down hearted Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I have never once disrespected her in anyway, i just now realized she is a manipulative evil human being. I have been by her side ever since, whenever she called i was there, when she would tell me jump i would say how high, if she told me i need you to be here now, i was there much earlier than she desired. I really did care for her and just now realize that she is horrible person. She has been having domestic disputes with my father in law, they both get physically abusive with each other and she provokes him a lot too she he reacts. Then she cries to everyone the "im a victim" story. But last time it got really bad, mind you she calls me all the time to tell me her story and issues and i listen and advice her but she doesnt listen its as though she likes to be abused and she likes to be treated like that. Last time it got really bad, my father in law was fed up and he started drinking and became drunk as heck. She then started hitting him and insulting him and his mother (she hates her mother in law) and my father in law reacted in a very violent manner and hit her (there are so many sides to every story so i don't even know exact details because my mother in law is all victim and now she says i provoked it i admit) so i don't understand why argue with a drunk, but anyway so after that she left to stay at a friend's house because she says she was terrified for her life because my father inlaw threatened to kill her YET in the same night she returns back to the house that she KNOWS my father in law is still in!!! I dont frigging get her. now flash forward to present time, i noticed things were getting WAYYYY out of control so although my husband is deployed he still calls me every single day. I got worried and i told him somewhat what was going on because in my mind god forbid if something were to happen to one of his parents and am here with them his first question would be you talk to me everyday why didn't you tell me etc... so i told him somewhat an idea of what was going on not details. (my mother in law calls my husband for anything she was going to email him an essay with all her marital problems with his dad but never ended up doing since she was so busy as you can see) anyway, when i spoke with my husband i asked for his advice, and he told me dont go to my parents house dont speak to my parents only to my sister and nobody else. i rather you be safe and worry about your family otherwise go back to our home. My mother in law then logged in and saw my husband online and she started to cuss him out so my husband responded then i get a call and text messages saying who the F**** am i , i am a nobody blah blah blah to be telling her son her personal issues YETTT she calls and emails him for anything, if she has a pimple on her toe she calls if she is tired she calls if she breaths she calls and on top of that if i am a nobody why call me every minute of every second of the day to tell me your personal problems. She doesnt want me talking to my husband, she doesnt want me communicating with him she only wants me to say certain things that she feels right making her victim and for my husband to hate his dad she is horrible and long story short the same day she called to apologize to me because she knows she messed up, my husband never calls her so she calls me instead to get him on the phone etc.. so obviously she knows she should at least be respectful to me. am so mad, my husband is my husband i tell my husband whatever it is i want and when i saw the situation getting physically dangerous (knifes and pills and the works included) i didnt know what to do so i sought advice on my husband about his parents due to concern! My husband knows that she treated me badly because my mother in law ripped me to shreds in his and his mothers conversation but my husband stuck out for me and was so angry that he doesnt want me talking to his parents he says if things get bad let them call the cops and deal with it. but as the manipulator that she is, my mother in law started to speak philosophically and all this BS that now my husband feels terrible for his mother. I am fear my marriage will end because of this woman. At the moment i do not speak to her because she is used to insulting people and then saying sorry the next day as if nothing and story repeats and am the only one that i feel that if i accept it once she will feel free to do it over and over again. am i doing the right thing i mean my own mother doesnt speak to me that way. and i have been married with my husband 8 years now. how dare she say am a nobody when i helped her through everything was her crying shoulder her therapist pretty much and defended her always. i did nothing wrong imagine if i were to do something wrong, she is just toxic, i dont want anything to do with her. How do i tell my husband i don't want anything to do with his mother ever again? etc? she is so manipulative and she cries victim and my husband eventually believes her, she has been the reason for many of my fights in my marriage she is horrible. oh and check this out, she said this to me through message while i was speaking to my husband " I told you sorry what else do you want i cant do anything else stop talking to my son already" yea she is very apolagetic i mean seriously what the heck! any advice in how to deal with this please? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 If your husband is deployed, there are specific family counseling options available to you. Use them. Keep your interactions with your MIL as short as possible. Don't be at her beck & call. Try not to drag your husband into the middle of it. She's his mother & will always be his mother. If he wants to have a relationship with her, you can't stop him but I get the sense that he knows there's something not right with her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author down hearted Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 (edited) If your husband is deployed, there are specific family counseling options available to you. Use them. Keep your interactions with your MIL as short as possible. Don't be at her beck & call. Try not to drag your husband into the middle of it. She's his mother & will always be his mother. If he wants to have a relationship with her, you can't stop him but I get the sense that he knows there's something not right with her. Thank you, i want my husband to always have a relationship with her dont get me wrong, i just wish he would keep an eye open because she manipulates everyone around her to the point that nobody wants anything to do with her. I was one of them she manipulated until last week. But i guess your right i think my husband gets an idea that his mother is not right. Ever since me and my husband got married she did not let us breath not one day in our married lives. Our honeymoon she called because she felt like moving in with us! While in our honeymoon this lady blew up our phones with non stop calls. I mean if i didnt answer she would call my husband or the hotel even!!! I am so dumb to not have realized before how horrible she truly is. There should be a handbook on how to deal with inlaws! Edited November 1, 2013 by down hearted Link to post Share on other sites
Gagirl Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Read the book "Toxic Inlaws". It had some good stuff in there. I think she also has one called "Toxic Parents" too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 She doesnt want me talking to my husband, she doesnt want me communicating with him she only wants me to say certain things that she feels right Too bad. Your first responsibility is to your husband. Tell her that if she doesn't want you reporting to your husband, to quit doing things in front of you worth reporting. was so angry that he doesnt want me talking to his parents he says if things get bad let them call the cops and deal with it. I agree with your husband. How do i tell my husband i don't want anything to do with his mother ever again? etc? Honestly, I don't know if this is the right time to do that. He's deployed and doesn't need to be worrying about drama back home. I think your best course of action isn't to completely cut her off at this point, but is to detach and distance yourself from her. Don't initiate calls. Don't usually be available if she calls you. Don't play into drama or give any kind of advice or feedback to her. Don't ever ever show any kind of emotional response to anything she says or does. If you are around them when they are arguing, immediately leave (no explanation - just go!) You have to take away her power to manipulate and control situations, and you won't care anymore. As far as her saying you are a "nobody", she's just projecting her own shame onto you. Laugh it off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Block her. Have nothing to do with her. Your husband doesn't like it? Tough ****. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Start recording all the conversations you have with her and save it for when your husband comes home. This is also on HIM since he never stood up to his mom and protected you, had your back. You are his wife and you must come first... Unfortunately though IF your marriage ends because of your MIL and her insults and he believes her over you, it's HIS loss not yours. Don't engage with her anymore. Don't argue or get involved, live your life and forget MIL and FIL, when your H comes home HE can deal with them and their crazy shi.t. Maybe if he sees it up close he'll see you aren't the one who is the problem here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author down hearted Posted November 2, 2013 Author Share Posted November 2, 2013 Thanks everyone for responding i am about to loose my mind my mother in law is truly unbelievable, (she hates her own mother in law and feels she is been horribly treated by her) Yet she is exactly as horrible! Anyways, i have completely blocked her off, no calls no texts, last time she was calling and calling was to be (apologetic which was super fake) so i didnt even respond, no calls, no texts no nothing! I completely blocked her out, my sister in law is young and she absolutely adores me and tells me all the time how much she loves me, yet ever since i stopped answering my MIL i think my MIL is turning her against me too! Because i constantly ask my sister in law how are you, how are you feeling how was your day etc.. and she is not answering me anymore. but its their loss i guess. I am truly hurt because i respected that lady, yet she completely disrespected me and literally cussed me out because i asked my husband for advice to help their parents since things were getting dangerous. she only called me the day after she cussed me out to apologize but i never answered and she didnt call me ever again since then, she is so fake. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Oh boy. Perhaps you should have just left her in the hospital. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 One luxury as an ADULT is we are under no legal obligation to speak to anyone or associate with them. Her "title" does not ENTITLE her to behave poorly to you the Daughter in Law. Pitting sides is probably not healthy...I would recommend remaining neutral and unavailable until the tiger changes her stripes. Sometimes Silence speaks volumes, use it to your advantage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
theothersully Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Step waaay back. You do not need to be involved. You and your husband are the new family. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 If your husband is deployed, there are specific family counseling options available to you. Use them. Keep your interactions with your MIL as short as possible. Don't be at her beck & call. Try not to drag your husband into the middle of it. She's his mother & will always be his mother. If he wants to have a relationship with her, you can't stop him but I get the sense that he knows there's something not right with her. I don't think a spouse's parents have the right to be disrespectful just because they are mothers and fathers. In laws do not have to love each other, but they need to be civil and respectful. If an in-law is being inappropriate, the adult child needs to stand up for their spouse. My husband's mother has made some cutting remarks to me which were unprovoked. I appreciate the way my husband stands up for me in a very respectful manner. His mother responds with shouting "I WISH I NEVER HAD KIDS!" She likes to paint herself as a victim because her two sons defend their wives. My in laws live far away. My husband and I have driven more than 12 hours to see them twice. Each time, my MIL has insulted me and my BIL has made loud scenes with his wife and mother. My husband does not want to visit for a long time and I don't blame him. My husband doesn't want my MIL saying rude things to his wife and he doesn't want to be embarrassed by his brother's behavior. Spouses come first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author down hearted Posted November 2, 2013 Author Share Posted November 2, 2013 I don't think a spouse's parents have the right to be disrespectful just because they are mothers and fathers. In laws do not have to love each other, but they need to be civil and respectful. If an in-law is being inappropriate, the adult child needs to stand up for their spouse. Spouses come first. Hi Nyla, I agree spouses do come first and its a new family starting and a new story begins, i dont understand why in-laws don't accept this part of life. My own parents for instance, they are in no way like this with my brother who is in fact married. My parents are supportive and respectful to both he and his wife (and his wife is a real 2 face hypocrite witch let me tell you) but nobody gets in it, he chose her and we must be respectful to his wife regardless because its his decision to be with her and eventually its up to him to open his eyes as much as it hurts us to sit back and watch!) In my case i have been so good to my in laws to both of them and my MIL had no right, but i feel like if she cursed me out saying F bombs i can not tolerate it and i will not because down the road she might feel she can do it whenever she wants even when children come along and she is in no right, she may be my husbands mother but that doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful when i have been nothing but good to her and did nothing wrong. Eivuwan: It pains me to agree with you, after all the running around i did after worrying so much and crying for her because it hurt me so much to see her in that state, can you believe this woman! theothersully: Agreed! I just wish my MIL understood that me and my husband come first now, She emailed my husband that he cant forget his family (my inlaws and his sister) that they will always come first not my marriage, thats just a temporary state!!!) How can i not be upset Tayla: i agree, i have stayed quiet since the first insult and just completely ignored her, she needs to respect me. I didn't insult her back i didn't argue with her back i just stayed absolutely quiet. Because i was not going to stoop to her level and probably she would cry to my husband as victim telling him how wrongly i treated her. My husband defended me but he still falls prey into her manipulation and acting like a victim stores, i wish he would open his eyes that his mother is just manipulating him! but i dont know what to do? should i tell him anything? or just stay quiet? She has been probably ripping me to shreds to others in my husband's family everyone used to call me and now nobody even texts me, as always turning people against others. This is how she works and i did nothing wrong. The sucky part is the holidays are coming i shouldn't wish her any greetings then either she was so wrong on her part. what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 I sorta disagree that spouses come first. What does come first is civil respect for members of families. Its an accordance to be socially respecting of one anothers differences as well as their likeness's. The MIL does not appear to have gotten that message of being civil. And for that reason, its wise to keep tongue in cheek and minimum action towards her petty antics. Again, no one is saying you have to go out of your way and be cordial after this lastest incident. In fact the best respect you can show is to yourself. Unless you actually talk to the other family members its probably wise to not assume things that may or may not have been said. I've learned to not jump to conclusions when a lunatic is squawking. Let them make a fool of themselves...the truth eventually blossoms. Particularly for this one. Your husbands relation with his mom is best left for him to mend and come to his own conclusion. Say your peace and count your blessings . Link to post Share on other sites
Author down hearted Posted November 3, 2013 Author Share Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) I sorta disagree that spouses come first. What does come first is civil respect for members of families. Its an accordance to be socially respecting of one anothers differences as well as their likeness's. The MIL does not appear to have gotten that message of being civil. And for that reason, its wise to keep tongue in cheek and minimum action towards her petty antics. Again, no one is saying you have to go out of your way and be cordial after this lastest incident. In fact the best respect you can show is to yourself. Unless you actually talk to the other family members its probably wise to not assume things that may or may not have been said. I've learned to not jump to conclusions when a lunatic is squawking. Let them make a fool of themselves...the truth eventually blossoms. Particularly for this one. Your husbands relation with his mom is best left for him to mend and come to his own conclusion. Say your peace and count your blessings . My MIL has intervened in my marriage since day 1 even before we married while dating she was such a burden and i allowed it and took it as a positive and we really got along very very well she couldn't stop saying how grateful she was that my son was with me and nobody else, but came to notice now she is just vicious i guess she feels she has authority over me and my husband to do whatever she pleases with us. She told my husband that my father in law is annoying and she is moving in with us NOT can i move in with you guys is more like "I am letting you know this is going to happen and i will be living with you because am your mother and i raised you bull crap" then she makes my husband feel guilty every time she uses the im your mother am a victim story. I NEVER EVER want this lady living with us, i dont want her toxic-ness around my lovely husband and i and our beautiful marriage and our wonderful healthy relationship, she has caused fights between me and my husband in the past imagine having her under the same roof!! i would shoot myself! how can i make it clear to my husband that no in laws are allowed to live with us, i want to make it fair and include my parents in this agreement although my parents are nothing like his family but just so he sees it goes both ways. I have yet to find a young married couple who have their inlaws living in their home that dont have problems. and since i already know how my MIL works i know this will be a disaster since her own house is one. when i mean live i mean permanently live with us any thoughts? Edited November 3, 2013 by down hearted Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 3, 2013 Share Posted November 3, 2013 On a general note I come from the OLD world of family values, that when the time comes and the parent needs tending too, I will be there. And I was for my mother during her dying days. I have that OLD type of family values that say we do not haul them off to an old folks home simply because its an inconvenience to our lifestyle. Yet at this time , my values aside, I will say this, Your MIL is ill and needs medical help before she goes to anyones' home. She is mentally unstable. Yes you absolutely have a right to keep the door shut where this lady is concerned. Until she changes her ways and becomes respecting of you she isn't welcomed to set up house. She doesn't seem dependent on healthcare by you/husband. to make a blanket statement and ask your spouse to agree to it where family is concerned may not fair well. Sometimes we don't know what the future holds....so be carefull when boldly stating certain things that involve the welfare of another..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author down hearted Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 Yet at this time , my values aside, I will say this, Your MIL is ill and needs medical help before she goes to anyones' home. Yes you absolutely have a right to keep the door shut where this lady is concerned. Until she changes her ways and becomes respecting of you she isn't welcomed to set up house. Sometimes we don't know what the future holds....so be carefull when boldly stating certain things that involve the welfare of another..... Its true what your saying about who knows what the future holds and i am the first to say am all for helping others but she is not ill she's just very stubborn and controlling. Believe me after the whole hospital incident she was evaluated by psychiatrists and psychologists and even her primary doctor that lady is just a pain in the behind. The thing with her is that she feels she is entitled to control others including myself and my husband and probably my future children as well. She told my husband that ever since he got married he stopped talking to her (Which is NOT true) my husband even before we got married he barely called because he is busy with his job (military) and told her many times that he isn't playing around he doesn't have a regular job and when he is off he is tired, she in return blames me for him not calling her! after he explained he is BUSY ugh… so yesterday for the first time after a while she called me, i didn't even bother to pick up to her, i explained to my husband she was very disrespectful and did not want to deal with her for a while as i don't want to say something in the heat of the moment by been disrespectful to his mother and i left it like that. Now, she only texts me or calls to:" tell me about my son, you tell him i say this this this…. and tell him am depressed and tell him his dad hit me and tell him i say blah blah blah poor little old me….and tell him if he doesn't call me he will regret it when i die then he will see its his fault and all nonsense" she didn't even properly apologize to me, so from now on she can contact him directly, she really drives me off the wall!! i can't believe i cared so much for her and truly went out of my way to help her in everything and even cried for her sake after her friend put her in the hospital! am truly scared what will happen to my marriage if my husband allows his mother to move in, i truly am terrified. She says she is leaving to move into our home once he returns from deployment (my husband and i were planning to take 2 weeks off for each other to spend time together since these holidays we won't be together) i guess those plans are off knowing my husband he starts feeling bad for her and eventually does what she says because she cries little poor me all the time Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts