My kids won't speak to me because of my affair

[LostMother]

By what you have written it seems like for now, the betrayal is still too much for them to deal with.

 

Keep trying to reach out, keep living your life with integrity and just be there when they are ready. One day, they will be able to "see' you as their Mother again.

 

 

So glad you shared your story here, too often the children get marginalized during an affair, that no damage is being done to them. People could not be more wrong.

 

I always thought with time things would change. Yet it hasn’t and it doesn’t seem to be changing. It’s been 3 years going on 4 years since the last time I was my oldest son. I prayer every night hope things would change and they haven’t. We used to be so very close, now they don’t even ask about me or acknowlege me.

[Chi townD]

Then you "gently" impose, like I suggested. Constantly put yourself in their lives with letters, pictures and emails. Whether they read them or not. Until they tell you to stop (but at least they have to communicate that to you).

[Yesterday]

Lost,

Sorry for your pain, and fallout from your affair.

My parents split when I was a similar age to your sons. In my situation it was my father who had the affair and broke up the family. We had no email then or graphic details of what he did, but we resented/hated him for the pain he had caused my mother. For leaving us a broken family, and for his choice of another women over his family of 19 years. I had no contact with him, and I refused to speak with him for almost 5 years. Eventually, at an uncles family gathering (his brothers), I caved and we had a civil conversation.

 

It takes time as everyone here is saying. It will happen, especially as your sons grow into their own relationships. They could even at some point seek you out.

 

Show them your compassion, your understanding of their pain, and your unquestionable love for them in letters. Send them cards at those times you know are special to them. Let them know you are watching them from a distance, by sending congratulations when they hit milestones in their lives. Don't force them to speak with you or expect any response. Allow them their space, you made your decision 3 years ago, the decision to let you back in is theirs alone.

 

Never give up, and good luck!

[threelaurels]

You need to find a way to do two things:

1. Respect their decisions to cut you out of their lives.

2. Let them know how much you still care and how much you think about them.

 

Yeah, they pretty much contradict each other. My suggestion is that you limit contact to the major holidays, only send cards/letters through the mail during those times, and keep doing it year after year.

 

They may eventually come around, or they may not.

[Clay]

Lost,

 

I am in the same boat as your xBS but I do not have good communication with my xWW. I have tried over the years to help my son build a good relationship with his mother. I am at the point I don't feel it will be possible in my case.

 

I have tried to talk to my xWW and she will not even try to atone for the things she has done she has never been remorseful and I doubt she ever will.

 

You do have a better chance with your sons than my xWW will. I do agree with a lot of other people here about being gentle and trying to involve yourself in there life but I would recommend you take another course of action as well. You might have already done this and others here might have already suggested it.

 

I tried recommending this to my xWW just yesterday so maybe this in some way might help you. Go to counseling get help for the things you did wrong in your marriage. Share this experience with your xBS and your sons even if only through letters. Show them you are trying to fix you and you are responsible for doing the wrong in there life. This will help bring them forward and to talk about it. Another thing give them time. Boys are more difficult than girls to reach. Its just like the other person said on this forum already. You did betray them to. You destroyed their home and their Dad.

 

I am really thankful to you for coming to this forum. I have been extremely frustrated with my xWW that she really just doesn't care for all the damage she did. You give me hope that there are better people out there.

 

I do hope you are able to fix.

 

Clay

[LostMother]

Ok. I don't have great news for you.

 

I'm a BS who read some emails (actually pretty tame) that my WH sent to his first emotional affair partner. Thankfully I never saw the stuff between him and his PA AP. Those words are seared into my brain. It's now been over a year and I can still see them. If your children read what you wrote to your AP, it will likely stay with them forever. It will have done immense emotional harm to them. It's very different 'knowing' THAT someone you love has had an affair, to knowing WHAT they said during it, directly from their emails.

 

I think that her sending them to your children was cruel and damaging...but it was your damage that she was inflicting on them as well as her own pain.

 

Trouble is, you can't unsee what you have seen. Your children cannot unknow what they know. It will take a very long time to believe that you have changed and they will need to see consistent behaviour from you that puts them first, not you. You getting all emotional and pleading with them...to them it will look as if it's all about you, how you feel, how you want them to like you, not to help them, but to help you feel better. All of that reinforces their negative view of you.

 

What they need is a mum who thinks of them first. Who sends cards not asking for forgiveness (it'll look like it's all about you), but sending love. But not asking for a response (it'll feel like emotional blackmail and,again, as if it's all about you), not expecting anything back - showing real unconditional love that doesn't need a response. If you can do that then gradually, over the years,they may feel safe enough to trust you again

 

 

I would like to think my ExH and I raised our children to righteous individuals. They always showed me respect and never talked back.

 

As of now they are not living the way I would like them to live. They seem to be living a very carefree and with no regard for themselves or the people around them and showing little to no respect to others. Not the way I taught them to act.

 

No knows that I still see my ExH and it’s only a few times a year. That’s only between me and him no one else knows

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would suggest something more than an annual letter...seems too business like.

 

Acknowledge them on significant days. Cards, gifts, whatever you have done in the past. Make it about them...ie: Hope all is well with you. Thinking of you.

 

 

That's all you can do. You can not force yourself into their life. It has to be at their speed, it has nothing to do with being an unforgiving person...they were/are hurt...by their Mother. It cuts to the core of a person, when a parent hurts us. For some, it takes a life time to heal.

[LostMother]

Yikes, that was terrible what the BW did. I fully agree with exposing the A to your H but sending the emails to your teenage kids????? No one should ever consider doing that. It is up to the BH to talk to the kids. Kids shouldn't have to unsee things.

 

Don't get upset people... What she did was wrong and her kids anger is understandable. But I wanted to point out how wrong the BW was in what she did. I'm sorry if it offends people but there are things a BS can do that are not justifiable in the least. Disgustin behaviour isn't always monopolized by the WS.

 

As to your problem... Your kids sound to be more of an unforgiving type personality. They have every right to be angry with you but hopefully as time passes they slowly allow a relationship to be built again. Perhaps they will marry someone who wants then to work on forgiving you. I don't think there is anything you can do. You are paying a high price for your sins. It is your fault. But don't lose hope. Things can always change. You will never get back the lost years but one day you may have a better future. Don't harass them, just send the anually letter so they know you still want contact.

 

The other man wife shouldn’t take that much of the blame. She found out about the affair after I ended it. She tried sending the emails only to my ExH. I intercepted them and asked her to please stop trying to contact then husband. That’s when she sent the emails to my children. In return they showed them to their father. My daughter who my youngest is the only one who has not read the emails. The fault of her actions land on my shoulders.

[KathyM]

Don't try to force a relationship with your children. Don't bombard them with attention, or they will feel like you are pressuring them. Don't act like nothing has happened and everything is O.K. It will seem to them like their feelings are again being minimized. You need to respect their feelings and their boundaries. They are entitled to their feelings and their boundaries. I do think it's important to ask for forgiveness from them, and not just go on as if nothing happened. I would suggest the letter of apology I mentioned above. And then trying to maintain contact through Emails or letters, one per month, plus acknowledging birthdays and holidays. Too much will seem like pressure to them. Forgiveness has to come on their timeline and cannot be forced.

[ClemsonTigers]

Don't get upset people... What she did was wrong and her kids anger is understandable. But I wanted to point out how wrong the BW was in what she did. I'm sorry if it offends people but there are things a BS can do that are not justifiable in the least. Disgustin behaviour isn't always monopolized by the WS.

 

 

I just have to laugh when a wayward tries to imply that there are some rules and limitations to exactly how a betrayed spouse is supposed to behave in response to being betrayed while the waywards spit upon all the rules of decency. It's almost like this innate desire to even some playing field. This woman was fighting for HER family, HER kids and HER marriage that this woman intruded into of her own volition. She doesn't and didn't give a dang about OW's kids and shouldn't be expected to. Did the poster care about OM's wife's kids when she screwed their father? Besides...these weren't 5 or even 8 year old boys...they were young men (one was actually an adult) certainly old enough to be exposed to.

 

Don't like being exposed...don't have an affair.

 

You mess with the bull...you get the horns.

 

OM's wife deserves apologies not your askew judgement.

[Artie Lang]

keep trying. only time will tell if they come around.

 

 

what most people in affairs don't seem to understand is they are cheating on their entire family, not just their unsuspecting spouse.

[ClemsonTigers]

Yikes, that was terrible what the BW did. I fully agree with exposing the A to your H but sending the emails to your teenage kids????? No one should ever consider doing that. It is up to the BH to talk to the kids. Kids shouldn't have to unsee things.

 

Don't get upset people... What she did was wrong and her kids anger is understandable. But I wanted to point out how wrong the BW was in what she did. I'm sorry if it offends people but there are things a BS can do that are not justifiable in the least. Disgustin behaviour isn't always monopolized by the WS.

 

As to your problem... Your kids sound to be more of an unforgiving type personality. They have every right to be angry with you but hopefully as time passes they slowly allow a relationship to be built again. Perhaps they will marry someone who wants then to work on forgiving you. I don't think there is anything you can do. You are paying a high price for your sins. It is your fault. But don't lose hope. Things can always change. You will never get back the lost years but one day you may have a better future. Don't harass them, just send the anually letter so they know you still want contact.

 

The other man wife shouldn’t take that much of the blame. She found out about the affair after I ended it. She tried sending the emails only to my ExH. I intercepted them and asked her to please stop trying to contact then husband. That’s when she sent the emails to my children. In return they showed them to their father. My daughter who my youngest is the only one who has not read the emails. The fault of her actions land on my shoulders.

 

Very nicely put. Sorry if anything I said to coolit offended you. This accepting responsibility thing is more difficult for others.

 

Have patience with your boys. Live your life in a decent and kind manner and hope they come back to you. What if they never do???? Your life isn't over without them in it. The more strongly you land on your feet and present yourself as a woman of value the more likely they may come to value a reconciliation. Build a new life they'd be proud to be a part of.

 

God Bless

[peaksandvalleys]

The other man wife shouldn’t take that much of the blame. She found out about the affair after I ended it. She tried sending the emails only to my ExH. I intercepted them and asked her to please stop trying to contact then husband. That’s when she sent the emails to my children. In return they showed them to their father. My daughter who my youngest is the only one who has not read the emails. The fault of her actions land on my shoulders.

 

 

 

We all take responsibility for our own actions. You can't take responsibility for hers nor her yours. I admit I am reading your thread with great interest as my children have chosen not to speak to their father after he was discovered to have had a long term affair. Unlike you, everyone else is at fault for his actions.

[beach]

Seems your boys have a healthy boundary - and you crossed it - good for them.

 

This is part of the consequences when you choose to cheat.

 

Acceptance will help.

 

You stomped on the relationship with them - they don't trust you. They more likely won't ever trust "women" because of your choice to cheat.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi lostmother.

 

It's actually a difficult thing for me to write about because I caught my father's extramarital affair.

 

To be honest, it was just the mayonnaise on the sh*t sandwich but it was an absolute breaking point.

 

I was beyond disgusted with him. In fact, a sign of huge progress over the last four years is that I didn't write "(and I still am disgusted by him)."

 

BUT a large part of that had to do with the fact that I came on here and saw some WS that were genuinely trying to get their families back etc. I could see that some people have malformed values and really had maturity issues pre-and-post affair. As well, my mother stayed with my father and he somewhat shut his verbally abusive mouth toward myself and my husband after he knew that I had that frigging trump card over his head.

 

To be honest, I never liked his selfish games, how the whole world had to revolve around him and how "great he was" at the expense of everyone else. How he was entitled to this and that. To he frank there aren't many cheaters without that sense. It wouldn't surprise me if your sons resented that, and the "push" to forgive you even more than the affair itself. That's it's been three years and haven't you "paid enough" yet?

 

Unlike my father though, I don't consider myself to have "won" some kind of struggle for moral superiority. Holding a trump card in such a worthless game is as useful to me as the Boardwalk in Monopoly, it holds no real value. Nothing about that game impacts my day to day life, except for the fact that I no longer feel forced to play it.

 

You are pushing, and even your husband has been pushing for your forgiveness to happen.

 

My father did the same thing. He pushed into different areas of my life even.

All it did was alienate me. My mother would push for me to forgive the SOB etc. it made me resent her heavily.

 

I'll make that decision on my own damn time in my own damn way. He doesn't years emotionally manipulating my whole family because he was so selfish, entitled and controlling. He didn't take the time to think about how this would or has impacted me. He only appears to think about himself.

 

He never once apologized to ME for what he put our family through and frankly I don't expect him to. I don't even expect him to even THINK about it. Because even though he's toned down, even though he reaches out to my daughter and me (in more limited ways) it is still ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

Just like its "all about YOU" and how it's been three years. And "why haven't things changed because I'm so sorry." "I can't live through this."

 

Essentially: "I thought it would blow over."

 

It doesn't. Look what they got to live through and carry. Look at those years. No one is putting you in a "prison cell" of sorts watching you do penance until some arbitrary date where they are "over it."

 

To be frank: since I've had my daughter and my father has been a much better grandfather than a father, that has softened my heart somewhat. So grandchildren or marriages might provide some opportunity for a slow, gentle reconnection. But don't be expectant on it.

 

Do you show a genuine interest in their lives or well-being?

 

Are there birthday cards and Christmas gifts just for the sake of sending them that don't reek of "call me" desperation?

 

These young men need a real, deep letter of apology. Not like a laundry list of "yeah, sorry if I hurt you guys, I feel so bad."

 

But a true, "I am so sorry for the shame and hurt that I caused YOU when _I_ did XYZ. And I UNDERSTAND if you don't want to hear from me anymore but know that I love you and would be willing to do anything to help you get through the pain and shame my betrayal must have caused. At the time, I did not forsee the hurt this would bring about. It seems very foolish in retrospect, and it was. My selfishness has caused more damage than I can repair in this lifetime but because I LOVE you I am WILLING to do whatever I can to repair or at least improve our relationship. And because I LOVE YOU I will also respect any decision you make regarding contact with me. Despite the errors of my choices, I will always love you and I will always be your mother. This more, than anything means I want you to be happy and not burdened with this any longer than you have been. If there was a way I could undo all of this, I would do it right away, but there isn't abd what's done, is sadly done."

[Clay]

Seems your boys have a healthy boundary - and you crossed it - good for them.

 

This is part of the consequences when you choose to cheat.

 

Acceptance will help.

 

You stomped on the relationship with them - they don't trust you. They more likely won't ever trust "women" because of your choice to cheat.

 

Umm. I agree with your point and you are right but that is seriously messed up. I and doing everything I can for my son not to carry this stuff with him and I am failing and wow does this really piss me off. I did not cause this pain I did not betray them but I get to watch him suffer.

 

Lost,

I hope you have better success than I am having with mine.

 

 

Clay

[LostMother]

I would suggest something more than an annual letter...seems too business like.

 

Acknowledge them on significant days. Cards, gifts, whatever you have done in the past. Make it about them...ie: Hope all is well with you. Thinking of you.

 

 

That's all you can do. You can not force yourself into their life. It has to be at their speed, it has nothing to do with being an unforgiving person...they were/are hurt...by their Mother. It cuts to the core of a person, when a parent hurts us. For some, it takes a life time to heal.

 

I have and still do send them cards and gifts for important days such as Christmas, their birthday. I also send care packages from time to time.

[LostMother]

We all take responsibility for our own actions. You can't take responsibility for hers nor her yours. I admit I am reading your thread with great interest as my children have chosen not to speak to their father after he was discovered to have had a long term affair. Unlike you, everyone else is at fault for his actions.

 

I agree with everything you have stated. We also have to take into account what we do does lead to other peoples actions and choices. If I never tried to hide my affair my children would have never seen the emails.

[beach]

I agree with everything you have stated. We also have to take into account what we do does lead to other peoples actions and choices. If I never tried to hide my affair my children would have never seen the emails.

 

Are you serious? And this makes it ok?

 

Read dreamingoftigers post! The harm you've caused may be unforgivable to them!

[dreamingoftigers]

Umm. I agree with your point and you are right but that is seriously messed up. I and doing everything I can for my son not to carry this stuff with him and I am failing and wow does this really piss me off. I did not cause this pain I did not betray them but I get to watch him suffer.

 

Lost,

I hope you have better success than I am having with mine.

 

 

Clay

 

Yeah, I struggle with "man issues" a lot because I caught my father, and then my husband three weeks later.

 

It completely smashes ones world-view.

And I was older than these two boys.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, they feel like "Jeez Lady, we trusted you and you made our Dad and us eat a crap sandwich. Why the Hell is it up to us to make you feel better about it. No Sh*t you "feel bad" you did something horrible. Now leave us àlone and let us get over it. And Dad needs to leave us the Hell alone too and be on our sure instead of always being on yours because that's what got him eating that crap sandwich in the first place."

[Clay]

Yeah, I struggle with "man issues" a lot because I caught my father, and then my husband three weeks later.

 

It completely smashes ones world-view.

And I was older than these two boys.

 

I am so sorry to hear that.

I hope you are doing better and your kids are as well.

 

Clay

[twosadthings]

I'm not sure I can give you any advice beyond keep trying. Your sons' attitude toward any woman they have a relationship with will depend on your perseverance in this matter.

 

You don't characterize your relationship with your daughter, but perhaps she can intercede on your behalf or at least be a channel of communication with your sons. Big brothers can't help but be beholden to little sisters.

 

Your family is torn apart and each of you are hurting individually but now is when your efforts must be redoubled. A mother can and would do no less.

 

Good luck, buona fortuna and buena suerte,

 

Twosadthings

[whatatangledweb]

My husband's mother cheated. The kids knew and was teased by other kids that their mom was doing the coach. His dad tried to get her to end it, she wouldn't. Two of his siblings were young teens and the other two were much younger. They divorced. Two sided with mom and two sided with dad. It took them over a decade to even try to be nice to her. It has been over 35 years now and they all still talk about the fact that she cheated. One son is close to her now and the rest tolerate her but still do not respect her.

They feel this way because she embarassed them for several years by doing this openly and dragging them with her to see him. They were a happy family before and they blame her for destroying their childhood.

 

They may forgive you over the years as they mature and make mistakes of their own. My MIL never apologized to any of them and I believe that is why they are not close. I understand why my parents made mistakes as I made my own. I learned to forgive them.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I would like to think my ExH and I raised our children to righteous individuals. They always showed me respect and never talked back.

 

As of now they are not living the way I would like them to live. They seem to be living a very carefree and with no regard for themselves or the people around them and showing little to no respect to others. Not the way I taught them to act.

 

This could be because you disrespected their father and them. You did not show any regard to their well-being.

 

They could have the view of "I played by the rules and still got served a dung sandwich. My dad played by the rules and was served a dung sandwich. Why play by the rules?"