sweet because I was like "wow this guy really wants to be with me" and he's only had one serious girlfriend in his life (it lasted a year and a half) but come to find out, like you have said, it was a blast to his ego and that's what was causing him to freak out and get hurt. I think a pretty huge red flag that I should have noticed was when he was telling me about his last relationship and he told me he was just using her for a place to stay and that she wasn't attractive at all and he had to get drunk everytime he had sex with her and that to him, physical attraction is almost everything and he considers himself a very shallow person. Probably should have questioned that one a bit eh? haha. I guess at this point the best thing for me to do would be to let him lead the way in what he wants to do. If he wants to see other girls, fine, but I am not going to sit around and wait for him to want to commit to me because it's obviously not going to happen. I'm going to let him know that, yes I care about him a great deal, but I want to date other guys if the opportunity arises because I'm an attractive 21 year old girl who needs to see what's out there. The sad part is that he honestly isn't going to find anyone better than me. The reason I feed his ego so much is because everytime we're out together I get looks from guys and I know he probably gets off on it. His roommate tells me I'm hot constantly and flirts with me infront of him. In other words, he knows he has a pretty hot commodity and I think that's a big reason why he's with me. I'm not dramatic at all and I literally demand nothing from him. I'm sure he can sense that I'm insecure in alot of ways (he's got a bachelor degree in psychology, haha) and I think he sees that I'm gonna put up with whatever he gives me, the little that he does. If he reacts to me wanting to see other guys in a negative way (which you're saying he wil definetely not like because he wants me to himself while he sows his wild oats) than we'll have to go our separate ways. What do you think? Am I looking at this in the right light now?

[LucreziaBorgia]

As for right or wrong, I don't know, but I can tell you this: any time you are in a situation like that, it helps to be able to see it from a couple of different viewpoints ranging from the most optimistic to the most pessimistic - and a few ways inbetween. I find that the 'gut feeling' you get is pretty reliable. If you know in your gut the right way to go, then give it a thought or two and go with what you feel is right.

 

Hopefully, when you are doing some dating around you'll find a guy who will treat you with respect, caring, and love - and not give you the runaround like this guy is doing.

 

Good luck!