Married and I want friends of opposite sex

[hatsya]

Okay so a brief history about me.. I'm 30, male, got married young at 21. Wife is same age. The first few years were relatively good/OK but then she changed like 6 years ago. I married a happy, bright, young woman who sparkled! Then she gradually became ugly inside.. no joy, extremely passive aggressive, controlling.. stuff like that. Completely changed. She only got worse over the years. Suffice to say, we're very unhappy. We've tried counseling but didn't help. This isn't really the point of my post, though.. I'll explain how it relates now:

 

We're not getting divorced because we have a young daughter. I'm holding out hope that we can figure our marriage out eventually. We're both going through our own processes of healing ourselves. I don't know how long it will take, though..

 

So in the meantime, I feel like I need females in my life. As friends. My wife and I barely interact any more - the only other woman in my life is my mother. That's cool and all but I need FRIENDS. I've always had trouble making friends for some reason (I only really have ONE right now - a guy who lives with us). And I've always preferred the company of women.

 

So I guess my question is.. is it appropriate to seek out friendships with the opposite sex when you're unhappily married? I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. I have no life whatsoever other than work - which is just work. Nowadays I go to the movies alone.. I go to bars alone.. you get the idea. It really sucks. I don't have co-workers to hang out with because I'm self-employed. Another question: HOW to make friends? Where should I go to find them? And how the heck do you meet women and make it clear you just want to befriend them? I feel like I will have to hide the fact that I'm married, because let's face it.. guys in my situation are usually looking to cheat. Am I right? I don't even wear my wedding ring any more, anywhere. She's aware of it. I don't feel anything for my wife any more - nothing - she's bad for me, but we have a child to consider. And don't tell me I shouldn't stay with her for the kid alone. I've heard that one. But it's complicated. I'm waiting 5 more years until she's a certain age that I feel she could handle divorce. A lot can happen in 5 years - I do hold out hope.

 

Anyway, sorry this turned into something more than just asking about being friends with the opposite sex.. I really am curious what others have experienced with that situation (regardless of if the marriage is happy or not).

 

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any thoughts/responses.

[d0nnivain]

You are putting the right vocabulary around a very wrong desire. You really want female companionship / sex not friends. It's a slippery slope.

 

You can go to the movies or to bars with your buddies.

 

If you are self employed & want friends, join an industry group, join a meet-up group for entrepreneurs (there are hundreds of them out there). Get involved with your local Chamber of Commerce. All these groups have a social component.

 

Get involved in an organziation like the Elks, or the Masons, the VFW, the Lions, the Kiwanis, Rotary etc. Volunteer; they will fill up your empty time in a heart beat, enable you to give back to your community & perhaps make you a happier person.

[CarrieT]

Everybody needs friends, but why do you need FEMALE friends specifically?

 

What d0nnivain said - you are on the path of a slippery slope that can only end in disaster if you truly want to maintain your marriage.

 

If you and your wife are that unhappy, you need to fix the core problem before striking out elsewhere for other companionship. A good marriage has lots of mutual friends that you two can share as a couple.

[underwater2010]

 

So I guess my question is.. is it appropriate to seek out friendships with the opposite sex when you're unhappily married?

 

Yes. A little bit of extra "attention" and you will hit the slippery slope.

 

I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. I have no life whatsoever other than work - which is just work. Nowadays I go to the movies alone.. I go to bars alone.. you get the idea. It really sucks. I don't have co-workers to hang out with because I'm self-employed.

 

Find a hobby.

 

Another question: HOW to make friends?

 

Find people with similar interest.

 

Where should I go to find them?

 

A hobby works.

 

And how the heck do you meet women and make it clear you just want to befriend them?

 

Strip Club? LOL Wait they will just take your money. You can't. And I seriously wouldn't advise it.

 

I feel like I will have to hide the fact that I'm married, because let's face it.. guys in my situation are usually looking to cheat. Am I right?

 

Yep and my gut is screaming that you are.

 

I don't even wear my wedding ring any more, anywhere. She's aware of it. I don't feel anything for my wife any more - nothing - she's bad for me, but we have a child to consider. And don't tell me I shouldn't stay with her for the kid alone. I've heard that one. But it's complicated. I'm waiting 5 more years until she's a certain age that I feel she could handle divorce. A lot can happen in 5 years - I do hold out hope.

 

Told you. You are looking for something on the side. Emotionally. Whether you divorce now or later it will have the same effect. The only thing that will make it worse...cheating.

 

Anyway, sorry this turned into something more than just asking about being friends with the opposite sex.. I really am curious what others have experienced with that situation (regardless of if the marriage is happy or not).

 

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any thoughts/responses.

 

Why don't you try putting a little more into the marriage or divorcing. Befriending women is not going to solve the problem.

[hatsya]

Wait a minute, you're telling me I'm looking for sex when I clearly know myself and I'm telling you: I am NOT looking for sex. I'm not the typical guy. Deep connection with others is much more important to me than sex. That is what I yearn for. And you can have that connection in the right friendships. The reason I prefer to be around females is the "vibe" some of them carry.. sorry to use that language but I don't know how else to explain it. I'm very sensitive to people in general and I don't like the typical masculine energy. Female energy balances me out. Is there not such a thing as platonic intimacy? Meaning non-physical? Yes I want companionship but not sex at all. I want friendship that goes beyond the "hey dude let's hang out and have a beer" ****.. most guys don't go deep enough - they talk about THINGS not FEELINGS. You know what I mean? They feel it's "gay" to be real.

 

Also, why do our friends have to be mutual? I don't agree with that.. I've read about married people having best friends who were the opposite sex, and it working. I just wish I could find it. I don't know why you both say it has to be a "slippery slope" to want such a simple thing. I've been dealing with this ****ty marriage for 6 years and it's not fixing. I want to create my own life outside of her without divorcing or cheating. She shouldn't hold this kind of power over me - keeping me from living - you know?

[hatsya]

Why don't you try putting a little more into the marriage or divorcing. Befriending women is not going to solve the problem.

 

We've tried counseling. I've tried putting effort into being kind and loving towards her and she always goes back to being hateful. The focus of this thread is about friendships with women but you guys clearly have me pegged as looking to cheat...

[underwater2010]

We've tried counseling. I've tried putting effort into being kind and loving towards her and she always goes back to being hateful. The focus of this thread is about friendships with women but you guys clearly have me pegged as looking to cheat...

Ok....give me a little more background. Because at this point it sounds more like this...My wife and I are at a low point, so I want some female companionship where we talk about "feelings" ie love, home, kids, what lacking etc.

 

Where does this hatefulness from your wife stem from?

[d0nnivain]

If your wife started out as a bright & happy woman who sparked, what changed? Have you talked to her about what you could do to bring that happiness back to her? I'd at least ask that Q before you either bailed on your marriage or had an emotional affair. Call it whatever you want -- feminine energy etc. -- your wife is still going to see it as emotional cheating.

[hatsya]

Ok....give me a little more background. Because at this point it sounds more like this...My wife and I are at a low point, so I want some female companionship where we talk about "feelings" ie love, home, kids, what lacking etc.

 

Where does this hatefulness from your wife stem from?

 

Well as I stated in the first post: my background is I haven't ever really had many friends. Throughout our marriage I had one best friend (a male) but he moved away a couple years ago. Ever since then, I haven't really made any new friends. I tried but it didn't work. I think it's healthy to desire a variety of friends outside the marriage, even if we were happy.

 

And this isn't just a low point - it's been dead for years.

 

Her hatefulness isn't even about me. It's connected to her mother and projects out towards everyone. I can't fix her - no one can - she has to want to heal. This is the problem with marriage: if one person wants to grow and the other doesn't - the one who doesn't is going to hold back the one who does. At 30 I'm still trying to find myself - and I think part of how we find ourselves is through others. They teach us things and vice versa.

 

And really it isn't my intent to talk about my feelings about my failed marriage. Not at all. I just like being around people who aren't afraid to feel and actually feel and express *positive* emotions! Females are much more likely to be that way than males - it's just my observation.

[hatsya]

If your wife started out as a bright & happy woman who sparked, what changed? Have you talked to her about what you could do to bring that happiness back to her? I'd at least ask that Q before you either bailed on your marriage or had an emotional affair. Call it whatever you want -- feminine energy etc. -- your wife is still going to see it as emotional cheating.

 

What changed? She saw bad things happen to good people around us and she changed her outlook on life based on that. She admitted it. She went bitter! And I would have thought she wouldn't have gone that route until well into her 40's or 50's.. haha..

 

And can you define "emotional affair"? Aren't we supposed to share emotions with those we're close to? Be it family, friends, etc? What makes it an affair if there's no physical stuff happening?

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry she became bitter. Has she tried counseling? Have you told her yo'd like to help her see the good in life & people again? What are you doing to be the optomist & sunshine in her life?

 

As for an emotional affair, it's when you give all of the energy, discussion, feelings & exchanges to someone other than your spouse.

[hatsya]

I'm sorry she became bitter. Has she tried counseling? Have you told her yo'd like to help her see the good in life & people again? What are you doing to be the optomist & sunshine in her life?

 

As for an emotional affair, it's when you give all of the energy, discussion, feelings & exchanges to someone other than your spouse.

 

I've tried taking her out on dates and they never go well. It always ends up being very unpleasant. I can't seem to be positive around her. Maybe her bitterness effected me and now I'm bitter too. Yeah, I think so. Neither of us were like this in the beginning. We were so innocent back then.

 

And really I like the idea of giving all of my energy, discussion, feelings and exchanges to someone else. I guess I do want an emotional affair. But that doesn't bother me.

[Lauriebell82]

I've tried taking her out on dates and they never go well. It always ends up being very unpleasant. I can't seem to be positive around her. Maybe her bitterness effected me and now I'm bitter too. Yeah, I think so. Neither of us were like this in the beginning. We were so innocent back then.

 

And really I like the idea of giving all of my energy, discussion, feelings and exchanges to someone else. I guess I do want an emotional affair. But that doesn't bother me.

 

Having an affair (and yes, an emotional affair IS an affair) doesnt bother you? Why not just get a divorce then if you dont care? I understand you have a young daughter, but I believe that finding out her father cheated will hurt her much worse.

[hatsya]

Having an affair (and yes, an emotional affair IS an affair) doesnt bother you? Why not just get a divorce then if you dont care? I understand you have a young daughter, but I believe that finding out her father cheated will hurt her much worse.

 

You're right, I don't care at this point. Finding out her father cheated? What you guys call an emotional affair isn't cheating. It simply isn't. You're assuming I would have sex with this new friend, which I wouldn't.

 

Trust me, I want to leave her but I won't. I'm not THAT selfish.

[d0nnivain]

And really I like the idea of giving all of my energy, discussion, feelings and exchanges to someone else. I guess I do want an emotional affair. But that doesn't bother me.

 

Then just get a divorce & have the whole ball of wax with the new person. You aren't doing your daughter any favors by staying.

[anne1707]

An emotional affair is cheating - 100% absolute cheating. It is a betrayal of trust, emotional intimacy and respect.

 

And yes, you are selfish already if you are considering this and do not see anything wrong with it.

[unicorn farts]

I'm sure your wife would consider an emotional affair cheating.

[JamesM]

So I guess my question is.. is it appropriate to seek out friendships with the opposite sex when you're unhappily married?

 

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any thoughts/responses.

 

My answer is no....UNLESS your wife approves. Simple as that.

 

Have you asked HER what she thinks about the idea?

 

 

Personally, in your position, I would love to have females friends because you can have fun again with a woman. On the other hand, I wouldn't do it even with permission, because it is so close to an affair that it will be very dangerous for you...and your daughter.

 

What role model do you want to be for your daughter?

 

You have three options:

 

Fix it. Live with it. Leave it.

 

From my experience, fixing and finding solutions are not simple but can be done.

 

I know you say "it is over," but honestly as I have found out, it isn't. Wouldn't it kill you if the answer was simple and your bright perky wife was back...except with another man who took the time to find out why she changed?

 

Living with it while being "friends" with another woman will make it worse.

 

Leaving it without finding out why she is what she is won't be as good as leaving while knowing that you can't change what she is.

 

Personally, IMO having female friends in your position would not be my first choice.

[oldshirt]

Somewhere inside you you are having a little voice inside your head telling you that you only want "friendship" and that you aren't looking for love or romance or sexuality etc etc etc but it is just a self-snow job to try to justify to yourself that you don't want to leave your wife and find another person and find another love and live a life with joy and love and passion and romance and intimacy etc etc.

 

You are trying to justify this not only to us but also to other people so you don't feel so bad about yourself in falling out of love with your life and wanting to have love in your life again.

 

It's ok, we understand that you want to have love and romance and sex and commitment and joy and happiness in your life again. that's not a sin and that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human and normal.

 

You are a normal, healthy guy. It's just you are in an abnormal and unhealthy marriage.

 

Finding a platonic female friend is not going to help this. You will still be in an unhealthy and toxic marriage. I know you are feeling that having some platonic female companionship will fill one void and will make you happier and able to tolerate your home life but it won't. It will make you miss an intimate and satisfying life MORE!

 

Others will say this too but maybe the more you hear it maybe it will soak in. Divorce is bad for kids when one or both parents are abusive, addicted to substances or abandon them and do not love and support them. Kids don't suffer in divorce when both parents are committed to continue to love and support them and the parents are committed to cooperating in the coparenting of them together even though they are no longer in the same house and are not involved with each other outside of raising the kids.

 

Give yourself permission to declare this marriage dead and move on so you can find happiness and meaning in your life again. You will be happier and more fulfilled and healthier even if you do not find someone else immediately. Just getting away from the bitch and on your own would be a million tons of weight off of you and you would be able to start living your life again.

[oldshirt]

We've tried counseling. I've tried putting effort into being kind and loving towards her and she always goes back to being hateful. The focus of this thread is about friendships with women but you guys clearly have me pegged as looking to cheat...

 

I know you are not trying to cheat.

 

I also know that you are going through a phase where you are desparate for some normal human interaction and compassion but you haven't quite reached your breaking point and throw in the towel on your marriage yet and you are grasping at straws and trying to justify getting a life outside your marriage without ending your marriage yet.

 

I know you are not trying to cheat. I'm just saying you can't achieve your true goals and objectives while dragging this dead corpse of a marriage around.

 

It's time to sign it's death certificate, hold a funeral and mourn it's loss, then bury it and then move on with your own life.

[Lauriebell82]

You are in a lot of denial if you feel having an emotional affair is not cheating.

 

Your reasons for staying in the marriage do not hold up, therefore you ARE being selfish.

[pteromom]

most guys don't go deep enough - they talk about THINGS not FEELINGS. You know what I mean? They feel it's "gay" to be real.

 

 

Maybe MOST guys don't... but you can find guys who do.

 

What about finding meet-up groups that revolve around an interest you have. Philosophy or self-improvement or whatever it is specifically that lights you up to discuss?

[pteromom]

I believe you are very naive if you think you could get into an emotional affair with a woman and NOT want to turn it into a physical affair.

 

Either try to fix your marriage, or leave it.

[Clay]

It sounds to me your missing the interactions you had with your wife. I am sure its difficult but you want to tread lightly on bringing anyone from the opposite sex around your marriage. I would even say remove the room mate. I understand she wont listen now but you have to find some way of getting her attention. Getting her focused on your marriage. If you can not your going to loose her and yourself in the process. I feel for you at least you are looking for help long before the serious issues happen. Those suck.

 

 

Clay

[central]

It's tough to consider divorce when you have young children to whom you're very attached. However, female friends will not solve your problem and only create new problems. Seriously, you need to face the facts and get out of this marriage and learn from your mistakes if you go there again.