She cheated on me, but it's my fault

[Mitch_80]

Hi there !

 

My wife cheated on me. We are not married, together for 5years and have 2 year old boy.

 

Let me do a copy/paste and I'm sure you'll get thepoint immediately :

 

Why did my wife cheat on me :

 

• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond

• dissatisfaction with her mate

• dissatisfaction with her relationship

• a desire for male attention

• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman

• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion

• a desire to feel “special”

• boredom or loneliness

• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted

 

Well that's all true. I'm the one to blame.

 

Now, since it's my fault, what the heck should I do ? I mean clearly that opened my eyes and I don't know whether I admire this guy for giving her what I couldn't but on the other hand... I hate him. I am extremely jealous.

 

And she told me 'of course I did cheat on you, what did you think ?'.

 

OK I've been a dick, OK I understand... but do I deserve it ? How can I get over it ? Why didn't she leave me before doing this ? Should I just accept and do whatever it takes to get he back ? Because yes, I do love her. But how can I do that when I think about what happened (in our bedroom of course) ? 3 times in one night ? That she fell asleep in his arms without thinking about me for one second ? How can I get over it when she says 'I regret what you made me do, I've shown all the signs, but I don't regret what I've done'.

 

That doesn't change the fact that I feel like ****... should I say 'OK you're right, I understand, thank you for opening my eyes and I'll be the good guy who treats you the way you deserve now'. Is this what one should do ?

 

Please guys, help me figure this out... what would you do ?

 

Thank you all,

Mitch

Edited November 1, 2013 by Mitch_80
formatting issues

[ConstantVoyager]

She's your wife, but you're not married? I'm a little confused.

 

That said, it's not your fault that she cheated and she shouldn't blame you. Yes, there may be serious problems in your relationship and you may be significantly responsible for those, but it's her duty to either come to you and ask you to work on the relationship with her or to end the relationship with you.

 

Your relationship may be salvageable, but she has to take responsibility for her actions.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm kind of disappointed here Mitch.

 

I was expecting to see a post about some creative ways you came up with to make your wife cheat like, "I told her she had to eat this liver and onion casserole or sleep with Brad Pitt, whom I had handcuffed to the bed."

 

But then when I clicked on the post, I read about an entitled, spoiled brat who took another guy into your bedroom and tore apart your life and marriage and then BLAMED you for it and for some reason you took the hook.

 

Who you have acted the same way if you felt unappreciated?

I doubt it. Because you seem to care about her like she was, *gasp* a human being with FEELINGS.

 

In fact I just checked an article that deals with lack of appreciation.

 

Gretchen Rubin: 5 Tips For Dealing With Feeling Unappreciated

 

If you check the points, none of them suggest "be really goddamn dirty and screw another guy in your husband's bed."

 

You know why?

Because, Mitch, it's PHUKKING BULLSHYTE! That's why!

Get pissed off already and file those goddamn papers!

 

Because not only did she screw another guy IN YOUR BED but she didn't deal with her insecurities and feelings LIKE AN ADULT and now she is BLAMING YOU.

 

This isn't about "women and flowers and hearts and romance."

 

Really? You think that another guy's semen on your sheets is because you forgot to bring her roses last Thursday? Get real.

 

Honestly, if you want to save this pile of steaming piss that once was your marriage, you are going to have to get tougher than this. Even if you don't throw her ass to the curb (I didn't pitch my husband's at first either) you NEED TO SEE that what she did and how she responded is on HER AND HER ALONE. She needs to realize it too!

[dreamingoftigers]

Why did my wife cheat on me :

 

• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond

• dissatisfaction with her mate

• dissatisfaction with her relationship

• a desire for male attention

• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman

• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion

• a desire to feel “special”

• boredom or loneliness

• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted

 

I've shown all the signs, but I don't regret what I've done'.

 

That doesn't change the fact that I feel like ****...

Mitch

 

Oh she's upset that you feel bad. Well, "how dare you," right?

 

I'm sorry buddy. But she sounds like she's going to be a sociopathic bitch for the next five years about this if you stay with her. I don't say that from a place of bitterness or high-handedness (I know it's going to sound bitter to you, but your fresh on the Betrayed Block, you'll get it soon enough). I say it from a place of having experienced it with my husband. For YEARS.

 

The "I can't deal with seeing you feel like crap, yeah I cheated and ripped your whole life apart GET OVER IT. Find something else to think about. I already said I wouldn't do it again blah blah blah."

 

They will get mad at you for being hurt. But goddamn you if you move their muddy shoes out of the way to mop the front floor. What business is it of your to disturb even the laces on their shoes?

 

By the way. Look at that list. Check it twice if you are feeling festive. Aside from the "male attention" has she even remotely solved in your relationship by cheating? (which why the Hell do you need generalized "male attention" from outside sources if you are monogamous anyway?)

 

Has her "disappointment" ebbed? Has it helped you rebuild intimacy? No.

 

It's like me going and cheating everytime I accidentally break a glass. It makes no sense to respond to relationship issues this way.

 

In fact, it's like me breaking and glass and then deciding that I might as well shatter every other glass in the set instead of replacing the shattered one.

 

Get some outside help or independent counseling for this one. If you are willing to accept the blame for this, you need it pal.

[melissag]

I agree with the PP. Yes, you obviously contributed to the state of your relationship. But so did she. The bottom line is, she chose to cheat rather than to work on the relationship or end it. That's on her, not you. Please do take responsibility for your part in the demise of the relationship, but not for her cheating. If this relationship is to ever be repaired, then yes, you do need to change. Have you considered IC? Will she go to MC? IC? She needs to acknowledge her responsibility in all this as well . . . it doesn't sound like she is ready for that yet.

 

You are asking what you should do, but you haven't said what you want. Do you want to fix this relationship? Can you get past infidelity if she does the necessary work? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make this work? Or is it easier for you to just call it quits? Why did you do all the things on that list, that made her feel she needed to get validation elsewhere? Was it a one and done affair, or is she still with the OM? Is she willing to go NC with the OM? Give us more info and you will probably get some good responses from the great people on this board.

[Grumpybutfun]

"I feel a little neglected, I think I will let a dick fall in me" Your wife said this to you? Wow dude, cheating is not appropriate under any circumstances and trumps everything she says you did to her by like a gillion and one. You don't blow a hole in the bow of the boat because the propeller is a little rusty, now do you? You need some perspective on this as she is fleecing you. Read some books, talk to your Pastor or see a counselor on marriage issues.

You need some serious help,

Grumps

 

p.s. The healthy way to handle that list of issues would be to sit down with a MC and work on them one by one without you getting cuckolded, unless you just enjoy that sort of thing.

Edited November 1, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[harrybrown]

Her cheating is all her fault, none of that falls on you.

 

She does not respect you and she is not remorseful.

 

How would she like it if you cheated?

 

Do the 180 to help yourself survive. Go NC with her.

 

I would tell her to move out.

[bubbaganoosh]

Copy and paste this to her.

 

Dear wife. Since you can walk on water, and being that I'm just an immortal, maybe you could try walking out the door on air and don't come back. Find some other patsy to bull $h!t. Let me know when the resurrection is so I can see for myself.

[Canadiangirl78]

Copy and paste this to her.

 

Dear wife. Since you can walk on water, and being that I'm just an immortal, maybe you could try walking out the door on air and don't come back. Find some other patsy to bull $h!t. Let me know when the resurrection is so I can see for myself.

 

 

 

YES! Send that to her!

 

 

I don't understand how or why you would EVER take the blame for her cheating. If she wanted to save your relationship I am pretty sure she knew it wasn't going to happen while some a**hole is on top of her. This is about as much your fault as it is mine she cheated on you. Ridiculous! Get pissed at HER not YOURSELF, she did this

[Oberfeldwebel]

I vehemently disagree with you. All those things you listed are reasons why she should leave you, admittedly your behavior has been poor, but none of that made her have sex with another person. It is justification from someone that has acted selfishly themselves. The bottom-line now is what do each of you want to do. If both of you are willing to admit to your mistakes, undergo counseling, there is a good chance that you can fix this problem. However, if you are not both committed, then cut your losses and work out co-parenting plan.

[aliveagain]

Get rid of the bed, linens, towels and anything else he touched, I will leave dealing with your wife/girlfriend up to your own discretion. Have you been tested for STD's, pregnancy? Make sure you both get test, tell your doctor why so he does the proper tests. The humiliation will be a deterrent for future infidelity. Tell her your conditions of staying with her, and the consequences. One of the conditions should be a No Contact Letter to other man. Do you know him, how did they meet? Another is Independent Counselling to find out why she trashed your relationship, if she doesn't get to the root cause it's very likely the next time your relationship hits a bump she'll cheat again. Do not allow her to sweep this under the rug, she needs help. Is the O/M married, have you told his wife or girlfriend? You can't reconcile with someone that won't take responsibility for the affair and isn't remorseful, it's doomed to fail.

 

Do not stay because of your child, that's the wrong reason. When a spouse brings someone into the marital bed, that's an extra special sh*t sandwich to eat. She must really be harboring hate to do that to you. Think twice about marriage with this one, it better include a post nuptial agreement giving up her rights to most of the assets if she cheats again.

[imtooconfused]

Mitch_80, I hope that you take the responses here to be "tough love," because those that have taken the time to respond to this thread really care about you and are looking out for you. As harsh as some of the things that have been said are, they reflect reality, the reality that your partner could have chosen to work on the relationship but decided instead to exit by having an affair. That was not your fault. Yes, I understand that this is also a difficult reality to accept too, that she has already exited the relationship and that you need to come to grips with that.

 

Again, we do care about you and if you need help dealing with this new reality we will try our best to support you.

[Misadventure]

Mitch, please take to heart that yes, while these actions or non-actions on your part are not good or helpful in a marriage it is not reason or a catalyst for cheating- it is an excuse and justification on her part.

 

You asked about why she did not leave before she cheated..because she wanted her cake and wanted to eat it too, with the frosting, ribbons, and clowns dancing in the background with no inconvenience or change to her life.

 

BOTH of you have a hand in the marriage...and the outcome. No one can decide for you....decide what you want. Ask yourself some important questions of what you can live with and what you will not live with. If it's marriage counseling you want, do it now but state clear boundaries and guidelines on what will not be accepted such as cheating, and she will have to earn trust back..and you will have to work on your end...and hers with hers.

 

It won't be easy and does not guarantee that it will work...also once a spouse cheats and passes that first line with the first person, they are apt to do it again..because it was so easy.

 

If you decide you may not want the marriage, then read all the suggestions above. It is a long, hard, sad, tumultuous road....but you may find happiness again one day, with trust, and with someone who may not do this....

 

Think hard about what you want.

[trippi1432]

once a spouse cheats and passes that first line with the first person, they are apt to do it again..because it was so easy

 

This is actually very true in my experience, learned that myself with my first husband and didn't bother giving my second husband the chance to do it again after he crossed the line. Best thing to do is let a cheater "lie" in their own bed.

 

Too bad when a woman works full time like a man, does most of the housework and childcare and cant have sex everyday, that gives men a reason to cheat and nobody calls him out on it in this forum.

 

Actually tara, men who cheat do get called out on this forum too.