My kids won't speak to me because of my affair

[beach]

Did you consider there would be consequences while you were cheating?

[RTBP]

Wow this is sad. I can understand the kids point of view though. When I was old enough to comprehend my dad's serial cheating I cut him and his side of the family out of my life. Haven't spoken to any of them since I was 12.

 

I wish you luck on re-establishing a relationship with your boys LostMother. Unless I'm reading it wrong you still have feelings for your ex? Why not try to get back together with him? Not necessarily get re-married or anything but if you two can find it in yourselves to start dating again openly.

[Scott Thomas]

Sadly, there's not much you can do apart from trying to reach out and win their forgiveness. Over time, they might forgive you. Then there's the possibility that they might never forgive you no matter how hard you try. Only time will tell.

 

I believe the vast majority of the posters do feel sad for you and understand your predicament. However, it's also likely that your sons might never forgive you-it's a risk you knowingly took when you started the affair. No apology or gift will overcome the fact that you betrayed them. We reap as we sow.

 

Do not abandon hope and work on improving your relationship with your daughter. You could use your daughter to try and bridge the gap. Hopefully, you're sons will forgive you one day.

 

While I do feel bad for you and believe that they've 'punished' you enough, the sad part is that your sons will be haunted forever and might experience difficulty maintaining relationships with women.

Was the affair with a close family friend/ distant relative/ someone close to your family?

[Furious]

I had an affair 3 years ago and my husband found through the other man’s wife. I am 42 and we were married for 17 years. We had a total of 3 kids together. It was a terrible mistake and I paid for it by losing my marriage

 

My son's are 19 and 20 now and they refuse to talk or see me since it happened.My ex had custody of both of them but we live in different countries now. I've done everything I could to show them how sorry I am but I can't get through to them. I live alone and I've depressed for over a the years. Not being able to see them has left a terrible ache in my heart, and if I could give up my left arm,leg, anything just for them to acknowledge me again and have some sort ofrelationship I would do it.

 

Is there anything I can possibly do at this point? I don't know if life is worth living with my children hating me. And yes, I know what I did was wrong so please don't pile it on me anymore, I've paid the highest price possible and lost everything. All I want is to be a mother to my sons again

 

Older children take it harder, especially those in their teens. As a teenager they are navigating from childhood into adulthood. So many teens are very black and white in how they see themselves and the world around them.

 

In my situation my children were confused and angry. Most kids cannot tolerate "do as I say and not what I do". Also they feel betrayed in their own way. Maybe, Mom or Dad, were absent in their life during the affair, perhaps short tempered with them , which can be quite common. Most WS believe they can juggle a separate life and what the kids don't know won't hurt them.

 

I do hope with time that you and your children can be close again as it's very obvious you love them dearly.

 

Read up on how infidelity affects children and how you can navigate towards being a part of ther lives again.

 

I believe in forgiveness and second chances.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

My father cheated.

 

Yes, it was about betrayal and destroying the family. And as I became a teenager there came an understanding that my dad chose sex over his family. Risked it all for what? Yes, sometimes that is what it comes down to. And how can you open your heart again to someone who quite deliberately and flagrantly disregarded it and tore it out. Hard lesson learnt at a young age. My father chose another woman over his children. He did what he wanted, without any consideration of us. We were not #1 (he was) ...or #2 (his girlfriend was)...or even #3 (the other womans children).... we were not important. Choices he has made since that day, reinforce that concept, and he has basically confirmed it to be true. We are not a priority in his life, and really, we never were.

 

You need to prove to your children again that they are a priority. Right now they don't believe it because you risked it all for sex. And you didn't put them first. You didn't value your family, you betrayed them and their father and disrespected yourself. And if your affair is known by others outside the family, they probably carry some of the shame.

 

Stay connected the exact way that you are. Care packages and cards and letters for special occasions. Show them that you are sorry, not because you got caught and are now suffering the consequences, but sorry you disregarded them throughout your affair. Sorry that you exposed them to that level of hurt. Sorry that you didn't put them first....and keep trying to show them that they are now your first priority. I'm afraid you just have to give them time.

 

It wasn't right for the BW. to email your children, but if you had never written the words there would never have been anything to send. But that is the risk you take with affairs. I posted about this a few weeks ago about the impact of infidelity on children. Sadly, when the affair is exposed, you are unable to control the human aspect. I think it bears repeating to those engaged in affairs that it is out of your control how the affair is discovered, how it is revealed to your children and how your children react. Prepare for the worst when emotions run high.

 

I am sad for you, as a mother. What you are going through is devastating, and I'm sorry for that.

 

As a child of infidelity, I can't help but be sad for the fact that this was quite easily avoidable....if you had just put your children first.

[Mamma]

Hi

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering.

 

I protected my WS's image so fiercely with my children through the years,that they blame me for the breakdown of our relationship.

 

What I have found is that sometimes we are ready to ask forgiveness from our kids,but they are just not ready to receive that forgivess and reciprocate.

 

You will have to keep trying,keep being consistent in your efforts.And the time will come that they will be ready for healing.

 

A friend of mine had to flee from her abusive husband in Portugal,leaving her boy behind at the age of 11.She has been trying to make contact with him for 9 years and he consistently rejected her,all the time.

 

But,through her persistance,I recently saw on facebook that he is actually moving to the country she lives in now on the 20th of November,to be with her.

 

You will have to be patient,be consistent and to understand that it is worth waiting for.You cannot give up on life because it is hard and difficult now.You need to allow them to come to you when they are ready,for all of you to heal.

 

In the mean rime.Work on your own healing.Live that good life of integrity and values important to you until you are reconciled with your children.

 

xxo

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I am sad for you, as a mother. What you are going through is devastating, and I'm sorry for that.

 

As a child of infidelity, I can't help but be sad for the fact that this was quite easily avoidable....if you had just put your children first.

 

I feel that strange dichotomy as well.

 

As a mother, I can see how much my child means to me and how I wouldn't put her through that. BUT I can see how so many people think that "the kids will understand OR they will never know anyhow" so why not?

 

As a child of infidelity, I completely see it from the other perspective and to this day it makes my blood boil in anger.

 

Since my husband was also a cheater, and he was caught when I was eight months pregnant, I found it harder to bond with my child. I never got to feel like we were a "real family."

 

And that makes my blood boil too. And I am angry on behalf of my daughter because I don't even know what effect that might have had on her and her father is her hero. She loves him very much.

 

Adultery breeds nothing but destruction and resent. This thread really brought up a bunch of emotion for me that I thought I had dealt with awhile ago. Your children will have the same responses for a very long time.

[Jonah]

Just keep writing and sending cards. Just write what you think... that you miss them. Send the Christmas gifts like you want. And don't give up. Just keep writing. Sooner or later you'll catch them at the right time. Avoid the subject unless prompted I think. You need counseling on how to let go and start a new life. Find your own happiness. Your not a refugee... be kind to and love thyself.

[Jonah]

You might have to give it the rest of the decade but if your kids ever do mature then this rebonding will take place. In the mean time, just loose your x and your h and go build yourself a new life. Have some fun, start anew.

[Speakingofwhich]

I haven't read the whole thread but here's what I'd do in your place.

 

I would quit trying to contact them, at all. But, I would send them nice birthday and Christmas gifts with tags on them that say, "Love, Mom." No guilt stuff written.

 

And then pray. Give them space, remember b'days and Christmases and pray. It's God's plan for Moms and their kids to have relationships and He can work in their minds to remind them of their love for you and to impress them to contact you.

 

I've seen the above work.

[beach]

I haven't read the whole thread but here's what I'd do in your place.

 

I would quit trying to contact them, at all. But, I would send them nice birthday and Christmas gifts with tags on them that say, "Love, Mom." No guilt stuff written.

 

And then pray. Give them space, remember b'days and Christmases and pray. It's God's plan for Moms and their kids to have relationships and He can work in their minds to remind them of their love for you and to impress them to contact you.

 

I've seen the above work.

 

I agree with the not sending letters.

 

They are receiving them well - and have indicated they don't want contact with you right now.

 

I'd take that sign from them and honor their wishes. No contact.

 

Wait until they tell you they wish for you to step back into their lives.

 

They may need space and room to heal - respect their wishes, for now.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I agree with the not sending letters.

 

They are receiving them well - and have indicated they don't want contact with you right now.

 

I'd take that sign from them and honor their wishes. No contact.

 

Wait until they tell you they wish for you to step back into their lives.

 

They may need space and room to heal - respect their wishes, for now.

 

Disagree.

 

No contact in a child's mind is tantamount to abandonment. It isn't enough she destroyed the family, but she doesn't contact her children? No, sorry. Been there lived that, got the t-shirt and it sucked. Never go NC with your own children, unless you want to destroy the relationship for good.

[rumbleseat]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm a mom too, and I can't imagine the pain you must feel right now.

 

 

I can understand your kids actions in a way. It sounds like they always looked up to you, and now the feel like you let them down. It's always painful to find out he heroes have feet of clay.

 

My best advice to you would be to give it time, as they grow and mature, they'll get more life experience and see that while what you did was wrong, you are still a good person and love them very much.

 

It also sounds as if they are a lot of anger and hurt that they haven't dealt with, is there any way at all that your ex husband could somehow encourage them to get some counselling so they can deal with their feelings? I know they are basically adults now, but he may be able to encourage them to help themselves.

 

I do wat to than you for being brave enough to come on here and share your story. It couldn't have been easy, and it provides a good cautionary tale about the real effect that an affair can have.

 

I hope that with time and patience, things will get better between you and your kids.

[Lokahi117]

How long was the affair and how involved? Were u planning on leaving your husband for your other man? What did the emails sent to the kids contain? Were they just emails saying your mom has been sleeping with my husband, or were they graphic in nature?

 

It's all important to give you the best advice, but I also wanted to thank you for coming to share your story here. I'm sorry you're in this place right now. Also remember too that my father complains constantly at how self absorbed "kids" can be. Especially at the ages that yours are. It's entirely possible that they are not only finding it hard to have a relationship with you right now because of the affair, but also because they don't prioritize a relationship with their parents or often their family at this age. They are often all about me me me. So they will grow out of that and see you differently perhaps. Cause right now they are still young so they probably can't see past how the affair and your choices affected them. When they mature, they may see how your affair while selfish, may have had a lot to do with your life and your husbands and that they will have their own failures that they will want forgiveness for and that tends to make people very forgiving, once they fall off their high horse.

 

Also I'm a betrayed husband, and I want to say that a lot of responses you'll read about " we'll you should have thought about that before you cheated ". Or sometimes affairs have consequences". Or even some others who children have been angry at the ws......those are often people who are still angry and hurt and can't see each person as separate and not all the same as their wayward spouse.

 

I have not told my children nor do I ever want them to know and those who do think this is a good idea are being almost as selfish as the cheater. Because they too are not thinking of what is best for their children, just like the cheater didn't when they cheated.

[Grumpybutfun]

LostMother:

As a man, I have been trying to put myself in the shoes of your two grown children. I have been imagining what I would need in order to reconcile and be in the life of a parent who hurt me in this way. I just keep thinking that I would need love, constant appreciation and reminders that my mother/father loves me unconditionally. I could see myself brightening a little with texts telling me about something that reminded you of me, or just an I Love You and believe in you text sometimes, maybe a funny card for holidays or just silly days like Star Wars Day or something they enjoy. I think home baked cookies and cakes that remind them of their childhood or photo books of happier, simpler times would be appreciated to remind them that you are a part of their histories and their childhoods. Perhaps leave voice mails that say, "I am here for you always if you need me." Slowly, the ice will begin to melt and they will learn from their own growing up period that sometimes we do terrible things to the detriment of others.

Thank you for your post. I hope many people read this and understand that infidelity can have such far reaching consequences that no immediate payoff is worth the pain. I also hope you find peace and forgive yourself.

Best,

Grumps

[Solcita2]

HI! I read your entire threat. I haven't been in the same situation you're in but I can speak from what I've seen in two similar cases in my friends' parents separation.

 

In the case of the cheating husband, the couple divorced and he moved back to his hometown. He lost contact with his kids but mostly because of all the sh*t his xW told them about him... They got married and are having kids on their own right now, and the father finds out about it through facebook or through friends... they refuse to speak to him... HOWEVER, the main reason why is the xW pushing them and telling them a lot of sh*t... and because she was always a sah mom they were always closer to her.

 

The big difference with your situation is that your xH is not trying to break you up... and he's even helpful... which I see as a good point... why do I say that?

 

In the other case, the cheating was the Mom... but it wasn't just an affair, she slept with many guys from a small town (everybody knew but her kids)... then she left her H and moved in with her latest sextoy. She couldn't care less about her kids and when they divorced she did not ask for custody and they moved with their dad back to BsAs (where he was relocated for his job), who used to work like 10 hours per day.

The kids were in different ages, the oldest was already married and out of the picture. The second one was already living by his own and the two youngest (around my age, by that time they were pre teens) stayed with their dad, who eventually got remarried and had another kid.

 

All that time they had almost no contact with their mother, who couldn't care less about them. BUT, their dad NEVER badmouth about her... he just divorced her and didn't make a big drama about it...

 

Time went by, the kids grew up, got married and now THEY are the ones trying to have a relationship with their mom, once they became parents realized they didn't want to lose the connection... Sadly she couldn't care less (she got married very young and regrets it).

I was very shock this happened to this family, I didn't know this was going on until a time later... to me they were a normal family. She was younger than her husband and was kinda flirty around, but I never thought she would abandon their kids or actually cheat, she was the hotest mom in the neightborhood but from that to what later happened there's a big road...

 

So... I think you have to give them time... DO NOT PRESSURE THEM because by doing that the only thing you will achieve is to push them away... patientce... you have to have TONS OF IT...

 

How nasty was the divorce? This could also have something to do...

 

Your child living in Argentina, is he in contact with your family? How was the family reaction to the separation?

[aliveagain]

I would like to think my ExH and I raised our children to righteous individuals. They always showed me respect and never talked back.

 

As of now they are not living the way I would like them to live. They seem to be living a very carefree and with no regard for themselves or the people around them and showing little to no respect to others. Not the way I taught them to act.

 

No knows that I still see my ExH and it’s only a few times a year. That’s only between me and him no one else knows

 

You may have taught them but you showed them something else, you didn't act the way children expect their mother to act, they know you hurt other people. They need to see you getting help for how you acted, they need to see you working on yourself. One day they will have children, they too will be affected unless you and your husband find a way to resolve this.

[Scott Thomas]

Go to the forum 'Talk about Marriage'

 

Read the thread posted by 'missthelove2013'. The thread's title is "Infidelity's affect on children...finally ready to tell MY story..."

 

His mother cheated on his father and he never forgave her. He might sound a bit vindictive but reading his posts might help you understand how your sons feel about you.

[LostMother]

Are you serious? And this makes it ok?

 

Read dreamingoftigers post! The harm you've caused may be unforgivable to them!

 

 

Of course I am serious my poor actions have led to everything that’s has happened and is happening. Things happen because we set them in motion nothing just happens. Everything has a cause and effect. We may not know the effect (consequences) our actions may have at the time. That does not mean they are not there. They are thing we can only know after everything is said and done.

[LostMother]

Did you consider there would be consequences while you were cheating?

 

 

My affair lasted a little more than a month and we were only physical with each once. I only realized consequences my actions could have after I already crossed the line. I knew if my then husband ever found out that a divorce would follow. I tried my hardest to hide everything and cut the other man out of my life and I did. A few months later his wife found the emails and that’s when everything fell apart.

[drifter777]

I have and still do send them cards and gifts for important days such as Christmas, their birthday. I also send care packages from time to time.

This is not going to earn you any points with them. Neither is hoping time will heal all wounds or waiting for them to "grow up". Unfortunately for you, they were grown up enough to take the devastation you caused personally as well as see it as a dagger in the back of their father and their mother acting like a slut. Deep damage that they can hold on to for the rest of their lives. I know many people who have no relationship at all with either their dad, mom, or both. It is possible you've lost them forever, but I think you already know that.

 

Sending cards and gifts is like spitting on a forest fire. You might feel like you are doing something that helps but it is way too little way too late. If you are serious then pick up and move to where they live. Try to get them to go to family counseling with you & your ex-husband. Work hard - really hard - to earn back their trust and respect. No matter how much they resist, try to make them understand that you love them, they had nothing to do with your decision to cheat, and most importantly that you accept all of the fault for destroying the family and the security they thought they had. If you aren't willing to do this then posting here or anywhere else on the Internet is a waste of time. You think you are showing them your love but instead you are showing them that they are not worth the effort it takes for you to relocate and beg for their forgiveness every day - in person.

[jnel921]

This is the part of A's that really gets me. If you are a in a M of many years and have children how do you expect them to understand your an A?

 

The selfishness alone and total disregard of your family is surely not without consequence.

 

Its a shame that at discovery is when all hell breaks loose and crap hits the fan. It is then when everyone is so sorry. But I believe if any WS can keep their A under wraps without getting caught they would keep it going for years and years.

 

Divorce does affect children. I don't know how you handled yours that they are so angry with you.

 

I got divorced from my first WH. Luckily they were babies. But when it happened again with father's next M they definitely felt some way about it as it did affect their life and still does. Their x stepmother had their dad fired from his job. He had a great salary and benefits. He was out of work for a year and then had to move to another state to be able to send me child support. He hasn't had overnight visits with them in over 2 years and my son will be going to college next year and his dad cant help him with any of it.

 

So that responsibility is my own and now my current H. Is this fair? Of course not. But you see how wanting to screw someone just because it makes you feel better affect your M or the rest of the people you were supposed to hold in a higher regard, who are counting on you to be there for them? I am sure their question, which was the question my own kids had, was why was this person so important to you? Important enough to lie to us, important enough to hurt your W? Why risk your family? What did this woman who lived clear across the country have or do that made your attention go from us to her?

 

He of course was never honest about any of his answers. So however my kids are towards him. He showed them his true colors and earned that title.

 

You need to deal with your feelings and work on the relationship you have with your kids. Hopefully they will forgive you.

[jnel921]

My son's are 19 and 20 now and they refuse to talk or see me since it happened.My ex had custody of both of them but we live in different countries now.

 

How is it that your H was allowed to take your sons and move to another country?

 

What is your real deal? Did you not fight tooth and nail on this?

[LostMother]

Wow this is sad. I can understand the kids point of view though. When I was old enough to comprehend my dad's serial cheating I cut him and his side of the family out of my life. Haven't spoken to any of them since I was 12.

 

I wish you luck on re-establishing a relationship with your boys LostMother. Unless I'm reading it wrong you still have feelings for your ex? Why not try to get back together with him? Not necessarily get re-married or anything but if you two can find it in yourselves to start dating again openly.

 

Yes I still love and am in love with my ExH. I have tried to bring us back together over the years to no avail. I have known my husband since birth and we have literally known each other our entire lives. I would like nothing more too able be with him again. As of now it doesn’t seem feasible.

[LostMother]

This is not going to earn you any points with them. Neither is hoping time will heal all wounds or waiting for them to "grow up". Unfortunately for you, they were grown up enough to take the devastation you caused personally as well as see it as a dagger in the back of their father and their mother acting like a slut. Deep damage that they can hold on to for the rest of their lives. I know many people who have no relationship at all with either their dad, mom, or both. It is possible you've lost them forever, but I think you already know that.

 

Sending cards and gifts is like spitting on a forest fire. You might feel like you are doing something that helps but it is way too little way too late. If you are serious then pick up and move to where they live. Try to get them to go to family counseling with you & your ex-husband. Work hard - really hard - to earn back their trust and respect. No matter how much they resist, try to make them understand that you love them, they had nothing to do with your decision to cheat, and most importantly that you accept all of the fault for destroying the family and the security they thought they had. If you aren't willing to do this then posting here or anywhere else on the Internet is a waste of time. You think you are showing them your love but instead you are showing them that they are not worth the effort it takes for you to relocate and beg for their forgiveness every day - in person.

 

Both my sons live in different countries. I also still have to care for my daughter. I cannot pick up and leave. I have tried countless times to bring them with to family counseling they never even showed the slightest of interest in attending any form of counseling with me.