TurkishDelight Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 (edited) As you can see this my first post on the site so forgive me if I ramble or get the terminology wrong! I've been having an affair for just over two months now with a married co-worker (I am married too). We speak every work day via instant messaging, we have a physical lunch date once per week, and non-physical lunch dates maybe twice a week. We don't attempt any type of contact on the weekends, but when back at work we talk about how much we thought of each other when we were at our respective homes. The last time we slept together it felt that things were beginning to change - that deeper feelings were developing between us (at least that's how I felt). We've both said that if the affair continues we know we'd fall in love with each other. We've only ever jokingly discussed being together long term (ie. leaving our respective BS). I don't think at this early stage it's something that's really on the table (we each have two children under 10yo to consider). I know that I've started to develop feelings for him. I'm starting to get jealous when he speaks about his wife and I had to see him with her the other day when she visited him at work which I hated! My dilemma is do I take the risk and tell him of my feelings, or do I try and get out now before I'm in too deep and get really hurt? Edited November 1, 2013 by TurkishDelight Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 or do I try and get out now before I'm in too deep and get really hurt? yes. you're already in too deep though, from what you said in your post you'll end up getting hurt anyway. the sooner you get out the easier it will be, however. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Research shows that most MW that have affairs are looking for a way to leave their marriage, while most men are just trying to fill the gaps in their marriage and never plan on leaving. Knowing this I would say proceed with caution. Most likely you will end up hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Research shows that most MW that have affairs are looking for a way to leave their marriage, while most men are just trying to fill the gaps in their marriage and never plan on leaving. Knowing this I would say proceed with caution. Most likely you will end up hurt. not sure bout that, but I speak from my own experience... anyhow I'd say get out now, if push comes to shove chances are he will toss you under the bus..... you're in for a world of pain if you continue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 we think that we can handle things. The longer it goes on the more your feels get entangled. I would get out now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Speaking from experience, I'd say that it is best to get out now. The jealousy will never go away. The insecurities will never stop. However, be prepared for him to try to get you back in the affair if you do end it. I think even people who never intentionally sought an affair to begin with end up like jerks once they realize how good they can have it from both their worlds. Link to post Share on other sites
Lessons Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Based on my experience as a former MOW, I agree . . . get out now. There is nothing but heartache ahead if you continue the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 You've only been with him two months. If you start talking feelings, he's going to run like the wind. The reality is that many serial-cheating MM choose MW as partners because they have just as much to lose as them if the A is exposed. Is this your MM's first A? Is it yours? How is your relationship with your H? Do you want to leave him? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 My opinion as a BS, Yes, get out now "before" your H AND children "get really hurt"... and you and MM's Wife And MM's children And Your family And Your H's family And MM's Wife's family And MM's family And close friends... Lots AND LOTS of people get hurt in A's, Not Just You. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LaceyFace Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Get out now....everything said above is so true. Set a friendship limit. You enjoy his company but due to respect of the BS or BS's unless there is actual separation or divorce, save yourself a world of this hurt. It's not easy and yes you are happy when with him, but you will always be the most unhappy you have ever been. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 (edited) Been in your shoes. Trust us, it's not worth losing your family. My advice: Break it off, maintain no contact and withstand his efforts to restart the affair. Chances are that he doesn't really love you and wants casual sex on the side. Words are easy-any one can say whatever they want. Recall how things were when you were younger-would you believe everything any boy would tell you? By your post name, I'll reckon you're Turkish. Do you live in Turkey? Is the affair partner Turkish as well? I ask this because if yes, chances are the affair will turn really ugly if discovered (from my experience, Middle-Eastern/Eastern-European people are quite conservative when it comes to family/affairs and the affair partners often face a harder,more protracted social backlash. I say this when comparing these regions with the UK). How're things at home? It seems that you no longer want to stay married to your husband. Is that the case? Edited November 1, 2013 by Scott Thomas Link to post Share on other sites
trailrunner1975 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Imagine you are on a freeway and see a sign that says "last exit before toll road begins". Take the exit because once you pass it you HAVE to pay the toll. And it is not 25 cents either..... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BruisedBNBroken Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Get out now and quick. Yes it will hurt, but nothing compared to the pain you will feel if you continue. If you need motivation, spend some time on these forums and read about the affairs that go on for years. You're only a few months in, run as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Research shows that most MW that have affairs are looking for a way to leave their marriage, while most men are just trying to fill the gaps in their marriage and never plan on leaving. Knowing this I would say proceed with caution. Most likely you will end up hurt. Underwater, could you tell us where to find this research? I think it is likely correct, from my own experience and from what I've read. It would be helpful to read the research though. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Underwater, could you tell us where to find this research? I think it is likely correct, from my own experience and from what I've read. It would be helpful to read the research though. It is more from all the digging I have done on this site and others, including those for just for people engaging in affairs which has since been shut down. We all know the one. It was a majority statement not an all or nothing. Notice I did not say statistics, because I knew that would be thrown back at me real fast. It is no different that BS spouse being warned that once a cheater always a cheater. There are exceptions to the rule. It all comes down to whether we think we can beat the odds and whether the pain is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 It is more from all the digging I have done on this site and others, including those for just for people engaging in affairs which has since been shut down. We all know the one. It was a majority statement not an all or nothing. Notice I did not say statistics, because I knew that would be thrown back at me real fast. It is no different that BS spouse being warned that once a cheater always a cheater. There are exceptions to the rule. It all comes down to whether we think we can beat the odds and whether the pain is worth it. I accidently left of the my in the first post....sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurkishDelight Posted November 2, 2013 Author Share Posted November 2, 2013 Thanks everyone who has responded so far - your responses all tell me what I guess I already know... I'll give you a bit more background to this situation. Stay with me if you can - it's the whole story so is LONG... Before my AP and I started our PA we were conducting what I guess could be called an EA for about 4 months. We work with each other and would find reasons to go out inspecting work sites together so we'd spend 5 hours in the car alone together. We'd do this about once a month and talk every other day via email and message. During these car trips there was lots of flirting and sexual innuendo, as well as playful touching of the arm, leg, etc. During what I guess was this EA time I really started to become a bit infatuated with him. He was all I could think about and I imagined he was making love to me, not my husband. Like everyone, I never imagined I'd be the cheating type and scared for what these feelings meant for my marriage, I told my husband that I was having feelings for this OM. I think he already suspected that this was the case. My husband I embarked on marriage counselling together, during which we discussed my feelings for the OM. I maintained that I was in control of the situation and that I wasn't unfaithful because I had never acted on any of the innuendo. My marriage improved following counselling, but I was still infatuated with the OM. One day on a work trip (which was to be our last for sometime as work policy changed and I was no longer to travel with him), I plucked up the courage to ask him if there was more going on between us. At first he denied it, but then conceded that there is a definite connection. We discussed what it meant but agreed what could we do - we were both married. We said it would be ok if we had lunch one day - BIG MISTAKE! Of course on that lunch the tension was electric and we ended up kissing. From there the lunch dates progressed to more physical encounters, until we eventually slept together. So that is where we are at now. He always talks about how perfect we are together and what a wonderful marriage we could have had if only he'd met me instead of his wife. We are suited in so many ways. As for my own marriage - my husband thinks I no longer really speak to the OM. He knows I occasionally have to for work reasons, but he believes my infatuation with him is over. My marriage is probably in the best place it's been for a long time - hubby and I are having regular sex, in fact the sex with him is so much better than the sex I have with my AP. I figure that comes from familiarity. My husband loves me to bits and pieces. I am his everything and he tells me constantly. Since the affair started I've lost 10kg and found a whole lot of self esteem that I haven't had for a long time (I suffer long-term depression). At times I think I must end it and it's easy on the weekends to find the resolve that I won't contact him at work on Monday, but then it's like he reads my mind and he contacts me! I lose all resolve and we're back to where we started! I'm thinking that I'll go back to counselling on my own this time and admit to my affair. I haven't said a word to anyone about what is going on - I've kept it all inside. I'm not going to attempt NC as I know that won't work for me, but I am really going to try and cut back the extent of contact and I won't go on any lunch dates this week. Hopefully by doing this and focussing on my marriage, I can slowly wean myself off him. Thanks for staying with me to the end of this post! Oh, and I'm not Turkish - just like those chocolates!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 (edited) If only I received a penny everytime I heard/saw this storyline plot repeat itself. Your affair is no different from the many others I've seen (including mine). From someone who's been a wayward and a betrayed spouse, trust me the affair isn't worth it. The only way to end the affair is to cut off all contact, change jobs and resist his attempts to contact you. Lying/cheating on your husband while making him attend MC is extremely cruel. Read the threads posted by wayward wives. Go on to the infidelity section and read the threads other MW have posted. Three of them are getting divorced by their husbands. You've still got time and can save your marriage if you want to. You said you'll confess to your affair- are you implying that you'll confess to your husband? How do you think he'll feel when he finds out? Do you still remember your marriage vows and feel that your husband deserves a loving, loyal and caring spouse? If I were your shoes and wanted to end the affair, I would post on the infidelity section. You'll receive some tough advice from posters-harsh and stern criticism. Do not take it personally; it's for your own good. Your in what we call the 'affair fog'. Hopefully it'll end before it's too late. One last piece of advice; some WWs asked for advice, received good counsel but decided to ignore it. Now, they're in trouble and wish they had listened. I'd hate to see you go down that road again. Good luck (and stop destroying your own life). Cheers! Edited November 2, 2013 by Scott Thomas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 T During what I guess was this EA time I really started to become a bit infatuated with him. He was all I could think about and I imagined he was making love to me, not my husband. Like everyone, I never imagined I'd be the cheating type and scared for what these feelings meant for my marriage, I told my husband that I was having feelings for this OM. I think he already suspected that this was the case. My husband I embarked on marriage counselling together, during which we discussed my feelings for the OM. I maintained that I was in control of the situation and that I wasn't unfaithful because I had never acted on any of the innuendo. My marriage improved following counselling, but I was still infatuated with the OM. So that is where we are at now. He always talks about how perfect we are together and what a wonderful marriage we could have had if only he'd met me instead of his wife. We are suited in so many ways. As for my own marriage - my husband thinks I no longer really speak to the OM. He knows I occasionally have to for work reasons, but he believes my infatuation with him is over. My marriage is probably in the best place it's been for a long time - hubby and I are having regular sex, in fact the sex with him is so much better than the sex I have with my AP. I figure that comes from familiarity. My husband loves me to bits and pieces. I am his everything and he tells me constantly. . Poor hubby. How long do you intend on 'playing' him? I can't imagine how he's going to react when he finds out what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
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