Am I right or is she?

[whichwayisup]

And when you did kiss/hug...How did it make YOU feel? If your heart fluttered and/or you were kinda turned on, then it is an inappropriate friendship. Meaning should not be pursued cuz other things could happen further down the road.

 

I guess I need to know if you 'understand' what everyone is trying to say to you. Seems like everytime someone gives you some advice, 'we' are all wrong and you are the only one who knows. Yeah, we are not in the situation and ofcourse only hearing one side of things. What if you didn't mean as much to him as he means to you?? Just a little thought there. Us females have a way about us to take fantasy to the next level.

 

Have you ever thought of him in a sexual way? Making love to him, or daydreaming about him?? Just curious.

[Devildog]

barkingmad, you posted asking a question. You wanted the public's opinion on whether his wife was justified in wanting the "friendship" stopped. We have all tried to answer your question honestly based on experience and observation. You have gotten your answer to your question. If you just wanted everyone to tell you how you were wronged and that you are innocent and unjustly being punished you should have titled the thread "Tell me how right I am and don't disagree with me." If you are asking for help or answers, accept what you are given. Don't come in here with preconcieved notions and become defensive when public opinion doesn't bear out the way you want it to.

[Sky]

Dear Barking Mad

 

I just wanted to say firstly that I am very sorry for your loss... I really feel for you because the loss of any good friendship or relationship is always hard.

 

Secondly -- by the sound of it, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. Personally, I don't think you were in an 'emotional affair' with him. In this context I don't know what having an emotional affair is. To me it seems like you were just good friends. I think that's great. I think its really healthy to have a lot of friends and by the sound of it he really needs some because his wife is driving all his friends away. In fact doesn't virtually every book you read on relationships warn you about trying to get all your needs (emotional, social etc) met by your partner. Isn't that a classic mistake???

 

I had a similar friendship with a male at work... we liked each other and there was a bit of flirtation on each side but I knew nothing would come of it. And indeed nothing ever did even now after we've both been single for nearly 2 years. But we're still good friends.

 

Of course, I am very aware (having been in a relationship with a MM) that friendships can easily lead to affairs. I guess you have to always be very careful but you sound very clear about the fact that it wasn't going to happen.

 

Anyway -- the fact still remains that you've been cheated (rightly or wrongly) out of your relationship with someone you care about. I'm sure this is very dissapointing and wish I could do or say something that would help. Perhaps when things cool down you could start a friendship again, but for now I guess you should just give him time to sort out his marriage.

 

I wouldn't let the fact that he could have been nicer about it bother you. I'm sure he found it very difficult and is having to deal with a very difficult home situation as well.

[barkingmad]

Originally posted by Sky

 

 

In fact doesn't virtually every book you read on relationships warn you about trying to get all your needs (emotional, social etc) met by your partner. Isn't that a classic mistake???

 

I had a similar friendship with a male at work... we liked each other and there was a bit of flirtation on each side but I knew nothing would come of it. And indeed nothing ever did even now after we've both been single for nearly 2 years. But we're still good friends.

 

 

Amen!! Someone with some sense. What's the deal with flirtation - it's not a crime if you don't intend taking it further. Let's be honest here, we all do it and it makes us feel better.

 

Also does it matter what I thought or felt about him or if I fantasised about him? Not saying I did but would it matter. Are married people supposed to have 'clean' thoughts all the time. Don't tell me that none of you holier than thou people out there have never had a fantasy about another man/woman? Let's be honest here. We're all grown-ups.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by barkingmad ....Also does it matter what I thought or felt about him or if I fantasised about him? Not saying I did but would it matter. Are married people supposed to have 'clean' thoughts all the time. Don't tell me that none of you holier than thou people out there have never had a fantasy about another man/woman? Let's be honest here. We're all grown-ups.

 

I don't think anyone was trying to be "holier than thou" with you. What would be the point in that?

 

I think what they're trying to do is to help you see that you are missing something wonderful in your own marriage. And your friend is probably missing something in his. There's a better, more intimate relationship possible once the distraction of these kind of flirtations are out of the way.

 

The friendship is an impediment to greatness in both marriages.

 

Don't you find it a bit telling that you elected to post this question on the 'OM/OW support board'? If it was a totally innocent friendship, why not post in the 'marriage' forum, or in the 'business' forum even? By posting here, you appear to be identifying with OW, and yet denying emotional involvement.

 

When you're friend goes home to his wife, he's probably already shared the finer points of his day with you. She's not getting the communication she deserves.... talking, joking, flirting. These are things he already did with you, so he's not as likely to repeat the process.

 

Bet your own husband might like a little of that too, when you come home.

 

Your marriage is in a burning building, dear. These good people have just been yelling "FIRE".

[izzybelle]

so i'm going to play devil's advocate here....

 

When you're friend goes home to his wife, he's probably already shared the finer points of his day with you. She's not getting the communication she deserves.... talking, joking, flirting. These are things he already did with you, so he's not as likely to repeat the process.

 

except for the "flirting" part, would the response(s) be different here if she/he were going out for a drink with same sex friends and sharing the finer points of their day? i don't tend to do this often so i'm asking more than anything else. but couldn't we make the assumption that any friendship could be an "impediment to greatness in both marriages" ? are we making the assumption that if one tells a friend, of either sex, about their day that they won't share it with their spouse as well? or are we making the assumption that people won't share with their spouses if they've already shared with someone of the opposite sex? i'm not sure it's as cut and dry as that.... and i know there are spouses that are also threatened by friendships that their spouses have with friends of the same sex.

 

i understand that these situations or relationships can and do cause problems, i know that they do, and i know that there's the risk for something turning into an emotional or physical affair. as someone who has more male friends than female ones, i just find it puzzling and yes, annoying sometimes, that it feels like once you're married you're supposed to not have any friends who are the opposite sex, even if it's all out in the open because of potential problems.

 

and as barkingmad said... i do believe that many, if not most peoplem have fantasies about other people, and in that case as well, there's a difference between thinking about it and acting on it. and i know there have been a lot of discussions on other areas of this site about porn. and i know that some people (i'm not saying all, or even the people who have posted here) feel that watching and/or masturbating to porn is ok as long as it doesn't impact the relationship with the spouse. so do we think that the people who think this is ok would still feel that just talking to a friend of the opposite sex is inappropriate? not judging, just asking, but personally i'd rather have an SO talking to a female friend about his day than going home and watching porn.....or maybe i wouldn't care either way, as long as he was still sharing himself with me! i guess my point is, and i don't know in this case, if it's not impacting the marriage, what's the harm of an opposite sex friendship?

[Owl]

Izzy-

 

I think you're totally right...opposite sex friendships can really be very healthy all the way around...provided that they don't cross certain boundaries. The problem you run into is when they DO cross that boundary...

 

...and in this case, it's either crossed the boundary or it's darn close to it. The "he makes me feel special" feelings, the hugs and kisses, the "we could go further but we both won't" feelings...the "his wife has taken him away from me" feeling she's got now. All clear danger signs.

 

Barking- justify your actions all you want. You've asked for advice and been given it. If you don't want to take it, then don't. Just don't expect us to change our opinions on the subject either...most of us have been through some variation of what you're in now, so we're just providing out input based on our experience. Good luck.

[DoggyDog]

CAUTION.....

You can have a "Hi how ya doing type" friendship with a MM. But BEWARE...This is my story on what can happend in friendship My MM was happily married (so he thought for 3 yrs with a little boy besides) I "so called MET and developed a real close FRIENDSHIP" with him. He was from another State and spent Mon-Fri in my City for work then go HOME to his W and kid weekends. I would talk and meet up with him daily after work (at his request) and I'd tell him this and that about my boyfriend .... He listened to me always and let me just go on and on about myself and life....Then it happened....That was it.....We ended up living together during the week and this went on for about 5 yrs....til his company closed up in my town.

20+ yrs later and just now ENDED the relationship at his call.

 

I would have never thought I'd be the OW or that the friendship just happened to turn one day and me saying "I think I Love You" to him....All along he had fallen in LOVE with ME thru the friendship ...I didn't know that...He said he had waited for ME to say those words....Figure that...??

 

Well that is why I do not believe you CAN have a serious conversation of things about you and your life with any who is attached. Be him Married or having a girlfriend....If you have things to talk about....stay on LS....and let everyone be your sounding board....No One Gets Hurt and You Will Feel No Guilt or Rejection.

Well, take care....Hope my story helps in your decision to let it go...Hi/Bye/ etc.

 

L DD

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by izzybelle ....

except for the "flirting" part, would the response(s) be different here if she/he were going out for a drink with same sex friends and sharing the finer points of their day?

 

If she were going out with same-sex friends or opposite-sex friends that she wasn't flirting with, she probably wouldn't be posting on the OM/OW board. That's the most telling bit. If it were just a 'friend' problem, why post it here?

 

i don't tend to do this often so i'm asking more than anything else. but couldn't we make the assumption that any friendship could be an "impediment to greatness in both marriages" ?

 

I think we could make that assumption if any aspect of the friendship is hidden, yes.

 

are we making the assumption that if one tells a friend, of either sex, about their day that they won't share it with their spouse as well? or are we making the assumption that people won't share with their spouses if they've already shared with someone of the opposite sex?

 

I have lots of friends that I "share my day" with. (This is hard to describe. There's more nuance here.) Sometimes by the time I get home, I'm all talked out. I haven't saved enough of myself to share with him. I'm exhausted, and I need to re-charge with some quiet time.

 

I might be reenergized by spending that time alone, but I haven't spent enough time with my sweetie.

 

When I'm not spending quality time with him, I'm not letting him know that he's a priority in my life. And when I say quality time, I mean putting the same energy into that time that I would put into impressing and enjoying a friend.

 

i know there are spouses that are also threatened by friendships that their spouses have with friends of the same sex.

 

I think that the same "quality time" concept applies here too. And for anything else that over a period of time leaves the other person feeling underprioritized.

There are sacrifices to be made in keeping a relationship healthy. You might have to give up a hobby, cut down on the over-time, turn off the TV, or spend less time with friends.

 

It's sooooooo worth it though to have the kind of relationship that you always wanted with the one you love. And when done correctly, it is in no way limiting.

 

There's a level of comfort and intimacy that transcends the lonely experience of being just one individual. You are each separate and individual, and yet you are more, not less. There is an added dimension embedded in your life, one of unity.

 

I know a couple who has been married 70 years. She has a smile as sweet as a child. He's too old to care if he's wearing his teeth or not. His only concern at this stage of his life when his health is failing, is that he won't be there to take care of her anymore when he dies. That's all he cares about....the fact that she might be alone.

 

Old age and death come to us all. But wouldn't it be grand to have someone whose only care in life, is being with you?

 

You get what you pay for. Life is what you make it. But you have to keep your eye on the big picture while minding all the little details.

 

Divorces are pretty easy to get. People who want to be single should either stay that way or get that way.

 

Marriage is for people who want it. It's hard work, but it's rewarding. Kind of like parenting in that regard, I suppose. The hardest and best job ever.

 

But it's a red-hot misery for those who don't truly want it, or for those who can't/won't put the appropriate effort in.

 

It took me a looooong time to learn that.