My kids won't speak to me because of my affair

[crederer]

I would like to think my ExH and I raised our children to righteous individuals. They always showed me respect and never talked back.

 

As of now they are not living the way I would like them to live. They seem to be living a very carefree and with no regard for themselves or the people around them and showing little to no respect to others. Not the way I taught them to act.

 

No knows that I still see my ExH and it’s only a few times a year. That’s only between me and him no one else knows

 

You didn't teach them that? Really? I think you absolutely did through your actions. Most people learn through behaviours, not words.

 

I was in the same position as your kids when I was their age. I went a good year or so without talking to her. I only talk to her out of a sense of obligation but to be brutally honest I wouldn't really care if I still wasn't talking to her. She was extremely selfish, destroyed the family and I was ashamed. It's not that she wanted to leave, it's how she went about it.

 

Another thing that was hard for me was I felt like I didn't know her, like she was a stranger. Everything she taught me went against what she did. Who is this person? Everything she's done up until now has just been an act.

 

The guy she left for's kids are not speaking to him still, after 4 or 5 years. They both villianize his exW stating that she must be talking bad about him in order for them not to want to see their beloved father.

 

The reality is that they're both in a selfish state of mind. Everything is about how it affects them, and they don't care or notice how other people are affected.

 

My mom will try to talk it out with me from time to time but everything always ends up with her getting defensive and saying things like "I understand how you feel, BUT....." or "why can't you just be happy for me"? So again, it's all about her feelings.

 

Basically, I still talk to her now but things will never be the same, the bond isn't the same. She ruined it all with her affair. She acts like she is the only one suffering the consequences but the reality is that the whole family is suffering the consequences of HER actions.

[drifter777]

Both my sons live in different countries. I also still have to care for my daughter. I cannot pick up and leave. I have tried countless times to bring them with to family counseling they never even showed the slightest of interest in attending any form of counseling with me.

Then just keep wishing for things to get better.

[Artie Lang]

i seem to recall a thread some time ago that described a similar situation.

 

was this you?

[LostMother]

Go to the forum 'Talk about Marriage'

 

Read the thread posted by 'missthelove2013'. The thread's title is "Infidelity's affect on children...finally ready to tell MY story..."

 

His mother cheated on his father and he never forgave her. He might sound a bit vindictive but reading his posts might help you understand how your sons feel about you.

 

I stared to read the thread you mentioned above. It’s has to be one of the saddest I have ever read.

 

What his mother went through has to be my greatest fear. I don’t know how much longer I can go with the way things are. The pain of not being able to see them is too much.

[LostMother]

i seem to recall a thread some time ago that described a similar situation.

 

was this you?

 

 

I have posted before on another website years ago. I don’t remember the name it had more to do with parenting.

[thecharade]

I am sorry for your situation.

 

Is it in any way cultural, as in sexism within the culture? Would they have been as angry and unforgiving if your H had cheated? Just wondering. Your situation has a feel of harsh female condemnation, as if they cannot/will not excuse a woman of doing this. Sexual roles within a culture often contribute to boys holding differing expectations of their parents/genders. Your affair was so brief and your H pushed you away immediately, even though he obviously still wants you and loves you. Are females ever forgiven? Your H's quick rejection seems to mirror your sons' quick rejection.

 

Good luck. I really hope things work out.

[Scott Thomas]

I am sorry for your situation.

 

Is it in any way cultural, as in sexism within the culture? Would they have been as angry and unforgiving if your H had cheated? Just wondering. Your situation has a feel of harsh female condemnation, as if they cannot/will not excuse a woman of doing this. Sexual roles within a culture often contribute to boys holding differing expectations of their parents/genders. Your affair was so brief and your H pushed you away immediately, even though he obviously still wants you and loves you. Are females ever forgiven? Your H's quick rejection seems to mirror your sons' quick rejection.

 

Good luck. I really hope things work out.

 

So her husband/sons are chauvinists? They're discriminating against her because of her gender and not because of her actions?

Edited November 3, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[miguelcervantes]

I understand the cultural aspect here. I guess the point has some validity. While what LostMother did is unforgivable and I fully understand the reaction of the husband and sons, it is true that in Latin, Middle Eastern and certain other cultures, dealing with a man's indiscretions in a family is sometimes treated more leniently than a woman's. I know of many such cases where the "dad" would cheat, but would eventually be forgiven and taken back in whereas a woman in the same extended family would have been completely ostracised. I guess there is probably an element of this in your case LostMother, although it doesn't excuse in any way what you did. I know that you say that your ex-H tried to get your sons to talk to you but I do not believe that he tried hard enough (and at the time was probably secretly pleased with their response to you). To make this work he is going to have to really sit down with them and explain stuff to them e.g. about people being human and having weaknesses but also just how much you do love them and are suffering currently. Most of all he will have to get above their machoism and make them feel some empathy with the hell you are going through. This is a lot of work for your ex-H and I am not sure he is up to it. I hope I am wrong.

[LostMother]

I am sorry for your situation.

 

Is it in any way cultural, as in sexism within the culture? Would they have been as angry and unforgiving if your H had cheated? Just wondering. Your situation has a feel of harsh female condemnation, as if they cannot/will not excuse a woman of doing this. Sexual roles within a culture often contribute to boys holding differing expectations of their parents/genders. Your affair was so brief and your H pushed you away immediately, even though he obviously still wants you and loves you. Are females ever forgiven? Your H's quick rejection seems to mirror your sons' quick rejection.

 

Good luck. I really hope things work out.

 

Latin America is still a very male dominated world and we tend take things more seriously and dramatically, than Anglo culture, especially issues dealing with sex and relationships. Latino men are also very alpha or machista. This has played big part in why my then husband was so quick to move on.

 

My culture may have played apart how thing would transpired with my husband. My culture has very little to do with the reaction my sons are and have had towards my infidelity

[aliveagain]

As an Italian male we put our mothers on the highest pedestal, our sisters second. Sounds like you fell from a very high pedestal. There is nothing you can do to change how they feel in the short term, showing them your getting help to fix what is broken in you will go a long way. They just have to take the time they need to morn the loss of who you were to them. In time they will see you as human with all the associated weakness's, you will always be their mother. Time fix's everything. The best thing that could happen is you move back in with your ex husband, even common-law, the second best thing is your husband forgiving you and stating that to your sons. Keep sending cards, their favorite cookies, stay in their face even if you don't think they are acknowledging you. I cried the hardest when I lost my mother.

[SoleMate]

Never go NC with your own children, unless you want to destroy the relationship for good.

+100

 

Such a sad story. In your shoes, I would just never give up on my kids. Just be the stalwart and faithful mother that you should have been all along. You made a huge mistake and you are paying a terrible price, but my best advice is to never, ever give up on your kids, no matter how hard it is to keep up contact.

[thecharade]

I feel your pain, LostMother. I am not a Latina, but I live and work in a Latin American community, so I understand children and their love for their mother. They are SO devoted! But I am also a woman, a WS, and someone who is remorseful. So, I also understand very well that you are not and were never perfect. Some people pay so little for their sins, while others pay so much. Yet others are punished without ever sinning at all. It can seem so random and unfair to everyone involved. For example, you talk about your remorse and your brief indiscretion and your love for your H, but I have a strong sense that he played a role in all this, as well. While nobody ever "causes" anyone to cheat, many a spouse has refused to look at the holes in their marriage until someone steps out. So sad. Very sad. It seems your husband must realize his own role as he still loves and wants you, but his machismo keeps him from forgiving entirely. Pain all around, I know. I am so, so sorry.

 

Continue to love yourself while you love your sons. They need to see your devotion and your strength as you grow. They will find their way back.

[crederer]

I am sorry for your situation.

 

Is it in any way cultural, as in sexism within the culture? Would they have been as angry and unforgiving if your H had cheated? Just wondering. Your situation has a feel of harsh female condemnation, as if they cannot/will not excuse a woman of doing this. Sexual roles within a culture often contribute to boys holding differing expectations of their parents/genders. Your affair was so brief and your H pushed you away immediately, even though he obviously still wants you and loves you. Are females ever forgiven? Your H's quick rejection seems to mirror your sons' quick rejection.

 

Good luck. I really hope things work out.

 

If my father did the same things as my mother my feelings towards him would be exactly the same as my feelings towards her.

[LostMother]

I understand the cultural aspect here. I guess the point has some validity. While what LostMother did is unforgivable and I fully understand the reaction of the husband and sons, it is true that in Latin, Middle Eastern and certain other cultures, dealing with a man's indiscretions in a family is sometimes treated more leniently than a woman's. I know of many such cases where the "dad" would cheat, but would eventually be forgiven and taken back in whereas a woman in the same extended family would have been completely ostracised. I guess there is probably an element of this in your case LostMother, although it doesn't excuse in any way what you did. I know that you say that your ex-H tried to get your sons to talk to you but I do not believe that he tried hard enough (and at the time was probably secretly pleased with their response to you). To make this work he is going to have to really sit down with them and explain stuff to them e.g. about people being human and having weaknesses but also just how much you do love them and are suffering currently. Most of all he will have to get above their machoism and make them feel some empathy with the hell you are going through. This is a lot of work for your ex-H and I am not sure he is up to it. I hope I am wrong.

 

 

To some extent this is true. If my ExH did something similar I would have forgiven him. I can’t say if my husband was the one to be unfaithful he would receive the same treatment as me. He could have been treated very differently. I don’t think my sons would have reacted the same if it was him. This is because the relationship a son and a father share in my culture is very different from a mother and a son relationship. Most fathers see their sons as equal as friend a role model for their sons to follow. At a very young age my sons were expected to act on their own be responsible for their actions and act as a grown man would. The mother in this case would be the emotional support. I would be the one for them to talk to about certain things mostly about their feelings.

 

My husband has tried. As I stated above my sons will act how they feel is right. My oldest at point told his father if he were to talk to him about me he shouldn’t even call because he would not listen.

[thecharade]

This is a very difficult situation because they almost deem what you've done unforgivable? And what does your daughter feel? Does she have any sway with the boys?

 

I have a limited background in the field of psychology, but you really need guidance from someone who can culturally relate to what the boys are feeling and then offer you guidance. Do you know what typically happens within families when mothers commit infidelity? Is there typically a cooling off period? Do things settle down eventually? You need help from someone who may understand what the boys are thinking and feeling. They are at a tender age, feeling both manly and like little boys. My gut tells me that your fall from the pedestal made them wonder if they can have a woman like they want, if women like the"old you" exist or if their dreams are dead. It can be very confusing at this age, when you are just setting out on your own. Are they hurting for their dad, you, or themselves and their lost dreams? Maybe all of it.

 

They are far from home and busy, avoiding thinking or feeling any of it. But it is there, hurting them. Someone close to you must have an idea, or is this a family secret?

 

What is happening with your exH? Why can you not reconcile?

[LostMother]

As an Italian male we put our mothers on the highest pedestal, our sisters second. Sounds like you fell from a very high pedestal. There is nothing you can do to change how they feel in the short term, showing them your getting help to fix what is broken in you will go a long way. They just have to take the time they need to morn the loss of who you were to them. In time they will see you as human with all the associated weakness's, you will always be their mother. Time fix's everything. The best thing that could happen is you move back in with your ex husband, even common-law, the second best thing is your husband forgiving you and stating that to your sons. Keep sending cards, their favorite cookies, stay in their face even if you don't think they are acknowledging you. I cried the hardest when I lost my mother.

 

This is very true my husband did place me on the highest pedestal. I truly could do no wrong in his eyes. He took great pride and joy being able to provide the way has. He truly saw me as something prefect. The same could be said about my sons. I have already come to terms with the fact I will never be seen in the same light again by either my ExH or my sons.

 

I don’t see how my ExH and I could ever be more than what we are now. I would love nothing more than to be part of his live again. I also wonder if I tried harder trying saving the relationship with my sons instead of my marriage if then would have turned out better. At the time saving my marriage was my main concern. I only stared to think of them after I learned that my marriage no longer could be saved.

 

My husband also comes from Italian decent

[Dark_history]

First off I am truly sorry that you are going through this, I am sure your world is destroyed right now because of this.

 

I want shed some light on this with my situtation and my birth mother. I call her my birth mother because I only recognize the woman as someone that gave birth to me, at the age of 29.

 

My parents separated from one another when I was three years old, and they each were with someone else shortly after. I would be with "mom" on the weekdays, and with "dad" on the weekends. On both sides, money was tight and we lived in poor neighborhoods, the ghetto.

 

To make matters worse for the "mom" side, the man she was with would beat her. As a result, I was the subject of many beatings myself from her, due to stress, at least that is what I figure it to be. To give you an idea, there was a time when she grabbed me by my hair and slamed my chin down on the kitchen table, due to me getting in an arguement with my younger sister, this happened when I was about 8 years old. There were times where I could bribe her with my 5 dollar allowance from "dad" to avoid going to school, and she would take it.

 

Than came the time where she left the state and flew across the country to be with some family for a better job and living conditions. I was about 12 at that point. I'm not sure at what point it happened, some time while I was in my teens, but the only memories I had of her were all the beatings. None of any time of her being a mother, cooking for me, caring for me, none of that, just the beatings.

 

Come the age of 20 and she flies back to see both my sister and me. When I see her, she is like a complete stranger to me, I feel nothing. No love, no hate, nothing. She was out of my life and now was nobody to me, I remembering thinking if something was wrong with me, after all, this was the woman that gave birth to me, wasn't I suppose to feel some sort of love for her?

 

I later realized that no, I was not to suppose to as she was never there as a real mother. Even when she was away and would call me, she did so for needing something from me, one I can recall was wanting me to sign papers to help prove she had lived in the US for X numbers of years. It was always about her, so in my subconoius, I had pushed any feelings of her away.

 

My family world was already destroyed from the beginning, so I do not think there was anything she could have done once she had left. In the same way, your children's world was destroyed, because of the actions you took. However, and I can only assume, if your relationship prior to this was a healthy one with your children, there is hope. You just have to keep trying. If my mother had been good to me when I was younger, and had given the effort to repair the relationship, I could be calling her mom right now.

 

But instead I had forgotten her, and this is my point. Your children right now are trying to forget, because it hurts to remember. It kills them to remember the woman that they loved and trusted hurt them so deeply.Do not let them forget you. Do whatever it takes for them to remember you. Call them on their birthdays, send them very personal gifts, always wish them well, and remind them that you love them no matter what. My prays go out to you.

[LostMother]

This is a very difficult situation because they almost deem what you've done unforgivable? And what does your daughter feel? Does she have any sway with the boys?

 

I have a limited background in the field of psychology, but you really need guidance from someone who can culturally relate to what the boys are feeling and then offer you guidance. Do you know what typically happens within families when mothers commit infidelity? Is there typically a cooling off period? Do things settle down eventually? You need help from someone who may understand what the boys are thinking and feeling. They are at a tender age, feeling both manly and like little boys. My gut tells me that your fall from the pedestal made them wonder if they can have a woman like they want, if women like the"old you" exist or if their dreams are dead. It can be very confusing at this age, when you are just setting out on your own. Are they hurting for their dad, you, or themselves and their lost dreams? Maybe all of it.

 

They are far from home and busy, avoiding thinking or feeling any of it. But it is there, hurting them. Someone close to you must have an idea, or is this a family secret?

 

What is happening with your exH? Why can you not reconcile?

 

 

My daughter was and is very disappointed in me. She knows I had an affair and it caused the divorce. She unlike my sons did not read the emails. The relationship we share isn’t as strong as before but we are still very close. My daughter is very close to her brothers and they the 3 of them are in constant contact. My daughter is my main connection to my sons, she tells how they are doing and what they are doing.

 

I have been to counseling and have talked to others about my situation. There isn’t a lot of information out there.In general after a period of time the mother is forgiven or the other extreme happens and she is never forgiven. Most counselors have a trouble understand my sons feeling or understanding what they could be going through given their lifestyle isn’t one many people ever get to experience. That alone can cause many personal issues to develop.

 

Why can my ExH and I not reconcile. Is a very hard questionto answer? I truly don’t know why he isn’t willing to reconcile maybe the painand betray is too great or it could simply be is pride. We have never actually talked about the affair. Every time I bring he would change the subject. His career also makes difficult for him to have any kind of relationship with anyone.

[LostMother]

It's probably easier for your sons to run away than it is for them to face the emotional scars and pain in their past. The truth is, until they deal with their past correctly, as you have, truly moving on in a healthy way is impossible. It's so sad to me to think about how they are trying so hard to move forward, determined to forget about the pain back there. There can be no healing until the past is addressed correctly and overcome.

 

Could the key to reconciliation with your children be for them to see and know how their father has forgiven you and still cares for you deeply? Perhaps seeing that he has forgiven your past and found emotionally healing would help them to do the same. It might be worth having that conversation with him. I think the best case scenario is for you and he to be restored fully, married once again. I pray for that.

 

 

 

Truly I don’t know how much of an influence reconciliation with my Ex-H will have on my two sons. It could be a turning point and help me fix my relationship with them. My sons have always admired and respected their father. It could help them learn to forgive me learning their father has.

 

The only problem is reconciliation doesn’t seem as apossible answer. As I don’t see my Ex-H every agreeing to a reconcile with me.

[harrybrown]

Sometimes a person can not get past the hurt. It never seems to go away.

 

Maybe with some time your exH pain will be less. I am hoping someday it will be less.

 

It has been 3 years, but her A could still be going on. She has killed everything inside me, especially any good feelings for her.

 

Hope your H is a better man than I am. Maybe he will get past the pain.

 

I am doing the 180 to help the pain be less. I never thought she would do this to me. I thought she had morals. I was wrong.

 

Hope your family heals in the future.