Married and I want friends of opposite sex

[Mamma]

Then just get a divorce & have the whole ball of wax with the new person. You aren't doing your daughter any favors by staying.

 

Whereas I am not in favour of divorce at all,you can save your spouse and yourself the whole extra pile of heartache and baggage that an affair brings if you just divorce her now.Your kid as well.

 

You are way to sure or things you just have no right to be sure of.You are looking for an emotional replacement of your wife.which would lead to an PA anyway.Believe me,I have been there with my WS,and the price we as a family are paying is way too high.The price my kids are paying is way too high.

 

But most people dont really want to know the truth.It seems like you are already convinced of what you need and what you want.You have already convinced yourself that you will be different than all the stumbling guys as far as sex are concerned.That it is justified cheating on your wife with an emotional affair.

 

O,and what caused your wife to turn into an "ugly,nasty" person?People dont just change for no reason.

 

 

Think of where you are heading man.Get a hobby.Start courting your wife again.Love your family.Or let them go!

[underwater2010]

You're right, I don't care at this point. Finding out her father cheated? What you guys call an emotional affair isn't cheating. It simply isn't. You're assuming I would have sex with this new friend, which I wouldn't.

 

Trust me, I want to leave her but I won't. I'm not THAT selfish.

An emotional affair is CHEATING. It is putting time and effort into a relationship besides your marriage.

 

I always explain it as this: If you wouldn't say or do it in FRONT of your spouse, or feel guilty enough to omit and lie then it is cheating. Whether or not it becomes physical or not.

 

I think it is more selfish to have an affair then it is to actually divorce someone.

[xxoo]

Putting the cheating issue aside, why don't you have friends?

 

Why not make some male friends? Why don't you and your wife have couple friends?

 

As a parent, I've found myself becoming friends with the parents of my kids' friends. Does your kid have friends?

[Lauriebell82]

Putting the cheating issue aside, why don't you have friends?

 

Why not make some male friends? Why don't you and your wife have couple friends?

 

As a parent, I've found myself becoming friends with the parents of my kids' friends. Does your kid have friends?

 

I agree. I have met a lot of other mom's now that I have a son. It's the perfect excuse to get together.

[xxoo]

From the emotional affair side, think of the woman you'd be involving. It is selfish to develop a close friendship with a woman who may want more if you are unavailable. It's using her. What kind of friend is that?

[What4]

I personally don't see anything wrong with having opposite sex friends. Happily married or not everyone needs someone to talk to and interact with. I am going through something very similar to you and I do have a very good male friend. He's someone I feel very comfortable with and can talk to but that's all it is a friendship. So I say it's fine for you to have female friends. I know most women would disagree with me but I guess I just think differently than most

[maybealone]

Deep connection with others is much more important to me than sex.

 

And that is exactly why most people will say that an emotional affair is worse than a physical one.

[SerCay]

Dear Hatsya,

 

Please stop doing this to your daughter,

 

I'm a child who's parents stayed together ''until the children are old enough''

I AM THAT GIRL.

 

Trust me, has done me no good, I'm 25 now and I have, after 13 years found myself just now. My relationships to men SUCK and I have to work on my codependency day in day out. I have tolerated cheatig, emotional abuse, and myself I get upset easily and I take things personally.

 

I also have a form of social anxiety, where I find it difficult to make friends and maintain them, as I have an inferiority complex.

 

THIS is only a scope of possibilities you will do to your daughter, IF YOU STAY.

 

Trust me, she FEELS EVERYTHING..

And, neither of you are having a true emotional bond with her, because you guys are wallowing in your own self pity at this point. You are probably gonna say:''no we really pay a lot of attention to my daughter'', no you dont, not emotionally.

 

A person has to be emotionally happy and stable, to be able to form an emotional connection to his or her child, or anyone so to say.

 

You are not helping your daughter, you are being selfish.

 

No offense, but its the truth.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wait a minute, you're telling me I'm looking for sex when I clearly know myself and I'm telling you: I am NOT looking for sex. I'm not the typical guy.

 

 

ROFL !!!

 

The title you (or the person who took-over your online persona) posted on this thread confirms that you are the typical guy.

 

Unhappily married, and instead of putting forth any sincere effort at navigating around corners into which you have backed yourself, relationship-wise, you are looking to run from the problem while indisputably in pursuit of other p*ssy.

 

(just because you don't anticipate landing in said p*ssy within five days of first introduction, doesn't mean that you're not still clearly in pursuit of said p*ssy)

 

And staying together for children is just clueless to begin with.

 

 

But the more you say here, the more clear you make it that this is all about landing yourself emotional strokes with (other) women.

 

So if you want to do something for your daughter... what say you direct your effort toward what would be your first sincere and authentic attempt at repairing your relationship with your wife?

 

Then, down the line (6 weeks, or 6 years), if it doesn't work, do the best thing for all three of you and get divorced, before only then going on this pursuit of p*ssy. By then you will no longer have to lie about it.

[2sunny]

Considering your attitude - and the fact that you want women for friends - get divorced (past tense) - THEN make friends with as many women as you wish.

 

You want what you want? That's not an attitude of a loving husband. Neither is criticizing and trash talking your wife - just divorce her.

[whichwayisup]

We're not getting divorced because we have a young daughter. I'm holding out hope that we can figure our marriage out eventually. We're both going through our own processes of healing ourselves. I don't know how long it will take, though..

So in the meantime, I feel like I need females in my life. As friends. My wife and I barely interact any more

 

So, you'd rather stay together in the same house, not interact, not connect, not have a relationship or friendship JUST to keep your child with you both under one roof? How good is that for your daughter? To see her parents resent one another and not have fun, not hug or kiss, laugh etc. ?

 

Honestly, you'd be better off divorcing, having TWO happy households, co parenting together so you child is safe and isn't exposed to unhealthy exposure by you and your wife. Your R with your wife is not the norm and unfortunately you'll be teaching your kid that it is. Kids mimick and remember what they see growing up later in life. How dad treats mom, how mom treats dad.

[whichwayisup]

I've been dealing with this ****ty marriage for 6 years and it's not fixing. I want to create my own life outside of her without divorcing or cheating. She shouldn't hold this kind of power over me - keeping me from living - you know?

 

How old is your daughter?

 

Seriously, walk into a therapists office and say the above. Do it. Marriage counselor will wanna smack you up side of the head.

 

Life is tough and so is marriage! So either DO all that you can to fix your marriage with your wife and stop blaming her for why your marriage sucks and take some responsibility for the demise of your relationship with your wife. It's not ALL her fault that things suck.

 

You can't have it both ways. I say divorce and do family counseling so you all can learn how to be a family, yet apart with respect as mom and dad and build a friendship for the sake of your daughter. Hating your wife is NOT helping, it's harming more than you know.

[Nyla]

You're right, I don't care at this point. Finding out her father cheated? What you guys call an emotional affair isn't cheating. It simply isn't. You're assuming I would have sex with this new friend, which I wouldn't.

 

Trust me, I want to leave her but I won't. I'm not THAT selfish.

 

You are looking to have an emotional affair when you are still married. Affairs are inherently selfish. You sound like my dad. He wouldn't leave my mother because of his four kids, so he had an affair instead. The aftermath of that D Day was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. If you cheat on your child's mother, one day your daughter may find out and respect you a lot less. Is it worth that risk?

 

It looks like you don't understand proper boundaries in a marriage, or else you would not reject the idea that an emotional affair is still cheating.

 

Emotional affairs can lead to physical affairs...especially when a married person is actively seeking a "friendship" with the opposite sex while they are vulnerable.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well hatsya, let me raise you out of the water a little bit like a jedi using the force...but not by much.

 

You came on here...online...to a forum, a marriage forum, that's going to obviously be filled with mostly married women, just waiting to poke a guy like you in the behind and scold you like a child along with their minions that have been without their balls for so long they don't even remember what they looked like.

 

Marriage can be an emotional death sentence....you are a captain of a ship you do not control, but as the captain you are meant to go down with it, regardless of whether you can save it or not, you're supposed to try...even if you're doing it alone...even if it's senseless and futile.

 

You don't jump into a life-saver, you don't have a free pass to the bar when the going gets tough (another woman), you are dead in the water, watching the waves splash across the deck as it fills the hull...the slow rocking of despair as you are cradled into the arms of a deep emotional sea of nothingness...only peering at the sky in hopes of an emergency helicopter coming to save you from your doom...not by taking you off it, but by calling for help so someone can tow you out of the storm and into the light.

 

You are trapped on that ship...you can check out by you can never leave.

 

But this is a dream my boy!, no one is coming....a dream of proportions that is meant for fairy tales rather than reality.

 

The reality is it's just going to get worse...it is no matter in many a woman's eye what a man must endure while in a marriage, after all...that's part of the dealio buddy! Yes, you...agreed to marry said woman, and thereby agree that through all circumstances good or bad (but mostly likely bad if you look around) you will put up with their personal issues and problems/despair which have absolutely nothing to do with you...and in spite of being emotionally, physically and affectionately neglected...you still, thereby have no right to happiness within that marriage with another woman, unless that woman is your wife.

 

You understand how it works? your unhappiness is bound to her...if she is miserable, you are miserable and you must sit in your living room in the dark if necessary drinking a glass of whiskey, talking to your invisible best friend as you grumble incoherently.

 

I guarantee you, that even if this woman is miserable (your wife) and she sees you enjoying happiness or having a female "friend" she will not think of you...she will tear down the walls with her claws, making your life absolutely miserable before you can even get a full gulp of relief.

 

This is what marriage can be...that is part of the deal that you made in a woman's eyes...you think it's about you? you think she cares about what your needs and feelings are? I bet she spends not a fart on the can thinking about what you're going through....it's all about her, it's all about her misery and as long as you're not going out there enjoying yourself and being miserable with her than she can tell herself that you guys are "working on it"...even if absolutely nothing is happening, most women think with emotions not reason.

 

Now if you had a good woman, she'd probably be concerned for you and not just think of herself...she might even let you have a lady friend and what not...she might actually feel miserable to see you in such misery, but it would still be the wrong move, and honestly that would probably change the dynamic because then you'd actually be able work on things as there would be an opportunity to because she was open to it.

 

Until then, you suffer in your misery in this marriage....chances are this woman wants nothing to change or doesn't know how, she's clearly upset and unhappy in her life and of course in that she knows you are unhappy but without communication, without her own will and motivation...you're doomed...but nobody here is going to paint you as the victim as long as you are seeking an emotional relationship outside your marriage...you'll have to just be like those other guys who plays the field outside their marriage in order to keep their marriage together because they can't freaking stand it but can't exactly divorce or get out of it for some reason or other.

 

So no, it's not going to work...this woman of yours, although she might not seem to have in a beating pulse for this relationship...in the end, like most women, would become livid and magically concerned and caring if you were going out with a lady friend, because she'll see your patterns, she'll see that smile and smirk on your face when you come home of experiencing some satisfaction and it'll be on like donkey kong from there....women know exactly when you shet, shower, fart and whole nine...she's going to notice, you're going to get attached because clearly you're missing a whole lot in your relationship and then it's going to be a battle....because if there is one thing a woman cares about if nothing else, it's about the presence of another woman.

 

You may not be seeking to cheat or sleep with another woman...but oh you will, your relationship sounds so void of "love" and affection I doubt you'd be able to resist the soft caress of another woman's hand, emotional support and scent of another woman who smells like one of those lotions form bath and body works. Because women are women, and they're hunters too...they're not just going to want to be your "friend", someone is going to catch romantic feelings. Why do you think women get all crazy? they know how they think, and how other women think too...they might not admit it to you but they're not innocent either by any stretch.

 

So look, try to get your divorce....works towards your freedom, then you can have as many women as you want and they can be friends/lovers or whatever the hell...nobody will give a damn, tell you when to come home or ask you where you've been, it's not going to be easy for you though because you're not exactly don juan anymore being married your whole dating life...but it'll give you the true freedom you desire.

 

Otherwise, you're going to end up in a bad place....guarantee it, and most women won't want you to have anything but guy friends anyway, and it's not just because they don't trust you...women aren't saints.

 

So go ahead if you want...the stage is yours to take, but you're asking for trouble and this is coming from a guy who knows exactly where you are coming from, you don't even need to explain to me how you feel or what you think, a lot of guys get it too, they're just not going to say it...especially with the pitch-fork brigades hunting men who wreak of infidelity...the cardinal sin to most women.

 

BTW last thing..."fixing the whole problem" type of thing, it's one of those things that sound nice that aren't in most cases practical because it is that persons issues...rather than yours or even your marriages, but you're supposed to inherit that as I've mentioned before...so even though there's no solution and you're just banging your head on the wall...that's still the only solution for many women, it doesn't have make sense or anything, don't rationalize it or explaining it, it's not supposed to make any sense...don't beat yourself up over it, just let it go. You won't convince any woman here, or changed any woman's mine and justify anything...women already have their minds locked in, it's non-negotiable, unfathomable and from their perspective beyond even consideration....including your wife.

Edited November 5, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[SerCay]

you can check out by you can never leave.

 

 

So go ahead if you want...the stage is yours to take, but you're asking for trouble and this is coming from a guy who knows exactly where you are coming from, you don't even need to explain to me how you feel or what you think, a lot of guys get it too, they're just not going to say it...especially with the pitch-fork brigades hunting men who wreak of infidelity...the cardinal sin to most women.

 

BTW last thing..."fixing the whole problem" type of thing, it's one of those things that sound nice that aren't in most cases practical because it is that persons issues...rather than yours or even your marriages, but you're supposed to inherit that as I've mentioned before...so even though there's no solution and you're just banging your head on the wall...that's still the only solution for many women, it doesn't have make sense or anything, don't rationalize it or explaining it, it's not supposed to make any sense...don't beat yourself up over it, just let it go. You won't convince any woman here, or changed any woman's mine and justify anything...women already have their minds locked in, it's non-negotiable, unfathomable and from their perspective beyond even consideration....including your wife.

 

Nice reference to hotel california one of my all time favourites!

 

About the second part,....totally untrue. For me it ist.

I'm maybe a weird type of girl, but just to let you know:

I have told my boyfriend, that if he wants to ''eat out'' once in a while he should do so, since thats somewhat the nature of a lot of men and he happened to be one of them, you cant force anyone's nature to change.

HOWEVER, Everything between us has to be fine..he has to be good to me..See a lot of men, who get outside attention, (and here comes the female instincts part) get noticably conceited towards anything in life. It's like they feel they're the king, cuz see, wife at home, gf's outside..what else could a king wish for.

and THAT exact behaviour is what women (or let me speak fo myself, I) hate. Thats what makes me angry. So, if all is fine in our relationship, and I'm happy and you're happy, and you want to do such a thing? JUST PHYSICAL THOUGH? Go ahead. BUT I will never know of it, you will never change your behaviours towards me, you will not have an EA.

 

And let me tell you, it takes a whole lot of man to be able to do the above. Definitely not what the OP is able to do.

 

He should just get divorced and stop the self pity and start caring for his daughter who will go out to seek a man just like him bcause its the only example she has ever seen...

 

About the last part, yeah definitely agree...you cant fix it or her...she needs an ultimatum. ultimatum to be: youre going to help yourself if you want to save our family or otherwise count your losses. You guys need time apart to see if theres still love. Might be that shes one of those women that get depressed and dont do anyting about it. I know some people like that as well.

[beatcuff]

Putting the cheating issue aside, why don't you have friends?

 

Why not make some male friends? ...

 

agreed --- the OP was 'i want female friends'. its ok to have opposite sex friends if they 'just happen' but to intentionally seek them out is, well ---- sounds like you are looking for a date.

 

BTW if you have so few friends: maybe its time to find out why a/k/a IC.